#flawedfreeopen

Someone I'm glad to see had better appear, like, right fucking now.

         My daily battle with anxiety has to be one of the most frustrating experiences of my entire life. I can have absolutely nothing to do on my to-do list, and I can still feel my chest becoming tighter, my heart pounding in my chest and my jaw clenching tightly. In the summer, it's far worse. I wake up in the morning with this intense feeling of dread in my stomach. Stress dreams keep me awake at night, and no one seems to understand how painful this can be.. 

         Right now, I'm on anti-anxiety pills, but at certain points in my life, I'm not sure if they are strong enough. From time to time, I feel like a bad Christian because I'll pray, and still allow my anxiety to take over. I'll read my Bible, and the anxiety still does not go away. It tests my faith in the Lord, and I'm okay with needing to grow. But, to be honest, I can't pretend that I don't think the Lord is disappointed in my hourly panic attacks about the unexpected and the planned. 

       Even now, as I write, my stomach is churning, but I refuse to allow it to ruin my day----to keep me in bed all day instead of heading out and enjoying my day. I hope this blog is more about strength within the struggle than tears. However, it won't always be inspirational. I hope that you will be able to sit with my as a cry, laugh with me as a giggle and walk with me as I try to kick the habit.  Although I know I can't shake off anxiety in one fatal blow, there are few things I want to work on: 

    1. The need to control everything. 

    2. Worrying about what everyone will think about me/my accomplishments/my decisions. 

    3. Overcompensation because I fear inferiority. 

    4. Wearing the mask that feigns "okay," when I'm not. 

Or is someone being rebellious and smoking inside?

Fucking tired. That was like, an exhausting trip, man.