#for real...

the idea that some kind of cosmic order or law allowed us and only us (... so far) to gain a—not the, sense of free will and choice is honestly an enigma in itself. there is no real or de facto reason as to exactly why we were granted the power to... quite literally choose how we die.

honestly, if one were to boil it down heartlessly, one could view it as some sort of shitty, 'lab rat'-slash-'animal-testing'-esque experiment the universe just decided to pull on us.

personally, the amount of knowledge that enters a person's mind would likely make any other organism we see on the everyday basis short-circuit. I mean. we're well—at least, some of us are, aware of things like our deaths, what we want to do, what we need to do, all of the plans, anxieties, pains, and all in all the various occurrences centering around our and other mortals' bodies.

and that's hard to deal with. then again, there may be the illusion of such free will, and that all is predetermined. like. everything could be set before you even realise it. your career path, social circle, relationships (intimate or otherwise), etc.

I don't necessarily have a concrete notion or opinion regarding this, because for all I care, I just want to do something that can keep me distracted. all i'm saying is that consciousness is a cosmic-improbability that borders on miraculous intervention. both a waste of effort and a chance to redeem.

so.