#fixmeup

you hadn’t slept a full night since you couldn’t remember. something always kept you awake. sometimes it was the sickness itself, throwing up on hours end or not getting enough air and having to drive to the hospital. even in the worst situations you tried to be optimistic. kept going. you were always a positive and happy person. but as the cancer grew it only became harder.

you didn’t do it for yourself anymore. you did it for the people who you loved, people that you’d leave behind. your mom, your dad, your big sister and peter, your boyfriend. 

you met peter in freshman year in highschool. he was into photography and pretty quite. you instanly took a liking to him. you personally, loved books, you had them placed everywhere around your room. it was years ago that you had a free space in your shelf so you had to keep them elsewhere. you would love the photos peter took and he decorated your whole room with them. sometimes he would buy you books or steal them from his aunt, so you could read them, before bringing them back. 

On most evenings, or sometimes, in the middle of the night, when he couldn’t sleep, peter would knock on your window and climb into your room, so you could read something to him. he loved to listen to you, reading your favorite book. but when he became spiderman, he didn’t come by as often, atleast not at night. and then last year, when the cancer was first discovered, he only visited at day. he knew how little sleep you were getting and he didn’t want to keep you awake too.

so it became a rarity that he would visit at night. only when he really needed you. tonight was such a night.

when peter knocked on your window (at 3 am), you looked up from your book and grinned, you were more than happy to see him. the pain in you abondem kept you awake, you were happy that he could distract you from it a little. when you opened the window, you immediately noticed his tear stained cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes.

“hey” his voice was raspy. “i’m sorry, i just really needed to see you” 

“no problem, come in, baby” 

you sat down on your bed, holding up your blanket, so peter could crawl under. you both kept silent. originally you were on your way to healthiness, until you weren’t. you knew for some time now.

about seven months ago, when the treatment stopped working and your body didn’t respond to it anymore. it was hard. it was hard accepting it, it was hard telling your family but it was even harder to tell peter. not that it was easier for your family to take in. but peter wasn’t a relative, you were bound to your family, a part of them, but peter could’ve been saved from the pain, if only you had stayed away from him from the beginning. but how could you have known? 

still, the guilt was eating you alive. suddenly you could relate to hazel grace from the fault in our stars. not wanting to hurt someone wasn’t easy.

“i couldn’t sleep” peter broke the silence. 

“you know you don’t have to do this, pete. i don’t want to hurt you”

“please don’t say this, we´ve been over this before, y/n and you know how i feel. i could never leave you, never” 

“i’m sor-”

“please don’t apoligise, let´s just talk about something else. tell me a secret”

tell me something you never told before 

“okay.. let me think. i guess the first time i saw you i liked you immediately. i know it sounds silly saying this now, but i just kind of knew. you were sitting at your table and looking trough photos on your camera. you were the first person i saw when i walked into the classroom”

before i walk trough the door, i adore you, i adore you. i do, i do 

peters eyes lid up as he watched you closely. a tear rolled down his cheeks, but he kept smiling. you laughed while thinking back to these happier days 

“i promise i will keep your secret” peter laughed as he grabbed your hand and interwined your fingers. “promise”

smile with me and cry with me. i won’t ever tell a soul. hold my hand, I'll squeeze it back and i’ll never let go

“while we’re at promises, can you please promise me one more thing?” 

peter hesitated. “...a promise if you die?” his voice cracked as he looked down to avoid your eyes

“when i die, pete” 

peters head shot up and his eyes became even more filled with tears.

“when i die you have to promise me that you’ll keep going, don’t look back, just focus on your future, peter. don’t give up”

Never give up, never look back 

“i can’t promise that, but i’ll try to keep going, i can’t promise you more than that” 

I won’t give up, but keep on trying

“thats okay, Pete. as long as you really try. don’t cry too much over me, when i died”

“if, y/n, if” peter sounded desperate. his other hand reached to your hair and feel through the short lenght, that had grown for half a year now. 

“you have to accept it, peter. nothing can cure me, not even you” your tear fell down on your interwined hands 

Dry your tears up, all your crying, cannot fix me up, my darling

“i will never be able to accept it, i will never be able to live without you, to not hear your laugh, to not tell you every secret i have, to not be with you”

twisty, turning, winding paths. I could listen to your laugh, as we tiptoe on these humble truths. i don’t want to lose you 

peter looked into your eyes. “and how i could i, you were the one that was always there for me and you showed me what it meant to love someone, deeply and unrationally but truly. and you teached me that it was a pretty good reason to always keep going”

show me how to love deeper than the surface, my friend and you can show me what it means to have purpose

“peter” you began, choking down sobs. “i don’t want to go, never. but eventually, i’ll have to. you know how much i regret bringing you into this, but as selfish as it sound, isn’t it amazing how i have people that make it so hard for me to say goodbye? you are the reason i look at my life and like what i see. these feelings i have for you, this doesn’t happen often. i love you and i will never forgive myself for leaving you, because its hard. it hurts and it will never be okay, but isn’t that something good too? this makes me remember how precious our love is. if it wasn’t hard, would it even be love?”

“this is not your fault. never think it is, okay love?” you shoke your head, yes, at his question. “and you’re right. it is hard and it hurts so so much. i understand what you mean. and i want you to know that you’re so so loved, deeply and to all ends.”

“thank you, peter” 

peter pulled you closer to his chest. and you both drifted to sleep. with tear stained cheeks and red eyes but with a deep feeling of peace.

__________________________________

peter stood next to your family. wearing a black suit and tie. all four looking towards the pastor. you passed a few days after your talk with peter. it happened at night, you were sleeping in your room. it was the first night since one year that you didn’t awake halfway trough. the last person you had talked to was peter. he had visited you, but was called away by a robbery. he looked deeply disappointed as he crawled out of your window. you laughed at his grimmace. 

“cheer up, you have to save the city, spidey” you spoke. 

“but i don’t want to leave you” 

“i’ll still be here when you come back” 

but you weren’t. when peter came back, he found your bed empty. sheets removed. he had sat there waiting for two hours. you didn’t answer your phone and no one was home. that was when he knew.

after the funeral, peter sat at your grave. 

“hey, baby” he began. “i miss you, i hope its nice where you are.”

he paused. “i just came by to let you know, that i’ll promise to do what you wanted” 

as he stood up to leave, he was held up by your mom. 

“we found this under her pillow” she said. “it is for you”

she gave him a white piece of paper, which was folded. on it was written his name in bold letters.

he sighed as he thanked your mother and watched her leave. than he opened the paper. 

you just promised, didn’t you?

although he had felt like crying he couldn’t help but laugh. you just knew him too well. he looked up at the sky and smiled, for the first time since your passing, as he would always smile at you.

peter went home and pinned the paper to his wall. next to all the pictures of you. this would stay in his room forever. he wouldn’t forget. and by that he made another promise...