#firefliesau

Dan tugged at the collar of his sweatshirt, stretching the fabric across his back as he brought his shoulders forward. The motion accompaniedan uncomfortable stir in his stomach. He pressedhis palms to his eyes and sighed. A quiet ding chirped from his phone and he pulled it from his pocket. It was Arin.

“Good morning, you up for some grumping today?”

Dan replied, telling him that he’s always up for some good grumping and slid the phone back into his sweatshirt pocket. He lifted himself off the couch and went to turn the light on in the recording room, and shielded his eyes with a hiss. After a few seconds of adjusting, he found his glasses on the coffee table and put them on. They weren’t nearly strong enough, and no amount of money he’d spent on trying to find a good enough pair without a doctor’s help could do anything. He wasn’t exactly ready to explain to an optometrist why his eyes faintly glowed in the dark. Or that his eyes weren’t yellow tinted because of liver disease, but in fact they were yellow because he happened to be some type of supernatural case. The glasses let him navigate the grump space safely, anyway.

It was about a half hour before Arin arrived at the grump space, and in the time being, Dan got himself some cereal and changed, trading in his blue sweatpants for a pair of grey sweatpants. He kept his sweatshirt on, not bothering to change the shirt underneath. Danny went to put his bowl in the sink when that disgusting twist resurfaced in his gut. He finally looked around and realized something was very, very wrong.

There were no little lights buzzing around his head. There were no tiny voices that reminded him of navi from the zelda games, begging for his attention. There was silence that hadn’t been with him since… Since before he could even remember. He’d never been without the tiny souls that found him. He’d always at LEAST had one bumbling around like a tiny bee, searching through his nest of hair for comfort or entertainment. He’d even occasionally indulge in their meaningless chatter. Some souls had no idea they were dead. They just carried on, speaking of their children or jobs or daily lives that no longer existed for them. It was as if they were suspended in a dream, and Danny was the sandman. But then there were the rest…that just knew. They cried. They wailed. They went through the stages of grief over themselves, and things they’d never gotten to do. As much as Dan felt bad for them, he never could keep his patience with them for very long.  

Where are they now? What is this radio silence for? A string of hope was struck in his chest, sending a delightful, nervous twang throughout his whole body. His lips curled up into a selfish smile. Was he free? Why now? What had changed? A chuckle bubbled up from his belly, and he clasped a hand over his mouth, feeling dirty. It was such a strange, wrong feeling to be happy in this moment. Another twist turned his stomach in knots and he felt the cereal disagreeing with him.

‘If they’re not with me, where are they?'He thought. 'Does someone else have them? There are never just NO souls. They always get stuck. They move on, but not all at once. Where are they?’ He moved to sit down in the grump room, but he was stopped by the door opening. Arin walked in, a bag of groceries hanging from his fingers.

“Hey dude, I bought some snacks. Cheezits, skittles, some other shit with a ton of calories. Whoa, did you eat a lemon or what, what’s the sour look for?” Arin eyed him curiously, if not timidly.

“Huh? No, no lemons. I mean, my stomach hurts.”

“Oh, should I not have gotten junk food then? Sorry bro.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Thanks for getting stuff, I was running low on skittles. Anyway, what games are we doing today?” Dan’s eyes tracked Arin’s blurry outline as he set the bag on the kitchen table and he followed him into the grump room. Dan sat on the couch as Arin started setting up the consoles.

“I was thinking some Mario Maker and then a bunch of random one-off games. Sound good?” Arin looked at Dan over his shoulder.

“Mhm.”

Arin turned fully, putting his hands on his hips. “Seriously, what’s wrong? Is your stomach really bad? We can record shit tomorrow if we need to.”

“I’m fine. I think video games are exactly what I need right now. Don’t worry about me, man.” Dan shrugged off Arin’s concern.

“No, you look like you’re gonna vomit, or pass out. Maybe both. I’ll go and get you some meds if you need, c'mon lemme help you-”

“For fuck’s sake Arin, stop.” Dan snapped. He took a deep breath to steady himself. An immediate hot wash of guilt spilled over him at Arin’s wide eyes and almost hurt expression. “I’m sorry, it’s just.. It’s something you wouldn’t understand.”

“So you mean it’s something with your uh.. Ability?”

“Yes.”

“You know, none of us have ever been really good at fully grasping that stuff about you, but I know what a friend in need looks like. Just telling me that I don’t understand doesn’t mean you can stop me from caring about your well-being. Weird powers or nah, you’re still part of this family we got goin’ here.” Arin’s mouth was set in a hard line, his eyes determined and full of something Danny couldn’t really place his finger on. All he knows is that now he feels worse than he originally did.

“The souls aren’t around me anymore.” He’s not sure why he tells Arin, or if Arin will know what to say, but the terrifying reality of his words hits him as he admits it. Even though he doesn’t say it, admitting that his life could possibly be free of the little lights swarming him constantly is scaring him more than it should. He’s admitting to himself that now he really is alone. His mind was never quiet, but he realizes he hates silence.

“That’s…. That’s a good thing, right?”

Dan sighs. “I don’t know.”

“If they’re gone, then maybe you… Fulfilled some duty or something and you’re finally gonna be normal.” Dan knows it shouldn’t hurt him, but he feels his face coil up in confusion. Normal? “Shit, no, I mean, not that it’ll make you better or whatever- cuz it won’t! Fuck, not that you NEED to be better-”

“I get it… it’s okay… I’m just really confused about all this… If it’s some "fulfilled duty”, I’m not sure I was ready for it to just up and vanish. I just know that everything is very quiet now, and it’s disconcerting to say the least…“

Arin bit his lip, and Dan could practically hear the wheels turning in his brain. "Let’s play some games bud, and we can figure this all out later.”

Dan mumbled his agreement and Arin sat next to him, turning on the mic and capture, and they sunk into the familiarity of GameGrumps.

“Fuck!” Dan spits. He clutches his head, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. His jaw clenches and he bends forward, head pushing the microphone out of the way. Arin looks over at him, quickly seeing that it wasn’t the infuriating mario maker level they were playing.

“Shit, you okay?” He pauses the game and capture, reaching out to touch Dan’s back. Dan flinches at his touch. “What’s wrong?”

Dan feels the surge of voices in his head pulse against his temples and he feels blinded by a supernova explosion of light. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshit.” He groans in pain, and as suddenly as it hits, it’s waning. The intense pain trickles to a dull thump and the little bugs floating by are reaching for his hair and clothes and brushing against his skin in apology. He opens his eyes timidly. Arin has shoved himself into the farthest corner of the couch, eyes scrunched up tight. He opens them after Dan opens his, staring at him. Dan looks up and away from Arin, closing his eyes in defeat. Despite himself, he smirks. “It was too good to be true anyway…Arin?…”

Arin chuffed nervously slowly bringing his arms away from his chest and setting them in his lap. “Dude… I’m.. i’m sorry but I think I should go-”

“What?” Dan’s voice betrayed him, hinting at the slight panic rising in his chest.

“To the bathroom. I pissed myself. And I’m not joking. Fireflies are fuckin’.. They just spilled out of your hair and I think I’m gonna vom.” With that, Arin shot up from the couch and sprinted to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The room smelled like death.

Dan stood up, fireflies still rowdy and playful around his head. He actually waved them away, which got him some mournful wails. He cursed silently, blinking rapidly at the stinging in his eyes. He got out his phone and let his fingers find the speed dial button. Almost immediately, Ross answered.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Can you come over?”

“Why? Everything okay?”

“I think Arin needs you. Anyone but me, really.”

“Okay….? Arin is a big boy, why does he need someone to wipe his ass every two seconds? What did you do?” Ross snorted, and probably rolled his eyes too.

“I scared him. Please, Ross, just… Come over.”

“Alright, alright. See you guys soon. But I want an explanation as soon as I get there. Deal?”

“… Deal… Oh, and bring Holly?..”

“Sure.” Ross’s tone was softer this time, seemingly understanding that this really was an emergency.“

Ross hung up, and Danny started pacing, occasionally banging his knee on the coffee table, but he deemed it a worthy punishment for scaring his friend. A bruise started to form and tears were harder to hold back. Arin didn’t come out of the bathroom but Ross and Holly were there quickly. Both of their noses scrunched up. Immediately, Holly rushed over, grabbed Dan’s arm, and forced him to sit.  Ross went over to the bathroom.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing to yourself? Your leg has a huge bruise!”

Dan curled into Holly’s side, letting her force his face into the crook of her neck. He frowned and she felt it against her skin.

“What happened honey? Why are you so upset?”

“I.. I thought I lost the souls.. I thought maybe I did something wrong, and they were all lost… I don’t really know what happened but they were gone when I woke up. Arin came over, we recorded some stuff and I felt sick the entire time and suddenly- suddenly I felt like my head exploded. The souls are back now, but I scared Arin… He said he was going to vomit…” His voice cracked on the last word, and Holly gripped him tighter, her hand finding it’s way into his hair. A few little souls flew onto her skin and hair, but mostly they had all calmed down and seemed to be clinging to Dan tightly.

“I’m sure it was just some… Malfunction. We all have our issues, maybe it’s something like that for you? Just a momentary lapse between you and them? I’m not really sure, but that’s my best guess.” She stroked the back of his neck comfortingly.

“I’m not ready to lose them… I don’t think I can handle it. If they don’t have me, then they don’t have anyone… I have to be there for them. I can’t imagine how scary it must’ve been for them to have nowhere to go.. No one to take care of them…”

“It’s okay to be scared for them. They’ve been with you for forever. You’re okay sweetheart. We’re here for you. And we’re not scared. I’m sure Arin is worried about you, it’s just sometimes bugs can be a little bit creepy crawlie lookin!” Holly hugged his shoulders tightly and rubbed his back before holding him out at arms length. His eyes were a dull yellow, barely emitting any light. “Aw, c'mon, show me that pretty smile. You always look so sweet when you smile! Please? For me?” She used her birb voice, saying everything as more of a command than a request.

Dan smiled weakly in response, wiping a sleeve under his nose. Holly smiled wide, clapping her hands lightly.

“There’s my nice firefly guy!” She stood from the couch, leaving Dan’s side cold. “I’m gonna go get you some water and then check in on those two.” She jabbed her thumb in the direction of the bathroom. She glided off towards the kitchen.

Dan’s smile slowly fell, his face relaxing. He sighed and held his palm out, watching as fireflies landed and danced on his skin. A tiny one, a child, rested in the middle, nestling into his warmth. The little boy was crying, asking Dan where he was. Asking where his mommy and daddy were.  Even though Dan had been upset at losing them all, he certainly didn’t miss this part of it… No child deserved to go at such a young age. No parent deserved to lose their baby. The boy kept asking. He kept crying, pleading for someone, anyone to help him. Dan lightly stroked a finger against the fragile shell of the firefly and it’s little light flickered to life. The little boy quieted.

Arin and Ross emerged from the bathroom, one with a guilty look on his face, and the other looking smug. Ross hooked his arm around Holly’s shoulders as she came back with some water. She lightly detached herself from him, rolling her eyes with a tiny smile. She handed dan the cup. He didn’t drink. He simply looked at Arin and then back down at the floor.

“Now hug.” Ross smirked.