#for betaing

I did it.

I actually did it.

93,000 words later (10% of them in the extra long last chapter WOWEEE) and I finished* my Same Weird Family post S2 spec fic series a whole two days before my self-imposed deadline of Season 3 Season 4.

(I've made my peace with S3 on Netflix and genuinely enjoy some bits of it but really, I still kinda secretly like my idea better. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong I'm here for all of it.)

So, with no further ado, here you go. First link is to the final chapter for anyone patient enough to have stuck around 6 months awaiting that (bless you).

Second link brings you back to the beginning if you're new here or just looking for some family shenanigans and Five Whump. Either way, hope you enjoy, because I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Witten by @anarchymorty for the Ponytail Dib au

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Computer saw all. Computer was all.

He was the gnomes in the garden, recording when Dib walked on wobbly feet towards the door. He was the tiles that required calibration so Dib wouldn't trip and fall. He was the fake grass, always perfect and inviting. He was the bushes that Dib used to hide in when he was a kid.

He was the TV that entertained them at the perfect volume so it wouldn't become overwhelming for the confused drunk human.

Computer was the couch, subtly vibrating when it was morning time and Dib had to wake up. Computer could be the alarm clock, but Zim didn't want to startle the  human, so the tune was delicate.

Computer was the curtains, allowing light to enter but not so much as to disturb Dib's resting.

Computer was also the hard-light walls that kept them safe during storms, snow, and summer heat. Computer was the water filter, the stove in the kitchen, and part of Zim's PAK.

He was also the supermarket list that was engraved in GIR's memory so he wouldn't mess up.

He was every single nanobot joined in an endless synapse web that extended for miles under the ground to form the base.

Humans would call that a god. Computer had learned during his endless hours browsing the internet that he was supposed to be Big Brother.

Not a human term, but a dystopian novel antagonist, a big eye watching and judging the events unfolding in front of his receptors.

But the Computer was not the same obedient superbrain that other Irkens had received. Computer had access to human internet, and in those years of waiting for a nonexistent world domination plan, he used 5% of his brain to browse the internet to entertain himself and shape his personality.

Maybe he was defective too, he reasoned at some point. He had been created to make his user's life easier, but instead he was using his superior Irken tech to play Candy Crush and make sure the couch was warm enough to accommodate a sleepy human instead of actually helping his owner combat Dib's addiction.

But Zim seemed adamant to find the solution himself, so Computer decided to be part of the process and not the reason for it. It would break his master's already fragile psyche to show him once more that he wasn't smart enough. It would be heartbreaking to see, again.

Computers having feelings... even the Control Brains would laugh at his new synapses.

 Dib-human was approaching.

“You look unprofessional,” said Nines after a few minutes of sitting next to Reed in the car.

The human’s facial expression shifted from confused to annoyed in a matter of two seconds and promptly flipped Nines the bird. “Fuck you,” he added under his nose.

“The...suit you are wearing looks old and worn.” The LED whirred on Nines’ temple; that garbage of garment did not deserve to be called a ‘suit’ anymore, but his favourite human might get upset and deny him the pleasure of intimacy for days. Obviously, Nines does not want that.

Gavin remained silent, ignoring him.

“If you would be amenable, I would love to take you shopping,” he stared at the human with unblinking eyes. “After we are done at court today, of course.”

With that Nines turned away from Reed, looking through the window and out at the passing buildings. He knew if he didn’t press the matter further, Reed would accept his offer. He was already pre-constructing what would look good on the human. He imagined the detective in a nice indigo blue, form fitting one button suit jacket with notch lapels and with matching slacks. He would choose the tie, he thought some red would go perfectly with that attire.

Nines felt an increased amount of analysis fluid in his mouth at the mere thought, and started to search for a shop that had his exact desires. When he found a place with similar clothing he approved of, he saved it in the GPS of the car. He thought about ordering the suit, maybe buy a few more just in case, after all he knows Gavin’s measurements…

“Nines, don’t even think about it”

Nines blinked as if he was just woken up from stasis “I am sorry, I will refrain from thinking from now on.”

“Not what I meant, dipshit” huffed Gavin “Fine, we can go buy one—ONE suit”

Nines lets himself smile at Gavin “Of course, detective.”

The day went by fast after that and Nines soon found himself in the store he previously researched. When they stepped into the shop they were greeted by an AK700, Sam if his name-tag was to be believed.

Nines quickly transmitted the measurements and the imagined suit to the clerk. Their LED blinked yellow and Sam motioned forward with a blinding smile.

Gavin threw a nasty look in his direction and followed the clerk without a word. When they arrived at the section, Nines sat down. Sam was looking through a row, then pulled out a jacket that was similar to his imagination. Then he stepped to the next row where he took out matching slacks. He handed both of the garments to Reed and pointed to the changing room. Gavin still had an annoyed look on his face as he marched behind the curtain.

Both androids waited patiently for the detective to emerge, and when he did, Nines was sure he was going to have a forced reboot. It wasn’t indigo blue, but navy, and by rA9, it fitted his lean but muscled body nicely. There was no necktie, only the first three buttons undone.

“Delicious,” Nines whispered accidentally, and judging by Gavin’s brow, he heard his slip up. “I mean, it looks very nice on you.”

He could feel his skin retract on his hands as he wanted to run them through all over Gavin.  

His human wore a softer expression than before then turned to address the clerk “I believe we’ll take this one.”

Gavin vanished behind the curtain again, and it was time for Nines to get his bearings. He stood and made the purchase.

Gavin stepped out again, with the suit in hand. He handed them to the clerk and went to pay, only for Sam to tell him that RK900 had already payed. Another nasty look was sent his way and Nines had an urge to defend his decision “I consider this as much a gift for myself, as for you”

Finishing up at the store, Nines took Gavin out for dinner. They went to that Italian place Gavin loved, and he treated him with Spaghetti alla carbonara and strong brewed espresso with profiterole. Gavin wolfed down the meal as usual, thanking Nines in his own way for the meal, and they headed home.

Gavin opened the front door and went in ahead, disappearing behind the bedroom door. Nines wistfully followed Gavin’s movements, but their cat, Bean, the gigantic distraction she is, meowed to be fed. Who was Nines to deny her her dinner.

After pouring her some dry food, he sat on the couch, turning the television on. He paid no attention to it, zoned out, trying to re-create the image of his human. It made his processor heat up, his skin to retract. He wanted to run his hands all over the detective, wanted to save the feeling to his secured folder.

A gentle touch on his hand made his eyes snap open, and he was treated to Gavin in the suit. His synthetic skin started to flicker in and out. Gavin smiled “I’ve seen your skin doing that back at the store, you must really love this on me.”  

Warnings of overheating filled his vision, and his fans were whirring at maximum capacity. Gavin pressed a quick kiss on his lips and retreats.  

“Come Nines; I believe there’s a gift for you to unwrap.”

He didn’t need to be told twice.