#followering

Since this is my blog, and it is for sharing what I am thinking I am going to lay down my feeling right now. So if you don't feel like reading about my problems, keep scrolling. I am having a really hard time right now. I feel so very inadequate in so many different ways. The first is that I cant seem to get a boyfriend, and everyone around me is. I feel like deep down I really do want to liked and wanted, but it just hasn't worked out for me. At all. My mom is now dating, after the death of my father 4 years ago, which is great. But it brought up some deep rooted problems. The fact that she can find someone after being on a dating site for just over a month and I cant seem to find someone, and I have been on a dating site for over a year kills me. It also makes me feel like so many things are wrong with me. I know I am being irrational and stupid, but I cant help my confidence issues. 

Another place that I feel uncertain is my job. I'm used to doing pretty well at what I do,  but no matter how hard I try I really can only be 'okay'. I know i'm being super hard on myself, and I am a first year teacher but I want things to be perfect. I want to feel proud of what I do, and if I am not perfect its hard for me to be proud. I have students struggling, and I am not even perfect at discipline. I don't even know where to go. I know its a learning process, and I will get better but I want to be better now!

I also feel unsure with my friends. I feel like I am in some sort of dynamic where I am not fully comfortable. I have two friends, that when they are with eachother become really bitchy and 'well that's your own issue.' If you are not there at that exact moment that they are going to go out to do something you wont be invited. If you are not there right when they are planning something you wont be invited. I know its mostly this one girls fault and honestly i don't really like her but they are my close friends in the area and I don't really have anyone else. 

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