Journal #1 *TRIGGER WARNING*
Ive never been much of a journal person but i feel i need to write this out in some hope of getting it out of my head. I am so of thinking it and im getting sick of the voices saying it plus me saying it aloud. So here goes... If you dont know me i was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder 4 years ago. I have done three 12 week group courses on Dialectical Behavioral therapy, plus many a one on one with a councillor. I have also recently partaken in 3 month out patient program doing schema therapy. Through the therapy i feel i have gained a knowledge of my illness to a certain extent until it gets to this level... Borderlines are known to have strong abandonment issues. I, unsurprisingly, fit into this category. I also display strong symptoms of ptsd due to a number of abusice relationships I have gotten myself into over the past. This combination is what made today so bad. Start of the day... Go see my psych at 10am. Discussed the fact my dad no longer thinks i am beautiful due to my scars, tattooes and piercings. To some that doesnt sound like much but to me i had just come out of a month and a half of being hospitalised i was rather fragile and it destroyed any sort of confidence i had left in myself. After working so hard to feel good and be happy with who i am that coming from my dad, a 'parental', figure in my life. It hurt. Afternoon... I was triggered by a topic of conversation and think i dissociated. I lost abiut half an hour and i couldnt figure out if i was real or if anything was real. Then i started to feel the hands closing around my neck and visions of being picked up and thrown across my room i started scratching trying to get them off but they wouldnt come off i now have some slight bruising on my neck. And i feel is that i am floating through life no solid ties to anyone or anything. I float in and out of peoples lives they take what they need then go away until they need more or not at all. I am a floating pick 'n' mix. I want to hurt myself and i want to scream and cry but all i can do is stare. Hopefully sleeping tonight will help some of this otherwise... Wish me luck. Thank you for reading if you stuck around this far i know its an essay.
