#firstrelationship

So I am dating this guy at the moment ... I kinda had a crush on him since 5th grade (that makes 7 and half years by now) and I dunno it’s just very weird. This started in november 2018, but it became more serious in december, so roughly three months. Our official status is kinda complicated, since we don’t act openly at school and only met four times in a dating situation ... he called it a relationship, and I am very happy about the fact that he takes this so seriously. I still sometimes doubt if you can already call it a relationship.

I am an INTJ with an anxiety disorder and depression. Maybe that is the reason it all feels so weird. I just constantly feel like an uninteresting person after our dates and I am not confident about the things I said. In comparison to him, I don’t really feel like I offer much input to our conversations and if I do it is mostly asking stuff or talking about very irrelevant stuff (objectively this can’t be true, since we sometimes talk about my anxiety and depression or his recovery from his addiction and that isn’t irrelevant, but it feels like it). He never gives me this feeling, he asks about my opinion and everything, but after a date I feel really self-conscious for the next day.

This new situation with him made me realize how bad my anxiety disorder influences my social behaviour. Before, I barely noticed, because I was very comfortable with my friends and was very used to them ... he throws me in this new situation where my anxiety acts up pretty bad. The good thing is, I can tell him all of this and he really tries his best to understands it and help me. But well, I don’t want to bother him after every date about how stupid and uninteresting I feel and acted.

For me that feeling of self-consciousness is very very very frustrating. Because I know somewhere inside me, that I am not boring. Yeah maybe I don’t talk so much since I am more of a listener, but that doesn’t bother him. And I know with more practice at talking to him, I will open up even more. Nonetheless I still I believe that I am a boring person and it influences my behaviour and it really makes me sad.

But I am determined. It will get better. And seriously the dates are worth that shitty feeling the next day. Because they make me really happy. And I am very thankful that he makes going out of my comfort zone such a pleasant experience (we went swimming yesterday and I was so worried about everything, but it turned out very nice, even though we kinda got lost for two hours on the highway (i am still worried that he might think that it was my fault event though he told me several times that it wasn’t and that it was actually quite funny))

the morning sun landing so gently on pale, unawakened skin, my bare skin.

you are golden and relentless. Reliant and warm.

I am the ocean with depths you will never reach.

when you are around I reflect your shimmering light, your glowing ember-like rise and set.

when you are gone I have no where to look but within, and I get lost in the abyss of my deepest and darkest thoughts.

Remember when you were in love. Your first love. You’re in college, just turned 19. Imagine you thought you’d never find love... a combination of a complicated sexual orientation and difficult upbringing had you convinced that you were doomed to a lonely life. But then you meet this gorgeous, kind man who is smart and ambitious and charismatic and confident and he likes you, even as much as you like him. You’re pretty different, but that’s a good thing, at least from your perspective. You like learning about his culture, his religion, his childhood, his perspective. You like discussing his interests, politics, music, school, adventure, the future... Slowly, you fall in love with him. You do things with him that you never thought you would do, at least not so soon, or not so quickly. Your first seven months together are not always easy. College is hard, home lives are difficult, and depression poses difficulties for you both. But you have each other, and you stick it out until the summer, happy to have each other and very much in love. 

The summer is hard. You’re both in the same place, but you don’t get to see each other very often because his parents can’t know about you and you don’t have a car. You miss him deeply and often feel neglected. He doesn’t miss you quite as much, but he’s just as sad because he knows that he’s letting you down and he hates feeling like he’s not good enough for you. By the end of the ninth month of your time as a couple, you’ve grown more distant. You’re suffering, feeling as if he doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him, and you feel abandoned. But you love him and are determined to stick it out until the school year starts again and you have time to work on your issues. Your boyfriend also feels disconnected from you, and he knows that he’s not making you happy.

Under mounting pressure from his family, school, and you, he ends your relationship. It’s not that he doesn’t like you, it’s just that he can’t dedicate himself to this relationship right now. At first you don’t understand what he’s saying. You ask him to explain what he means, and then you start begging. You ask him not to do this, sure that if he would just wait until the school year starts again in one month that you’ll both be fine and happy again. You can’t understand why he would do this to you. Does he not love you as much as you love him?

You see him the next day, and he takes you to one of his favorite islands, another place he always said he would take you but never did. At least until now. As parents walk by with children and old couples walk their dogs you cry in the grass as he looks at you helplessly. He hugs you, and eventually you let him. He ask to kiss you, and eventually you let him. He explains to you why he can’t be dedicated to you right now. He says he still likes you and suggests that maybe once you’re over him in the fall you two can be friends with benefits. You give him his birthday presents even though it feels a bit pointless now. You’d already wrapped them even though his birthday wasn’t for another month because you wanted to give them to him in person before you left for home in a week. At your prompting, he accepts each personal gift and reads your hand-made card. As you read your past self’s confession of undying love, you begin to cry again and do not see that his eyes still remain free from tears. 

The next few months are like torture, and your suffering feels physical. Every moment of your existence is burdened by thoughts of him... your loss... thoughts of could have been. You see him on the first day back at school, and ask if you can take a walk to talk and figure out how to interact at your small college where you’re sure to overlap frequently. He invites you back to his room, and before you know it you’ve had the best and worst sex of your life. You leave, feeling unashamed but heartbroken. Despite your feeble attempts to avoid him, before two weeks have passed you’re having sex regularly. For almost all of that semester, you sleep over in his room around four times a week, and have sex most of those times. You never have sex unless you can sleepover. He acts like you’re his girlfriend, even to some extent when you’re in public. At first, he only has sex with other girls a few times, but he refuses to be exclusive with you. Then, he lies to you repeatedly and says he’s only having ded with you when really he’s having se with other women, too. You’re not exclusive, so it’s not cheating, but you’d asked him to tell you if he starts having sex with other people so that you could reconsider having sex with him. He lies to you instead, and you find out from other pellle. He breaks your heart over and over and over again, but you love him. You like having sex with him except when it hurts(it often does) and you love feeling wanted by him so you keep having sex with him even though you really hate thinking about him being with other girls.

You start drinking more, and smoking, and looking for other guys, and you find some... and you don’t like it very much, so you don’t let it go too far. But you still feel sullied. Except one time you get too drunk and have sex with another guy, and it’s amazing. He finds out and it turns out that he’s jealous... this makes you glad. You text during winter break and it’s almost like you’re a couple again.

He said his feelings are complicated. But you know they’re not. He won’t marry you because you’re white, and he’s not. He won’t marry you because you’re one of the oppressors and you can never support him being connected to his culture. Not because you don’t want to, just because you’re you. He said he’s attracted to you. And he is. Because you’re hot. Lots of people are attracted to you. But you don’t love yourself, and that also made him not love you.

You fell in love with a good man who was not good enough for you. You let a good man treat you badly and become a bad man. Don’t let his nature fool you.