#flint fast

Crime, as a general rule, is unpredictable. Anybody who says otherwise is either a precog, a prophet, or just somehow always finds themselves fighting the Pointlessly Polite Pickpocket, who keeps sending out formal save-the-dates and invitations to all of his crimes. So, because crime is so unpredictable, superheroes need to be ready to throw-down with a two-headed mummy or catch two falling airplanes at a moment’s notice. That means having your costume readily available and accessible at all times.

Throughout the long and storied past of superherodom (as detailed in The Semisecret History of Superheroes which will be published in installments on our Patreon for our $5/month patrons) superheroes have dealt with the need for a quick and inconspicuous wardrobe shift in a number of ways. In the past a lot of those old-timey golden age folks would run into the nearest phone booth in times of crisis. Many superhero historians have claimed and still (foolishly) claim that they were going in there in order to change into their superhero costumes but the crack team of unpaid interns we employ here at Howtohero would like to offer an alternate explanation. You see in times of crisis, let’s say for example a 50-foot mechanical sphinx is attacking the city, people will frequently seek out and cling to their loved ones for comfort and security. However, using the vast archives of primary resources from the golden age of heroes that our team has painstakingly acquired (and/or forged when necessary), such as Flint Fast’s diary or a telegram The Continuum sent to himself, we know that many golden age heroes actually did not have loved ones. This lack of personal connection, stemming from the popular golden age method of maintaining a secret identity by alienating all your loved ones through the use of poorly timed fart jokes, meant that these heroes had no one to cling to when their lives and the lives of everybody around them were at imminent risk. Taking all of this into account we would like to posit that these superheroes were actually rushing into telephone booths just to listen to the operator tell them what time it will be in their time zone at the tone. Our interns theorize that just that tiny bit of human contact was enough to rouse our heroes into action, which they heroically leapt into after changing in the nearest public bathroom.

Many superheroes will wear their costumes under their regular street clothes. Sometimes this works because superheroes tend to be very proud of their toned physiques and therefore wear skintight costumes that are easily concealable under a three-piece suit or scrubs or what have you. For superheroes whose costumes are a little baggier or a little bulkier though this system might not work as well. Other downsides to this system include the possibility of overheating due to wearing too many layers and, of course, the fact that strip poker games are just as unpredictable as supervillain attacks and you need to be equally prepared for both at any given time. 

Superheroes who wear high tech body armor can often convert the armor into something more “business luncheon friendly” such a briefcase or a watch. Technically this method need not only apply to the armored atlases (that’s lowercase non-proper-nouned armored atlases. Just a fun alliterative way to refer to strong people who wear armor) [Suck it Armored Atlas good luck suing us this time!] a skilled origamist could conceivably fold any type of costume into the shape of a briefcase or perhaps a stylish handbag. In all these cases (ha! cases) though this will only work if your costume is relatively smooth and preferably in a uniform color. Probably best to keep your logo off of it too. You can’t have any cool shoulder spikes or anything. I don’t know where those would go on a briefcase. Though that’d be pretty rad. Though that’d be pretty rad. You’d be the punkest paralegal in the office if you had a briefcase that was covered in spikes. (That’s lowercase non-proper-nouned punkest paralegal. Just a fun alliterative way to refer to non-lawyer legal-minded law firm employees who are particularly punk rock.) [Go to hell Punkest Paralegal! Make sure you pay special attention when they talk about frivolous lawsuits if you ever get into law school!]

Other superheroes carry around their costumes in special vacuum sealed containers. Many of these heroes keep their costumes in their rings which is certainly a cool visual and can be very handy (literally). But rings are very easy to lose. They’re the perfect sized to fall down drains and your hands are not the perfect size to be able to easily scoop them out. You also don’t want your costume to be stolen from you by jewel thieves. Oh my gosh can you imagine what a kerfuffle that would be? You need your costume to fight the jewel thieves. What a mess. Also you can’t just wear a ring. People don’t just wear rings. I mean, they do, they’re accessories that can be worn on fingers sure. But rings generally have a story behind them. I don’t know about all of you but anytime I see someone wearing a ring I ask them about it. Is it an engagement ring? A class ring? An alien power ring? Does it just look pretty? So if you’re going to wear a ring with vacuum sealed costume in it you need to make up some sort of story.

Additionally, since you’ll always be forced to change out of your street clothes and into your costumes at relatively high speeds you should always dress in clothes that are easy to take off. Breakaway pants, onesies, clothing made out of cheap, easily tearable, materials. Avoid wearing things with excessive amounts of straps and buttons and layers. Look into acquiring some kind of reversible belt that switches from civilian belt to utility belt to cut down on changing time.