fake it til you make it
pairing: jack abbot x fem resident!reader
summary: sometimes labels stick annoyingly too long. sometimes someone comes along and sees beyond them.
word count: 3.9k
content: pitt crew, angst, hurt/comfort, maybe some medical inaccuracies idk sue me, age gap!!, shy! reader w plot, abbot pining after you lol
a/n: this is my first fanfic ever. i use to write some stuff yearsss ago but ive never written something long with plot before, so constructive criticism is highly encouraged please comment hehe! this is for all my fellow shy girls who were constantly undermined!!! tell me what u like and what u dont! and i really hope someone enjoys <3 thank you for reading. maybe i will write more parts.
part 2 here!!
there was a moment when you realized your shyness had become a permanent label, stamped onto you like a tattoo. maybe it was when everyone in elementary knew you as the girl who never talked. perhaps it was when the girls in high school stared at you in disbelief after you admitted you had a crush, as if the revelation itself was shocking. or maybe it was when you told your family you had gotten into medical school and their first response was “you know that means you’ll have to talk to patients all day, right?”.
it followed you everywhere like some annoying piece of gum under your shoe. even when you tried to scrape it off, you still felt the stickiness under your soles, making you very aware of the residue still left. it was impossible to ignore.
you couldn’t blame people for not knowing much about you. it was hard to not let your anxiety stand between you and everyone else. eventually, you stopped trying to correct peoples assumptions. once people decided you were someone quiet, they often decided you were fragile too. with that, came doubt around your abilities to succeed and it felt like you were expected to fail before you even begun.
it wasn’t til you reached medical school and started your residency that you realized you could be whoever you wanted. it was much easier to not let it become all you were with moving outside your hometown across the country. and it was incredibly easy in medicine when everyone was too busy trying to swim above the surface and make it through the next shift with every patient cared for.
no need to get into the personal matters and details when there’s a trauma incoming that is way more interesting than the stupid ice breaker conversations some residents tried to have with each other.
people judged you on your ability and skills to be a good doctor in the walls of the ER. with this, you were able to become someone new, like a mask you could put on comfortably. it was your way of trying to protect yourself and separate yourself completely from the real you who'd struggle ordering for herself at restaurants.
even if they were right, you hated that aspect of yourself. it felt like people infantilized you when they saw you were shy, and your height didn't help with their perception of you either. since when did shyness equate to being weak? it was easy to pretend to be something you weren't. they do say fake it til you make it, right ?
“hey, kid. good to see you” dana says as she scribbles something down on her ipad.
“you're the first of the night shift to be coming in.”
“that’s great, just put me anywhere you need me and i’ll get on it” you smile at her as you head to the locker room to put your stuff away.
you bump into whitaker and javadi at the lockers looking completely and utterly exhausted. you smile politely at them and wave.
"hey day shift, live to see another day ?" you tease. whitaker smiles at you and javadi laughs and lets out a huge sigh.
"define live? i'm just grateful i got to see some interesting psych cases today".
"that's always enough to keep us going right?" you smile to javadi in hopes of comforting her.
"that's true. are you going out with us tomorrow night?" whitaker asked as he grabbed his things from his locker. he also looked dishelved from the chaos of his shift.
"yes, absolutely. theres a bottle of tequila with my name on it somewhere" you laughed
"you and me both. god i need a drink" javadi exhaled with her back against the lockers.
"says the girl who just turned 21" you quipped at her, earning chuckles from the both of them.
you were never one to socialize with people like this growing up, let alone initiate conversations and sarcastic jokes. for the longest time, people tended to just leave you alone when they noticed you were shy. maybe it was because they mistook your quietness as disinterest, or because they found it easier to socialize with people like them.
most conversations seemed to end before they ever got the chance to break your walls and become anything more. that led to lots of people watching. all that observing came in handy when you began to pretend to be outgoing and be on the offense for once. everything else came naturally, ironically.
"isn't abbot returning ?" whitaker asked as he was waiting for javadi to finish wrapping up.
"oh yeah, he's been gone for a while. i heard he finally listened to his therapist and took some time off like robby did." javadi responded and rolled her eyes.
you cocked your eyebrow at the new name that came out of their mouths, not remembering the name "abbot" being mentioned since you'd been at Pittsburgh Medical Trauma Center for your 3rd year.
"abbot...?" you question to them.
"yeah the night shift attending. he use to run this place at night before al-hashimi took over nights for him. i'm pretty sure he comes back today".
you nodded as you put your stuff away, ears open for more details about the previous night shift attending.
"good luck with him. he's...interesting." javadi smiled
"who's interesting? huckleberry please hurry up i've been waiting too damn long for you" santos says, her voice filled with annoyance but her face covered in curiosity.
"abbot ?" you querey.
"ohhh."
santos drags the last syllable a little too long for you to let go of, a glimmer of mischief seeping through the surface.
"okay, what is that supposed to mean?"
"oh nothing. he's just ... interesting." santos smiles and tugs on whitaker to hurry up tying his shoes.
"okay if i need to know something about this abbot before i start my shift, please spill or forever hold your peace" you scoff playfully, suddenly finding the zipper on your bag interesting.
"she's just messing with you. he's great, there's nothing to worry about. just be your usual self." whitaker butted in before santos or javadi could respond.
you nod nervously, grateful for whitaker's response.
"wow, its a little weird to see you nervous. i've never seen you unprepared" santos teases.
"alright alright lets go now. i hope your shift goes well, you got this" whitaker glares at santos and pushes her along out of the locker section. javadi smiles and waves good bye with whatever energy she has left and walks out with them.
you laughed along with them, hoping it sounded convincing. you weren't sure if you were trying to convince them or yourself. you felt the nervousness in your stomach begin to climb into your chest and settle across your face, the sticky residue of the stubborn gum under your shoe tugging again.
it annoyed you how quickly it happened and how easily it reminded you the confidence you wore at work wasn't as solid as you'd convince yourself over time. one comment from santos was all it took to remind you how the persona you spend months building was delicate.
you gather your bearings before you head out to the nurses station to look at the board and start your day. you say hi to the rest of the night crawlers like ellis who you always love working with and shen, who sometimes would grab you a dunkin coffee when they were having a good deal.
"well well well, looks like this cowboy finally found his way back home" dana smiles and takes her glasses off to get a good look at him.
abbot chuckles and rubs his hands on his face as he starts to take off his heavy bag.
"its good to see you again, partner."
abbot quickly hugs dana and looks around to familiarize himself with the room again. not that he could ever forget.
"everything running smoothly while i've been gone?" abbot grumbles, a small smirk peeking on the corner of his lips.
"slick as a whistle doc. welcome back. oh, you got a new resident that joined your crew while you were away. she's good, smart, quick on her feet. i think she's something to keep your eye on." dana remarks as she gestures towards your direction.
abbot peers over his shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of this new resident dana was praising to him. thats when his eyes landed on someone he was unfamiliar with. he noticed the way you were handling yourself with the patient in trauma 1 with robby, who still hadn't left yet. and sure, he should've been intrigued to see you in action. his attention lingered a little longer than he'd like. at first he blamed it was because of the praise he heard from dana, or because of the save he was watching you make within minutes of him returning.
neither explanation felt entirely honest. something about you charmed him and he couldn't help but stare a little longer than he'd like. if it wasnt for the scene that was unfolding in the trauma room, someone would've noticed how long his eyes were scanning over to you.
"mm... noted dana. thank you." abbot smiled and headed his way into the trauma room after he set his things down.
things had settled down and the patient had become stable. robby sighed as he checked the patients vital signs.
"heart rate is back to normal, and his pulse ox is 97. make sure to get some labs going and get him in line for a ct. bump him to the front if we have to. we don't know how long he was without oxygen." robby exhaled as he took off his gloves and gown.
abbot stood in the corner giving everyone space to come down from the adrenaline that was pumping through their body from trying to save the patient. he was also trying to make it way less obvious that he was evaluating and observing you -- the way you moved in the room, how you carried yourself, and how you came down from the high to bask in the success of saving another patient.
jack swears all this observing is necessary. it's important for an attending to know all his residents and the way they work in high pressure situations. he was evaluating a new residents skils. the fact his attention kept drifting back to the way your hair was tied up was another problem entirely.
"abbot, good to have you back in one piece man" robby smiled and patted him on the back.
"good to be back. i didn't leave you alone for too long, did i?" the older man teased as he slightly nudged his pal.
"no, its been nice having the roof to myself for once." he quips back with sarcasm disguised as affection.
dana pops in. "hey robby, jake is here looking for you."
robby nods but before he rushes to walk out, he makes sure to turn to you. "great save. starting off the shift strong. let me know when the results of his labs before i leave."
"sureee thing robby" you answer lively while inputting lab orders and charting the treatment.
robby rushes out and your left alone in the room, at least you think you are. you turn to find an older man walking to the patient and evaluating the course of treatment with his hands behind his back. you couldn't help but feel instantaneously nervous. this man exuded an energy that was easy to get drunk off if you weren't careful.
'ohh.. so this is abbot' you thought to yourself. he was broad, with his black scrubs conveniently accentuating his arms and his build. his curls had grey and black flickered throughout, with some lines near his eyes and neck that caught your attention.
you quickly felt old habits creeping back to the surface. you knew better than anyone first impressions mattered. with those come labels and the last thing you wanted was for your attending to mistake your nerves for incompetence. you've seen it here with how santos still calls javadi crash despite it being months since her fainting incident and her objections to the nickname.
"so... you're my new resident?" abbot turns to you for the first time, finally seeing all of you.
you felt his eyes on you, and it was as if everything you've worked hard to become faltered for the first time. his voice was gentler than you expected, but intimidating enough to to make you suddenly aware of how you were breathing.
you straightened your posture immediately.
"yup, i believe thats me. it's nice to meet you dr. abbot. i'm looking forward to working with you".
you couldnt make eye contact with him for longer than a second before looking at the ground.
abbot tried to restrict the smile he felt growing on his lips. hearing your voice for the first time, yet alone hearing your voice say his name, was very, but oddly, satisfying. but it confused him for a second to see you become shy all of a sudden. it was quite the contrast from what he'd seen outside the trauma doors not too long ago.
"hmm..i'm looking forward to it too."
----
ever since abbot returned to the new resident on his crew he desperately tried his best to keep his eyes to himself, though his eyes and eyebrows always betrayed him whenever he was pathetically attempting to keep himself professional and poised. it was impossible to hide what was swirling in his head. you and abbot had worked closely on multiple traumas and patients as time slipped by, and had grown accustomed to one another rather quickly. sometimes it would lead to sarcastic comments, and sometimes it would be you two and the quiet tension that spoke for the both of you.
he'd never flirted with a resident of his own before. it gets tricky there and he'd never want to portray himself as some pervert older guy hitting on his own resident that he was supposed to teach. power dynamics and all that, right? but he felt like a teenager who had discovered something new and foreign that was so so bad, but felt so so good.
sooner or later (or rather quickly) he realized that he stood no chance against you. you somehow had left him unguarded with interest, which felt unfamiliar for a veteran like himself. and of course, this only interested him more.
abbot knew he was naturally flirty and charming to a fault. sure, it was fun to flirt every now and then and very harmless. he'd done it with a nurse or with mohan on the day shift, and even when dr al-hashimi had first joined the crew. it never lead anywhere and he guessed that whatever got him through the rough days one can experience here in the ER was much better than entertaining the ledge on the roof. at least that's what his therapist says.
"how have you liked pittsburgh ? you mentioned you're not from around here right?" abbot inquired as you guys returned to the nurse's station.
your eyes shot up from the ground, and widened a little. abbot asking questions about you didn't follow the usual routine of interactions with others in the ER. you were use to playing yourself off as the one who did the asking, and this didnt follow any of the usual preprepared scripts you had in your head.
"yea, i'm actually from california. i like pittsburgh though, its very gloomy. not sure if that makes sense though" you let out a breathy laugh, looking down instinctively.
abbot smiled at your response. "makes sense. the california sun isn't always what it's hyped up to be".
you smiled back at him, ending the conversation there. abbot, however, wasn't finished.
"you finish with all your charting?" he says softly to you as you typed away. it was now reaching the end of your shift.
"mhm." you quietly responded, trying to ignore that he was leaning over the counter in front of you.
you felt exhausted. today was one of those days where you had to socialize more than what your imaginary social battery could endure, on top of a regular hectic ER shift. and now, you have a ridiculously attractive attending who was evaluating your every move.
"are you going to team hangout thing tomorrow night? i noticed you have the night off"
you peeled your eyes off your screen to finally look up at the older man in front of you. you tried to ignore the fact that he knew your schedule already, despite it being his first day back from his long break.
"oh um.. maybe?" your pursed lips ended your sentence abruptly, and you eyes went back to charting.
jack found it extremely amusing how quiet you got around him. it was something he quickly noticed over the span of the shift. when it came to socializing with the other residents and nurses on the crew, you were outgoing, loud, and assertive. you showed no hesitation when it came to coming up with the course of treatments and advocating for them against the senior resident on the case if you thought they were wrong.
however, when you were around him, you were some quiet, reserved, soft spoked version of yourself. the quality of your work remained the same, but he felt the hesitation, the second guessing, and nervousness looming over you like a cloud.
it felt like two distinct people and he wasnt sure if it was because he was your attending or because you'd gotten close with everyone prior to his return. he didn't like that it made him battle with himself internally over the reason why. he liked even less that he found himself wanting to get to know both, either.
"i hope to see you there, it'd be nice to get to know my new resident that everyones praised while i was away" abbot says as he taps his fingers on the counter and gets pulled away to quickly check in on a trauma.
your fingers tremble on the keyboard as you pretend to type something on the computer. even though he had walked away already, his watchful eyes still felt like they were lingering and it was annoyingly intoxicating. no, you couldn't focus on charting when your handsome attending had been paying lots of attention to you all day and calling your name to work on every case he got. you tried to brush it off quickly as nothing more than the fact that you're new to him, but the nervousness he was able to evoke had embedded itself into your skin for everyone to see now.
sometimes it felt like the person you were at work wasn't entirely fake. maybe it was also a part of you that never got the chance to rise to the surface past your introverted personality. some days it felt like balancing on a tightrope, and right now you could feel the rope wobbling underneath your feet like you were back home again.
"alright lena, im done for the night. i need to get the hell out of here" you exhale as your tired legs get you up from the desk.
"no problem hun, get out of here and rest up. i'll see you on your next shift and please report back on how the team outing is" she smiles at you as she started to work on the nurses handoffs for the day shift.
"will do, and if you need anything you know you can call me in right?"
"of course, but enjoy your night off for once. day shift is coming in anyways" she pats your back quickly before returning back to her screen.
you walk out of the ER doors and squint to try to get your eyes use to the morning light. no matter how many shifts you've worked at night, you'd never get use to the sun being out when you clock out. that was the least of your struggles.
you make your way to the parking garage when you hear heavy footsteps following not too far behind you. instinctively, you turn around to see abbot walking behind you.
"did i scare you?" abbot jokes, teasing how you jumped when you saw the footsteps belonged to him.
"of course not dr. abbot, sorry" you replied, avoiding eye contact. seeing him outside the ER in the morning sun was incredibly disorientating.
"you can just call me abbot, if you'd like. you heading home?" he questions as he looks forward
"im trying to" you slightly joke. abbot smiles at your effort to socialize with him, but he knows quickly that you're exhausted and that this isnt you're usual state.
he finally catches up to you and you walk together for a bit. you weren't sure if you should say something, or let yourself enjoy the sound of his boots walking next to you.
"did you need something dr abbot?"
abbot pauses. "my truck."
"huh?" you responded completely confused, too exhausted to figure out what the hell he was referencing to.
"you're parked right next to my truck."
you look over to see your car and his truck parked next to each other. the heat of embarrassment rose onto your face and you close your eyes, utterly horrified that you assumed he needed something from you.
abbot notices again how quickly you became quiet. he pursed his lips and gestured his hand in front of him.
"ladies first."
confused at his gesture, you begin to walk ahead of him towards the drivers side of your car but before you can get too far ahead of him, abbot is already lifting your backpack strap off of your shoulder. you stand there confused and watch him as he walks towards the drivers side of the car. he stands there, waiting for you to unlock your car.
"i've got it."
"oh you dont have to dr. abbot"
"abbot. just abbot. or jack, if you'd like".
you pause. 'if you'd like'
you shuffle quickly to unlock your car and reach for the car door handle, but abbot beats your hand from grabbing it first and opens it for you.
"ladies first". he repeats again.
you pause for a second, making eye contact with him for the first time in the parking garage.
abbot cocks his head to the side slightly at your confusion, and gestures for you to get inside.
"what? a man never open the door for you?"
you stand there quietly. you can feel how close you guys are physically to one another like this between his car and yours as he holds open the door. this isn't the first time you guys have stood close to another, given that you've worked on traumas all day with him following his lead. but this was outside the ER, outside the walls were you're so use to holding up your walls with others. he has you this close, completely unguarded, on his first day back. that alone knocked the wind out of you.
he looks at you gently and again gestures for you to get in. you hesitantly give in and listen to him. not because you accept his chivalrous gesture, but because the small space between you guys felt too suffocating.
he closes the door and walks around to open the passenger door to put your stuff inside beside you. before he closes the door, he bends down a bit to make eye contact with you again in the drivers seat, still shocked and dazed by his actions.
"i'll see you tomorrow" he smiles and then shuts the door.
