#foolish pride

Author’s Note- I know I stepped away from this for awhile and I thank you all for your patience. This chapter is mostly about feelings and how we react to things and how it impacts others. It’s setting up for the next chapter and some resolution with Darla. My goal is to post a chapter a week until it is finished. As always reblogs and likes are appreciated but comments and conversations give me life and inspiration. If there is something specific, you want to see in upcoming chapters don't hesitate to let me know. I write these fics for you all as much as for me.

If you need to catch up the Master list is here

Chapter 4

Eddie had missed the counseling appointment and that wasn’t like him.  You had called the shop and they said he had left early saying there were things he needed to take care of.  All of this had you on edge and worried.  Knowing with Darla in town anything could’ve happened.  You did your best to not let the kids see your concern and you dealt with their response to potentially seeing their mother again on your own.  The counselor had to do it this session with or without Eddie in order to meet Darla’s 48-hour deadline.

EJ had a complete meltdown at the thought of seeing Darla.  Screaming and crying as the counselor helped him work through his big emotions.  Ava on the other hand was quiet and reserved, which to you initially was worse.  You knew she was bottling her feelings up in an effort to be strong for everyone else.  If anyone understood that reaction it, was you.  A perfect example of nurture versus nature.  Ava had grown to have way more of your personality traits than Eddie or Darla.  Taking both the good and the bad and seeing it mirrored before you had you concerned.

Dinner had been uncharacteristically quiet, both kids very much in their own heads and you sitting there wondering where the hell Eddie was.  When the kids began their nightly routines, you took a moment to call Steve.  He didn’t know where Eddie was but reassured you that he was certain he was ok.  Given everything that had happened recently he knew his friend was probably doing his level best to fix things without dragging you in the middle of it all.  Feeling a little better as you hung up, you started your own nightly routines by cleaning the kitchen.

 As you loaded the last dish in the dishwasher Ava came into the kitchen.

“Can we talk?”

Folding the dish towel in your hand and leaning against the counter you spoke, “Of course, sweetheart, we can always talk.  Is this about seeing your mom?”

Ava’s face screwed up at the mention of Darla.  “Please don’t call her that.  She is not my mom, you are!  She may have given birth to me, but you have been the one there for me and raising me not her.  Not ever.”

“I appreciate that you feel that way.   Honestly, I am honored, but I don’t think that is the part you needed to talk about, is it?”

“Yes, that is part of it.  She wants to walk back into our lives, and I know it has to bother you as much if not more than it does us.  You have always had to deal with whatever garbage she put us through.  You picked up the pieces and I want you to know that it wasn’t lost on either one of us.  As far as we are concerned you are our mom.”  Your heart ached at her words, knowing that a child her age shouldn’t have to be reconciling thoughts and feelings of this nature not yet. She should be allowed to enjoy her youth and be carefree and it killed you that you couldn’t shield her from it.  You wrapped her in a tight hug as she continued, “I’m also telling you this because I want to see her, but I want you to know it’s not because I love her or respect her.  She will never deserve that. I just need to say how I feel to her myself.  She needs to understand that you and dad haven’t poisoned us against her that her actions have.  I need that closure.”

In that moment the reality of how grown-up Ava was now had never been clearer and you had never been prouder of the young lady she was becoming.  She understood her feelings and how she needed to respond to them, and you would never discourage her from that.

You couldn’t help but squeeze her a little tighter desperate to hold on to the remnants of the little girl she once was.  Kissing her on the top of the head before you responded, “I want you to know I love you and I am so unbelievably proud of you.  Your dad and I will be there to support you however you need.”

Ava squeezed you a little tighter as you said that and whispered, “I know you always have been.”

When Eddie came home that night the house was quiet and dark.  He half expected you to be curled up on the couch watching TV waiting up for him, but you weren’t.  Which only expanded the guilt that was already feasting on his soul.  He knew he should’ve called and let you know what was going on, but when Chrissy left the shop, for the first time in weeks, he had hope that he could fix the mistakes of his past without adding additional stress on you.  He just hadn’t realized what it might cost him to finally put an end to all the trauma that Darla and Jason left in their wake.  He had options, but none of them were good in his eyes.  He walked into the kitchen and saw the note attached to the calendar on the fridge. 

Food is in the microwave; sorry I was too exhausted to wait up.

Shit he had screwed up yet again.  Right under the note in red on the calendar showed the kids had their counseling appointment and it had completely slipped his mind.  Had he called and checked in with you he certainly would’ve been reminded.  Yet he chose to let his foolish pride guide him and try to fix things on his own and in the process, he wasn’t there for any of you in a time when he was most certainly needed.  Masking his motives as altruistic was a lie and he knew it.  He wanted to prove he was the man, and he could fix it without your help.    Years of Darla’s verbal abuse playing in his head on a loop spurning himself to prove something that he should have known he didn’t need to.  After all these years she still lived rent free in his head and it infuriated him. 

You were supposed to be taking it easy, yet all this mess with Darla had taken priority over that.  Just a few weeks ago he had given you a lecture that you needed to lean on him and yet at the first sign of strife he had retreated into himself and forgotten completely about checking in with you.  Maybe Darla was right, and he was a crappy partner and a bit of a man child.  He took the plate from the microwave and placed it in the fridge because he wasn’t hungry, it could be his lunch tomorrow.  Then he began his walk of shame up to your bedroom with his head hung low.

You weren’t asleep as he expected. He could smell the scents of all your lotions and potions, you must have just gotten out of the bath.   You were sitting on the side of the bed trying desperately to put lotion on, but your burgeoning belly was making it next to impossible and he could hear you were out of breath from trying.  Knowing in your head you were frustrated with how much weight you were gaining so quickly and how simple tasks had become exponentially harder for you, but to him every inch of you was glowing and you were the most stunning sight his eyes had every laid on.

He smirked at the sight and the thoughts of the day escaped him for much more feral ones.  He knew he was lucky to have you and that he would do well to remember it more often, “Would you like some help sweetheart?”  Your head whipped up at the sound of his voice and he could see the emotions pass through your expression one by one as you measured your response.  All the feral thoughts flittered away like butterflies.  Seeing your expression, he knew he had some making up to do before that was even remotely on the table.  You were mad but he could tell you were not going to show it, as always to your own detriment you were going to internalize it.  Feeling as though your emotions were not as important as everyone else’s.  When you didn’t respond he sauntered over grabbing the bottle of lotion as he dropped to his knees before you.  The least he could do to repent was pamper you and help you catch your breath.  You could tell by the look in his eyes he was apologetic, and he knew he was wrong for how he handled the day.  Without him saying a word it was written on his face and evident in his actions.  However, you needed more.  What kept him from the counseling appointment?  Why hadn’t he called?

As he rubbed his hands together to warm up the lotion before caressing your swollen feet and ankles with it you asked, “What happened today?”  There was no anger or disappointment in your voice, just curiosity.  You knew that adding more to either of your plates right now was a recipe for disaster.  Besides anger never solved anything in a relationship.

He looked up at you with his doe eyes through his lashes, “I thought I may have had an answer to the Darla problem, and I went to explore it.  I know there is no excuse, and I should’ve called, and I most certainly should’ve never missed that appointment.  I hate that she can still get to me so easily and that I lose all rational thought when it comes to dealing with her.”

“Well, she can only do what you allow her to do and by letting her get to you like this you are allowing her to win.”  Eddie stopped rubbing your legs and looked at you with wide eyes.  Your statement shocked him but also hit home more than he ever would have thought.  He was used to anger and people yelling at him.  He could handle that easily, but the disappointment that laced your voice cut him to the bone.  Disappointment and guilt typically ignited his flight response because it was more than he could bear.  He fought the urge and continued to focus on rubbing your aching muscles.

You didn’t wait for him to respond because you could see what you said took him off guard, “Was it at least worth it?”

Damn another shot right between the eyes, “Fuck sweetheart when did you become an expert marksman with your words? No, I don’t know, maybe it will be.  It’s all so complicated.  I got some information but if I use it, I feel like I am stooping to her level.  I would compromise what I believe and even though it’s a means to an end what message does that send the kids?    Speaking of the kids, were they ok at the appointment?  What did they decide to do? Again, I’m so sorry I left you to deal with that alone.”

You measured your response once more.  Not wanting to make him feel more accountable than he already did, but he needed to know what happened, “EJ took it rough and monopolized most of the appointment.  Which was to be expected given his age and what he has gone through.  The counselor helped him work through it all and he decided that he doesn’t want to see her.”

“And Ava, what did she decide?”

“Ava was quiet and reserved in the appointment.  She focused her attention on making sure her brother got through his feelings.  She was selfless and kind because she knew he needed that.  She didn’t say anything about it all until we were alone after dinner and honestly you would have been so proud of her.  She took the time and thought out what she needed, and she decided that she wants to see Darla.  She said she needs closure.  If I am being honest, I think no matter, what answers today’s events held or what you chose to do with them I feel you need that closure as well.”

Now it was Eddie who became pensive.  Maybe you were right, because there were so many variables with everything, maybe he needed closure before he decided his next steps.

You could see the wheels spinning in his head, “Whatever you decide just know that you are not alone and when you are ready to talk about it all know that I will always be here.  We are supposed to be partners, but I am not going to push you.”  You leaned down and kissed his forehead before continuing, “But I think we both have had quite an exhausting day and I know right now that Serenity and I could use some sleep and maybe a little bit of cuddle time.  To spite being frustrated with you I may have missed you just a little bit.  I also wouldn’t be opposed to you making some of it up to me with a back rub; she is wreaking havoc on my back.”  You laughed.

You didn’t have to tell him twice.  He needed comfort just as much as you did.  He stripped down to his boxers in record time and jumped into the bed as if he was still a teenage boy getting to sleep with a woman for the first time. Turning to face him you chided, “Just a back rub, don’t get any ideas.  I’m way to exhausted for anything else.”  Giving him a soft kiss to reassure him that it wasn’t a punishment just pure unfiltered fatigue.   He curled in behind you and his hands slowly worked through the kinked-up muscles just the way you needed.  Before long you were so relaxed your eyes fluttered closed and he could hear your breath evening out.  He leaned down and kissed your stomach as he declared to his unborn daughter, “I am going to fix all this before you are born and none of my past mistakes are going to touch you.  I promise baby girl. You are my new beginning.” 

He relives every word they spoke in anger // He walks the floor and punches out the wall // To apologize to her would be so simple // But instead he cries "I'll be damned if I'll crawl"

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