#finleys.diary

the landowner terminated our lease. we have to be out tomorrow? i think? nothing is clear.

we don’t have any money. we don’t have any friends. we don’t have any family to help. we’re completely isolated and the pressure is too much.

i’m tired. i’ve been iffy for a while, but between trying to transition from inside the fucking closet, trying to understand how my brain works, trying to get any kind of work, trying to be a face of calm, losing my best friend. i’m over it. i’m over life

i guess people aren't wrong when they say the heavy things only really hit you after 10. because i'm upset again. and this time i'm angry.

i don't know my best friend as much as i wish i did. and i don't think he wants to tell me. i ask him to tell me and he dodges. is it because he doesn't want to? or is it the fear that i won't like what i hear?

we argued over the same topic two separate times. i'm emotionally drained.

the way he approaches conflict doesn't mesh with mine. we just argue and then act like nothing happened, that's not good for me. i have anxiety and i hate avoiding hard conversations. i know if we would just sit and actually fucking talk about it then some things would start to make sense!

everything i know about him, the government does too. so what do i really fucking know? lets see;

i know what he looks like. as the government would.

i know he hates democrats (or reaally wants to talk about how "bad" they are). as the government would.

i know how old he is. the government would know that AND the time so they know more than me in that aspect. [/exaggerating]

i have a vague idea of where he lives and where he works. as the government would.

i know he has "a hillbilly cousin who has a black girlfriend". he tried to use this to reassure me that his family wouldn't treat me, a dark-skinned, nonbinary, trans man, differently.

and i know he thinks racism isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. that one's paraphrased.

i'm tired of being disrespected. but i'm too scared to hurt his feelings. he has literally said he depends on me. that i helped him through his depression.