#final attempt

I'm making this to hold me accountable.

I'm fixing my shit. Not matter how much it costs me.

I don't care i'm stopping for good.

i'm gonna reblog this every month to prove that i'm getting better. Let's see.

Date: MAY 27th 2020.

LAST FUCKING ATTEMPT

I know. Another one. You think I'd put these thoughts at bay, but low behold! She over thinks yet again and just has to get it out. Normally, I wouldn't have a second thought about telling you my deepest darkest insecurities or just telling you everything. It's different now. At least it feels like it for me. I don't think you feel a difference at all. I don't expect you to read all of this or even most of this. I don't think it'll change anything. I'm fairly certain this is my last attempt. 

I shouldn't be saying all this, but ever since I drunk texted you I thought, "Well fuck, I might as well overly clarify once again. You know, just because I don't rant about this enough". I apologize for always crying around you these days. I'm trying to tell myself being around you is good enough, but then I just question everything. 

I feel like I don't know who you are anymore. 

Maybe it's me trying to keep you at distance or maybe because it's the reality of the situation. I don't know what would be worse. 

I keep replaying what happened in my head. Like I was trying to solve the mystery of this by reviewing the clues and evidence over and over. Stupid. I keep seeing where I made so many flaws and could have handled so many things differently. There so much I would change. After brooding over all the decisions I could/should have made, I thought about you. What would you have done? I retraced and thought about how loyal, honest, and logical you were. But then I thought, "But he didn't do those things this time." I was wondering if it was my fault. Did I hurt you too much and cause all this? Yet, you have a mind of your own and can make your own choices. 

All of the decisions you've made up to this point hasn't seemed like the you I know. I don't know who that is. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? What are you thinking? Is it worth all this shit? I hope so.

The Topher I know would be loyal. He wouldn't tell me "I love you" or that "[i'm] the most important person to [him]" one day and then go along with someone else the next. If you really loved me would you be going off with someone else so easily? He would know my fears and wouldn't be so impulsive. He would take his time and decide when he fucking knew.  

It's possible that I killed this part of you. Maybe I killed the part of you who wanted to be loyal to me. I wish you taught me this lesson or gotten your revenge some other way. Now I feel like you killed a part in me that trusts you. 

The Topher I know would never lie to me about another girl. Or lied about anything like that. He would have told me if some small crush feelings were growing with another girl. He's told me in the past whenever it happened. He wouldn't think that spooning while watching movies on her bed were okay. He wouldn't just think it could turn into a friend thing. He wouldn't put himself in that kind of situation. You are either incredibly naive or just didn't want to come out and say this before it was too late because you felt guilty, knew exactly what you were doing and weren't ready to come clean. You hid this from me. You never brought it up ever. You lied to me when you said you didn't have feelings for her. Its not that "[you] weren't being completely honest before" you flat out fucking LIED.

You...were even telling me comforting things the night you said she liked you. "I chose you because I love you". What does that mean to me now? It would have been different if we weren't seeing each other, if we weren't hanging out so frequently, if I didn't practically live with you 2 weeks before. But no. While we were still actively "together" you still did those things behind my back. And decided I was boring or difficult. And decided to go after something fun and new. We told each other everything. Was that only on my end? I feel like such an idiot for having all that faith in you. I should have known better.

The Topher I know would be a lot more logical. He would realize that all those years together was real. For me anyways. We were one of the few couples in high school that was fucking real. Our constant PDA and awkwardness freaked out everyone. That's when I started trying to be less clingy to you. I regret so much for caring what other people thought. We were happy and took everyday we saw each other as a chance to spend time together. I miss seeing you so often. The Topher I know wouldn't just let that die. The Topher I know would choose to be with a girl he saw no real future with rather than something that had meaning. He wouldn't be okay with having all the emotional baggage from his and my side just hang around. The Topher I know wouldn't take risk this fling over something real. I'm not justifying what I did in the past or saying one is more to blame than the other. I made the choice to give in to the temptations around me. And I found out the hard way it wasn't worth it. Even when I was with them, I preferred you. I still prefer you. I guess I always believed you'd make smarter choices than I would. Your sense of morality made me want to be like that too. 

All of this makes me wonder just how much I do know you. Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe that's just how you wanted me to see you because you liked being my Knight in Shining Armour. Maybe now you don't want that position anymore. Or maybe change who you're being that for. How well did I know you? Are you changing before my eyes or have you just been hiding this the whole time? Who are you Topher? You felt so far from me the last time we held one another. What does that mean?

I know the way you handle your problems. You sweep them underneath a rug and never think about them again. Why? Because you hate feeling bad and choose to ignore it so you can focus on being happy and bringing happiness to others. How is this relevant? I feel like I'm becoming one of your infamous problems. One day you're going to decide you'd prefer it if your creepy and annoying ex girlfriend isn't in your life. Which sounds incredibly reasonable. Why wouldn't you sweep me away to avoid that kind of pain? It makes so much sense. And you're always the logical one aren't you? Why wouldn't you simplify you're life by taking me out of it? I'm sure life was a lot easier for you before I came around. I bet you miss it. I'm scared of causing that to happen. What's there to lose anymore? 

The funny thing is I think a part of you is enjoying this. I mean, this is what you wanted right? You told me you would want me to ask for another chance and you would reject me. You told me that the night I let you read my first tumblr post about you. You ended up taking me back, but the tables seem to have turned. I know you don't enjoy hurting me, but I think you're self esteem is causing you to feel at least some satisfaction inside. 

I know I should probably be telling you this in person, but I'm scared I don't know how to act happy around you anymore. You still make me happy by talking to me or giving me a tight hug. But I can't ignore the huge elephant in the room for long and I'm gonna start talking about it. And I don't want you to think of me as someone who makes you sad. I don't want to see you that way either. I really do want you to be so happy. I guess I still believe for some reason that I'm the person who can make you happiest, absolutely adore your little quirks, want to love you so. I sound very pretentious. But the douchiness won't stop! No one's going to love you the way I do, and I suspect not as much. 

It's crazy how parts of me want to avoid you, but I need a weekly dose of Topher to get by. Usually I wouldn't mind being the one to initiate things most of the time. I've gotten pretty used to it for the most part I feel like I intrude your life these days. You're probably really happy in school not having to worry about anything but studies. If you really wanted to see me you would. I know you wouldn't openly say, "Hey can we hang out [this day]?" or anything of the sort. Nope. You're way of inviting someone to hang out is "I want to see you." Not actively saying "Hey let's do something at this time", just implying that the option is there, in case you wanted to pick it. I know that you're busy and have you're own life out there. I'm sure your romantic/sex life is rewarding and more than satisfying. I'm sure she's replaced me in close to every way. What would you need me for?

If my presence in your life doesn't make a diddly squat of a difference, then why the fuck should I keep trying to remain close? I feel like I'm crowding you all the time. The fear of being rejected by you and feeling left out when around you makes me afraid to even suggest seeing each other. And when I do suggest it I feel like you're only seeing me out of pity. As if it was more of an obligation than a leisure. I don't want to guilt or manipulate you for being around me. I want those feelings to be genuine and sincere. I'm scared of the worst outcome to happen.

I don't know how else to explain the importance you hold in my life. I just doubt you feel the same. I don't know what else to do. I'm just on autopilot these days. I've been going out a lot and having such a great time with people. It's always the last moments of the night it just falls apart. It's like I'm getting used to you being gone. And that's exactly what I didn't want. But you've already gotten used to my absence...haven't you? Not like those days when we couldn't handle being apart. We used to say such wonderful things to each other. I used to think you would be there, that I'd never have to say goodbye to you. That you aren't like those other guys. Now it feels like you're turning into the rest of them. 

Anyways, I think I've rambled enough for one night. As a make up for the others I missed. In short, we both could have done things differently. The fact of the matter is you don't want to try and handle me again. I understand. I know I'm worth it. I keep hearing songs that you sung to me just saying how worth it I was. The radio loves to play "Hey There Delilah" and "Just The Way You Are". I don't hear much of "Somewhere Only We Know". If I hear "Over the Rainbow" I know I'll just cry. I wish you still felt that way about me Toto. I wouldn't take it for granted ever again.

I just wish I got it right the first time.  

I know we have some issues we need to sort out. I know it isn't going to be easy all the time. I know we have to make compromises. I know we have to be fully committed. I know we might get along with other people better sometimes. I know that none of those other choices would work. I know that we'll get upset with each other sometimes. I also know we can't stay mad at each other for that long. Am I still right in thinking we mean too much to each other to just let what we have disappear?

Youdon'twantmeyoudon'twantmeyoudon'twantme. Should I fully close this door and lock it? I want to be there for you so badly. I want to be there for you like you were for me. I owe you that much. Sadly, I don't think you need me at all. For anything. How can I be there for you when you don't need me? I'm not as strong as you. The thing is I know I can be a good friend to you. Why can't I bring myself to let go of everything? I hate not knowing how to act around you. I miss my best friend. I feel like I can't call you that anymore. Is it all broken now? 

Remember when we were in high school and always wished under tunnels, dandelions, eye lashes, and shooting stars? 

What did you used to wish for? I still want to know. 

I'm crazy. How do you put up with me. I'm pretty ballsy when I'm high I shouldn't be telling you any of this. Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Why do I want to send this to you so badly? Too late now. I repeat myself unnecessarily I hope I don't have to embarrass myself like this again.