#fizzball.lore

am i even undiagnosed or am I just over exaggerating my symptoms?

these symptoms are really relatable to me, huh.

i took quizzes on this from psychology today and based off of me answering the questions to the best of my ability I got results of high likelihood.

wait...I just realized that there is this one criteria that I thought I didn't fit but I actually do fit.

why is life so hard?

i feel like I'm dragging a corpse around and trying to make It do stuff.

i can't do anything normally and in a good way. its always half-assed

i can't function well.

why is life so hard? how can this be easier? surely everyone else isn't struggling like this.

*finds people who are diagnosed* huh I relate to all that on a visceral level

*brings it up and gets denied* huh maybe I was lying to myself after all

*repeat all of the above in any order while also getting steadily worse in your mental state because you're failing more and more*

it is suspected by PPU and i that MPU's family (their PPU, their MPU, their siblings) were dysfunctional, especially MPU's MPU. it is suspected that this dysfunctional environment caused MPU to adopt same sort of ideologies and attempt to recreate that, causing this whole situation with MPU treating my entire immediate family like shit.

this was futher evidenced by an entire debacle that happened a year ago. MPU's PPU has a deep fear of doctors---the reason why is unknown, but this fear was passed to MPU, MPU's siblings, and MPU's MPU (although it was definitely not as severe in them as it was in MPU's PPU if I remember correctly). MPU's MPU got some sort of respiratory illness about 3-4 years ago that persisted for longer than it should have. MPU's MPU kept coughing and coughing and coughing, enough that it interfered with their daily life.

MPU's MPU was not taken to the hospital because of this fear. even though MPU tried to tell their siblings to take MPU's MPU to the hospital, they weren't able to do too much when separated by thousands of miles of land and ocean. MPU's siblings did not take MPU to the doctor. (I think they might've feared that taking MPU to the doctor would somehow make the situation worse, and MPU's PPU wasnt really allowing it.) MPU's MPU kept getting worse and worse---the coughing got severe enough that they eventually began to become unable to eat or even speak for extended periods of time without coughing. MPU's slblings still did not take MPU's MPU to the doctor.

MPU's MPU's health condition deteriorated drastically. they were completely emaciated when we last saw them alive. they were completely skin and bones---no body fat or muscle at all. it hurt them to sit on cushions because (I believe) their bones were rubbing directly against their nerves or something. their body had used up all of its resources (because of the starvation from being unable to eat from all the coughing) to try and keep itself alive and was getting weaker day by day because it wasn't getting nourished by anything.

a few months after that visit, MPU's MPU finally had some sort of health emergency that prompted MPU's siblings to take them to the hospital. at some point they rode in an ambulance but I am not sure when. what I do know is that soon after MPU's MPU arrived at the hospital, they died. their body was not able to keep up anymore (because it was getting no nutrients or nourishment at all) and gave out.

MPU's MPU's death was completely preventable. if MPU's siblings had simply taken MPU's MPU to the doctor instead of being incompetent and spineless, MPU's MPU would not have had to suffer such a painful end.

also, by the way, when I say incompetent, I MEAN incompetent. they tried to say that the doctors were doing injections into MPU's MPU's nerves. YOU CANT INJECT NERVES. they also misread their blood pressure to be much much higher than it actually was. I am talking a difference of about 100. these are people who had college education in careers like computer science or something (not sure on the specifics) and they were all above the age of 40 at this time.

anyways, after MPU's MPU was taken to the hospital and they died, do you know what MPU's siblings did? would you like to guess?

they began blaming. THE HOSPITAL.

they began saying that if they hadn't taken MPU's MPU to the hospital they would've been able to die at home in peace. they said that the hospital made it worse. I am not sure about this last part but I believe they also said it would've been better if they never went to the hospital.

AND IVE KEPT THIS INSIDE FOR A FUCKING YEAR AND IVE LITERQLLY MENTIONED THAT IVE BEEN RESEARCHING CHEST BINDERS FOR A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR AND IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME BEFORE I COULD FUCKING ASK AND THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO JUST SAY NO?!?! I DONT THINK ITS GONNA REDUCE THE SIZE OF MY CHEST TISSUE (CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG) BUT THEYRE SAYING IT IS!!! AND I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO FUCKING TRY TO ARGUE WITH HIM!