#flowerfitter

I dream of roses, lots and lots of them And a masquerade ball where I dance with just one And He, indeed, will have a red rose ready while we waltz the night A red rose ready just for me I dream of a house filled of roses, the kinds that are beautiful to look at Red ones and white ones, and vines that climb up to my balcony And He who has a rose will climb through the thorns Just so he can give me the perfect one Let me hear the music of the violin and rain me in petals Show me the fullest of the moon and give me that last rose The kind that symbolizes everything And He who does will show me eternity

I would just like to discuss the truth about writers. I hope you enjoy.

You see, becoming a writer isn't exactly what you normally see on television or movies. You have your sleepless nights of trying to squeeze the creative juices out of you. It needs to be this. It needs to be that. Or you'd have those 'oh-my-gosh-I have-an-idea' moments and then you lose your inspiration the following morning. Not to mention, the non-stop nail biting sessions on how to begin your work with that very. first. freaking. word. Yes, it's awfully painful staring at a blank screen for hours and hours. Backspacing becomes your BEST FRIEND! And yet, your editors and critics would often tell you to find-your-voice, if not, they'd tell you straight to your face and give a BIG FAT NO!

If you think writers are sexy, sure. They can be. If your standard involves a caffeine-drinking-book-reading-masochistic-control-freak-obsessive-compulsive robot -- then yes, it's very, VERY sexy. Otherwise, I'd have you look the other way.

A writer's job is very masochistic [well for those who are passionate about it]. If you like to be the 'dominant' this isn't for you. You start your work cringing, you end your work still CRINGING. Concluding your work means you're just beginning. First draft. Second Draft. Third Draft. Fourth Draft... As a matter of fact, you'll get sick of your work, you can recite it in your sleep! And just when you think everything is all perfect and ready for publishing you see one typographical error - so what do you do? You twitch and cringe some more!

But one thing I would have to say is that writers are poetic, opinionated, activists, creative, imaginative, and acquire a unique perspective that surrounds them. They are sensitive beings who are emotionally and sentimentally attached to what they are feeling. They turn emotions into an entertainment read.

I am a Catholic -- a Christian. I turn to Him in times of need, I thank him for all of the blessings, and I am not ashamed to fall onto my knees in times of despair. If there is one thing people cannot remove from me is my strong belief in the Lord. No words can describe how, in times when I need His presence the most, he is there holding onto me -- I can feel his presence because in those moments, I tear up but not knowing the reason why. When I need to be calmed after a rough day, I call onto him and I am at ease. I always fear of being forgotten, feeling invisible and misunderstood but in those times of fears I can just feel the Lord with me and He will not abandon me...as if he's cradling me into his arms like a loving, protective Father would.

And this is my prayer...

Thank you Lord. I am flawed, weak, and no different from any other sinners. But you see the good in me. You are always there. You calm the storm in times of rage. Heal every wound that deeply cuts through my skin. I am not worthy to receive any of your blessings, I am not worthy of your love but you have NEVER made me feel that way. And forgive me as I struggle to express all of this through writing because your endless presence is something so powerful, so indescribable...but I love the feeling.

Dear Lord, for whatever I am going through, the cross I'm carrying and will be carrying here on Earth, you will rescue me because you love me. And I believe in your power. Almighty God, I believe in you.

The best experience I've ever had as a writer is when I once wrote a tragic story and in the middle of all of that drama, I found myself crying over my own work. My heart just stopped for them.

You'd often think that an artist's life is all full of vivid colors and life. You'd probably think that our works and creations is made off of pride and joy. But do you want to know the honest truth? It isn't always what it seems. What you do not know is that we are torn up inside -- we taste, chew, and swallow dreadful moments that you may never notice because we handle it in the classiest way possible. We do not hurt or have our hearts broken like every one else because when we feel, we feel in the most supernatural way. We are sensible with our emotions and would always view the world differently from everyone else. You will never get the true essence of our being because we are indescribable -- so indescribable, even we don't know how to describe ourselves.

And yet despite the negativity and the flaws an artist acquires, we can turn something so heartbreaking into something so beautiful. Our sensible emotions become the result of our best works -- the best works in which you may describe as breathtaking. Painters, artists, poets, writers, photographers, dancers, singers, actors...these people you underestimate because they are living in a delusion, people who starve and struggle to pay rent. We survive out of our talents and skills. And nothing more.

And yet you use us for your entertainment and amusements. Toy around our emotions so we can create something out of nothing. You toy around our emotions so in that small moment, you can feel your worth -- hoping you'd find a peace of mind.

There will come a time when forever begins today A time when I finally hear those three small words Words that will mean you are here to stay Forever may finally be the day I swim in those eyes of yours

But forever may take a while And yet it is enough for me to fall even deeper for you.

I just want to take this time to blog about home. And not just my home but anyone who is reading this. Obviously, I wasn't born or raised in the Philippines -- lived in Guam for 18 years of my life. Back in Guam, we show pride in our island, almost overprotective when some tourist ends up dissing the island. And no matter how culturally diverse the island is -- whether you were a Chamorro, Filipino, Caucasian, Japanese, Chinese, etc. We never forget who we are culturally and where we come from but we are so proud of the island, regardless of what. It's always been about sisterhood/brotherhood. 

So when I moved in the Philippines, it SURPRISED me. I was so culturally shocked because I encounter people with such colonial mentality. We have the same issues back home, trust me. But nothing like it here. Only in the Philippines would I see a group of young people taking pride of drinking Starbucks, literally taking photos and blogging about their day at Starbucks (I am a Starbucks addict too but it's JUST coffee, no need for that). Another thing that I've noticed is how the people are so proud of themselves. Too proud, I must say. Like for example, a Filipino goes to the U.S. for two weeks and then comes back to the Philippines with the "accent" and talk about how life is 'oh-so-fabulous' back in LA as if they lived there. Or when they take photos of their imported goods, latest gadgets that are popular in the U.S. or Europe and post it online for everyone else to see.  

I'm not dissing the Filipinos. I am a Filipino and I am proud of being one. But I feel like the Filipinos have such a colorful culture and it's slowly deteriorating because the Philippines is prioritizing more on what is foreign. I, for one, would not brag about where I came from. As a matter of fact, I try to keep things on a down low when being asked where I'm from because I don't want to be interviewed about my life. I don't want people to be interested in me because I'm from another country. I want to be me. 

And my only point in this blog is that I wish Filipinos here could love their very own.   Back in Guam, most Filipinos would crave on for days for authentic Filipino food and spend tons of money to fly to the Philippines to shop for affordable clothing and get their hair, nails, and facials done because the service is better. And here are the local Filipinos throwing all of that away. I may not be accustomed to the things around here and, I admit, I won't be long until I move back. BUT I will come back as me because I am a Filipino and I will NEVER forget that.

A lot are actually surprised. I can speak the language and I know the culture very well. American born, but my heart beats Filipino.