if we count phones that are broken, deliberately destroyed, or otherwise sacrificed in the course of various cons, Neal; if not, Peter. (Sidebar: pretty sure the tech guys breathed a sigh of relief when Neal got issued an anklet that could be unlocked instead of cut, because they were having to buy a new one every other damned week.)

death question removed for the sake of all our souls, but:

there was a question about lactose intolerance that I also deleted because my answer was mostly going to be "shrug?," and in fact I'm pretty sure we've seen all three of them eat dairy in canon, but if we ignore that (or I'm wrong) the answer to it is Neal, and Peter knows it, and Neal doesn't realize Peter knows until they're getting dinner at the FBI and Peter tosses off 'oh, and something without dairy for Caffrey.'

who thinks they can do something really well even though they can’t

Peter "there is nothing wrong with my taste in clothing!" Burke. He's not that bad, but Neal is a snob and El is a traitor according to Peter and a very smart woman according to Neal. (To herself, she is a woman who loves her husband whatever he's wearing, but if she has a choice between Peter in an ugly suit and Peter in something sleek and tailored, she knows exactly what she's doing.)

who is more likely to get kicked out of the bed

Neal, not as a punishment but because either 1) some Peter-and-El time is needed (which isn't an issue; the job makes for a lot of Peter-and-Neal time, and Neal respects the need for balance, and if he really needs them he knows he's welcome), or 2) Peter's choosing tonight to get kind of weird about how Neal should sleep in his own bed once in a while, this can't be healthy. (/la la la merrily ignores that the FBI would NOTICE Neal sleeping at theirs all the time, call this futurefic or w/e.)

who uses the computer most

This is pretty dependent on circumstances: El if she's got an event that requires emailing 800 people and ordering seven billion things, Peter if the current case requires a lot of number-crunching or research or whatever that he can't fob off of Neal, and Neal if the case requires some whatever which Peter can fob off on him.

who forgot to put the cat satchmo outside before sex

this got moved to the bottom because I ACCIDENTALLY AN ENTIRE DRABBLE TO ANSWER IT (I could actually write drabbles for like all of these but I just worked a really busy retail shift so I won't. what was I doing in 2010 and why was it not being in this fandom.)

The bedsprings creaked and groaned (again), and a furry weight settled at Peter's feet, followed by a cold nose.

"Dammit, Satchmo," he mumbled. Next to him, Neal made a strangled noise.

"Peter," he said. "How long has the dog been in here?"

Peter shrugged. "I'm supposed to know?"

"Peter. Was he in here while we -"

"Probably?"

Neal groaned; Peter glanced sideways to find he'd dragged his pillow over his head. El snickered.

"Oh my God," Neal said.

"Oh, it's not a big deal," Peter said. "It's not like he cares."

"That's not the point!"

"Did Mozzie bug my dog?" El mumbled.

"No! No, I didn't let Mozzie bug your house, it's just -" Neal stopped, gesturing vaguely at the air.

"Just what?" Peter asked. Neal sighed.

"I once ate someone out in front of a genuine Rubens, Peter," he said, and paused. "Allegedly."

"I can promise you none of us ever alleged that one," Peter said. "So, what, you can be watched by painted nudes but not my dog?"

"It's just!" 

"Is this some kind of domesticity crisis?" El asked, pulling the blankets up around her. Peter snorted, catching a fold of cloth before she could steal it all.

"I think you've got it, El," he said. "We're too pedestrian for him."

"It's not a crisis!"

"It sounds like a crisis."

"Can we decide what it is if he's still having it in the morning?" El asked, yawning.

"Sure," Neal said immediately, settling the pillow under his head again. "Sorry, El."