#findingtheiris

You definitely messaged me about lip balms and cosmetics only I’m too much of a flake to respond. I’ll have my life in order soon

Is air not filling enough? Damn. Needy.

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions the person who tagged you wrote and write your 11 new questions. 3. Tag 11 new people. 4. Tell them you’ve tagged them. 5. @ me so I can see your answer

1. do you think you’ve grown up to be anything like your mother or nah?

Yes. My mother thinks that she and Melina are more alike than Melina and I, but that is because she sees Melina's obstinacy and tendency to think of herself first, and sees the downside of that, and thinks that this is important in defining who she is. I have inherited my mother's tendency to judge herself harshly. I should say learned, rather than inherited. I have learned to feel guilt like my mother, which is wholly and violently. I have her passion. I have her vanity, if a smaller portion. I love like her, which is well. I am honest like her. My mother always says I'm smarter than her, and kinder. My mother thinks I am better than she is. If I am, I'm amazed. I think I am like my mother in that I always want better, to be better. I have more patience, more empathy, but I am also more sensitive, prone less to denial and more to indecision. I am more forgiving. Sometimes I am angry that I am anything like my mother, but at all times I am proud.

2. if you were one of those Activity Barbies that came w/ skipper the disappointing child and three accessories, what would they be?

I don't remember any of the accessories my Barbies came with, man. I just remember Barbies themselves. I remember swallowing a Barbie shoe on a dare and I remember my favorite Barbie was the one that had proper joints on all of her limbs because she was a ballerina Barbie and I loved loved loved making her dance. I want to answer this question with something that's so ooo clever and revealing and representative of who I am as a person but I have literally no idea. A book? A spare t-shirt that is exactly the same as the shirt I come with but is another equally neutral color. A Black card.

3. picture yourself as a dessert. what is it?

A slice of key lime pie with a nice helping of whipped cream in the summer on the table of a beach house. A tiny, perfect chocolate pudding with little cookie crumbles sitting on a buffet table next to a bunch of other tiny, perfect little desserts. A hefty cut of pumpkin cheesecake in the warm golden lighting of a restaurant, and behind you there is the jacket you have shrugged off it and is soft and cozy and across the table a boy you love is smiling at you. But mostly the key lime pie. 

4. top three favorite smells

What the hell, only three? Christmas, okay, the whole thing. Thierry Mugler's Angel as worn by my mother. Fresh clean sheets in spring when it is raining outside and you are reading a book in your bed, or watching a movie you are really enjoying. I'M GOING TO KEEP GOING FOR A MINUTE: The smell of a match just blown out. Gardenias. Jameson's hair. Callie's hair. My cat's fur. Bay leaves. Lemons. The incense my mom makes in the fall. Toasted pumpkin seeds. Candlewax. Halloween make-up.

5. if you could fight any two celebrities to the death who would it be, how would it go down, who wins?

I don't want to fight anyone I would be terrible at it and I don't want to fight any celebrities certainly unless it is like a play fight or maybe we are in a video game. Um. I'm not particularly passionate about celebrities. I don't have a favorite one that I follow or anything like that. Maybe I would fight Harry Styles, that would be funny, probably. I bet he'd be a good sport about it and also he is so much stronger than me that a physical fight would be probably more of him just like, rolling around and pretending to be too weak and he seems like a fool so I would laugh. I would enjoy myself and then we would go out for some tea or something. Maybe the other celebrity can be Daniel Radcliffe, I've always wanted to meet him, he has a good look in his face. I like how short he is. Is that weird? Whatever. I would want that. Or maybe I would pick, um. I don't know. Tilda Swinton and maybe Taylor Swift,  because that combination makes no sense and also they both seem so tall and blonde and intimidating in different ways and I would want to see the contrast of what they mean to me play out in person or something. I don't know that has nothing to do with fighting but also imagine Tilda Swinton and Taylor Swift fighting???? Imagine Tilda Swinton is actually really good at playing the guitar (I don't actually know a lot about Tilda Swinton's musical abilities or much about her at all but she is so beautiful and also immensely talented) and they have a guitar-off. Imagine the fight is actually who can write the best break up song and I beat Taylor Swift and Tilda Swinton both and we go on a celebratory shopping spree and I emerge a gorgeous, incandescent combination of the two of them and I am both unendingly approachable and adorable and also the most intimidating, mysterious fey creature in the universe. Perfect. Also Mia Wasikoska can come. I win always even if I lose. The end.

6. the most unfortunate date you've ever had

The most unfortunate date I have ever had was the Valentine's Day I spent with Michael, because we went to the movies and the movies are weird for me, I don't know why I always get so apprehensive or try to convince myself that I don't like them??? Anyway. My dad made him drive with him up to the grocery store and whatever as proof that he could handle a car or whatever and I guess Michael did not manage to impress my parents overly in this exchange so they were somewhat ambivalent on him which is never really the response you want from your parents when you are planning to Date someone. I got a horrible migraine at the movie and could barely listen to anything Michael said or say much myself and the whole way back to my house I was trying with my whole body not to throw up. I did not throw up. I mean, not in his car or in front of him or anything. I threw up in my house. Also I realized with a sort of sinking feeling in my stomach that while I liked Michael a lot and thought he was adorable and a very sweet person that I enjoyed having in my life, I did not particularly want to date him, and I was horrified that I'd only decided to because I was reeling a little after Colby very suddenly and shockingly broke up with me. The only time I have ever been genuinely surprised by a break-up. I cried so hard I still remember the specifics of doing it. Anyway.

My questions:

Do you remember learning to read? How did you do it? If you don't remember, how do you want to have learned to read? Make up a story and tell it to me

What is the worst injury you have ever sustained?

Do you like chicken noodle soup? Why do you like chicken noodle soup?

What is the thing that has caused you the most embarrassment?

If you had to dedicate a poem to your best friend right now what poem would you pick and if you do not read poetry or enjoy it please feel free to dedicate a song instead

Do you think often about whether you are truly a dog or cat person and if you don't does that mean you know which one you are or does it mean you just don't think about it? I think this is a few questions at once

How do you feel about candles? Where do you buy them?

Did you know that Dollar Tree and Dollar General and all of those stores are their own separate chains? My whole life I thought every store beginning with "Dollar" was part of one giant chain and the other names were levels in some weird hierarchy. Like one was ranked above the other in terms of maybe price or organization or something

What was the first video game you ever played and when and where did you play it?

What is one game at which you are very, very good? When I say game I mean any kind of game I know that might be confusing after the video game question

What was your immediate initial impression of Lana Del Rey?

Before answering this, I have a question for you:

"What’s going on in your love life? What’s Joe up to these days? Do you still talk with him?"

Did you send this ask a while ago? I’m going through my inbox right now and I was trying to start at the first anonymous question I could remember getting but not answering, and the one above obviously came up before this one, and I can’t imagine there’s a big crowd of people wondering about my relationship with Joseph. Maybe. But probably not.

Joe and I haven’t had a lot of time to talk recently as he’s been really busy and I’m really bad about bothering people, but he did text me about JoJo coming on Pandora because of course Baby It’s You makes him think of me. He sends me a lot of good vibes and I send them right back. Before that his last messages to me were, “I need to find a good bathing suit before Lebanon. Gonna get me a European/Asian honey”

Joe is still the hilarious, hard-working, stylish, inspiring, ridiculously charming, attractive, thoughtful, brave, perfect-haired light of my life. I absolutely still talk with him and love him very much. There are some people I believe that you do not forget and you do not let go of, no matter the distance or the changes you as individuals and you as two people in a relationship undergo. I am forever grateful for his presence in my life.

As far as my love life: I think the reason I didn’t answer that question the first time was because there was still a lot going on in my head, love-life wise. I’d just recently started dating Jameson, who I’m still dating now—actually, we’ve been dating for seven months (our anniversary is the ninth)—and I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to or how to talk about it via my blog? That sounds kind of stupid, but I don’t know. Transitioning from being with Joe to being alone to being with Jameson was a lot harder than I really thought it was going to be. I thought about him at least once every day and it was difficult to think but not really know how to talk about or diary about or anything, especially when ending things (? there isn’t a phrase that feels right to me) with Joe was my choice and yet it was so hard after, and I just… I spiraled like this, wrote long run-on sentences just like this in my head, all of the time. You ask yourself over and over whether you were right, whether it matters, what’s going to happen, are the feelings comparable, are the people even comparable—the whole time knowing how futile it is, accepting how there’s a then and there’s a now and you can only be in one at once. It was weird, how in my head it was like fully embracing Jameson meant letting go of Joe, or whatever idea of Joe I had. Which isn’t even true, not really, because I don’t believe the heart is a line, or a box with limited capacity. It was more, I guess, shaking off that loyalty, that little promise you make to be with one person at one time. It was having to redirect my attention, finally and fully. Someone’s probably written about all this in a book on break-ups and said it in a way I’d be able to relate to and offer up that’d make way more sense than me trying to explain my own feelings at nearly four in the morning (oh my GOD).

The West Wing...and then tell me how it is

Marina & The Diamonds | Primadonna

Angel Haze | Werkin' Girls

Mika | Make You Happy (Miami Edit)

Carly Rae Jepsen | Tonight I'm Getting Over You

Ambassadors | Unconsolable

Frank + Derol | Barely Love You Too

Little Mix | Wings

Betty Who | Somebody Loves You

Rita Ora | How We Do (Party)

Gallant | Die Young (Ke$ha Cover)

Jonas Brothers | Pom Poms

Taylor Swift vs. Demi Lovato | I Knew You Had A Heart Attack (Mashup)

Olly Murs | Heart Skips A Beat

Fall Out Boy | Miss Missing You

YES.