#for katelyn

Phil Castillo - for katelyn

I am back in Italy. Not home, but in a bed that I’ve been sleeping in consistently for the past two months.

I had never realized how much I fit in the Great Britain…or rather, how much the Great Britain fits me…until this past trip. I thought that my love for the place might have simply been because the UK is where I came into my own, where I “grew up,” and where I went to run away. I thought that the magic might just be something in my head—putting the Great Britain on a pedestal.

This trip was a test. I wanted to see if this place really was all of the wonderful things that I had made it out to be in my head or if I was simply indulging in an elusive and extensive day dream.

The results of the test: I need to find a way to stay in the UK. It just fits. And if other people can do it, I can.

Before this trip I had never been to the UK with anyone but myself. Sure, I made friends among the FYSAE—but let’s be serious, only about two or three of those relationships have  actually stuck to be more than your-in-the-area-let’s-talk sort of encounters. I was afraid that if I was in the UK with someone else that I already knew it might get…I don’t know…too full. Because whenever I imagined myself in London it was by myself. So I guess that I was afraid that my connection to the place would be too much to let another person in? Kind of like when someone gets married and they don’t hang out with their other friends as much anymore…if ever.

But seeing my friends was more wonderful than I dared expect.

I had forgotten what it felt like to not be lonely…to have an old friend around—someone who actually knows you. I had forgotten what it felt like to be on top of my game. Because without an old friend to anchor me I tend to drown in…something that I shall describe as “The Stutter.” None of you have encountered it. The Stutter is a completely different version of myself. I can’t form sentences, I’m very anxious very often, am accused of being a know it all, am not my usual witty self at all, and simply drown. I felt it come back the second I talked to my current flat mates…or rather, couldn’t talk to my current flat mates because I couldn’t get a sentence out. The stutter. But with a friend at my side, I can be really amazing. For instance, Kyle and I went to Greenwich Market where a man was selling prints and originals of Dalek/London Transport cross-overs. So I struck up a conversation. And afterwards, Kyle told me that I was so friendly and confident. Had he not said this I wouldn’t have given the encounter a second thought…but because he did I realized that the friendliness and confidence was all thanks to him. Because a girl is only as good as her back up. And as incredibly and indubitably independent as I am, I still am constantly in need of at least one person to fall back on. So when I’m with my friends I’m turned on. I’m witty and my spectacular smarts show through. But when I don’t have anyone standing next to me…or down the block, I’m lack luster.

(Insert transition—talking about the UK again) And I didn’t expect how wonderful it would be to share this place that I love with people that I love! I showed my friends Carly and Aro around London a bit and took Kyle on his first trip to Camden and went to pubs with everyone. It was the greatest experience I think I’ll have in a while. I wish that the rest of my life could be like that. I hope that it can…

And I definitely didn’t expect how wonderful everyone would be to me—I thought that I might be encroaching on their lives (not Emy’s, of course)…but they all wanted to spend every second of the free time they did have with me! I hadn’t felt that special in a while. Because there’s a difference between seeing how much people love you through the computer screen and being able to touch them.

BAH! I keep telling myself that I did the right thing by coming here. To Italy. But, as we’ve stated before in reference to this, emotions do not follow logic. I got back to Firenze on Sunday and did nothing but sleep. Woke up and chatted with Bailey and then went back to sleep.

Reasons I fit in Great Britain: sense of humour Love of cider They make bras that actually FIT ME (I went to three separate NORMAL shops and they ALL had my size) See Tate video It feels right

Bailey

Isn't it weird being perfectly happy alone? From how you describe it, that's kind of how I am with London. Whenever I imagine myself there I'm always alone--essentially. There are/were others there and they're my peeps and all...but I don't think of the city in terms of the people. I think of it and its connection to me, myself, and I...and it's strange, but it's the only place I've really been happy with being alone? Because I never feel truly alone there…it’s hard to explain. But I think you get my drift?

I LOVE THE UK EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. (I know, Ireland is part of the EU, but they have pretty much the same system) You learn in your own way and on your own time there and aren't pestered down with busy work. It’s a system for independent people.

GOOD FOR YOU. Being completely alone in a foreign country for the first time--and every time--has this way of changing you and making you see yourself and the world a different way. It's awesome.

Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You will always have ties to people at home and there will always be people in your life. You do care. You just might be learning to think about others (and yourself in relation) in a new way. It’s good for you to think about these things. Don’t feel guilty doing so. If you don’t think about these things you’ll just drift through life without any deeper understanding or connection. Learn yourself; learn how you feel about your relationships. Look at these things objectively. Don’t consider the fact that your best friend is so-and-so and what a great person they are. There are thousands of really great people in the world. Instead, think of how you want to relate to that role in your life (the best friend). Decide whether or not you want to let people go and flow or whether you want sturdy rocks throughout your life. How many of those rocks? How many do you need? Do you want to consider whether they need you as well? 

This is YOUR LIFE. You are the one who matters. You are the lead player. Everyone else could be just figments of your imagination for all you know. You are the only one that you KNOW is truly REAL. Honor that in the way that you live.

Relax. Go to the pub and get a pint. Think about your life. You’ll come back when you’re ready. Or not. And that’s okay.

Being broke as fuck for a little while is okay. Because you’re actually living your life, seeing things, LEARNING. You are learning about the world and you’ll have stories to tell the rest of your life. When you’re sitting on that Native American reservation surrounded by little kiddies are they going to ask you about the time you sat in your room and watched TV because you didn’t want to spend the money to go DO something? No. They’re going to want to hear something more exciting than that.

By all means, make sure you have enough money to survive for a month or two when you get home. But the money comes and goes. It’s not real. It’s an idea. You’re of the middle class meaning that unless there’s a horrible freak economy collapse (recession does not count), you will predictably always be middle class. You are in no danger of becoming homeless or really penniless because of your connections within your class. Your own kind will take care of you. Not to say be a mooch. Just a fancy way of telling you that it’s okay to be a little loose with the purse strings every once in a while.

Kaylene

Holy heck YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN AUNT. CONGRATULATIONS.

BEEKKK COGGSS

I’m going to share this thing that Kyle told me once:

There were these psychologists who did a study on friendship. They found that with true friends, the distance and time spent apart didn’t matter. They always manage to connect to each other somehow…whether that is through e-mails once a week or a single meeting once a year. True friendship does not require proximity. True friendship does not require effort. True friendship is when people simply connect.

And then it faded away. And I was kind of afraid to walk out of my room because I might find vomit everywhere.

Oh, college life.

The Skinny:

I'm in Florence. It's a snow globe city. The old British man I met at the bar Thursday night described it thus: "You can throw a cat from one side of the city to the other." He had a beret and looked kind of lonely.

My apartment in Florence is bigger than my house at home. Legitimately. There are four bedrooms (my house has 3), two bathrooms (same), two common rooms (my house has 1), two kitchens (my house has one), a laundry room (none), and a balcony (none), and a foyer (my house has a tiny one)...and the ceilings are incredibly high. The top of the windows is about the height of a double-decker bus. And then there's another 18'' until ceiling. It's impossible to heat. My room is about the size of a triple at Arcadia.

There are 6 people in my apartment: Me, Claire and Danielle, Yana, Julia and Caroline (roommates are indicated by "and")

...More straight-up info before I get into the flatmate stuff. Actually, I might make that another post.

I'm taking five classes at l'Accademia: Italian (four days a week), Illustration (Monday afternoons), another studio (sometime on Tuesdays), Italian Style (Wednesday mornings), and Mixed Media (Thursday afternoons)

I still have to figure out the other studio--either drawing or "colour technique"...but the Arcadia adviser who sorts this isn't going to be back till Wednesday. Since I have the drawing prof. for Mixed Media, I guess I'll sit in on "colour technique" this week. See if it'll actually count as a studio.

The Group Dynamic:

Agh. I don't even know. It's pretty much the same as when I went to London--people attach themselves to each other in these cliques automatically and then don't leave room...which is not how I operate.

Except that in London everyone was living in the same flat, so there was a common area that everyone frequented. And if you weren't apart of the strict calls-each-other-to-do-things crew you could still see what they were doing and maybe tag along. And develop.  But here everyone is spread out among different apartments so it's hard to make plans to do things with other people if you're not in their clique. And I'm not in a clique. I never seem to fall into cliques or create cliques right away when meeting people...I always wind up becoming integrated later. Because it's safer that way? I don't know why but I just realized (now) that seems to be my life. And I know that these cliques will all change as drama happens (it's an evident, looming cloud of drama) and people get to know others in their courses...but I want to do things! And be included! Now!

Whatever. It'll be fine.

Uuuhh...two more things: flatmate dynamic and:

What the heck?!:

During orientation we had to sit in this big circle and discuss culture shock/homesickness/whatever. And there was a shrink present. And he asks everyone about different emotions--and then anxiety is brought up. And everyone (okay, most people) was nodding and describing it. And I thought "What the hell did I sign up for, the 'We're Anxious Study Abroad Crew?'" Talked with this about my flatmate (who also has an anxiety disorder) yesterday morning and she said that she had been thinking the exact same thing. Because it's normal if a handful of other people in the group have anxiety, whatever. But more than half? Not even.  And we had a nice talk about how people in our lives seem to have anxiety in association with something else (depression, EDO, what have you)--but there's not more than two or three people with straight up anxiety disorder as the main dysfunction.  Then again, I don't know how many of the girls have it that way. In fact, they're the pretty artsy sorority types so it's probably a bunch of EDOs. Yay dysfunctional people!

The Flatmates:

The dynamic in our apartment is weird. But no weirder than normal things.

Our two flatmates Julia and Caroline do their own thing. They try sometimes, but I think they're...I dunno. They kind of scare me. Because they're that overly-confident sorority type. The only type of person that makes me shy. Like Gretchen Meyers (if you know her?) or...Grace Bennett's friends. I'm pretty sure--99.8% positive--that it was one of them whom I woke up to this morning. 

Danielle is a misfit amongst the greater group. She goes to Arcadia and was a FYSAE Fall Scotland the year after me. So we've had a few discussions about the study abroad dynamic and it's nice to have someone who knows what we're in for as well and can talk about the differences...and missing the UK. But she can't dance.  What I mean is, in order to be able to dance you have to have this inherent ability to tell where and how the people around you are moving and react to that. Example: shopping. When people shop there's this unwritten code of body movements that indicate where people are going to move next. The Lady in Purple makes a slight motion towards the rack behind me, so I position myself to better serve her while still rifling through my own rack whilst The Man in the Peacoat does the same while looking at the rack next to me. Which is why in a crowded department store no one bumps into each other. If they know how to dance, that is.  Danielle cannot sense these things. And she's in my space bubble constantly. And blocks my escape routes. And this gets on my nerves. My survival instincts need those escape routes and when someone body blocks them my fight or flight flares up. And I know I'm being kind of dramatic. But I can't be backed into a corner. What happens: we'll be talking to someone. I do most of the talking when I want something because Danielle seems to be shy. And then they ask us to come into their cafe or buy something and we don't want to. So I make a move to walk away--and bump directly into Danielle. Who just stands there. Doesn't move. Even after I've bumped her. And I'm trapped talking to the salesman or telling Danielle to move which makes the situation awkward--because in these situations walking away is better than a full rejection.

Claire is a fashion major from Minnesota. She's very nice. And includes me. And we get along well. I think we'll be friends. Because she hates the clique-thing that's happening too. Except that she's included in the clique. This is what happened with me and the girl I became closest with on FYSAE, though. And she reminds me of the girl I became closest with on FYSAE. Which is nice.

Yana is a graphic design major from Chicago. She's nice, too. But she doesn't include me. And I don't know whether that's on purpose or not. I find her harder to read. I hate when I can't tell whether someone likes me or not. I think I might have been too nice to her and she might have been weirded out by that. I like to share and am very generous and don't expect things back when I give you something. But when I keep something for my own, hell no you are not getting it. And I don't think she knows that about me yet. I think she might be skeptical of my generosity. Maybe she thought I was trying too hard? When I wasn't trying. I was just being nice. Whatever. 

I know that I have four months of these people and that everything will work itself out and that I'll find people to do things with and that I'll have fun. But right now I don't unless I invite myself places. Which I don't really like to do unless I already know the people and can read whether they really want me there. And I don't and I can't. 

Peace, love, and Boondock Saints.