#filled commission

Without even a glance in his direction, Danny took his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it as he hurried away, and Arin watched him go. Eventually his eyes wandered to Brian. Brian leaned there a few seconds more, a blissful smile on his lips, and let out a deep sigh before he looked at Arin. As soon as their eyes locked he came to him, going around Arin’s desk so he could bury his fingers in his hair. Tingles shot down Arin’s spine. Brian guided him in for a lush, warm kiss – his tongue sliding straight into his mouth as he let out a low moan – and, more than anything, Arin wished that it was enough to chase away his feelings of insecurity.

Brian loved him. He knew that for sure. Brian touched and cuddled and made love to him with dizzying intent, and Arin felt his regard down deep in his marrow.

Danny, though…

“Sure we can’t take the day off, boss?” Brian drawled as he pressed kiss after kiss to Arin’s lips. “Just you...me...Danny...a bed...hell, let’s take the rest of the office, huh? Make it an office bonding orgy.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Still, it did the job: Arin laughed. He squeezed Brian’s hand once before shoving at his chest. “Go, go on, the faster we get this done, the sooner you get to suck my dick.”

Brian simpered at him as he backed away. “Well, with promises like those, who even needs to pack a lunch?” He disappeared before Arin could throw a retort, leaving him blissful as he sank down into his chair.

Blissful...for all of five minutes. And then it was time to think again.

After the disaster that happened while Arin and Suzy were away on their anniversary trip – and how Danny had almost irreparably damaged his relationship with Brian – the two of them rebuilt immediately. No signs of weakness remained. Just two boyfriends drowning in each other. No one could look at them and doubt their love.

Yet Danny, it seemed, wanted to keep Arin at arm’s length even still. He couldn’t figure it out. What was it that made Arin’s relationship with Danny so different from Danny’s relationship with Brian? Was that what it took to get close to Danny – a disaster?

Arin tried to work through logic every time that he faced a problem, but moments like this brought him to a screeching halt. He’d think and think and think and find himself in a circle that he couldn’t get out of. People helped – Suzy, Brian, and oddly even Ross – but alone?

All he could think of now was how Danny had always been a one woman kind of man.

In every story Danny had ever told him, no matter how many girlfriends or lovers or one night stands he’d had, he’d never been a cheater, and he swore he never would. When he was with a girl, no matter if their relationship was for an hour or a year, he was loyal to her. Was that something ingrained in him? Monogamy? Arin fell in love with someone new every hour, but maybe he was the exception to humanity’s rule. Maybe the majority of people could only fall for one person at a time.

And maybe Danny hadn’t realized that yet. Maybe he didn’t know that the only person he was really able to be in love with was Brian.

Stop. Arin raked a hand through his hair with a huff. You’re a fucking idiot, Jesus Christ, will you listen to yourself? This is Danny you’re talking about.

Danny was sweet. He didn’t intentionally hurt people. He tried his hardest in everything he did. He wouldn’t just be waiting for the opportunity to break Arin’s heart.

He was trying. And Arin had to believe that. A relationship was built on trust, and he knew that more than anybody.

He stood up and snagged an agenda from his printer, going into the hallway. He’d lead everyone through what major tasks they had to get done before the end of the week. He’d do his job. And later he’d pull Danny aside and find a way to remind himself that their relationship was as strong as ever.

~~

Danny sighed as he flopped onto the couch beside Arin, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Okay. How many videos are we recording today?”

“Like a million.” Arin tossed a controller at Danny’s stomach and laughed when he jumped. “Hope you drank your energy drink.”

“Gross.” He dropped his hand from his eyes and caught Arin’s gaze, then smiled. The microphones were constantly recording, yes, and they were more than a little careful about what they said in the studio for that very reason. They could never guarantee the editors wouldn’t make a mistake and leave something crucial in the recording and accidentally out their relationship. Cameras, though? Never on. They could get away with staring at each other as much as they wanted. “You’re gonna be a tyrant, aren’t you?” A bright grin spread across Danny’s face as he flicked his eyes up and down Arin’s body. “Probably won’t even let me have a bathroom break.”

“You’ve gotta earn it.” Arin sat next to him and drank in how Danny didn’t look away. He recognized it immediately – the spark of interest in Danny’s eyes – and he thrived on it, tucking it away in his gut, where he felt an answering flame rise to meet it. Even with the lies his subconscious whispered to him about the depth of their relationship, Arin could never doubt that Danny wanted him. He only had to take one look at him to see it. Feel it.

Work came first. Regardless of how suddenly Arin wanted to bury himself in Danny’s arms and chase away all the fears he had, he knew there were way too many videos to record before their con appearance in a couple of weeks. But we can spare a kiss. Those were quiet. And no one was there to accidentally film it.

Arin reached over, cupping Danny’s cheek, and leaned in-

And Danny pushed him away with two hands on his chest and a bubbly laugh. “Gross, dude!”

Pain ripped through Arin’s chest. He furrowed his brow and sat back again, opening and closing his mouth before he remembered there wasn’t a thing he could safely say. But he couldn’t remember the last time Danny had rejected him so...succinctly. Why was it that easy for him?

Did he really not care?

Danny was already off, talking about the game they were going to play, and when he looked at Arin he frowned in the middle of his monologue, looking at him with clear confusion. Did he not realize, then? What he’d done?

Why was that so difficult for Arin to believe?

Arin picked up his controller, took a deep breath, dug down for every aspect of the improvisation classes they’d taken, and seized hold of his best acting chops. “Welcome back!” he said as cheerfully as he could, pushing forward.

And Danny, instead of questioning it, only laughed and looked back at the screen without a care in the world.

Filming went easily enough. No technological mishaps. No true rage. They had a solid chunk of editable content by the time they finally threw down their controllers – but Arin was exhausted. He’d put on a brave face for hours straight without even taking a break. Fuck anybody who says this job is easy. He sat back and closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. Let’s see them do comedy for five hours in a row.

“You think we’re good?” Danny asked as he stood up. “Can I go grab a late lunch?”

No, Arin wanted to say, because we still haven’t talked about what we wanna do for our monthaversary, and I think you’re trying to put some distance between us and it freaks me out, and if I end up going to lunch alone I know all I’m gonna do is sit there and brood for a fucking hour.

But he didn’t say that. He opened his eyes and studied the inch of bare skin beneath Danny’s shirt hem as he stood on his tiptoes, arms reaching toward the ceiling, and tried, against all odds, to be better than that.

“Are you busy next weekend?” He skimmed his eyes slowly up Danny’s frame until he found his face, waiting for some recognition to come through. Nothing.

“Maybe? I dunno. Guess I’ve gotta look.”

Did he really have no idea? Was he clueless? “Maybe you should,” Arin prompted. “Maybe you’ve got something to celebrate.”

Danny laughed as he headed toward the door. “Right, we know how much of a party guy I am now. Makes perfect sense.”

Arin stiffened. “Just, y’know, keep it open if you see you don’t have any plans, okay?”

“My weekends are pretty full, though, most of the time!” Danny sounded as cheerful as ever. Oblivious.

For some reason it pissed Arin off far more than it should. He stood up and shoved past Danny to get to the door first. “Well, have a great time, then,” he muttered as he let the door shut behind him.

If he calls my name, I’ll stop, and I’ll tell him why I’m mad, he promised himself, jaw tight. But the studio door didn’t open behind him, and so Arin walked on and tried his best to leave his anger in it.

~~

The rest of the day, anxiety plagued him. He struggled through a meeting. He barely focused as he went through his fanmail and gifts. Time slowed until he thought he was going to explode. The second the clock ticked over to closing time, he was the first one out of the office – a Grumps first. He couldn’t handle it anymore. All day he hadn’t heard from Danny or seen him, and it only confirmed his fears.

He needed someone else to listen. Someone who could help him figure his shit out. Suzy, bless her, was always going to take Arin’s side for as long as they both lived, and she was out for dinner with a friend that night anyway – and that meant he was left to choose the most intelligent person he knew.

Probably not wise, necessarily, to do anything that made it look like he was pitting one boyfriend against the other, but Arin was at the end of his rope. He sent off a text to Brian at a stoplight, asking him to come over as soon as possible. The sooner he dealt with it, the better.

He didn’t anticipate the waiting being quite so bad. He’d missed traffic fortuitously, but within five minutes of sitting listlessly on his own couch and staring into space he realized that Brian would’ve hit it no matter what. He should’ve done something to distract himself. He should’ve pulled up a game or opened a sketchbook or put on an anime he’d been neglecting – but he couldn’t. He was lost in his own misgivings, and he couldn’t find his way out.

With how things started with Danny in the first place, Arin always believed he’d be able to handle it if Danny had to be a little more hands off than Brian did. Brian was a romantic, through and through, even if he was a kinky little shit, and he never made Arin feel like he wasn’t wanted. They’d figured things out one day at a time, and because of the care they’d taken – the care Brian forced them to take, especially – each day together their relationship had only deepened. It was amazing. It was like falling in love with Suzy all over again – and yet not. Something entirely different that he was still getting used to.

Danny, though, he’d been scared, hadn’t he? Everything had almost blown up among all three of them more than once. He and Brian had to outright seduce him into their lives, when everything was said and done – using sex as a tool to help Danny relax through his panic – and from then on, Arin told himself not to be too disappointed if sex was all he could give them.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if Danny was only giving Brian sex too. But he wasn’t. They were head over heels for each other, and Arin was stuck watching it from the sidelines.

He jolted when he heard someone try the door before they even knocked, and he stood, feeling numb as a ghost as he glided toward it. The second he saw Brian’s concerned face, he threw his arms around him, and his boyfriend hummed as he pushed his hand through Arin’s hair. “Hey, hey, I’m here.”

“I know you are.” Arin had been trying to build up to a joke, maybe, or teasing, but the words came out so mournfully that all he could do was sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Brian kissed his temple, and Arin let his eyes fall shut. “It’s not an emergency, is it?”

“No, I just...” Arin shook his head and huffed out an unconvincing laugh. “Fuck, dude, do you ever do that thing where you get stuck in your own head and can’t get out?”

“Sometimes.” For once, Brian didn’t quip. Arin was thankful for it. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Did he? He’d rather keep it all inside and let it fix itself, but that had never worked out well in the past. Memories of choking himself on his own paranoia as a teenager flooded him. He finally nodded and backed up, taking Brian’s hand and leading him inside. “You want something to drink or whatever?”

“I want to know what’s wrong, and to hold you, and to help.”

Arin shut the door a little too hard and leaned against it. Why did Brian make it so easy to love him, and why did Danny make it so scary? He stood there for a long few seconds, feeling himself shake, then pushed away and walked past Brian to the living room, hearing him follow behind.

He made Brian sit first, then took the other couch without comment – he wanted to be able to see him to talk this through, to get through his frustration without getting caught up in the idle comfort of Brian holding him close. It was dangerous, letting himself give in to the lull of physical touch. He could almost use it to pretend that nothing was wrong in the first place. It would work until that night, when Arin was in bed and struggling to fall asleep and feeling the walls close in around him, tighter and tighter until he couldn’t breathe.

No, this way was better – and he’d see it through.

“It’s about Danny,” he said by way of opening, and he couldn’t miss the way that Brian sat up just that little bit taller. “We didn’t, like, have a fight or anything, don’t worry – at least, I don’t think we did.” Had they? Had Arin done something wrong that Danny was punishing him for in some small way? No matter how much he tried to remember, nothing came to mind, and he threw that concept out the window. “It’s about how...how you two get along.”

Brian wrinkled his brow, but he kept his mouth shut. Small favors. Brian was better at listening than Arin and Danny combined.

Arin knew he could hem and haw about his thoughts for a good hour, if he let himself, but the fear on the back of his tongue didn’t give him that option. Not today. So out it came. “He treats you sweeter than he treats me. Have you noticed that?”

Brian’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Like, romantically! He treats you like you’re a fucking king!” The words burst out unexpectedly as he leaned into the couch and covered his eyes. “I don’t mean, like, when we’re all three in bed or whatever – he treats us about the same there, doesn’t he, how he just lets himself fucking go and fucks the shit out of us – but outside of it, you get the special treatment. You get the kisses and the handholding and the dates, and-”

“Arin, I don’t understand. Slow down. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think he loves me!”

Silence. The panic spread down his throat, thick and acidic, and he shuddered, dropping his hands and staring at the ceiling.

“He doesn’t treat me like he loves me, Brian,” Arin finally said slowly. “He treats me like he wants to fuck me, and that’s it. He holds me back. He acts like we’re just friends, unless all three of us are together. But he doesn’t do that to you.” The memory from earlier that day – how easily Danny had nuzzled Brian – stung. “I thought...I could handle it. I’ve got the most incredible wife anyone could ever imagine. I’ve got an awesome relationship with you. All that says I should be pretty okay with my other boyfriend being just a fuck buddy or whatever, but goddammit, Brian, I love him too much to settle for that.”

“Arin.” Brian sat forward, reaching for his hand, and after a long moment of hesitation he let him have it. “Listen to me. I understand that...that something has you upset right now. But can you listen to me for just a few minutes? Can we work through this together?”

The sweetness Arin was privileged enough to hear on this man’s tone – Brian, who had more fun making people squirm than anything – was rare enough that he knew he should relax. He didn’t. But he did press his lips shut and hope that would be enough to keep his fears at bay for just a little while.

Brian squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, staring at the floor between them, and Arin let himself take a long look at him and marvel at how his mind worked. He really did want to help, didn’t he? A man like this who for years refused to believe that he was attracted to Danny just because he knew he couldn’t have him – who, for all intents and purposes, could have a relationship only with him instead, rather than Arin who was sitting here and dragging him into his own drama. Arin had a wife. Arin didn’t need another partner, and he knew that he was being fucking difficult as shit right now...but Brian hung in there. Brian loved him. And that was remarkable and more than Arin had ever deserved.

“I’ve known Danny for a very long time,” Brian began slowly. “Much longer than you. We’ve been partners in business since far before you and him started to work together. We’ve already been through a lot of the muck of fighting and friendship and drama. We’ve screamed at each other like we were kids in high school before. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“You know each other better.” Arin tried not to sulk.

“I don’t mean it like that.” Brian leaned forward and kissed the back of Arin’s hand, and that soft contact alone made him sigh out another ounce of tension. “Because we’ve got that solid foundation...maybe it was easier for Danny to transition our relationship. That’s not bad. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means that Danny probably doesn’t really know how to compartmentalize the man he is when he’s recording with you, and the man he is when the cameras are off.”

Arin didn’t like the sounds of that. Brian and Danny, it was true, they’d known each other for years before Arin came along. He knew surely that Brian wasn’t suggesting that Danny needed that exact amount of time before he could start acting like a boyfriend to Arin, but…

...goddamn, it was tempting to think of it like that. Tempting to be terrified out of his mind and let the fear rule him. Tempting to let it drive him to confront Danny and talk all this out once and for all.

“Is that really what’s going on?” Brian murmured. He sat on the edge of the couch, and even without looking at him Arin could feel the concern rolling off his body. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

His head felt too heavy for his body. He hung it low, staring at his own feet, his hand going limp in Brian’s grip. “...I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Like...like someone might be better for Danny than me.” He snorted. “Like, obviously I know you are, in a way – that’s what polyamory is all about, right? Knowing that somebody can’t be someone’s everything – but I used to have some confidence that I gave Danny something you don’t. Like I was still irreplaceable somehow. And I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like he’s figuring that out. Like he knows he doesn’t love me.”

“He loves you.” The firmness in Brian’s tone made Arin jerk his gaze to his face. “Listen to me, Arin, he adores you. He thinks you hung the moon. He’s been passionate about you since he even knew what it meant. But he shoved you in a very specific hole in his mind – his best friend – and that’s gonna take time to come out of.”

How much trouble was Arin causing Brian right now? How many times was he going to make Brian repeat the same damn thing over and over again until it finally got through Arin’s thick skull? You’ve gotta do better than this. He felt it again – that fear. Keep it up, and you’re gonna drive him away too.

Brian stood up and took Arin’s other hand, standing directly in front of him and looking more worried than Arin had ever seen him. “Do you wanna go get some dinner? Talk a little more?”

Every single cell in Arin’s body wanted to say yes. Brian was strong. He was irrepressible. It would be easy for Arin to snuggle up against him and drain out his strength. But he couldn’t do that, could he? He had to stand on his own two feet. He shook his head. “No, I...you’re right. Everything you said was right. I’ve just gotta remember it, don’t I?”

Brian was quiet. He wore a frown that caught Arin’s heart and squeezed it tight. “We can still talk about it. I’ve...seriously never seen you quite like this before. I don’t even know where it’s coming from.”

Instinctively Arin knew what he meant. Arin bled confidence out of every orifice. He’d built an empire, first through animation and then through entertainment. Him, the high school dropout with only limited opportunities. For all intents and purposes, everything should’ve fallen to pieces around him when he was barely sixteen. He never should’ve gotten this far – and that meant a man like him was supposed to strut around with his nose in the air and a cocky smirk on his face because he was invincible.

The problem was that Arin had been waiting ever since he made that move toward his uncertain future for everything to fall apart around him. Everything. And, for the first time, it truly looked like it might.

“I probably just need more sleep,” he said, forcing a chuckle as he let go of Brian’s hands. “I’m just, like...running my mouth about stupid shit. It’s fine, dude, don’t worry. You’re right. I need to think through this and tell myself why it’s irrational or whatever, right?”

“You don’t have to do it alone. You know that.” Brian came down on his knees in front of Arin, his handsome face filling his vision. “I know I give you shit all the time, but I know when to turn it off. I’m here for you. I could be here all night, if you needed.”

Having Brian be this serious, every ounce of humor sucked straight out of those concerned eyes, only made guilt fill Arin to the brim. Any moment now it was going to spill over, and the last thing he wanted was for Brian to see it and think Arin was weak. “No, it’s okay, seriously, I think I talked it all out. I’ve just gotta have some me time. I figure shit out better that way.” He pulled a smile that felt like it looked pretty genuine as he stood up, and Brian sat back and tipped his head to see his face. “Unless you wanna make this position make sense…?” Arin managed to tease.

Brian rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, one hand on the coffee table to stabilize himself. “Funny. Yes, Arin, let me suck out all your worries straight through your dick – how did you know my ulterior motive all this time?” But before Arin could laugh, Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in, tucking Arin’s head against his shoulder. Warmth flooded him, as if Brian’s love was flowing straight into him, and he fisted his hands in Brian’s t-shirt and squeezed his eyes shut even as his lover began to speak. “I’m just a phone call away. Don’t forget that. Don’t do that thing where you try and do everything and work yourself half to death. I deal with that enough from Danny.”

Just that one mention of the man plaguing Arin with concern made a fresh flush of anxiety shoot through him, and he knew then and there that he had to get Brian out of his house before he lost it. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’ll get some sleep. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tomorrow. No big deal.” He rattled off platitudes as he pulled back and guided Brian to the front door by the hand. He gave him one searing kiss, then forced another smile. “Drive home safely, okay?”

Brian heaved a sigh. “If I must.” With one last kiss on the cheek, Brian pulled away, and Arin shut the door behind him and leaned heavily against it.

He was fucked, and he knew it. This was going to be a long night.

~~

“Hey baby!” Suzy smiled as she kicked off her shoes at the front door and padded into the living room in her stockings, wrapping her arms around Arin on the couch from behind. “Did you already eat?”

“Yep.” It was easier to lie to her when he wasn’t looking at her. Easier still to pretend that he hadn’t put on an anime and stared at the screen senselessly while he built himself up to nausea fervently worrying about his relationship. “How was dinner?”

“Good!” Suzy kissed Arin’s cheek, then paused when she saw his profile. “You okay? You look all gross and pale.”

Arin rolled his eyes. “Thanks, babe,” he said with a dry chuckle, but when she still didn’t pull away he forced himself to look at her. Dear, sweet, strong Suzy, who’d held him together through thick and thin – who’d gone so far as to let him do this whole polyamory thing without questioning it even once. Did she even know how remarkable she was? How much Arin didn’t deserve her? He palmed the back of her head, feeling her smooth hair, and let out a sigh. “Just feel weird, I guess. Got some things I’m thinking about. Might be up late tonight.”

Suzy frowned as she squeezed his shoulders in another quick hug. “Want me to sit up with you?”

Arin tried, more than anything, not to bother Suzy with any frustrations he had about Brian and Danny. As kind as she was being to let him figure out his relationship with them, she didn’t deserve to be bogged down with their issues too. What if they upset her? What if she got jealous and decided to go fix things herself, even if it meant yelling at his boyfriends until they yelled back? How quickly would everything fall apart? He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head. “Nah. I’ve gotta figure it out on my own. I’ll talk to you about it when it starts making sense, okay?”

It didn’t take a mind reader to see that Suzy wasn’t happy with that idea. “I don’t want you to be alone if you’re sad.” She kissed the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair, unknowingly calling up images of the exact incident Arin knew he needed to forget. “You’ve got so many of us that love you now. There’s literally no reason you have to go through something alone-”

“I know.” He winced from the sharpness of his own tone and tried to shake it off. “I know. I’m sorry, I just...”

“Arin?”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He guided her into a quick kiss. “Don’t worry about me.”

Suzy pouted, but her expression clearly said that she knew Arin’s mind was made up. “I always worry about you, baby.” She stood up and moved to the door frame, where she paused and looked over her shoulder. “Will you come get me if you need me?”

Arin smiled at her even as his foot pounded out a rhythm on the floor. “Duh. You’re my number one wife.”

“I better be,” she teased, but he’d been with her for over half his life now, and he could see how she was struggling to pull together good humor. She went to the bedroom, and Arin flopped on the couch, trying not to think about how much of an inconvenience he was for every single person around him.

Somewhere as the first hour passed, he began to feel restless, yet like he was chained to the couch. Comfort waited for him upstairs – cuddles, a quiet and calm voice in the darkness – but he didn’t feel like he’d earned it. For the first time in an eternity, he found himself gripped so thoroughly by his own pain that he couldn’t escape it.

So he gave in.

The night crept on as Arin played and replayed every way that his relationship with Danny could self-destruct without either of them even really trying. He’d been so forceful with getting him involved. He should’ve waited. He should’ve stopped being an asshole and snapping about how long it was taking him to get his dick out or whatever. So what if he and Brian had to restrain themselves around each other because it made Danny nervous? He should’ve just dealt with it.

And let him be, what, homophobic like that? Arin’s thoughts taunted him. Yeah, sure, that would’ve been a much better solution.

What if Arin had been the one to kill the relationship before it even got started? What was the fucking likelihood that Danny, who was the sweetest and most affectionate man who’d ever lived – practically a puppy – knew that he didn’t love Arin, but just hadn’t found a way to tell him yet?

If Danny broke up with Arin, would Brian feel pulled between them? Would Danny sit there on his dates with Brian and badmouth Arin?

What if he’d already been doing that and Brian was too loyal to tell him?

How long has this whole thing been fucked?

He could practically hear Brian’s voice in his mind, begging him to be patient, and, just as easily, Arin shoved it away. Who could be patient when their heart was pounding in their chest and ice was spreading through their veins?

In the wee hours before the dawn, a specter of fear hovered over Arin, and he refused to let it catch him. He came to his feet, grabbed his keys off the table, and left the house in his bare feet. After so long of doing nothing – barely even breathing – his body was stiff and sore, but the actions that had felt so impossible in the moment were suddenly the only things that felt like they could save him. He did them without thinking. Start the car. Pull out of the driveway. Drive toward the freeway. Get on heading toward Danny’s house. One thing after another, interspersed between the awareness that he had no idea what he was doing or why he was doing it, only that he needed an answer from Danny now, before things fell to pieces--

The second he’d parked in Danny’s driveway, crooked, he climbed out of the car with it still running and took purposeful steps toward his door. Finally he was doing the first sane thing he’d done all day. Even in his sleepless, exhausted head, he knew it made sense – perfect sense.

He knocked on the door. Nothing. Knocked again. The third time he knocked it flew open with a half-frantic Danny standing there. “Arin, what’s wrong, is everyone okay?”

Arin planted a hand on Danny’s chest and pushed him inside – walls were safer than standing in the open air where even the sun was coming out to judge him – and asked the question that had been playing on his mind for over half a day. “Do you even wanna be with me?”

Silence. Dead silence. Danny – beautiful Danny, perfect and owner of such a huge part of Arin’s heart – stared at him, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed. His eyes were glossy. His hair was ruined. And his lips weren’t moving.

He had nothing to say. Seconds that felt like hours ticked by until Arin knew, really knew, that he was about to cry in front of Danny – and he refused to do that and be just another inconvenience for somebody.

Besides, he already had his answer.

He slammed the door behind him as he left, jogged to his car in a desperate attempt to leave the silence behind, climbed in, and drove. No destination. No plan. Just trying to get as far away from it as he could.

It still caught up to him, just like a demon feeding on his pain – and, helpless to resist it, he spent the first half hour of dawn crying his eyes out on the side of the road.

~~

“Where the fuck were you?”

The second that Arin stepped inside, Suzy threw herself at him, the morning light streaming in through the open door. She trembled as she held him close, and he felt it with only faint stirring guilt – he was too exhausted and numb to feel, much less respond to her.

“You never came to bed, you weren’t here when I woke up, you left your phone here...” Suzy’s voice shook as she rambled on, and Arin squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I didn’t know where you were! Danny’s been calling for two hours, Arin! What happened?!”

He couldn’t say anything. Do anything. Everything was trapped in his chest, sealed shut. It was a small blessing, he supposed – anything was better than giving into those tears again like a child – but it left him dead inside. The guilt lifted its head a little higher. He was standing here, being held by the woman he’d pledged his whole heart and life to, and he was steely cold because he’d lost another lover? What kind of man was he?

Any other time, he might’ve heard soft voices lifting in the back of his mind and soothing him – reminding him that they’d started this new ethical nonmonogamy thing together, that he’d simply been so safe in his tower of marriage and happiness that he’d forgotten what it felt like to be broken up with. That it was no wonder the pain was twice as heavy as it had been when he and Suzy had briefly gone their separate ways when they were younger.

But he bludgeoned those voices, kicking them down to the ground, and left them there to bleed out as he stood in silence, simply taking short, shaky breaths.

Suzy guided him to the couch at some point and sat with him, but he didn’t catch the words that surrounded him. He saw Danny’s face staring at him in his mind’s eye, so quiet because the game was finally up. Because Arin knew. Too ashamed to say what Arin needed to hear, but letting the silence speak for himself.

Eventually Suzy stepped away, and Arin followed her with his eyes, feeling a bubble of panic pop in his gut – instincts made him fear that she was leaving him too – but once she was in the entryway, he heard her talking on her phone. “Hey, Brian.”

Brian. Fuck. He sat back with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. He forced himself to listen to her side of the conversation, no matter how difficult it was.

“Yeah, he’s home. I don’t know. Danny told me he went to his house last night and left pretty fast?”

Arin’s jaw tightened.

“He’s not talking to me. No, it’s...not normal. It hasn’t been like this in a while.”

Suzy had been there since they were kids, practically, just two teenagers wandering around in that anime convention, Arin trying to set up his lonely buddy while pretending that he himself wasn’t already feeling the spark of chemistry between them. She’d seen everything – those devastating bouts with anxiety when the shitty comments he received on his art had been so high in number that he hadn’t been able to laugh them off anymore, when she’d held him close while he was at his most nonverbal.

“I can’t call Danny. Brian, I’m pissed as hell at him! Something happened! It can’t just...no, if I see him right now, I just know I’m gonna wring his neck.”

His spitfire of a wife. How many times had she ripped into people without him even asking her? There was a reason he’d had to develop such a casual demeanor about life and criticism – if he showed even the slightest sign of returning to those old, self-demeaning habits he had, Suzy flared up like she was ready to breathe fire. She protected him just like he protected her. That was what they did. He pitied Danny, if he and her crossed paths at the office today before...before what? Things got sorted out? Everything was pretty clearly fucked at this point, wasn’t it? There wasn’t anything to fix. It was done.

“Just go talk to Danny, please? Find out what really happened? I’ll text Brent and let him know everyone’s gonna be in late. You guys are lucky you’ve already got a buffer recorded. ...yeah, I’ll let him know. Thanks. Be safe.”

When Suzy came back into the room, she curled up next to Arin in her pajamas and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Brian says he loves you,” she whispered. “And I love you too, baby.”

Her words were the first balm he’d had in almost twenty-four hours – no, even longer than that. He closed his eyes and sank into her and cried.

~~

The second that Danny’s door opened, Danny looked disappointed, and Brian wasn’t the least bit offended. “Oh. Hey.”

“Not him,” he said dryly as he let himself in and shut the door behind him. The next second he wrapped his arms around Danny and felt how the taller man practically wilted against him. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Is he okay?” Danny asked shakily.

“Didn’t Suzy text you?”

Danny sighed and buried his face in Brian’s shoulder. “I mean, yeah, but, like...I don’t mean physically. She just said he’s home. I think she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” In times of crisis Brian burrowed deep within himself and found a neverending well of patience, and he pulled it out now, letting it flow freely. “She’s concerned. She thinks something happened here last night that neither of you are talking about.”

“I told her everything I know!” Danny burst out, the words rushing out of him as Brian slowly led him toward the couch. “He woke me up from a dead sleep before the sun was even up, I was sure somebody had to be dead or whatever, and he just, like, he asked me if I wanted to be with him or whatever? How the fuck was I supposed to know what to say to that?! I’d just woken up!”

As he might’ve expected. Brian sat them both down, but Danny stunned him by clinging to him even still. He threw a leg over Brian’s thighs and stayed hidden in his shoulder, tightening his arms with a shudder. Had he always craved physical contact like this when he was upset? It was the first time that he’d shown a desire for it – or even let himself be this vulnerable with him.

Brian pet slowly through his hair, making sure not to tangle his fingers in any curls. “Arin’s home. He’s with Suzy. Brent knows we’re all going to be late – fuck, we might not even make it in at this rate.”

“Because of me,” Danny murmured dully. “Because it’s my fault.”

“I’m not putting blame on you about anything, okay?” He kissed the top of Danny’s head. Odd how comforting him came so naturally when they’d never really been like this with each other before. It was like those years of closeness had finally broken down into something logical. Something that made sense. They were partners, through and through, and it showed.

Just as easily Brian imagined Arin’s face as he’d last seen it – forcing a smile, with his concerns still radiating around them – and he realized that he’d never seen Danny and Arin like this before. Not ever. Paranoia was never logical, but even the smallest aspects of an experience could make it grow. No wonder.

“Arin’s...afraid.” If he could spend an entire day comforting Danny before going into this, he would, but there wasn’t time. Suzy made it sound like this used to be a usual response from Arin, but that it hadn’t happened in years. If it was something that she couldn’t comfort him out of, then Brian and Danny needed to do whatever they could to clear up the misunderstanding. And it had to be a misunderstanding. Brian couldn’t imagine, after these years of watching how Danny admired and worshiped the ground that Arin walked on, that Danny had anything less than love for the man, regardless of how he chose to show it. “You know that, right? He’s afraid that you aren’t serious about him.”

Danny pulled away with a wounded expression. “Does he think he’s the only one who’s afraid?!” He gritted his teeth and pulled back, breaking Brian’s hold, and threw himself against the couch arm. “Does he think he’s the only goddamn man who’s ever been afraid of what’s going on in his relationship?”

The last thing Brian had expected was such a violent reaction. “Whoa, whoa, hold on.” He held up his hands. “What are you referring to?”

‘This!” Danny pointed at Brian, himself, then further down the couch – where Arin often sat when the three of them were having a date together. “Us! All of us! Don’t you think I’ve fucked up enough already without even trying?”

Brian shook his head in confusion. “Danny-”

“I almost ruined everything for you and me in one fucking night. I know I did.” He looked like he was fighting to be angry, but all that he received were eyes full of tears. “And okay, sure, we figured it out, but not everybody does that. You should’ve broken up with me on the spot. I hurt you.”

“Everybody hurts each other someti-”

“But not like that.” Danny sucked in a sharp, wet breath. “Look. We’re doing fine. The band’s doing fine. But if we’d broken up and called the band quits, you and me both know we would’ve been okay. Miserable and upset and whatever, but we would’ve still had our work with Grumps.” Before Brian could rebut that idea, Danny plunged ahead. “If Arin and I make this whole relationship thing deeper...if we make it more serious...it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up and he leaves me. And, when that happens, our entire livelihoods are at stake. You, me, Arin, Suzy – everybody in that office would have their lives fall apart. Do you know how long that’ll take to recover from?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s a done deal?” Brian reached for Danny, but when his lover flinched away he drew back. “Why do you just assume you’re going to ruin everything?”

“Because I always do!”

“And that means you’re just going to run before it happens?!”

Danny opened his mouth, then clicked it shut, glaring at the wall with a scowl.

“Danny. You’ve already hurt Arin. I know you didn’t mean to. I know that half of it is his fault for letting his mind get away from him without talking to somebody about it. But it already happened.”

“Goddammit.” Danny covered his eyes.

“But that doesn’t mean your relationship is fucked.” Brian gathered every bit of strength he could, forcing himself to keep his gaze on Danny. This wasn’t easy. But it had to be said. “People get hurt. People upset each other. Relationships take damage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt. Do you know how things like this get fixed? By sitting here, just like we are. By talking. By trying. Remember? Remember how we made love after everything happened? Remember how we reinstated our boundaries and showed how we cared about each other?”

Danny’s shoulders began to shake, hitched breaths breaking from his lips.

“Do you love Arin?”

“I do. I fucking do.” Danny dropped his hands into his lap and looked at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. “It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to do this, Brian. I don’t know how to balance caring about two people like this. I don’t know how to play for keeps. You know that I haven’t had something that lasted longer than six months in years.”

“But it will, this time, won’t it?”

Danny snorted. “It will. Next weekend.” He paused. “...if...if Arin doesn’t just...end it because of this. Fuck, he’s gonna, isn’t he?”

It was impossible to stay clear headed while he watched Danny shake and cry. He’d barely ever seen it before. Only in Danny’s lowest moments, and looking miserable that he’d ever allowed himself to show weakness the entire time. But now? When Brian knew exactly how deeply he loved this man? It was torture. “You don’t know that. He loves you too. We’re going to talk about it, okay? All of us. Just like you and me did.”

Suddenly a burst of unamused laughter broke from Danny’s lips, and he looked at Brian with a grim smile. “It’s always me, isn’t it? It’s always gonna be me dragging this whole damn relationship to a stop. Why can’t it be as easy for me as it is for you two, huh? Why does it have to feel like pulling teeth to get me to be fucking brave when stuff like this happens?” Misery rolled off of him, clouding the room in darkness, and Brian’s hands twitched. “I’m sick of being the idiot that gives you two trouble-”

He couldn’t hold back anymore. Brian dove forward and hugged Danny tight, his heart breaking in his chest. “You’re not an idiot. You’re not. You’re the man we love. Do you hear me? We’d do anything for you. We already have.” Danny grabbed handfuls of Brian’s shirt and soaked through his shoulder with his tears, but he didn’t dream of pulling away. “Don’t you know who you are? Don’t you remember every single time you’ve been a solid fucking rock for Arin or me when we were just friends? When the whole world looked like it was going to fall apart, a-and you just sat there and listened to us and made us laugh so we’d stop freaking out?” Danny couldn’t erase those memories from Brian’s mind no matter how hard he tried. Long nights where Brian had one too many beers and mourned that their music was never going to go anywhere, where Danny so brightly pointed out that at least they were getting to follow their dreams with their best friend. The afternoon Brian had walked in on Arin stressed out about the response they received from one of their videos, and Danny keeping him afloat with jokes and comfort that came so easily to him.

Danny shook his head. “It’s not-”

“It’s that easy. That’s who you are, down to the core of you. You’re not a burden. You’re not trouble. You’re not ruining everything. You just...” He thought of Arin’s impatience and how quickly it had accelerated their relationship together – all three of them – and how, even still, Danny had held in there with them, even though he’d clearly needed so much longer. “...you need time. Don’t you?”

Danny stayed silent.

“You can take as much time as you need to. If you need to step back from our relationship or-”

“No.” Danny furiously shook his head again. “No, I don’t wanna leave you or Arin, I-I just...” He let out a shaky sigh. “I need...to talk to you guys. That’s it, isn’t it? When I’m freaking the fuck out, I need to talk about it, and then I feel better, and bam, it’s magic, it’s done, it’s all better.”

Brian snorted. “I can’t guarantee it’d be that easy, exactly, but...it’s worth trying, isn’t it?” He kissed Danny’s head, flooded with gratitude that his tone was evening out – that he wasn’t trembling anymore. “We can figure out some ground rules. Something you can say if you’re scared and need to talk about something, but don’t know how to do it. We can come over to your side for once instead of dragging you over to ours.”

“Even though it’d piss you both off?”

“It doesn’t piss me off to be patient with you, Danny,” Brian said slowly with a sigh. “I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

Danny lifted his head, looking at Brian with watery eyes and tear tracks still shiny down his cheeks. “You mean it?”

“Duh.”

Danny smacked him in the chest, but it made him smile, and that was all that mattered. “I guess I love you too, asshole.”

“Good.” Brian cupped his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You know what you need to do.”

Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “...yeah.”

“I’ll sit right here with you while you do it.”

“No.” Danny pulled away and raked his hair out of his eyes, looking away. “If I’m gonna call Arin, I-I wanna try to do it myself first. Be brave, and all that.” He shot Brian a look. “Exposure therapy, right? That’s what they call it?”

A stunned laugh burst from Brian’s mouth. “Sure? I guess?”

“Okay, then.” Danny pulled his phone out and stared at it. “...God, I hope he doesn’t break up with me.”

“One step at a time. Don’t get stuck in that feedback loop again. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Thanks.” Danny rolled his eyes as he opened his contacts. “As if an old man could kick my ass.”

“You’re only a slightly younger old man.”

“Fuck you.”

Brian laughed as Danny walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. Banter was good. Banter meant that Danny was getting his feet on solid ground again. It meant Brian hadn’t fucked up either.

He settled back on the couch and listened to the low, indiscernible murmur of Danny’s voice through the bedroom wall. This new relationship was tricky. Even after all this time together – all these years of knowing each other – it was tough getting it to work. A whole new way of communicating. A hundred ways that things could go wrong.

Or right.

Danny suddenly let out one of his bright, helpless laughs, and Brian closed his eyes. Warmth burst in his chest like a bomb – compersion, he realized, for maybe the first time. Compersion paired neatly with hope. With the idea that things might be okay.

After a few minutes, the door opened and Danny stepped outside, beaming as gave Brian a thumbs up while Arin continued to talk in his ear, and Brian winked at him and watched pink spread through his cheeks.

It was a process, day to day. But they’d get there. They’d figure it out, one step at a time.

~~

It was...embarrassing, Arin seeing his boyfriends again. He spent a solid four straight days making self-deprecating jokes both in and out of videos, and if Brian wasn’t giving him threatening looks through the glass then Danny was reaching over to put a reassuring hand on Arin’s leg.

Just...touching him. No goal in mind. No intent to seduce him. Just keeping a steady line of contact.

Did Danny know how much Arin craved that? How, every time he felt the solid weight of Danny’s touch on his thigh, his fingers went loopy on the controller? How his words took a second to make sense again?

It was a process, and he knew it well. He owed both of them a long explanation about his own past with anxiety and self hatred – but in due time. Unearthing those skeletons wasn’t pleasant around Suzy, who had lived through it, much less two men who had never really had the opportunity to see it. Instead, he had to focus on healing. On...doing better, whatever that looked like.

On Friday, he made a promise to both Danny and Brian that he wouldn’t say anything negative about himself, and they’d given each other conspiring looks all day. He succeeded – and, when everyone was starting to trickle out, Danny caught his hand and grinned and kissed him in front of the whole office. “Your reward,” he’d murmured with pink cheeks and a wink. “I’ll see you for our date tomorrow.” And then he’d left, while Arin stood motionless in the middle of the hallway trying to remember what both of them had even planned over the past few days, much less his own name.

Brian’s reward, as he might’ve expected, was a bit filthier, and involved bending Arin over a console and rimming him until he cried – but it worked. Never had Arin received positive reinforcement that made him jizz all over a desk, and the playful spank Brian gave him as he growled for Arin to clean it up only had him floating that little bit higher.

How easy they both made it to try. It wasn’t hard, now, to imagine a world where he could move forward and never let that sharp paranoia nip at his heels again. Did it still come over him that week? Of course it did, especially in the darkness of his bedroom when he didn’t even have to be asleep to see nightmares of Danny’s mournful face in the pre-dawn light – but Suzy curled closer and murmured something inarticulate and chased the shadows away, just like she always did.

It seemed impossible for a man like Arin to be so lucky in love. But he wasn’t going to second guess it.

~~

“What do you think?” Arin grinned at Danny and leaned against the wall while his lover pulled out the key to his house. “Was that dinner worth six months?”

“I think I ate about six months worth of food,” Danny drawled through a giggle, and Arin warmed. “It’s your fault if I burp all night.”

“Not all night, I hope.”

Danny shot him a look. “Why’s that?”

Arin chuckled. “How else are we gonna hear the movie?”

It was a low key celebration, and Arin was sure that people world over would’ve given them both the side eye for. But only dinner and watching a movie together in Danny’s house worked for them. They had conventions coming up. They had tours to think about. They didn’t have the time or the energy to plan something spectacular and massive.

Besides, time alone together was a gift in and of itself. Danny would see Brian alone on Sunday, and then the three of them were already planning to spent the night together in Danny’s enormous bed on Monday night. They’d make it work, and they wouldn’t waste a second.

A year together? Arin would sweep both Brian and Danny away for a private vacation – just the three of them – but neither of them had to know that yet, now, did they?

As they entered Danny’s house, Arin kicked off his shoes and flopped on the couch with a happy sigh. “You know what you wanna watch, babe?”

All night Danny had been calm, but now that he was home, he seemed a little jumpier than before. Nerves bit at Arin, and he shoved them away, refusing to give into the temptation to be suspicious about if Danny didn’t want him here after all. “Not really.” He waved Arin off. “You just pick something. Anything.”

“Cool. Time to turn you into a weeb!”

“No, your evil plan!”

Arin’s face nearly split open with the force of his grin as he turned on the TV and grabbed a controller to surf through Netflix. He’d barely gotten everything running when Danny sat on the couch watching him.

Arin glanced over. “What?”

“Nothing.” Danny grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. “You just, you look good, that’s all.”

A rare compliment. Maybe it was silly for it to burst like a fire flower in his chest, but Arin stammered with a quiet laugh, looking down at the controller and losing track of what he’d been doing. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Seriously. I like seeing you like this. Smiling. I think I fell in love with your laugh before anything else.”

“I can’t believe I have the Sexbang himself coming onto me.” Making it a joke meant that Danny could pull out when he got too uncomfortable with how deep in he was. It made sense.

But even still, Danny scooted closer until their thighs pressed together, then looped an arm around his neck. “Then I fell in love with the rest of you. And it was pretty fucking sweet.”

Arin shivered. He leaned into Danny, then caught his breath when he was only pulled in a little more. He tucked his legs under him and surrendered to the cuddle as he looked back at the screen.

Danny caught his chin and turned his head slowly, and the heat in his gaze when they locked eyes sent a crackle of lightning straight down Arin’s spine. Danny took a long moment to admire the shape of his lips before he tucked Arin’s hair behind his ear and leaned in.

Arin had expected two things from their inevitable sex tonight – either a lot of laughing and joking around or a sharp, sparking sort of passion. Those were safe for Danny, he’d come to realize over the past few months. Either he could turn his own strong response for Arin into something to tease about, or he could give himself over to it fully like a hurricane so that both of them were sore when it was over.

This slow, languid kissing didn’t fit into either category.

Arin whimpered as he tilted his head to the side, inviting him closer, and Danny hummed in response – but he seemed impervious to Arin’s silent suggestion. He kept the gentle pace steady, and Arin marveled at the simple perfection of how their slick lips moved together without a single interplay between their tongues.

It was...oddly innocent. Curious. Like two teenagers on their first date, not two grown men who knew each other’s bodies like the back of their hand. But, strangely enough, it seemed exactly like what Arin needed. He shivered from head to toe and melted into the cushions, and Danny’s lips quirked into a smile against his own.

After long, agonizing minutes, Arin distantly heard his gaming system turn off from inactivity, and Danny broke the kiss. Was it over, then? Was that all? Arin fumbled for the controller, but it fell to the floor as he gasped when Danny simply turned his head to press three feathersoft kisses over his neck.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” There was a faintly amused tone to his words, and Arin tried to find his intelligent brain to quip back, but all he could manage was a weak moan as teeth nibbled lightly at his skin. “Fuck, you sound so hot...” Danny whispered as he interlaced two of their hands and squeezed.

Incredible, really, how Danny could make him hard in ten seconds flat. His cock had stirred from the gentle kisses, but those words were enough to have him aching in his sweatpants, and he immediately reached and groaned as he pressed the heel of his palm against his hardness.

“Not yet.”

“What?” Arin whined.

Danny bubbled up with laughter as he took Arin’s hand, then looped that arm around his own slender shoulders. “We’re taking our time tonight.”

“Are we?” Arin didn’t mean to sound so breathless, like he’d heard a great secret and his biggest dream combined, but out it came, and he squirmed when Danny chuckled again.

“I’m yours all night.” He thumbed over Arin’s knuckles with a pleased sigh. “And you’re mine.”

Time bled together in a dizzying way as Danny covered Arin’s neck, cheeks, and collarbone with kisses that felt like promises. His skin buzzed, oversensitive, until even the faintest tickle of Danny’s breath could make his hips lurch. If this was Brian, he knew he’d be held down, his wrists pinned to the couch and his legs kicked open so his entire body belonged to him in that moment – but Danny had no such desires. No, he seemed to want to let Arin ride the wave of his teases, shaking and gasping and moaning in turns as he waited for...for anything. Anything that Danny would gift him with.

“Bed?” Arin said once, hopefully, when wiggling made him aware of just how sticky his boxers were from precum.

“Not yet.” Danny sighed. “But...well. I guess we can take a minute and just...” As he trailed off he slid his long, thin fingers into the waistband of Arin’s pants and boxers, then pulled them down in one movement and dropped to his knees on the floor. Arin refused to let himself imagine what this might mean. He never received this from Danny. But there his lover was, looking him in the eye with a smirk as he ran his hands up and down Arin’s bare thighs.

Arin’s cock twitched, and Danny laughed – and then he leaned down.

The kisses began again, one right after the other, leading a smooth line up his legs that had Arin feeling like he’d gone to heaven. He’d always wondered, really, what sort of lover Danny was in the past – his laughter and his primal passion in turns seemed like rare things he might give into with women, especially given the faint misogyny he’d grown out of that might’ve manifested in the past as treating ladies as if they were shrinking flowers. Was this how he’d been with them, then? Slow? Teasing? Gentle?

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with a shaky sigh, but he turned his eyes to Arin’s cock as he slowly approached it, one kiss at a time, with a certain heat in his gaze that couldn’t be ignored.

No, he wasn’t pretending Arin was someone else – some shadow of the past. He knew exactly who he was with. And he was burning up just like Arin was.

“Danny...” The word slipped out like a prayer. “Please, I-I...”

“Let me take my time.” The statement was easy and unassuming. Rich like honey. As their eyes met Danny smiled. “Let me show you how much I love you.”

Arin whimpered and slouched another inch, feeling like he might melt straight off the couch. This was what he’d wanted all week – wanted and then felt selfish for, after the idle fantasies slipped out of his mind. He couldn’t bear asking for anything like this – and, for the first time, he wondered why. Danny shouldn’t have to read his mind to know that Arin wanted him to take some slow, intimate time with him. Arin needed to tell him what he needed. Right?

He was unimaginably lucky that Danny had even given him the chance, after how Arin had acted. And he’d find a way to repay him in spades.

“Everything still square with testing?” Danny asked absently as he nosed his way along Arin’s sensitive thigh.

Forcing himself to think logically was quite a feat. “Y-yeah, Suzy and me, we, uh, we got tested, um, two weeks ago? Everything’s negative.”

“She’s still good with this? Not using condoms?” Though they’d talked about it in the past, they still rarely did it.

“Yeah, totally.” Arin barked a laugh. “Do you want me to get my phone out and call her and ask for you?”

Danny giggled. “Shut up, I’ve gotta be sure.” Somehow, Danny was the one, no doubt after his former quick series of entanglements, one right after the other, to make sure that everyone continued to check in about fluid bonding with each other – knowing that Suzy especially, not being involved with the two of them, was willing to trust them with unprotected sex with Arin, just like she and him had. It was a small thing, just an indication of how seriously Danny took this commitment – how much he cared about Suzy’s safety and consent as well – and it made Arin’s heart burst with adoration.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, sliding fingers delicately into Danny’s curls.

Danny hummed, his smile softening. “I love you too.”

The long swipe of Danny’s tongue up Arin’s shaft made him shiver, like sweat was breaking out all over his body, and he let out a moan that was just as desperate as he felt. Danny took his time. As if he’d been doing this for years, he suckled his way along Arin’s length with wet kisses, then lapped at the head of his cock over and over again just to turn his blood into lava. Arin twisted on the couch, prepared to be shoved back into place, but Danny only laughed and squeezed his hand around his thigh as he took just the head of Arin’s cock into his mouth.

“You’re so fucking good to me...” Arin went boneless and pliant as Danny slid the tip of his tongue through his slit. Pinpricks of pleasure burst on his skin. “Oh my God-”

Danny moaned around him, vibrations spreading up his shaft. His steadying hand slid down to run a finger over Arin’s balls without a hint of nerves.

Everything really was going to be okay, wasn’t it? Arin trembled with the force of the realization. After months upon months of waiting for Danny to continue his bi crisis and go running, he’d relaxed, and Arin had barely even realized it. What was it that had changed? Arin felt a sparking curiosity rush through him regarding Brian and Danny’s sex life alone behind doors. Had Brian been the one to whisper in Danny’s ear when he was anxious about what they were doing? Had he been Danny’s first in so many experiences and acts, just because it was secure when it was just the two of them?

Arin should feel jealous, he thought – but it never came. His whole soul rose above him, reaching out for Brian’s somewhere in town, effervescently happy. After all this time and all their worries and all of Arin’s fucking impatient prodding, something right had happened, and he felt more grateful than he could say.

Danny began to bob slowly on Arin’s cock, his slick mouth hot and tight around him, and he curled his toes as he groaned in appreciation. Danny seemed to light up from the wordless praise; he sighed and took him just an inch deeper, the fingers on Arin’s hip pillowing in his skin. It was obviously a process – Danny took his time with the blowjob because he had so little experience that he didn’t want to choke himself – but the act itself was immeasurably beautiful to Arin. He didn’t need it to be the best damn blowjob he’d ever had.

He just needed to feel his heart connecting with Danny’s.

“I need you to fuck me,” he said suddenly, before he’d even acknowledged the thought. “I-I need...”

Danny made an amused sound as he pulled off and turned his neck to suck on one of Arin’s balls.

“Fuck!” Arin slammed his head back on the couch. “I-I need t-to...to feel you. All of you. On me.”

With a sigh, Danny nodded. “Motherfucker, I wanted to spoil you, but...”

Arin blinked. “But?”

“...but I need it too.”

Something about the confession made Arin’s heart skip a beat. “Really?”

Danny stood up and pulled Arin to his feet, holding him tightly against his clothed body. “I need to know you forgive me. Really forgive me.”

“I did. I do. I told you, y-you didn’t even do anything I had to forgive--”

“I know you told me.” Danny’s arms tightened just that little bit more. “But I wanna feel it. If...if I can hold you and make love to you...”

Words that he never thought he’d hear Danny say. Words that sounded, somehow, like they didn’t deserve to come out of his mouth. Not with the persona that Danny had so carefully cultivated over years for his career. They sounded almost clumsy – like he hadn’t been expecting to say them – and something about it felt so real – not anywhere near fake, not in the slightest – that Arin’s knees shook. He felt like a corseted woman who hadn’t expected to be proposed to, needing to sit down to take the huge surprises of life, not like a naked man about to explode from the intimacy thick in the room around them.

“Then make love to me.” Arin’s voice shook with emotion, and he felt Danny chuckle quietly in response – like he couldn’t believe it was really something they were saying, admitting. “Fucking do it.”

“Hell yeah.”

Danny took both of Arin’s hands and walked backward through the house, beaming down at him, and it was on its way to being cute as fuck when he tripped over one of Arin’s shoes and sent both of them stumbling. The lightness of their laughter broke the overwhelming tension vibrating in the air as they made their way to the bed and both climbed in.

“You wanna, like, not use a condom here too?” Arin asked curiously.

Danny blinked at him. “You want that?” He couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You want my cum in your ass, dude, really?”

“I mean...” Was that going to gross him out to suggest?

Before Arin could overthink anything in the old, tentative headspace that he was still sorting through, Danny leaned forward and gave him such a dizzying kiss that it bled the thoughts right from his brain. “Yeah, sure, let’s do it.”

“You sure?”

Danny grinned. “Absolutely.”

Arin reached for Danny’s shirt, but he caught his hands and eased him to lay back on the sheets. Danny straddled him and slid his own shirt over his head – like giving him a show, and it was one that Arin was more than happy to watch. He let his gaze rove over Danny’s slender torso, catching on the sparse hairs of his chest, feeling the lurch of his body’s reaction to his lover. The sheer magnitude of his attraction – and how it was okay to feel – took his breath away.

His clothes fell away, little by little, jeans and socks and briefs joining the shirt on the floor, until Danny wrapped a hand around both of their shafts and gently began jerking them off together.

“No, no,” Arin whined, and Danny grinned impetuously. “Fuck me fucking now!”

“Let me take my time with you! God!” Danny hunched down to kiss him, and though Arin had the distinct feeling that it was only to shut him up, he gave in immediately, twisting their tongues together while Danny’s long fingers coaxed ripples of pleasure down his spine.

It nearly didn’t matter how much time he wanted them to take. Arin forced himself to jerk his head back and catch his breath. “I-if you take too much time, I’m...Danny, I’m not gonna last.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “You serious?” His sweet voice carried just a hint of a growl to it, one that rose with every movement of his hand. “You need me that bad?”

Words were impossible to grasp when Danny was hovering over him, his curls illuminated by the light on overhead, his legs tangled with Arin’s. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to calm down the tidal wave of arousal breaking through his body, but it was impossible. He couldn’t even catch his own breath. For the first time in months, he felt the strength of Danny’s fondness for him one hundred percent. There were no questions of if this was just to get off, or if he was only doing it because Brian was there.

No, this was fucking love, and it was goddamn overwhelming.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Danny whispered as he leaned in for another kiss. He released their cocks, lathing his tongue over Arin’s bottom lip in silent request for him to open his mouth, and he gave himself up to it with another weak moan. Distantly he heard Danny’s hand open the nightstand and felt something hit the bed.

When he began to pull away, Arin grabbed his arms and whined. “Danny...”

“I’ve gotta finger you, dude,” he said with a chuckle.

“But...” He had the distinct feeling that if Danny pulled away – if their bodies stopped touching – that he might cry. His emotions were ratcheted far too high to come down that easily.

Danny kissed him again, swallowing the sounds he didn’t even realize he was making. “You’re gonna give me an arm cramp. Worth it.” He nudged Arin’s thighs apart with one leg, then half-draped himself over Arin’s torso, their hearts hammering against each other. It was enough for him to rub cold, slick fingers over his hole.

As he began opening Arin up, Danny kissed him with no sense of purpose or rhythm. It was like all he wanted to do was taste him for the rest of their damn lives. Why hurry? Why focus on something else? They’d get where they needed to be eventually.

It had taken them years, but they’d gotten here, hadn’t they?

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Danny whispered between kisses, and the words sluiced over Arin’s body. “I can’t fucking believe it, babe.”

“Yeah, well, look at you.” Arin cupped Danny’s stubbly cheek with one hand and grinned at him. “Jesus, your eyes are fucking gorgeous.”

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with pleasure, and Arin filed it away, feeding on it. There was the instinct to feel embarrassed about the words, but...no, no more of that. It was worth it. Every word.

“D’you ever think...” Danny trailed off suddenly as he eased two fingers inside of Arin, glancing away.

Arin held his breath, adjusting, before turning Danny’s face back to look at him. “Think what?”

“I-I just...” He laughed. “This is dumb, with my fingers in your ass and all, but-”

“You’re not dumb. I wanna hear whatever you wanna say.”

Danny closed his eyes, teeth glinting through his sudden beaming smile. “Geez. Uh, I...do you ever think about what it’d be like if this all just...got serious?”

Arin blinked. “It is serious, isn’t it?”

“No, yeah, but I meant, like...like if all of us...”

Arin’s heart beat like a rabbit’s.

“...wouldn’t it be fucking cool if you, me, Brian, and Suzy all just...played house someday? If this just...never stopped?”

Fuck. Fuck. He knew that Danny was just dreaming out loud, like they did sometimes over burgers when they talked about the places they wanted to go on tour and the people they wanted to collab with. He knew that he wasn’t proposing fucking marriage or anything – that being together like this made thoughts and feelings and words rush just that little bit closer toward the surface until it was impossible to hold back. But the fact that it had been on his mind at all was incredible.

He could have a life like that, if all of them wanted it. If they all worked carefully. A place for just him and Suzy, but adding on a place for him and his men, all of them having a future together in a massive house with dreams and love and desires that they didn’t have to think twice about fulfilling.

Danny’s face blurred. Arin sucked in a shaky breath, and when Danny grinned back at him he hugged him tight so his mouth pressed against his ear. “I want you to fuck me like we’re there,” he whispered. “Like...like we’ve got our whole lives together, and we’ve been thinking about each other all day, and we just got back to our home, and Brian and Suzy are making dinner, and we just...we...”

“Yeah,” he whispered back. He shifted his fingers, dragging them over Arin’s prostate, and as he gasped and arched his back Danny kissed his cheek. “Fuck, I love you.”

“Love you too,” Arin barely managed to say before a tear slid down his cheek. He was being a huge baby, and he knew it, and he loved every second of it. He could be vulnerable here. He could know that Danny wanted these things, even just in a distant corner of his mind – that he fantasized about possibly having a whole life with Arin outside of work. That he wasn’t just looking for a way out.

Without asking if he was ready – just by reading his body and his moans – Danny shifted and pushed his cock inside of him, rolling his hips in slow, shallow thrusts as he worked deeper and deeper in. Arin clung to him. He wrapped his thighs around his slender hips and squeezed, arms so tight around him that Danny couldn’t slip away. “You feel so good,” Danny gasped.

Arin groaned in response, his eyes rolling back as he basked in the sensation. This slow push and pull, it felt real, tethering him to reality. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t need to come. He just needed to feel the weight of Danny on his body and the way that they were joined and how every one of their cells felt like they were tingling and waiting to press together.

He drowned in the ragged, wet breaths Danny let out near his ear. He reveled in how Danny bottomed out, his hips flush against him, and how he hesitated there, like he never wanted to leave. He melted as Danny kissed over his neck, and as he squeezed around his lover’s cock he grinned when he felt him shiver from head to toe.

“Love you, I love you so much, I’ll never stop...” The words slipped from Danny’s lips as he began moving again, picking up his pace with hips that stuttered every time that Arin gripped him just that little bit tighter inside. The words knit something over Arin’s weary brain – like a blanket that fit snugly around the parts of him that had been so panicked at the beginning of the week.

“Don’t, don’t stop,” Arin begged on a gasp. The words only egged Danny on. He wrapped his arms around Arin, lifting him slightly off of the mattress; with their bodies pressed together, he could only pull an inch or two out of him, and he began to chase his release, their skin slapping together with the sudden rhythm he took. “Oh God-”

“Fucking beautiful,” Danny gritted out, his words shaking with the force of his thrusts.

It was everything. They were everything. Arin couldn’t hold back his litany of moans as he fixated every ounce of his focus on Danny – and he let out a sharp cry when he felt him come. His cock twitched inside of him, filling him up little by little, and Arin melted into the sheets, feeling utterly taken and desired and claimed-

“I’m a fucking selfish asshole,” Danny whispered barely a second after, not even tasting his afterglow before he lifted away just enough to shove between them and jerk Arin’s cock.

“D-don’t you fucking, don’t apologiz- shit…” Arin’s entire body began tingling, and he fought through it to speak. “I love this, I love you.”

“Couldn’t help myself.” Danny kissed him, still buried deep inside of him, his hand practically stripping his cock raw. “Needed you.”

And Arin had needed to be needed. He couldn’t verbalize it, not when he suddenly spilled in Danny’s hand with his name on his lips. Every part of him blurred into white hot pleasure, and he basked in it, trembling and gasping, until he slowly began to come down, right back into Danny’s arms.

“Jesus,” Arin whispered with a sleepy smile. “What the fuck, how am I supposed to go home tonight after that?”

“Don’t.” Danny lifted his head and watched him. “Don’t, just stay here. Text Suzy and let her know. Please.”

Never once had Danny practically begged for Arin to stay with him. He’d always smiled and kissed him and helped him get cleaned up and sent him home. Had he always wanted Arin to stay? Had he just been too afraid to ask?

“You sure?” Arin wiped what he realized with a shock was a tear track from Danny’s cheek.

Danny nodded. “Absolutely.”

After a long moment of drinking Danny in, Arin launched himself out of the sheets, falling straight onto his hands and knees, and Danny burst out laughing behind him as he scrambled to his feet. “You’re so stupid!” Danny called after him, and Arin grinned over his shoulder in good humor just before he disappeared into the living room to find his phone.

A hand on his chest made his thoughts still, and Brian watched Danny roll over and rest his head next to his on the pillow. With his cheeks still flushed and his gaze shimmering, he looked as languid and beautiful as a god, and Brian couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“We should do this more often,” Danny murmured.

Brian chuckled. “What, fuck? Twice a week isn’t enough for your rabbit libido?”

“Absolutely not.” He pushed in closer, his chest flush against Brian’s ribs, and he sighed and dropped an arm around Danny’s shoulders. No way in hell was he ever going to push him away when it came to cuddles. Silence spread between them for a few seconds before Danny opened his mouth again. “I just mean that, y’know, things feel...right when you’re here. It’s always been that way. It’s never gonna change.”

Shadow thoughts reared their ugly head, speaking so fast that Brian couldn’t comprehend them. Just felt the existential dread resting on his chest, pushing down more and more and more until he could scarcely breathe. “It’s because I’m fucking perfect,” Brian quipped in response, even as it made the rumble rise that much higher. “Not my fault you had nothing but a bunch of losers before me.”

Danny snorted and prodded him in the side, but didn’t reply. That was odd enough. Danny always at least tried to have a verbal comeback for Brian, even if it sounded ridiculous in hindsight. Straight up silence was rare.

He has something he wants to say.

Every nerve in Brian’s body sparked, hairs standing on end, as he listened to his lover’s breathing. Danny would inhale, pause, then let it all out quickly. Lift his hand, as if to use it to talk, and then drop it again and go back to thumbing over Brian’s skin.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Brian finally murmured when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore.

Danny cupped his cheek and met his eyes. “I get lonely when you leave, man.” Even after these months together, common pet names were still odd for them, and Brian felt the affection in that old form of address deeper than he ever had before. “My bed gets cold. I don’t sleep as good. It fucking sucks.”

Jesus. Realization filled Brian’s chest, and he stared at him unblinking. “Sucks to be you?” Sarcasm was safe. Sarcasm kept him from hoping for something that he didn’t think he might deserve.

A smile flashed up at him, nervous but true. “Your lease runs out in two months, dude. I know you haven’t signed it yet. And, uh...I think you should move in with me.”

Warmth and pleasure flooded him from his mind downward, engulfing his heart in such love that he could barely breathe. He rolled over and pressed in tight, until their noses rubbed together – until he could see every single thought in Danny’s brown eyes. “You really mean that?”

The grin only widened. “I wouldn’t kid about that, Bri. I love you – you know I do. And I’m sick and tired of watching you walk out my door to go to your shitty ass bed.”

“My bed is fantastic,” Brian declared as he wrapped his arms around Danny and kissed him.

Laughter vibrated against his lips. As Danny pulled back, Brian tried to chase him, but he wasn’t deterred. “I’m burning your mattress when you move in.”

“Yeah?” He kissed him again. “I’m burning your shoes.”

“Fuck you! I’m throwing all your old man clothes out!”

Brian pulled him on top of him and beamed. “I’m throwing out your shirts from college.”

Real terror filled Danny’s gaze. “You wouldn’t!”

Brian simply quirked a brow.

“You’re evil.” Danny rolled them over completely, so Brian straddled him, and dragged him down for kisses that filled them both with moans. “I’ll make you pay the mortgage with me.”

Brian chuckled and gripped his jaw lightly in one strong hand – a tease of power. “Careful, Danny. That sounds like you’re going to ask me to marry you next.”

He pulled him in.

Between kisses and gentle manhandling and faint groans of pleasure, Brian drowned in Danny once more. Bubbled up as brightly as he was with the golden sheen over their future together, he couldn’t quite remember where the dark storm clouds of earlier had come from.

 ~~

 Plans were easy to make. They were more like dreams than anything else. It was easy for Danny to lean on Brian’s chair in the office and tell him to look up a certain piece of furniture that he wanted to buy – but only if Brian wanted it too. He’d talk about starting to make space in his closet for Brian’s clothes. There’d be a question about what Brian might want to bring into the house from his apartment, since Danny had entire rooms that weren’t even being used yet.

It was perfect.

Brian was a logical man. He worked with numbers and facts, not things that were unattainable. The theory of perfection was impossible when it came to anyone – but for someone like Brian? Twice as unlikely. Something would inevitably fall to pieces every time, and with each day that passed without incident, it meant that the likelihood of failure doubled. Over and over and over it went, until he might very well be walking on a tightrope and peering down into the abyss and knowing that even the softest breeze would knock him over.

He did not deserve perfection. And that appeared to be precisely where their lives were heading.

 ~~

 “You’re really sure about this, huh?” Brian asked, interrupting Danny in the middle of talking about putting him on his homeowner’s insurance plan. “Like...honest and truly.”

Danny blinked at him. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap aside with a quiet laugh. “I mean...yeah? Does it seem like I’m not?”

A few seconds of silence passed as Brian parsed through his thoughts, trying to pinpoint the exact reason he felt unsure. “I mean...it took me literal years to enter a relationship with you, Dan. You remember how we got together? When...when you weren’t even sure if you were still straight or not?”

More quiet. A hint of tension lingering in the air between them. Danny cleared his throat and turned on the couch to face him, their paused movie going completely ignored. “I, uh...no, yeah, I remember that.”

“So you can understand why I’m a little surprised that you brought it up in the first place.” Or that you’re even taking it as seriously as you are.

Danny reached out and snagged one of Brian’s hands, squeezing it. He kept his eyes on it as he spoke. “I took a while. I know I did. You didn’t have to be patient with me, man, but...but you were, and...I’m trying to show you that I’m serious. Okay?”

Brian glanced up at him.

“This isn’t about playing house. This is me trying to make sure you know that I want you in my life. Always. I think about you constantly when you’re not here ‘cuz it just makes sense for me to come around the corner and see you cooking in the kitchen or something.” Danny slowly met his eyes and ran his thumb over the back of his knuckles. “I know I kind of led you on there for a while. I know I kept getting scared shitless about what might happen if we...if we started being more than friends. And I’m glad we did – I really am – but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life wondering if my fucking commitment issues are gonna suddenly pop up out of nowhere.”

Brian shook his head. “Us moving in together won’t obliterate those. They might still be there, and they might come out, and we’ll have to deal with them-”

“I know, I know.” Danny laughed and looked away. “I know, Brian, like...I’m the one here who’s gonna drag this relationship down, if it ever gets shaky. I know that. My issues are fucking ridiculous, and you don’t have, like, a single thing wrong with you, and it’s kind of intimidating, but...”

The shadow voices rose again, whispering in the back of Brian’s mind, a sinewy sort of melody that he couldn’t completely ignore.

With a sigh, Danny called his attention back to him again. “Look, I love you, Bri. I love you. That’s not gonna stop any time soon. And I wanna prove it by taking this to the next level.”

Brian’s lips quirked. “Even if it’s scary?”

“Even if it’s scary.”

“And I make you remodel your entire bathroom?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Brian laughed. “All right, fine. So you put me on the fucking mortgage and insurance. What next?”

Danny beamed at him, looking up through messy curls, staring at him with far more love in his eyes than he’d ever deserved.

He was breathless with the weight of it.

 ~~

 Brian stepped away from his laptop to make some coffee, too restless to sleep and too jittery to keep looking at quotes for moving companies. He hadn’t even gotten too far into planning – he still had to go looking for boxes – but it was too much to handle all at once tonight.

Evenings like this called to mind some of the more desperate lows of his friendship with Danny. That phone call, the one where he told him about how he’d be moving to the United Kingdom. The response he’d received. It trickled down his back like shards of ice, chilling him to the bone. Sometimes, even if he couldn’t recall every single precise word, the devastation still came heavy, like snow that turned into hail, beating him down until he didn’t have lungs to breathe with.

He hesitated next to the kitchen counter, then sagged against it, feeling old concerns scratch at the back of his throat. Was Danny asking him to move in so he could guarantee that he’d keep Brian there, no matter what? Did he not trust Brian to stick around anymore?

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, took a deep breath, then tried to force it down, like sticking his foot in the garbage can and pressing.

These were reasons why he didn’t deserve the innocent happiness he saw in Danny’s gaze. He’d hurt him. Over and over again, he’d caused him pain in order to distance his own love from Danny. It was safer that way, he thought. Sensible. He could say that he wanted to move across the ocean to pursue better job opportunities, but the lies had been sand in his mouth, and every damn time he thought for sure that Danny knew.

Brian didn’t like lying. But it was all he ever did.

“Stop,” he whispered. He forced himself to inhale, filling his chest to the brim. He wouldn’t bubble over tonight. He wouldn’t let himself linger. He couldn’t. He just...he…

The pain stayed. Cloying him into a false sense of security, it traced claws over his muscles, then stabbed deep the second he thought the danger had passed.

It hasn’t been this bad in a while.

Brian considered the alcohol he had trapped high in his kitchen. He rarely indulged, and given that his boyfriend and most other friends didn’t touch the stuff he didn’t often find reason to bring it down. The temptation was there tonight. He stared at the closed cabinet, then moved away, wandering aimlessly through the apartment. He told himself that he was going to start sorting through things that he’d donate or throw away rather than take with him in the move.

Instead he ended up in front of his mirror.

For long moments, he simply stared, taking in the way he appeared to the world. The t-shirt with the physics pun on it. The jeans that had seen better days. Wrinkles on his hands and by his eyes. Silver hair slowly consuming the dark. Bulging eyes, thin lips, massive nose, thick gut, thighs covered in stretchmarks--

The pain was here. It sliced through him, dragging him into the thick of it, where there was no escape.

Danny deserved better than a man like Brian. Danny was...was beautiful and remarkable. He represented a far greater success story than anything Brian could ever do. He inspired people. He changed lives. He made everyone think that they could be better, if only they fought like he had. He had a laugh that lit up a room, and eyes that smoldered just as well as they sparkled, and a smile that made whoever saw it think that they were the only person alive.

It didn’t make sense that things had changed as quickly as they did. That Danny had...realized somehow that he wanted Brian. That he’d ached for him for years. That didn’t happen in real life. No one had happiness like that – especially not someone far past their prime, and who’d spent years making sure that their most secret, intimate feelings were kept hidden away.

Had Brian somehow manipulated Danny into wanting him without even trying? There wasn’t another logical explanation. Taking a man who had identified as heterosexual for his entire life – who even today still didn’t know what label to apply to himself, in this climate of ever changing sexuality language – and making him believe that he loved him? That he wanted to have sex with him? How did that happen? How did someone really have no prior concept that they might be slightly less than straight for almost forty years, and then suddenly wake up with a boner for another man?

Somehow he’d done something wrong, he thought.

A ping in the living room startled him, and Brian fought through the remnants of the haze before he remembered his phone, the message alert, that he had a text, and he forcibly turned himself from the mirror and breathed once more. He wandered back into the living room and checked his phone.

It was from Danny. A screenshot of a furniture website. A couch – far bigger than his own, something to compete with the massive sectional that Arin and Suzy had – that would finally make Danny’s living room look a little less barren.

“Plenty of room for cuddles and kicking your ass in games! Can’t wait for you to be here. The house is too quiet. The only way I’m staying sane is by thinking about when you’ll be here with me forever.”

Such sweetness dripped like honey into his mouth. Did he deserve it? No, maybe not. But he was a selfish man. He always had been. Why else would he have accepted Danny’s new feelings without questioning them? And he wanted this. Wanted Danny.

Maybe he was an imposter, and maybe Danny hadn’t figured that out yet. Maybe he never would. Maybe Brian would go his whole damn life knowing he didn’t deserve love as pure as this, or friendship as steadfast as he received from Arin or Brent or Ross, or kindness as rich as what he felt on a daily basis even from total strangers.

But he was going to fight to keep it. And nothing would stop him.

He sent a text back – ”It’s hideous. It’ll match the rest of your decor perfectly.” – and felt his lips quirk when Danny sent him a pouting selfie back. He saved the picture immediately, then sat down and picked up his laptop again.

Moving companies. Right. He could work on that. He could ignore the throbbing ache in his chest still – where the claws had marred him the worst. He could get things done and not be so fucking useless.

Easy peasy.

 ~~

 “Morning!”

“Morning.” Brian gave Danny a quick kiss on the lips and smiled at him fondly as they passed in the hallway. “Ready to do all my work for me?”

“Fuck you!” Danny sang out brightly as he disappeared around the corner, and Brian laughed. He sat at his desk with a sigh and immediately opened up his emails, preparing to slog through the important ones and neglect the shit. It’d take him a little while to wake up, and sipping his coffee while doing this always helped.

Having Danny beside him never helped matters of focus. It was a process – becoming comfortable enough in their relationship that they could still be pleased to see each other and occasionally play some kind of stomping foot wars under the desk in the name of flirting, but also no longer feeling like live wires the second they both made eye contact and being unable to complete any work again until they snuck away to the bathroom for a few stolen moments of making out. They were relaxing so much more now that it felt...domestic, somehow, to sit here and go through emails and to know that Danny would be back soon, and that they’d sink into the quiet of their keyboards clacking while simply breathing each other in.

Brian took another drink of coffee when he heard footsteps behind him, and he glanced, then turned fully in his chair when he saw Arin lingering in the doorway. “Hey.”

“Hey!” Arin grinned. “Heard you agreed to the move. Congrats, dude!”

So it was out, then. He anticipated a long string of well wishers.“Did Danny just tell you?”

“Nah, we talked about it, like, weeks ago.” Arin waved it off. “Between you and me, I’m pretty sure I gave him the idea, heh. Don’t tell him I said that – he’ll kick my ass.”

Something uneasy stirred in Brian’s chest. Vulnerability. Suspicion. He couldn’t let that manifest. He focused on quipping, taking a second longer than usual to find something to spit out. “Don’t lie to me about that, Arin – we both know you wouldn’t recognize a good idea if it spanked you.”

Arin laughed, shaking his head. “No, seriously! It was...kind of cute, actually? Like, in a gross way. He ended up in my office all sweaty and doting and shit one day? Probably after you two snuck off during lunch – yes, I know about that, we all know about that, don’t look at me like that. Anyway, he was nervous or whatever about how happy he was with you, and how he wanted to show it...”

As Arin went on, Brian stopped taking it in. He stared at his face, feeling the foreboding spread little by little.

This was exactly what he should’ve expected, and he felt like a fool for not recognizing it earlier. Of course it hadn’t been Danny’s idea to ask Brian to move in. It hadn’t been Danny’s idea to have feelings for him either – it had taken Brian’s entire breakdown to put the idea in his head in the first place, even after years of friendship – so why would it be his idea to make their relationship a little more permanent? Brian could foresee a future moment – Suzy flashing her wedding ring or something and telling some new acquaintance all about Arin had proposed to her, and Danny overhearing the story and immediately going out and looking for wedding bands.

It made sense. Danny was impressionable. Gullible. Easy to trick and tease. Why would this have been any different?

“...and I figure it’s just about time anyway. If you guys had been living together right when you got back from England, I bet he would’ve been proposing to you in a week, like, let’s be real – you two are perfect for each other, and I can’t believe he was so blind for so damn long-”

“Well, if you gave him the idea, then it’s only fair that you help me move in,” Brian interrupted. There was something hollow inside of him. His words felt wooden. He swallowed and pressed on, clinging to the joke. “I think you should go ahead and mark your calendar for a few weeks away – the last Saturday of the month, maybe? I’ll put my feet up and drink a beer or two while you carry all my boxes inside. What do you say?”

The joke should’ve been easy to move the conversation along. Wit was Brian’s most efficient weapon, and he wielded it with ease. But something about Arin’s expression didn’t sit well with him. He looked like a scientist peering through a microscope. Like he was going to start taking notes.

Coldness spread through Brian’s gut.

“If you think I’m gonna be free labor without you even buying me a fucking pizza, you’ve got another thing coming,” Arin finally quipped, his lips quirking. “But, uh, nice try, buddy.” Arin patted him on the head, and Brian made a show of trying to bite his hand, making him laugh. “Do you wanna get some lunch today, by the way? It’s been a while since just you and I did anything together, hasn’t it?”

Maybe because you do everything with Danny instead of trying to do anything with me.

The thought made him so unsettled that Brian immediately spoke. “Nah, I’ve already got plans, but some other time, okay?”

Arin nodded, eyes still firm on Brian’s own, and smiled. “Sure, dude. Hey, lemme know if you need anything today.”

“As always, boss.”

Arin left the office, and Brian turned slowly to face his computer without quite seeing it. Had his earlier thought been jealousy? He didn’t think so. He had a long history of being jealous of whoever Danny spent his time with in the past, but those fleeting emotional memories hadn’t been ones he’d revisited once their romantic relationship began. Arin had Suzy, Brian had Danny, and he’s wasn’t about to be an asshole who made his lover stop seeing his best friend just because he wanted more time with him.

No, it hadn’t been jealousy about Danny’s time with him. But the feeling had been remarkably similar.

It was true. Arin and Brian rarely did things alone together, and if they spent time with each other it was typically because Danny was there instead, from tours to recording sessions to panel appearances at a con.

So was it jealousy because Arin never tried to initiate a one on one friendship with Brian before today? Possibly. But he couldn’t exactly blame him. With how effervescent Danny was, it was any wonder people took notice of Brian at all. So many nights spent on stage without people responding to him unless Danny deliberately focused attention in his direction. So many tweets directed toward Danny specifically. So many streams where Brian had taken control of the situation only by forcefully inserting himself into the limelight, not by request or demand.

Dear Danny and other members of NSP.

Danny was the golden guy. Brian had known it all along. If even once he had a friend who he introduced to Danny for the first time, it was inevitable that they came to prefer his company over Brian’s. After the lifetime of depression Danny had, Brian couldn’t exactly fault him for it, but…

It would’ve been nice for Arin to ask him to lunch out of his own interest in being better friends with him – and not because he looked at Brian like he was a puzzle to solve.

Emails. Brian took a deep breath, cleansing the tension in his chest, and focused on his screen again. It took a bit to find his stride, but he hit it, and he refused to let his attention divert – even when Danny slid into the chair beside him and squeezed his hand.

 ~~

 “You sure you can’t just move in tonight?”

Brian heard the teasing words, but he didn’t attend to them as well as he wanted to. His head felt slightly swimmy, and he doubted it had anything to do with the single draft beer he’d had, nor with Danny’s presence. No, the stress of work, he reasoned, was what had gotten to him, paired with knowing exactly how much he had left to pack. “I don’t even have the living room packed up yet,” he murmured, taking another sip of the beer.

Danny snorted. “Just get rid of it. We can buy new shit. Y’know...make it our place, not just mine.”

More gentle lurching in his belly. More sips of his drink. Maybe he was getting ill.

“Unless, like…I mean, if you want, I can just wait until you’re all moved in first, or...I can go ahead and buy everything?” Danny let out a light chuckle. “Waking you up all hours of the night with questions about furniture or whatever’s gotta be annoying.”

Brian shook his head, but didn’t reply verbally. His gaze drifted to the nearest TV, where a game played by a team he didn’t give a shit about. His legs itched. Maybe if he moved around a little, he’d actually be able to focus.

It was rare nowadays that Danny and Brian even had a chance to come out to a restaurant on a weekend night. Brian’s schedule was far more open than Danny’s, but he spent it all packing, and Danny was always working on videos, songs, interviews, seeing old friends, thinking about the future…

Brian blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. When was the last time he’d even slept the whole night through?

“...good game?”

“Hmm?” Brian blinked and looked at Danny for the first time in twenty minutes. “I have no idea. It’s on, that’s all I know.”

Danny wrinkled his brow as he slurped up the remnants of his soda through his straw. “Then, uh...why’re you paying more attention to it instead of me?”

A very good question. Danny was his boyfriend. He was the entire reason Brian had gotten in his car and drove here for a proper date, not just the two of them sitting on his couch and eating takeout food again. But something about the entire situation had him on edge. Sleep? Work stress? He considered them both logical possibilities, making tick marks on the whiteboard he often saw before his mind’s eye. Correlation did not equal causation, and…

“I canceled plans to be here.”

Something in Danny’s tone finally resonated in Brian’s gut like a bell. His lover was a patient guy. He didn’t often sound so...so snippy unless something was genuinely wrong. But there it was – that edge, the sharpness that Ross sometimes took on if no one in the office was paying attention to something he was working on. From Ross, it felt bratty. From Danny, it felt hollow and depressed.

Brian’s heart skipped a beat.

“If you needed to get something else done, we could’ve rescheduled,” Danny murmured. As Brian met his eyes, he saw the ache right on the surface – not hidden even slightly. How was Danny able to be so open and vulnerable like this? Was it because he was so generally loved by everyone around him that he hadn’t had to fight for attention in years? Brian couldn’t even imagine being that free.

How many doors were still tightly locked in Brian’s mind with shadows trying to poke beneath them?

As a chill resonated through Brian’s veins, he reached across the table and covered Danny’s hand. When Danny didn’t pull away – didn’t even look away – Brian leaned on old habits. “I’m out of it. Lots of work. Lots of packing. It’s shit. But you know that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be here.” He tilted his head to the side. “I can’t think straight around you. When I’m this tired, my head just...goes places. Thinks about things that...maybe I shouldn’t be considering in polite company.”

Danny’s gaze flicked down to the table, and he shifted, turning his hand over so his fingers tickled over Brian’s inner wrist. “I mean...”

“What’s that?” Brian leaned closer, trying to catch his eye. “Does someone want to hear exactly what those inappropriate thoughts are?”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip, and, against his better judgment, it seemed, a smile peeked at the corners of his mouth. “Like you can ever keep your mouth shut anyway,” he finally said with a giggle. “You like to hear yourself talk so much.”

“And you like to listen.” Adopting the more sinewy tone was easier than it should’ve been, given how he continued to stomp on the quiet spark of panic at the base of his stomach. “But, if you don’t want to hear me...maybe I should just show you instead.”

Danny pulled his wallet out, flipping through it clumsily and pulling out a few bills to set on top of the check they’d been neglecting. “Fifteen minutes of anticipation-”

“Who said anything about waiting until we get home?”

Eyes snapping to Brian’s, Danny watched him, an ember of heat in his gaze. It was one that Brian knew wouldn’t take much at all to coax into life, and he jumped on the opportunity, standing up and taking Danny’s hand and pulling him out of the booth.

They’d never been so obviously clandestine before – not even at work. While the office felt like an extension of home in many ways, all thanks to the careful decorating that invoked inspiration without the stress of a standard office building, the fact that Brian led the way to the bathroom with promise in his hurried pace meant something far more exciting. And Danny would go along with it, of course. He always did.

He was weak for Brian. It seemed that over thirty years of repressing a supposed side of him meant that he couldn’t resist a damn thing that Brian offered him. It was kind of him to be patient with Danny in the past, he thought, when giving him as little as a snog in the hallways probably would’ve made his pants fall off without any additional help, but he didn’t have to wait anymore, did he?

Why not use this? Why not let his lover feel good anytime, anywhere?

Why not embrace the distraction?

The bathroom was a single stall, and Brian pushed Danny through the door and locked it behind him. His lover’s breath was already catching, and as Brian pressed flush against him, palming his jeans told him he was already hard.

“Eager,” Brian murmured with a smirk.

“I-I missed you, okay?” Danny leaned forward for a kiss, and Brian hesitated for only a moment before he returned it.

It wasn’t the first time Brian gave a blowjob while on his knees in a filthy bathroom, but it was the first time he actually enjoyed it.

At least...he was pretty sure that he did.

 ~~

 Normally Brian was fantastic at keeping track of time and dates, but something about Danny’s visit back home to see his family slipped by him completely. One night he was texting Danny and asking if their weekly Netflix date was still on for Friday, and the next second he was being reminded that Danny’s flight left that morning, actually – that they’d rescheduled to eat out two days before on purpose.

It wasn’t often that Danny got out of town to see his folks – and the fact that his sister would be there at the same time was a huge boon. For the first time outside of major holidays, they’d all be together – and for a whole week, too, to help celebrate their parents’ milestone anniversary together.

It worked out, really. It gave Brian time to focus on packing.

He imagined he might’ve gotten more done so far if he hadn’t been so busy at work. With his nose to the grindstone there, it was increasingly more difficult to focus on getting boxes packed and sealed ahead of time – and now the move was only two weeks away. The deposit had been put down on the moving company. Empty boxes filled his living room. Everything was set up to make it as speedy and efficient as possible.

He just...couldn’t focus.

That entire week, he did nothing but go to work, then come straight home to focus on packing. It should’ve made it easy. Danny was so enjoying his time with his family that he wasn’t reaching out to Brian very often. There were no distractions. Yet even still, Wednesday came with only one new box packed the night before, and the crunch was starting to tighten around him.

“Hey, Brian?” Ross stepped in his path as he headed toward the door at the end of the day. “What’s up?”

Brian blinked. He’d barely spoken to anyone in the office for days now. It took a few extra seconds for the clouds to clear away. “Nothing. Just on my way home. You?”

Ross grinned. “Yeah, same! Hey, so, I know you’ve probably been lonely as hell with Danny being gone-”

“The time away’s been refreshing, actually,” he drawled. “I’ve gotten a lot done.”

Ross snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, anyway, uh, figured I’d see if you wanted to come hang out tonight. Some other friends’ll be there, and we’ve got some new tabletop games, and-”

“I have to pack, Ross,” he snapped. Any other time he would’ve thought of how this invitation was obviously preceded by something very important that Brian hadn’t figured out yet, and he would’ve apologized. Today, however, Ross was simply an obstacle in his way. “Maybe another time. Have a good night.” And he pushed past him, and the door shut behind him, and Ross let him go, and that was all there was to it.

Getting home, however, afforded him no pleasure. His phone was silent and in his bedroom. He put book after book into a box, like an assembly line, and he thought of Danny, and how he’d be home soon with stories of his sister and his mom and his dad, and just how lovely it must be to still have a fucking family to go home to at all.

He tried not to think of the deaths of his parents anymore, if he could help it, but tonight all he could see were their faces. Had they been proud of him? If they could see where he was now, would they be prouder still, or would they be humiliated by what prestige he’d given up just to come here and sing songs about dicks? And what would they think about his relationship with Danny specifically? Things hadn’t been awkward when he came out to them in the first place, but how would they take his boyfriend? Would they think they were a good fit, or would they advise Brian to think about looking for love elsewhere?

He couldn’t even imagine sitting with either of his parents and telling them about his depth of feeling for Danny – how he burned for him to the deepest part of his core. They’d never really been that type of family in the first place. How could he pretend that they would’ve had excellent advice to give him, or even the patience to listen?

Danny’s family adored him. They were probably listening to anecdotes about his work and his friends and…

Brian? Had he even ever told them about him? Had he ever came out? Did they love him even still?

They had to. No doubt they loved him and built him up, and…and worshiped him. Admired him for everything he’d done when life felt so impossible. They respected their Danny, who’d thrown his medication into water, who’d not gone back to it, who’d learned to stand on his own two feet. Their incredibly whole Danny. Brave. Strong. Full of everything that the world seemed to lack.

He was whole. That was it, really. He wasn’t broken inside, like some people were, and he didn’t even realize that, did he?

As his thoughts turned and spun, losing coherency, he realized he was staring into the box with a book in each hand, unmoving – almost unbreathing. How long had he been kneeling there? When had he stopped paying attention? Brian set the books down with more care than he’d ever used in his life, then leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. He tried to apply logic to why he couldn’t breathe deeply. There had to be a reason for it. There always was. It was easy, if he’d only try…

Somehow he ended up on his back on the couch with all the lights on, still in his clothes, teeth unbrushed, brain unfocused. He fell asleep there with his hands folded over his stomach and his too-small lungs.

Dreams were a window into the soul, and he knew it well. He dreamed of his beautiful, perfect Danny, being carried away by millions of adoring people, and when he tried to follow them, he tripped into a hole, where he yelled and begged for help and was never once even thought of.

And then he woke up and forgot about it before his eyes were even open – was only left with the lingering sense of unease that robbed him of safety even here, in his own home.

 ~~

 Even with Danny’s return to work, Brian was unsettled. He couldn’t find the words to ask him about his time away – how he’d enjoyed it, how his parents were, if his sister was well – and Danny didn’t volunteer the information to him either. He had too much to catch up on at work. Day in and day out he was recording videos with Arin, barely even pausing for lunch, and the quick hand squeezes and cheek kisses that Brian used to prize felt like nothing more than excuses now. Apologies, perhaps, for how he was in no real hurry to get back to him.

The move was almost here, and nothing was done – but Danny hadn’t even asked about it. And perhaps that was for the better.

Three days until the move, Brian ended up in the kitchen at work, his hands trembling as he reached for the pot of coffee. Did he need more? He wasn’t sure. His eyelids were heavy, though, and his control was fraying, to the point where his emails were piling up and he ignored conversations and let the list of his responsibilities go unfulfilled.

Coffee. Coffee was the answer.

The pot was full, almost overflowing onto his hand, and he hyperfocused every ounce of his attention on it, feeling blindly for the mug overhead while keeping an eye on the level of steaming coffee. A slip – just the barest movement of his fingers – had the mug falling, where it shattered on the counter, spraying shards of ceramic across his chest as he exclaimed and slammed the pot down.

“Fuck!” Brian concaved forward, shoulders rising, chest collapsing beneath the weight of his shout. That word – just one word – encapsulated everything he was losing and that he feared, and he felt the break on the edge of his tone just before his teeth clicked shut painfully.

Breathe. He stared at the massive pieces of the bland white mug surrounding him, his hands splayed on the countertop. Don’t stop breathing. Don’t let go. Don’t do anything. The shards blurred before his eyes as his breathing came faster and faster, over and over and over, until his heart burned. Fragile ribs splintered under the pounding weight of it.

And then he felt the eyes.

“You okay?”

Arin. Brian squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lips, and stood up tall so quickly he nearly lost balance. “Fine.” With one quick movement he jerked his chin upward and applied the veneer, then turned to look at his boss.

The naked concern on his expression nearly brought him to his knees.

He thought to that earlier lunch invitation weeks beforehand. The curious look in his gaze. Brian had interpreted it as Arin simply seeing him as a puzzle – like a toy that he wanted to tinker with until he was satisfied – but no, there was something far more frightening therein.

He knew. He knew exactly what Brian was struggling with. How could he read him so easy? Was it that obvious? Did everyone know what a fucking waste of air Brian was? That he was a shitstain smeared across the ground?

“Brian.” Arin wrinkled his brow. “Sit down, dude, you’re shaking.”

“I’m fine. I haven’t slept.” The lies came easier than truth, spilling over his lips, and he had a vivid flashback – Arin’s words against his ear through the phone six months before, the quiet Nothing is fucked, and how it had lulled him to think that everything could be okay with Danny, not risking falling apart like it was now. “Once I actually get some decent fucking rest and get this move over with, I’ll...yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Brian was so used to any word he said being enough to convince Danny. Why would Brian lie to him if it wasn’t for humor, after all? There was no motivation for it. Arin, however, didn’t look convinced. Nothing about his expression changed. Only the inescapable worry pressing down on him.

“I think we should go sit down together,” Arin said far slower, like he was still thinking through his plan of attack, and the itching in Brian’s legs only grew. “If you’re, uh, tired or whatever, we can get you settled on the couch, catch a few z’s, and then we can talk afterward, maybe?”

In seconds, Arin would no doubt get his footing as Brian’s boss again. He was good at what he did – fucking great, even – but the normally unflappable Brian was keeping him from transitioning straight into expressing his concern and asking him if everything was all right at home and if maybe he was having some kind of second thoughts about this move, if he didn’t deserve it or happiness with Danny or-

No, he couldn’t be allowed to figure that out. If he went down that rabbit hole, Brian was damn sure they’d never get out.

“I’m fine,” Brian snapped. He was moving before he even realized it. He pushed past Arin. Arin hit the doorframe, and Brian moved down the hallway. “I’m just, I’m going to run an errand, and I’ll be right back.”

The next thing he was aware of was sitting in his car, hands on the wheel, staring outside. How tempting it would be to drive home. He remembered doing that last time. Remembered emptying his stomach into the toilet until he felt as empty as he was as a human being – the vacant shell, the remnants left behind of who Brian was before he realized how utterly unexceptional he was and withered and died. He could do it now. He could go home and shut himself up, and maybe everyone would forget until tomorrow.

Or maybe he’d keep sitting here for an hour and wouldn’t even realize it.

He had nowhere to go. No errands to do. He drove around the block four times on pure autopilot before he pulled back into the parking lot and came inside.

He would just...find Arin and smooth things over, like they’d never happened. He’d give him a smile and a joke and some fingerguns, and then they’d move on, right? Easy. He stepped inside the thunderous air conditioner of their specific chain of offices and headed down the hallway, looking for him. Not in his office. Not in the kitchen. Not even Danny was at their desks.

That was when the cool panic began to set in.

As a rule, private conversations were rarely held in the recording area due to the backup microphones being constantly on at all times so that they’d never risk losing footage in the event of an emergency shutdown. It was considered a violation of privacy. Sensitive situations needed to be respected, lest they open up an entire can of worms.

Yet when Brian finally went to the last place he looked – the studio itself – what he saw brought him to a stop. Arin and Danny, sitting together, Danny’s back to the glass, Arin’s brow furrowed as he talked. He had no way of hearing what they were saying, but what else could they be talking about? Who else was having a fucking breakdown in the middle of the office just because a mug had broken? Brian lingered at the furthest door. There had to be a new plan of attack. How likely was it that he could get Danny to completely ignore everything coming out of Arin’s mouth? He imagined himself bursting in and flinging himself between them in slow motion, shouting, begging for Danny not to listen.

The fantasy hadn’t even finished when Arin locked eyes with him and shut his mouth – and then Danny turned his head.

He was wearing that goddamn concern now too.

Brian left. He ran. And this time he went home.

 ~~

 It wasn’t like he’d left incredibly early. In no time at all, everyone else would be heading home, Brian reasoned to himself, and thus he hadn’t exactly given them huge reason to worry. Danny wouldn’t come running over – at least, he wasn’t likely to, especially with how busy he was – and Brian could head everything off at the pass.

He just...needed to look like he was busy, in case there was a trap. If Danny walked in with his key - why the fuck did I even give him that? - he’d see that the apartment was a disaster. The signs of Brian’s half focused packing were scattered from wall to wall – objects that he’d begun wrapping in newspaper before leaving them on the floor, a trail of books from the shelf to a box that was half empty, abandoned dishes on the kitchen counter that he’d never quite gotten to washing. A man lived in a fugue state here. And he had to hide the signs. He couldn’t let them worry. Couldn’t let them know.

Packing was easy, he reasoned. No one sane struggled with something this simple, especially when they were over forty years old and had a doctorate in an extremely prestigious field.

But there was too much. Every time that Brian touched something – intent on packing it to lessen the damage – something else caught his eye, and he would put it down and wander over, then freeze again, head turning to the next object. By the time he heard his phone ringing, he hadn’t done a damn thing.

He picked up his phone, then dropped it on the couch when he saw Danny’s name. Feeling like a child, Brian chewed on a hangnail and stared at the screen, listening to the quiet vibrating until, finally, it went silent. He looked away. What kind of man did this? Who ignored their lover like they were nothing? How was he going to explain this?

Why did he feel so completely out of control of his own life?

His phone buzzed with a voicemail, and he forced himself to take a deep breath and listen to it.

”Hey! Um, this is Danny! I guess you already knew that, uh...listen, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I realized we hadn’t really...seen each other for the past couple of weeks, outside of work, and, like, with the move coming up, I kind of left you hanging instead of asking if I could help, and that was shitty of me, and...and I’m sorry. Um, can you give me a call and just let me know how you’re doing? I’d really like to hear from you. Love you!”

The message was dangerous. As Brian dropped the phone slowly back to his hip, he stared at the wall and felt the ever pressing weight of Danny’s worry on his shoulders. So this was it. This was how everyone found out that Brian – the man who held everything together like he was made of steel – was falling apart. Going insane. Collapsing from the inside out. This was how the world found out that he wasn’t worth his salt.

This was how Danny slowly discovered that Brian was weak and so not worth everything he’d given him.

We can still fix this.

The spark of panic flared into a smoldering wildfire, ripping through Brian as he grabbed his phone, his keys, and his wallet and headed straight for the door.

Brian was a master of deception and lies. For years he’d made a brand out of insulting humor. The amount of times that he’d spewed falsehoods just to make Danny think he wasn’t attracted to him was in the hundreds. And he could still lean on that here too. That was all it would take: just one little lie, and he could get his life back on target again.

He was fine. He was. He’d held it together for decades, and he wasn’t about to let go now.

The drive to Danny’s was done in the same fog he’d been struggling with for weeks, with the sharp-teethed voices in the back of his mind muttering viciousness that he could barely even translate. It was better this way, they said – better for Brian not to be known by a single person. If they found out what a fraud he was, they’d be happy to take the excuse to leave him. If they realized how he was only a mockery of a comedian, they’d turn their backs. If they knew he couldn’t do a damn thing without second guessing every step of the way, they’d finally realize how foolish he was.

It was better to hide it all. And Danny was just gullible enough to take it. After all, everyone wanted to take the easy way out. If Brian offered him the opportunity to pull the wool a little more over his eyes, he’d thank him for it – anything so he didn’t have to do the hard work of...of comforting, or…

Unbidden, images of Suzy holding Arin’s hand and talking to him quietly in the office during times of tight deadlines or sharp criticism or a dropped sponsorship deal raced through his mind. How Arin leaned into her. How she accepted the weight of him and pulled him in close and held him together when he was feeling weak. What did that feel like, to be so vulnerable with another human being? To know that they could be relied on to carry the burdens of their loved ones when they became just a little too heavy?

He couldn’t remember ever giving someone that opportunity. Not even once.

Fuck, his throat hurt. It tightened with a knot, and he swallowed it back down.

He pulled sideways into Danny’s driveway and climbed out of his car, making a beeline for the front door with his keys clacking in his shaking hand. He knocked on the door, and the second it opened, he pushed inside.

“Hey!” Danny grabbed him by the shoulder. “God, I’m fucking glad to see you. What’s up? Why didn’t you just call me back?”

The gleaming adoration in Danny’s eyes were almost enough to bring everything tumbling down. Every piece of the mismatched stones that Brian had shoved together into the tower that held him high above others...just one word of love from Danny would blow them over and leave nothing but the cracked foundation that he was so desperate to hide.

He couldn’t do that. If Danny saw – if he knew everything he’d been hiding…

Brian made one last ditch effort toward deception. It was easy. All he had to do was lean on Danny’s weakest point – even if it made him feel sick to do.

“Sometimes a guy just has to see his boyfriend.” Brian cupped Danny’s cheeks, scratchy with stubble, and came up onto his tiptoes, holding his gaze. “You missed me, didn’t you? You said it yourself. So here I am.”

Danny wrinkled his brow. “Brian...”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He thumbed over Danny’s bottom lip. “Just a guy who’s sick and tired of waiting to see his lover. You feel that way too, right?”

“I-I mean, yeah, but-”

“Then c’mon.” He pressed their chests together and let his warm breath tickle over his mouth. “Show me how much you missed me. Make love to me like you mean it.”

Hesitation. For once, Danny didn’t reach out and touch Brian. He didn’t drag him in. And that just meant Brian would have to do a little more of the work himself.

He kissed him with a hum, tilting his head to deepen it immediately, and closed his eyes, trying to focus on the heat of Danny’s body against his. He’d wanted him for years. He’d jerked off to him every damn time he was drunk and home alone. The amount of times that he’d whispered Danny’s name into a pillow while some anonymous guy fucked him from behind was innumerable.

So why couldn’t he just turn his fucking brain off and enjoy this?

He forced himself to slide a hand through Danny’s hair, just barely avoiding tangling in the messy curls, and he felt the other man’s breath hitch as he touched him. Yeah, c’mon, just like that, give in to me. As Danny melted slowly, he slid his arms around Brian’s waist, one hand fisting in his shirt.

Just like he was supposed to. Almost on cue. Thank God, thank God.

He just had to get Danny to fuck him. If he could goad him on until he was bruising Brian’s hips in those beautiful hands of his, then even better. He just needed him to let go. He needed him to see that Brian was fine, and that he didn’t need to worry, and that everything was going to be okay, and nothing was going to fall apart.

He needed Danny to fucking swallow him whole. Trap him in his ribs. Let him snuggle up right next to his heart, where it was warm and safe.

Danny tried to pull away from the kiss, but Brian pursued him, and he felt the moan against his lips as he gave into him again. The bedroom wasn’t too far away, but Brian didn’t know if he trusted himself to get Danny that far without questions coming up.

It had been quite a while since he’d been fucked on the floor, feeling the carpet fibers scrape his body to hell and back. Did Danny still have lube in here? He’d jokingly told him that he had a bottle of lube in every room in the house, just in case – that it was always good for a gag, at least, even if it never got used. Condoms? Whatever. They were fluid bonded now.

He didn’t fucking want anybody else, just...just Danny, just this, just the promise that it would never end.

Promises fell apart as fast as cheap toys. So did wedding rings. So did mortgages and two names on the insurance and everything whispered between the sheets-

God, his mind was fucking everywhere. He zeroed in on Danny again, coaxing him down to the ground, until he could scramble into his lap and grind against the hardness he felt in his jeans. Brian winced – he himself wasn’t hard, and the sensitivity of his flaccid cock being pressed against something so unforgiving was painful in a horrible way rather than a pleasurable one, but…

Fuck, why wasn’t he fucking hard?!

He eased a hand between their hips to hide it, bucking the heel of his palm against Danny’s cock and swallowing up the sweet moans he fed him in response. Tongues tangled, slick and hot.

It was when Danny reached to lace their other hands together that Brian’s heart skittered in his chest.

What was he doing? Why did he think this was the right way to go?

Just...get over it, Jesus, just let him fuck you, c’mon, he’s ready, he’s into it, and he’ll forget all about whatever the hell is going on in your head if you can just man up and do this shit.

Brian let go of his hand and reached between them to open up Danny’s jeans. He pushed him to the floor with his chest and held him there, panting against his mouth for just a second before he resumed the sloppy, unfocused kisses – ones that Danny kept trying to take control of, and that Brian would ignore. He yanked his lover’s jeans and boxers down and took him in hand, jerking him to full hardness with no real rhythm. His palm felt too dry against the smooth skin of Danny’s cock and he bit back the urge to apologize.

Just a little more. Maybe he could even try to take him dry. It’d hurt like hell, they’d be risking pain and bleeding and...but maybe it’d be better than stopping to look for the lube, and-

Danny’s hand suddenly touched between Brian’s legs, flush against his soft dick. And he froze.

They both did. Brian kept his lips lightly pressed against Danny’s, brain frantically looking for an excuse. A solution.

Danny turned his head and let out a shaky breath and, goddamn it all, but he spoke before Brian could think to kiss him again. “You’re not...you’re not hard.”

Fuck. Fuck. Any other day it would’ve taken no time at all for Brian to quip something out and get the show on the road again, but here? Now? A cold sweat beaded over his neck and forehead, and he dropped his hands to the carpet, holding there, staring at Danny’s chest.

“Are you not enjoying this?”

I love it, Brian wanted to say. But he couldn’t loosen his jaw. His teeth ground together painfully, making his vision blur.

“You don’t need to do this,” Danny said quietly, his soft voice tickling over Brian’s skin. A drop of sweat ghosted down his own cheek, as if chasing the words. “I’d rather just talk to you. See what’s going on. You don’t have to keep...hiding it.”

Something began building in Brian’s stomach as he sat up slowly. It traveled gradually up his chest. His throat.

“It’s...it’s been hard, isn’t it?” Danny whispered. “You didn’t want me to know it was hard. That...that something was going on. Because if I did...”

Brian shook his head. Where were the words to tell him to shut up? Why was he trembling?

“...if I knew something was wrong, I’d ask, and you wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore.”

Oh God, oh God, oh God…

Danny touched his cheek – his sweat-slick, overheated, ugly, disgusting cheek. “Brian, please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t watch you like this. I love you too much to let you hurt like this alone.”

Brian was off him like a flash.

“Brian!”

He ran – but he ran straight down the hall, stumbling into the bathroom and flinging himself on his knees in front of the toilet. It was too similar, spilling the contents of his stomach because of Danny - almost like the past few months hadn’t even happened.

The difference was that he wasn’t alone. Arms wrapped around his ribs, a warm and insistent presence, and Brian squeezed his eyes shut.

Humiliation wouldn’t even come to him, and neither would shame. After all this time of holding back, hot tears streamed down his cheeks as he struggled to take a full breath. “I-I can’t anymore,” Brian stammered. His fingers dug into the porcelain, trembling, trying to find purchase in anything around him. “It’s too much, i-it’s just too...”

“I’ve got you.” Danny’s voice, though tight with emotion, was soft in his ears, like silk dragged over sensitive skin. “It’s okay, Bri, I’m here, I’ve got you, you’re not alone anymore.”

He leaned back into the weight of Danny, nothing left to vomit, and shook in his arms, head tilting back so that the light from the hallway bled past his eyelids. The sounds he made – choked sobs – didn’t sound human, and he scarcely believed they came from him. All he knew and felt was the pain in his body, everything he’d been holding back for months – years – coming out in his tears. The fear, the agony, the knowledge that no one could put up with the amount of shit that Brian carried in his heart.

But Danny was right there. Right there. He wasn’t leaving. He was rocking Brian back and forth and whispering sweet comforting words. “You’re never gonna be alone again,” he said at one point in a voice that barely sounded like his own, and Brian had just enough presence of mind to realize that Danny was crying too.

Brian hadn’t let anyone see his tears in years. He hadn’t let anyone cry for him in even longer. But here, in this tiny safe room, with nothing but love surrounding him, even as horrible as it felt to let go, he couldn’t do anything else.

Not when Danny was giving him permission – and the acceptance to spill over the riverbanks.

Brian twisted in his arms and buried his face in Danny’s neck, soaking him in tears as he clung to him like a child. Yet Danny held on. He was firm. He wouldn’t be toppled over like a Lego tower. Everything that Brian feared – that he was too much for someone, that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that it was only a matter of time before he was left alone – stayed at bay. None of it came true.

There was time yet for his thoughts to be proven right. But he was damn glad it wasn’t tonight.

After long minutes of weeping, strength left Brian, until he was dry of tears and aching. He wasn’t a young man anymore. He couldn’t just throw himself around and have tantrums like this without a bone deep burning in all parts of his body – his bruised knees, his pained lungs, his red eyes. But even as he whispered two words - “I’m sorry” - Danny didn’t let go.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Danny murmured, running a hand through the short cropped hair on top of Brian’s head and leaving tingling in his wake. “C’mon. Easy does it.”

Never had Brian seen this side of Danny before – this calm, gentle, coaxing part of him that drew Brian up to his feet. He could almost imagine him taking a crying child into his arms and carrying him away to rock him until he could breathe again. He’d never said a word about wanting children, but the image was fixed in Brian’s mind now so vividly that he let the fascination distract him from just how hard it was to stand.

He leaned into Danny heavily with a sigh that nearly started his tears again – how was he so tired? The steps out of the bathroom, into the hallway, and down to the bedroom should’ve taken seconds, but they felt like hours, each careful placement of his foot taking intense deliberation lest he bring them both down to the ground.

He’d pulled all nighters while working on his PHD. He and Danny both had stayed up for days on end when they were at a crunch point with their albums. But he’d never felt this exhausted before.

It’s all caught up to me, he thought with a certain calm. It’s here. There’s no getting out of it, is there?

It was a bit clumsy, but once he sat Brian on the edge of his bed, Danny tugged the shirt over Brian’s head, along with his shoes and jeans. He hesitated and looked at his dresser – considering pajamas, maybe – before he shook his head and gently eased Brian down. His head landed on a pillow as soft as a cloud.

Faint panic sparked in his gut, and he grabbed hold of Danny’s hands, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“I’m here.” Danny smiled at him. He kicked off his pants and crawled into bed in his shirt and boxers, then curled up beside him. “It’s okay, Bri. Everything’s gonna be okay now. Got it?”

Brian opened his mouth, but his voice, so raw from crying, was impossible to find, and he settled for nodding as he nuzzled into the soft, well worn cotton of his lover’s t-shirt. A deep breath filled his mind with nothing but Danny – his smile, his laugh, his love.

Under the hand petting up and down his back and the quiet, faint humming of what Brian recognized as a lullaby, he fell asleep within seconds, plunging into a dreamless state of weariness.

 ~~

 He’s out. Danny let out a deep breath and closed his eyes as he felt Brian relax. He’s out, okay, it’s...it’s okay.

How he’d managed to hold up such a calm facade, he had no idea. He wasn’t built for this. Going from burning alive for Brian’s touch to crying into the back of his neck within sixty seconds nearly gave him whiplash. Hell, the fact that he’d even gotten him calm in the first place when he was falling apart at the seams...

How had he missed all the fucking signs along the way?

Danny rubbed his eyes as he rolled onto his back, tugging Brian closer as he went. Brian twitched in his sleep, but stayed under, and Danny exhaled slowly.

It didn’t make sense for Brian to fall apart. That was part of it. Brian was an incredible wall of intellect and cleverness. He didn’t give into these silly emotions like everybody else around him. He was unflappable to the very end. Right?

Apparently not.

God, how he’d shaken while Danny held him. He’d sounded like a fucking wild animal as he let out all the shit he’d been dealing with, wail after wail after wail. Danny was used to a more primal Brian in one instance only, and what happened in the bathroom had nothing to do with that. How eagerly he’d tried to seduce Danny – and how quickly he’d succeeded…

Had he done that before?

Danny’s mind flitted to the last time Brian had been so eagerly spontaneous – the bathroom at the restaurant – and covered his eyes as the weight of what must have been going on in Brian’s head sank down on him. He’d been trying to escape. Or distract him. Or both. And Danny had played right into his hands.

What a fucking shitty boyfriend he was, letting himself get caught up in being busy and working his ass off instead of paying attention to how Brian was falling apart. When was the last time he’d offered to help him pack for the move? Or that he’d even stopped by just to see him? Was this all about the move and nothing else?

No, the man who’d fallen to pieces and cried like that, it had to be about something different than planning for a new future. Right? Or was he wrong?

He couldn’t do this by himself. There was a reason that Danny’s preferred method of helping people going through things leaned on distraction rather than intimate conversation. He hadn’t even asked Brian what he needed, or said anything to help. All he could do was hold him and cry with him.

The depth of despair that Brian had felt… Even now, it could suffocate Danny as he considered it. He’d never been as empathetic with someone like he was with Brian. Was this what love was, truly and deeply, or was there a connection there that he could only ever have with this man?

So many questions. So much pain. So much that Danny couldn’t just fix. He hadn’t been in a long term relationship in years. How was he supposed to know how to handle it without fucking things up and making Brian feel worse?

Arin. He thought of the words he’d shared earlier that day – how he pointed out none so delicately that Brian was fraying at the seams, and had been for quite some time. How he’d shaken Danny out of his cluelessness and had told him with complete seriousness that if he loved Brian, he’d call him on his bullshit and get him to stop hiding whatever was going on. He’d anticipated having to do a little more work to get him to come out about it. He’d thought there would be deflection and laughter. The afterglow, he’d reasoned as Brian plied him with kisses, would be the perfect time to get him to start opening up about it, both of them floating in the honest intimacy that they ended up in every time.

Arin had been doing this for a lot longer than Brian and Danny had. He and Suzy had one of the healthiest relationships he’d ever seen. So maybe he could help.

Danny gently extricated himself from Brian’s arms, and when he heard the other man mumble something in his sleep he leaned to kiss his forehead, his heart swelling in his chest. He needed all the help he could get.

He wasn’t going to risk losing Brian over something as simple as this. As surprised as he’d been by the events of the day, he still knew him. He knew that Brian wouldn’t hesitate to run, if he thought it was better for Danny. Hadn’t he done that already? He’d gone to a whole fucking other country just to get some distance between them, even when he knew that Danny was falling apart over it – all to hide how he felt.

No more of that. Danny stroked Brian’s cheek, his forehead creasing with fervor. It’s you and me, man. You’re not gonna call the shots for me anymore. We’re figuring this life shit out together.

As he left him sleeping in his bed, Danny closed the door quietly behind him, then went to the living room and pulled out his phone. He shot Arin a text. “Can you maybe come talk to me about Brian? He’s here at my house. Sleeping. Things got bad. I think we’re fine, but I don’t know what the fuck to do when he wakes up.”

Arin’s quick “On my way now” reassured Danny to the point of sitting down and taking a deep breath. If he held all this in, would he melt down just like Brian had? He thought of the therapy he used to have – how it was the only place he could actually talk about what he was feeling without worrying what others would think of him. Suddenly he missed it, and he regretted laying his shit on Arin when he was just a friend – not even a professional paid to get his time taken up.

Was there a decent therapist nearby in town?

He didn’t have to wait long. Traffic appeared blessedly light, and a few minutes later there was a text coming through. “I’m outside. Didn’t wanna knock and wake him up.” Small favors. Danny went to the door and let Arin in, and immediately hugged him. Something he was thankful for in his relationship was that it inspired him to be more relaxed with touching his friends. That hug felt like the one thing keeping him afloat.

“Hey,” Arin murmured, squeezing him unabashedly in his arms. “He still asleep?”

“Yeah.” Danny pulled back and sighed. “I-I honestly don’t think he’s slept much for weeks now. You were right. He looks like fucking hell.”

Arin looked at the bedroom door as he moved past, rubbing the back of his neck, while Danny locked the door again behind him. “Yeah. Hell, he might sleep through the night. Might be just what he needs.”

Danny leaned into the door and curled his hand into a fist against it. “How didn’t I see it? I fucking work right next to him-”

“Hey.” Arin caught his arm and pulled him away, guiding him toward the couch. “No, don’t do that. That’s just gonna eat you up inside, dude. The past is the past. You gotta move forward. Both of you do.”

Danny nodded. They sat together, Danny perched right on the edge of the cushion, wanting to be able to spring to his feet if he heard Brian so much as start to stir. “I just...I was so fucking blind. My own boyfriend...I hate that I didn’t catch it. I don’t know how to do better in the future.”

“We can talk about that later.” Arin kicked off his shoes and curled up on the couch, watching Danny closely. “We’ve gotta talk about Brian, man. I don’t know what he’s gonna do when he wakes up. He’s been pretty damn deflective for weeks now. He could just try to pretend that nothing happened, or that we’re blowing it out of proportion, or...”

“Yeah.” He tented his hands and pressed them to his lips. The temptation to let more self hatred pour out was almost impossible to resist, but...no, he had to focus on Brian right now. All of him. “What do you think was going on? I haven’t even gotten to ask him yet.”

“You didn’t get anything?”

Danny shook his head. “He got here, he tried to, uh...distract me, and then when I tried to get him to talk he just fucking broke down. Threw up. Started crying. It was fucking bad, dude. Broke my goddamn heart.” His throat tightened up again in response, and he looked away. “Did I do this? Did me asking him to move in do it?”

“No, I don’t think that adds up. Didn’t you say he was excited when you first talked about it?”

“I think he was.” Every part of their relationship was cast in a different light now. He didn’t want to believe that Brian had been lying to him about how he was feeling this entire time – that he was happy and at ease in their relationship – but how was he supposed to tell for sure? “He’d...yeah, he looked like he was super stoked that I’d even brought it up. We talked about how I wanted him to know I was serious. He didn’t try to talk me out of it, he just...”

Arin hummed quietly in acknowledgment, and Danny felt like he could break under the gentle sympathy. “I don’t think this was your fault. If you’re thinking it is, get it out of your head right now.”

Bastard, knowing exactly what Danny was thinking. He stared at his feet instead of looking at Arin and showing him every damn thought in his head.

“Have you ever seen him break down like that today?”

Danny shook his head. “Not once. We’ve spent so much time together, and I’ve never seen him tear up. Not even when he’d get drunk and talk about his parents or anything, it was just...calm. Serene.”

Arin sighed. “That means it probably goes back fucking far as dicks.”

“You think so?” He blinked at him.

“Yeah. What’s the phrase, still waters run deep?” Arin stared back at him, chewing on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Like, let’s think about what we know. He’s a perfectionist. He’s a master of bragging humor. He builds himself up constantly-”

“-and maybe it’s the opposite of what he feels?” Danny wrinkled his brow. “That’s what you’re getting at?”

“I mean, it could be, right?”

Had he been barely holding himself together their entire friendship? Danny thought back, remembering quiet conversations years before they even met Arin, when Brian would let something self-deprecating slip out under his breath, then laugh it off when Danny would look at him – as if he hadn’t even thought he’d notice what he said.

“What the fuck do I do?” Danny asked quietly.

“Talk to him.” Arin put a hand on Danny’s arm, a quiet but strong connection that Danny clung to. “Find out what he’s going through. Then just...go from there.”

“To what?” Danny bubbled up with a bitter laugh. “How am I gonna be any help to him? I’m just the asshole who brags about how he fucking stopped therapy and medication all on his own! No trouble! Just, yep, toss your pill bottle in the fucking water, guys, it’s all good!”

“You don’t do that,” Arin murmured. “Every single time you tell that story, you make sure to say that people all have to do things differently – that you got lucky. What do you think’s gonna happen, that you’ll just...send him over the edge?”

Danny covered his face with his hands. Utter helplessness spread through him. “I just...I don’t...”

“Danny, listen to me. You’re the only person here, between the two of us, who knows what it feels like when everything’s too hard to bear. When you can’t figure out how to go on anymore. And if Brian feels even a little bit like that...then you’re the best person to help him.”

“But I might fuck up-”

“Okay.”

Danny looked up at him, frowning.

“People fuck up.” Arin slid closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and Danny collapsed into him. “I’m not saying you’re supposed to save him, dude – that’d be fucked up of me. Brian has to be the one to decide he wants help for whatever it is he might be going through. But you can be by his side and show him that it’s not a lost cause.” He paused. “The amount of times that Suzy has brought me up out of a fog just with her telling me she loves me, or that I’m not alone, or pointing out something about me that she thinks is amazing...it’s incredible. It works. And it’ll work for you too.”

“It’s not that easy, is it?”

Arin shook his head with a wry sort of smile. “It’s never easy. I wish it was. Whatever’s gonna happen here, it’s a process, okay? You know that.”

He did. It had taken ages until he felt exasperated enough to throw away his medication, then even longer before he came out from under the foggy withdrawal of what it had done to him. He’d been warned it wouldn’t be easy, and they were right. “I just...want him to know I’m not running away. Even if he feels like shit. Even if things feel hard. I’m staying.”

“Then tell him that.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah.” It wasn’t hard. Just being the one to tell Brian that he wasn’t alone – even if he thought he deserved it – could do so much good, he thought optimistically. And it was one step toward doing better than he had. No more missing the signs of his lover struggling. He didn’t want to baby him or hold his hand all the time – and Brian would probably throw a fit if he did – but he had to get his head out of his own ass.

Things had changed for them. Their relationship was completely different than it ever had been before. He couldn’t keep treating Brian like he was still just his best friend and nothing else. He had to keep his eyes open and see things that he might’ve never called him on before because of how he was raised – believing that guys had to work through their shit on their own.

He wouldn’t have ignored the signs of a girlfriend going through pain or trauma. He wasn’t going to do that for his boyfriend either.

“Do you really think I can help him and not ruin everything?” he asked quietly, searching Arin’s gaze for answers. “That...that I can stick around and show him how serious I am about this? And help him through shit?”

Arin grinned. There wasn’t a single question in his eyes. No doubt. No consideration. Just a strong, unwavering faith – exactly what he needed. “Dude, you know you can do anything, right? If I had to pick, I’d always want you at my back.”

It was so weird, how things had changed in just the past few months. Before he’d dated Brian, Danny would’ve laughed and joked away from the way his words embraced his heart and made him feel…happy. He would’ve shied away from feeling an intimacy between the two of them. But it was okay. It wasn’t weird or bad or wrong. It didn’t make Danny weak.

Finally he could see why Arin loved being as open and touchy-feely and kind as he was. It felt fucking amazing, if he could just drop his guard and invite people in.

“You want me to stick around for a while?” Arin asked quietly.

“Nah.” Danny slipped out from under his arm and stood with a sigh. “I...I want it to be just me, this first time. Is that selfish?”

“What, to want to be the guy your boyfriend leans on? To want to prove to him that you’re gonna stick by him no matter what?” Arin scoffed and rolled his eyes, smile widening. “You’re golden, bro, c’mon.”

Danny pulled Arin into a hug. Only a moment of hesitation – surprise, he was willing to bet – happened before Arin wrapped his arms around him in response. “Thank you. Seriously. I-I feel like I can actually do this now – whatever it is.”

“You need anything, you call me, okay? I’m serious. Any day, any time, I’m here.”

Danny squeezed his eyes shut and shakily exhaled. He’d never had such a fervent belief in someone being like a brother to him. He believed Arin. “Thank you. Uh, same, I mean it.”

Arin broke the embrace with a beaming smile. “Text me tonight about how things went, okay?”

“You got it.”

As Danny let Arin out, he lingered at the door, watching him walk away with a quiet sigh. Regardless of how Arin had built him up, there was still the temptation to be intimidated by what was about to happen. He had no idea what had made Brian break down in such a disastrous way. If it had anything to do with Danny, he’d feel guiltier than he could say, and the likelihood that he’d break down again was high. It was terrifying to think about. He didn’t want someone he loved to turn into that ruined, animalistic creature again. He wanted him to be okay.

It’ll take time, he reminded himself as he slipped back inside and shut the door behind him. Stay the course. Talk to him. And it’ll be okay.

He made his way to the bedroom and lingered for a moment, watching Brian’s peacefully sleeping face. Was there tension still in his body? Pain? Could he feel what was hurting him even still?

He crawled under the sheets with him and curled up close. He’d wait.

 ~~

 When he began to stir, he was sore as hell.

For a few blissful moments, Brian had no memory of what had happened to make him so tense in the first place – and then it came crashing down, every single thing he’d been trying to avoid for weeks, and he heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes.

It had come for him, then. All of it. All the pain. The agony. The fear. The frustration. It had hit him all at once to the tune of Danny’s voice.

But it was okay. He could still talk his way out of it. Though he felt exhausted down to his bones, sleep wasn’t an option anymore, and he felt oddly like he’d gone through some kind of catharsis. So he needed to have a breakdown every now and again. That was just fine. He could manage to do that in a far more private way in the future.

He could even make sure that Danny was calm. That he didn’t think any of this had to do with him. That it was a fluke, and it would never happen again.

Easy.

He opened his eyes, then pulled back when he saw Danny’s face a few inches from his own. Shit. He thought he’d have a few more minutes to figure out a plan. Just seeing the way his eyes sparkled in the low light from the curtains gripped Brian’s heart with guilt. Why wasn’t he stronger? Why did he have to exist in this pathetic, humiliating way? Why had he made Danny worry by seeing him like that?

Danny brushed his fingers over Brian’s cheek, and he fought the urge to lean into his touch. The stronger he could be, the better.

“You can keep sleeping,” Danny murmured. For once, there wasn’t an ever present smile shining at him. Just that quiet neutrality.

Brian grunted and shook his head. He could still taste the vomit in his mouth. He hadn’t even rinsed it out before he fell asleep. He rolled onto his back so Danny didn’t have to smell it. “I’m fine.” Fine in every way. If he kept sleeping, he’d only wake up feeling like he’d been put away wet again, and he would risk it being taken as a sign of weakness. And though he might be weak, Danny sure as hell didn’t need to know that.

“Okay.”

“Seriously. I’m fine.”

Danny hummed in acknowledgment – in that little way that told Brian he didn’t believe him for a second – and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he looked toward the closet. Silence stretched between them both. No, Danny suspected that something was very wrong – maybe even pitied him – and it only made the guilt stab claws a little deeper into his soul. I have to do better. I can’t keep living like this. I have to hide it more. What kind of asshole has a PHD and can’t even put on a good show? There was a reason Brian rarely went to improv classes with them. He knew his weaknesses.

Maybe he needed to take a few more anyway.

“Brian.” Danny touched his arm, and the bare tickle sent a shock straight up to his shoulder. He wished he wouldn’t touch him. With every second of contact, Brian felt something lurching in his body – something that could collapse at any moment. “Can we talk about how you’ve been feeling recently-”

“What, tired as hell?” Brian snorted. “That’s how I’ve felt for the past few years, Danny, and if you’re that worried about an old man not getting very good sleep, I regret to inform you that you’re going to be seeing a hell of a lot of it once we’re living together. Insomnia is genetic. My mom had it. I have it. It’s just normal, all right?” He turned his head to look at him – sealing the deal. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

Danny stared back at him. For the first time, Brian saw the flicker of hurt in his gaze, and he swallowed it down. He’d punish himself with it. He’d show himself what would happen if he couldn’t get better at dealing with his own shit. He’d lose Danny that much faster.

He could avoid that, if he just tried.

Danny pressed his lips into a thin line as he flicked his gaze over his face, like he was trying to memorize him. Was this it? Was this where he told him he wouldn’t be moving in? Bile tinged the back of Brian’s throat, and he swallowed, desperately trying to keep it down.

When Danny opened his mouth, his words were quiet but firm. “Why do you need to lie to me?”

He hadn’t expected things to be laid out quite so cleanly. Brian opened his mouth, then closed it again, wrinkling his brow. It was a hell of a question. Apparently he hadn’t done nearly as well with concealing how he’d been feeling as he thought he had. A wordless sound came out, embarrassing, and Brian looked away. He had a sharp awareness of the location of the door. Of where his keys were. Of where he parked. Run, his body whispered, run, run.

There was nowhere to run, though. Not anymore.

He was a fucking idiot, acting like he could just shove everything down and hide it once more when he’d already showed it in stunning clarity. Only someone worth their salt could manage that game, and Brian certainly wasn’t. The beginnings of hysteria kissed his mind. After all that time spent trying to look like someone better than he was to Danny…

It had been wasted. Either he could lie to him again and hurt him, or he could just...talk about it, so that at least Danny knew he wasn’t trying to burn things down intentionally.

Could he do it? Could he show him an ugly place inside of himself? He tensed, and Danny thumbed over the sensitive skin on his inner arm, up and down and up and down, a dizzying rhythm that made his head spin. I already did. He thought of the vomit in the toilet – the second time that he’d spilled from his emotions toward Danny. How did this man have such a grasp of him? How did he made it so damn easy to wiggle deep down inside of Brian and stir up the parts that he hadn’t touched in years?

“I’m not worthy of you.”

Silence. “What?”

He absolutely hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Brian sat up and rubbed his eyes. Lightheaded from his earlier exertions, he nearly tipped out of the bed, and Danny caught him, then kept an arm around his shoulders. Numbness spread deep through him like ice, but the warmth of Danny’s touch began to thaw it, and when he realized his vision was blurring again he felt a stab of familiar panic. No, no, he wasn’t going to cry again. He didn’t fucking do that.

“What do you mean, you’re not worthy of me?” Danny asked softly – coaxing him like he might a wild animal – and Brian choked on another rough sound. What right did Danny have to sound so gentle? So sympathetic? Like he could hold the world on his shoulders like Atlas and never flinch under the weight of it?

Brian was heavy. He could drag him down beneath the surface of his emotions and fucking drown him there. He couldn’t make him suffer like that.

But the game was so damn exhausting. Keeping the mask polished and in place, hiding the stress he felt, keeping people distracted by the gilding on his life… Eventually the facade would have to crack. It was only a matter of time before Arin would’ve caught a sign like he had with that coffee mug. Within days of moving in with Danny, he could almost guarantee he would’ve snapped and shattered something. It had to fall apart, logically.

Perhaps it was better for everything to fall to pieces here and now, before Brian had moved in.

“Danny, fucking look at me,” he whispered roughly. He lifted his hands – dry, calloused, wrinkling, already dotting here and there with hints of the age spots to come. Just from that angle he could see the unattractive swell of his belly – could remember how it bulged beneath his shirts no matter how perfect his posture was. He could see the stretch marks that coursed over his thighs where his boxers were riding up. “Don’t you get it?”

Danny crawled around to face him and sat with his knees gently pressed against Brian’s. Brian could instantly see how his face didn’t have a wrinkle on it. How his hair, even flattened from laying on the pillow, held a sort of life to it that spoke of the effervescence inside of him. How his eyelashes were long and his lips smooth. He was gorgeous. “...okay, so, what am I looking at, exactly?” Danny asked as he tilted his head to the side and skimmed his eyes up and down Brian’s face, torso, and legs.

He paused. “...I look like a troll beside you.”

Danny burst out laughing so suddenly that spittle hit Brian’s face, and he covered his mouth as Brian howled in frustration and wiped it away. “I-I’m so sorry, Bri, I just, are you fucking kidding me?” Danny grinned as he reached out and cupped his face. “Fucking look at you. Do you know how annoying it is that all I have to do is look at your eyes and I get hard? Those are panty droppers, man! I’d kill to have your eyes!”

Brian frowned and glanced down. “Okay, but-”

“Guess what?” Danny’s hand slid down to cup the back of Brian’s neck. “You don’t look like a supermodel. And neither do I. I look like a prepubescent boy most days. Do you know who I’d kill to have an ass like you do? I literally look like a child. I can’t stand it.”

That was absolutely impossible. Brian shook his head, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Do you miss the fact that all you have to do is say one damn word to me, and I’m ready to fuck you? Do you think that’s just a game?” Danny looked over him again this time, but far slower. “Like a troll. You’ve gotta be joking. You’re the first guy I’ve ever noticed an attraction to.”

“Is that not suspicious to you? I...Danny, you never felt attraction to a man before? Literally never? That’s not how it works. Attraction can feel differently for various genders, yes, but there’s not just a gay-for-you thing out there outside of movies or books or whatever.”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip as he seemed to consider it. “...you think I’ve never thought about that before? What’re you so worried about there?”

“That I manipulated you into thinking you were attracted to me, obviously.”

Danny shot him a look. The shock in his eyes told Brian that he’d never so much as pondered the idea. “You’re joking.”

“No!” Finally frustration bubbled over. “None of this is joking! Why would I kid about this? Why would I fucking want to throw a wrench in my relationship with the man I fucking love over a joke? Would you stop asking that?!”

With the way he’d leaned back a few inches, Danny was taken aback, but he came forward again just as quickly and rested his hands on Brian’s bare thighs. His touch wiggled past his desire to run all over again, rooting him to the sheets. “Okay. That was fucked up of me to say. I’m sorry, seriously, I wasn’t thinking, but, like...you’ve gotta understand that I’ve never felt that way. Ever. Before I even knew you were interested in me, I was already struggling with how I felt about you. Remember? It wasn’t you, dude. I’d been freaking out about it for fucking years. How the hell could you have manipulated me into wanting you if you’d been literally on the other side of the planet to keep that from happening?”

Ah, logic. Normally his best friend. It felt like his worst enemy now. He only liked logic if it played into his plans, but here? Trying to undo what he’d believed for every damn day they’d been together? Impossible.

“It’s not just that, it’s...” It was all so hard to say. These were dirty little secrets he’d kept quiet for a reason. Even now he wanted to shut down.

“Bri. Please, man, we’ve gotta talk about this.”

But he couldn’t hold it in. Not if Danny was going to sound so desperate.

“You’re going to figure out one day,” Brian murmured, “that I’m not who you think I am.”

Danny watched him so closely that Brian half hoped he could read his mind and see exactly what he meant without him having to say every painful word. “...like, how do you mean that?”

What sort of secrets did Danny think he’d been keeping from him? Brian sighed. “Everyone always thinks that I’m this brilliant perfect guy. Right? Intelligent, educated, no boundaries, no discomforts. It’s obnoxious. Like everybody thinks I’m a fucking robot instead of a man with flesh and blood and too much shit to hide.” He shook his head. “I’m not that smart. C’mon. What kind of genius would deal with the things I do?”

“I don’t understand-”

“The fucking imposter syndrome? Hating what I see every time I look in a mirror? Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before things fall apart? If I was actually smart, I could hold it all back and-”

“Okay, stop there. Stop.” Danny grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them. “First of all, let’s just wipe that shit out of your brain right now, okay? That you need to hide it. Why would you need to do that?”

Spoken like a man who’d never felt the shadow of his failings hanging over him like an anvil. “It’s a lot, Danny. I can’t put everything I think and feel on you. You’d be exhausted. I’d be bleeding you from emotional labor every single fucking day, until you left me...” His throat tightened, and he tried to swallow it down. No. Not right now. He was better than crying like a child every thirty seconds. “I’m not going to make you put up with all of my shit.”

“Even if I want to?”

“Especially if you want to.” He forced himself to hold his gaze. “That’s how relationships go down the tubes. Someone has a Messiah complex, and someone leans on that person too hard and expects them to fix them.”

He knew that Danny couldn’t disagree. They’d seen it happen way too many times in the years they’d been friends – men expecting their girlfriends to be the only person to listen to their fears and pain, girls demanding their boyfriend’s utmost attention every second of every day rather than letting them go out with friends where they couldn’t watch them. The constant societal pressure of having a ‘one and only’ and how unhealthy it was. It would’ve been far too easy for Brian to slip into that mindset. Danny was soft and sweet and spongey, and he would’ve soaked up every bit of Brian’s pain without even questioning it, until it overwhelmed him. Brian would’ve taken and taken and taken, and Danny would’ve crumbled into dust.

He’d never do that to him. Ever.

For a long moment, they were both silent, no rebuttals, no plans, no magic methods to fix everything. But then Danny crawled forward, right into his lap, and wrapped his arms around his neck. He pressed their foreheads together. Brian expected him to kiss him – maybe to lull him away from the darkness in his mind with his body, like Brian always leaned on – but Danny just...stayed there. Held him. Touched him. Shared his breath with him. And, as the seconds ticked by, Brian’s heart pounded.

“I’m not gonna try to fix you, dude,” Danny whispered. He brushed a kiss over the tip of his nose, such a tender gesture that Brian’s eyes watered. “That’s not my job. I know it’s not. You think I’ve never felt like you have?”

Brian closed his eyes and held his breath. He wouldn’t break, he wouldn’t.

“I’ve been there. I’ve hated myself. I’ve thought I threw my life away. I...” He stayed quiet, but Brian saw an image in his mind anyway – the wall he’d stared at, sitting on his floor, listening to the silence after he’d told Danny he’d be leaving for the United Kingdom. How that must’ve felt...how he must’ve believed that everything he’d ever worked for had fallen to pieces. Maybe even wished he’d never sent the email introducing himself to Brian in the first place.

I’m so sorry, he thought, tucking his arms around Danny’s trim waist and holding him even closer.

“I didn’t wanna be a burden on anybody either. My friends. My girlfriends. My family. It felt like if I told even one person what I was going through, everything would shut down, but...I did end up telling somebody. Just one. You know who?”

Brian shook his head.

“I had a fucking amazing therapist.”

Something sharp and venomous spread through Brian’s mouth. He couldn’t imagine doing that – sitting in front of a stranger once or twice a month, saying every intimate secret he’d ever kept locked down tight. How selfish that seemed. How infuriating a job that had to be, listening to people be weak every single day for hours and hours on end.

He opened his mouth to say something biting, but the words wouldn’t come.

Danny kissed his forehead next, like he didn’t even care how wrinkled it was, and continued to murmur the words against his skin. “You’re a fucking master in your field, Bri. You and me both know you are. You’ve studied that shit until you knew it in your sleep – things nobody else would ever discover. And that’s what she had too, my old therapist. She knew things that none of my friends or family or partners would ever be able to say to help me. She walked me through getting on meds. She walked me through my withdrawal too, when I got off them. She was fucking amazing. If I had my way, I’d take you to her right damn now.”

Brian dug his fingers into the back of Danny’s shirt. Mortified, he realized he was trembling again – that the pressure on his eyes was from how he refused to open his lids even slightly, because he couldn’t let those tears fall.

“We could find you somebody. I wouldn’t let you settle, okay? I’d help you go down a list until you found somebody you felt right with. Someone that didn’t make you feel like you were stupid or weak. Someone who’d help you build your own coping strategies. Who’d help you stop your lies.”

He shook his head out of instinct, but Danny’s words shone light into his chest.

“You know they’re lies, right? You know I love you. That everybody loves you. And all we want is for you to see the handsome, brilliant, talented, incredible man we all see every day.”

He couldn’t believe that. He knew that he was a fantastic liar, and he’d been pulling the wool over people’s eyes for years, but...but he wanted to believe it. He wanted to think that the people he loved more than life itself loved him in the exact same way. Could it really be that simple? Why was it so fucking hard to knock the cobwebs out of his brain and think that, just once, he could be loveable?

Danny clung to him. He hugged him until Brian could barely breathe – and then he realized it was from the sobs he was holding back. That Danny could read him – could feel it, and knew exactly what he needed to let go. “Will you just try it? For me? Try getting some help? I-I can’t watch you hate yourself like this. I love you, Brian.”

That was it. It was too much. He buried his face in Danny’s bony shoulder and let out the tears, soaking straight through his shirt. He couldn’t keep doing this on his own. He’d hated himself these past few weeks – far more than he ever had before. Just indulging the thoughts was enough to suffocate him.

He wanted to see the man that Danny saw every time he looked at him. The man that he kissed, hugged, and made love to. The man that made his eyes look like stars when he stared down at him in those moments right before he pressed inside of him. Was Brian so brilliantly deceptive that he’d made Danny look at him like that? Or was there in fact some good inside of him that he had lost sight of years before?

“I-I don’t even know when it started.” The words were slurred, and it was all well and good – he didn’t know if he wanted Danny to hear them in the first place. “It wasn’t always like this, i-it wasn’t always so...”

“It won’t be.” Tears were on Danny’s voice again, and Brian hated himself for making the man he adored cry, but fuck, he loved Danny twice as much for crying for him so easily. “It’s not gonna be like this forever, I promise. We’re gonna get you help. And I’m gonna be right there with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole fucking time. It’s gonna be okay, babe, I promise.”

As Danny rocked him slowly, something about the motion seemed to stir the fog in Brian’s body. The darkness that had held over him for so long began to move, until a faint light shone through it and barely illuminated his heart. It wasn’t vibrant. Not enough to burn. Barely even enough to be seen at all. But it was there. For once, the black was shifting to gray.

It was the promise of hope and change in the air. And, as Brian cried out every tear in his body, he clung to it and welcomed it closer, inviting it in.

 ~~

 “I think that’s them!”

“You think the giant truck pulling up to your house is anything but the moving company?” Brian drawled, and Danny laughed, swatting his shoulder.

They’d done it, then. It had been hard as hell, and they’d been up past midnight the night before sealing the rest of Brian’s belongings in boxes, but it was finished. Never once had Brian seen Danny with so much patience. Every time that Brian began to feel even slightly overwhelmed – staring around them at everything left to pack, feeling the breath catch in his chest – Danny had brightly asked for him to go grab him a drink, or buy him a snack at the gas station, or carry a handful of boxes closer to the door. Gentle distractions. Things that gave Brian a task that was far easier rather than calling him out on how uncomfortable he was and making him feel like an idiot.

Brian hated being wrong, but he had to admit that Danny understood him far better than he thought possible – and that he was the only man who really seemed to know how to help.

He watched him as he bounded toward the front door like a puppy and jogged outside to greet the same movers they’d spoken to barely twenty minutes beforehand, and he smirked. “I love you, you idiot,” he whispered, just for the pleasure of saying it – of the fact that it still didn’t feel real, that he was here, doing this, moving in with Danny. Combining their lives…

They had such an adventure ahead of them.

“Just bring it in anywhere!” Danny said as he wandered back inside and gestured with drama better suiting an actor than a gangly guy with a shrub on his head. “Just, y’know, here, there...”

“I think they’ve got the idea.” Brian held a hand out to him, and Danny stuck his tongue out, as if he wasn’t already walking toward him to grab it. “Let’s get out of their way.”

“I’m never in the way,” Danny said with incredible confidence even as he let Brian coax him toward the kitchen. “You just want a snack.”

“Maybe.”

As Brian began rooting through Danny’s cabinets just because he could now – because the food in there was all his as much as it was his lover’s – Danny snuck behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. “So.” Danny kissed the back of his neck. “You’re ready for the appointment tomorrow? Got all your insurance info and stuff?”

Brian paused. He leaned against the counter with a sigh. When he felt the encroaching desperation to call the whole thing off, he took a deep breath and willed it away – just far enough that he could focus on the warmth of Danny’s body. A fitting distraction. “I have everything – and I’m as ready as I’m going to be.” He cleared his throat. “You, uh, still going with me?”

“Duh!” Danny laughed. “I’m with you to the ends of the earth, babe, you kidding me?”

No one deserved to be this lucky – yet here he was. Here Brian stood in the house of the man he loved, the house that now nearly belonged equally to him. Here he could live in utter domesticity with him, and dream of a future that might involve matching wedding bands on their hands, and even think a little bit about the sounds of tiny feet slapping the kitchen tile as they ran. Was that so terrible to wish for? To imagine? To hope would come to pass?

Nothing was fixed. Barely anything had changed. But, for once, Brian had the vision of a time where it could.

“You mean it?” he murmured.

Danny gently turned Brian to face him and cupped his face, leaning in for a deep kiss. He sucked the concern right out of Brian and replaced it with promises and intent and love, so much of it that he felt it in his curling toes. “You’re mine. I’m yours.” Danny grinned at him, and for the first time Brian caught sight of the deepening wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. A bright, smoldering attraction burst in his chest, spreading through him. “Nothing’s gonna ever make me let you go. I mean it.”

Brian cupped his face in both hands, brimming with hope. “I love you so fucking much.”

It was late - that was all. She didn't want to wake someone up when she wasn't exactly in crisis mode. She knew what a crisis looked like in her life, and this wasn't it - but God, did it still make her burn up inside.

Unwilling to watch her notifications fill with people who might understand her situation but not her, Holly put her phone to sleep and tossed it to the far side of the bed. At the very least, she could lay down. Maybe this time she'd sleep. Maybe she wouldn't close her eyes and think about how she did nothing but hurt the people she loved and that her mother had only seen her as a tool to use and that-

You're not doing a good job at this sleeping thing. Can't even do that right.

Holly squeezed her eyes shut until they hurt and gathered her knees to her chest, her breathing coming raggedly. For all her therapy and attention to mental health, sometimes she just had to admit it didn't work. Her brain was broken. Her soul was fractured. Acting as if she was healing at all was…

…did my phone just vibrate?

She didn't have notifications from social media active on her phone anymore, but with how late it was, she had no idea what else it could be. She pulled her phone over and checked it.

The last thing she expected was a text from Danny.

"Rough night?"

Holly chewed on her bottom lip. Every part of her screamed not to text back - not to get him involved in her issues now that she wasn't even living in California. How selfish would she be if she did? After all, Danny was Ross's friend. Amicably as things had ended there, they'd still divvied up their pets with great care, just like their belongings, and Holly found herself mentally dividing the friendships as well. She got Suzy. Ross got Danny.

And then the anxiety kicked in, reminding her that she was leaving him on read.

Her fingers flew in a reply. "I'm fine! How are you?" Lying was better on nights like this.

A typing bubble instantly filled the screen. "I'm good. Your tweets don't sound very fine though."

Shit. Holly buried her face in her pillow and let out a sharp, unintentional sound - trying to burn off the rising tension she felt. "Sometimes you just feel sad. Really, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I know you wouldn't lie to me, Holly. We've been friends for too long."

And they had. She'd worked with him before Arin. Whether or not Danny meant to guilt her, it was working. It was unhealthy to vent as much as she wanted to, she thought, but her eyes blurred as her thumbs pounded on the screen. "Things changed when I left, that's all. I knew they would, but I didn't realize how alone I'd feel here in Washington. I've spent so much of my life taking care of people and dropping everything I was doing to help them, and it's hard to realize that I don't have anyone who wants to do the same for me. It makes it tough to go on." The second she sent the text, she tasted acid on her tongue and hurried to type a follow up. "I'm okay, though, I mean it. I don't want anybody to worry. Please don't talk about it at the office, okay? Just forget I said anything."

She couldn't stay still after that. Though Holly had neglected her self care that night - ignoring the need to wash her face - she clambered out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. Exfoliating her skin a little too roughly was punishment enough for what she'd just done.

She didn't want people to worry about her. She could handle herself, no matter how depressed she might feel. The last thing she wanted to do was cause someone trouble.

And, she realized the second she returned to bed, she must have done exactly that. Her message hadn't been replied to. She was alone, just like she'd suspected.

Somehow, even knowing that in advance didn't help.

Holly collapsed into bed and dragged the pillow close. She already knew she couldn't cry. The likelihood of sleeping was low. She hadn't relied on a sleeping pill in a while, but…

Her phone vibrated. She opened the alert, then stared at the screenshot Danny had sent her: a plane ticket to Washington.

"Someone always cares. I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow." That was all he said.

That can't be real. Holly zoomed in on the ticket with wide eyes. But the more she looked, the more she realized that, no, it's wasn't fake. For whatever reason, Danny was coming to visit her the next day - for the whole weekend, apparently.

And she'd barely even unpacked when she moved in.

He's going to see everything!

Sleep completely forgotten, Holly flew through the house, searching for cleaning supplies and ways to hide every unpacked box. She didn't have much time, but she'd be damned if she didn't at least act like a respectable adult before he arrived.

~~~

Yep. Great idea, Avidan. You did it! You sure showed your supportive friendship by fucking showing up without even asking if you could come!

So what if he'd been guilting himself for twelve hours? He deserved it. Hell of a job Danny had done, just buying a fucking plane ticket. Holly hadn't messaged him back after that. Maybe she wouldn't even be picking him up at the airport. Maybe she was pretending she never received the text. Honestly, he deserved it. With his bag in hand, waiting for everyone ahead of him to disembark, all Danny could think about was how he'd walk straight to the ticket stand and buy a return flight right that second.

Maybe having a thousand dollars less in his bank account would remind him to stop running from his own problems.

It wasn't like he'd given himself the chance to heal, he considered as he finally left the plane. He never did, really. He was Danny. Time might fix everything, but he refused to wait. He had long legs, and they carried him fast, right past every break he might need to take. Straight to Washington, for example, where no one would be waiting for him but…

…but a pale woman, all in black, her dark wavy hair framing her jagged face.

Holly.

She'd come. She was waiting right here at the gate, even though she didn't have to.

A familiar warmth spread through Danny. He knew it well. The two of them had worked together before Grumps even existed, hadn't they? He remembered passing her in the halls at Maker, getting dragged into her crazy ideas, pulling her into a few himself…no, she was a fantastic friend, and one that he missed dearly.

He knew why she was here in Washington, but fuck, he hadn't realized how much not seeing her ate at him.

"You came!" Danny chirped, opening his arms wide, and Holly buried her face in his chest with a quiet sound. "You didn't have to. I could've just gone back home."

"Not a chance." Her voice was mumbled against his t-shirt. Every bit of her weight sagged into him, and Danny shifted his footing as he blinked.

Was her paleness natural? Were her cheekbones gaunt instead of sharp? He rubbed up and down her back, hoping to coax her to look at him.

"I don't live too far off," she suddenly began to chatter like one of her birds. "So we just need to hop in the car, and we can think about ordering food on the way - there's a great place just down the road from my house, and they know me by name by now, so I get pretty fast service."

"That's great." Danny tried to catch a glimpse of her face, but Holly had already pulled away and started leading a path through the others. "Uh, hey, I'm…sorry about just showing up, by the way, like, the last thing I wanted to do was stress you out-"

"Please don't apologize." Her voice, fragile as it was, barely broke through the air before it was gone again, quick enough that he might've only imagined it.

Danny hesitated for only a moment longer before he followed in her wake.

~~~

"I really wish you'd take the bed."

"I'm not gonna take the bed!" Danny bubbled up with laughter.

God, she hadn't realized how much she missed that sound. Holly stood with her back to him for a moment, blankets still in her arms, and let the tingles spread down her spine. It felt like it had been years since she'd even spoken to another human being, and now here she was, dressing her cat fur covered couch for one. "You're so much taller than me, Danny. Don't pretend like you're not going to be miserable out here tonight."

"If I'm miserable, you can say you told me so." The smile he wore was audible. As she began spreading the sheets out for him, he joined her, and they made quick work of them. It wasn't surprising - his hands were so much larger than hers, she noticed with a glance, broad and lean.

You've been living alone for so long that you're admiring someone's hands, she thought dryly.

"If Mojo bothers you, just kick her off the couch. Seriously." Holly tucked her hair behind her ear. She put a few feet of distance between her and Danny and restlessly began rearranging the clutter on the TV stand. "She bounces back pretty well, it's…don't worry about it."

"I won't."

When the silence stretched out, she glanced over her shoulder and met his warm brown gaze. She was a parody of a human being. All the company she'd had for days, if not weeks, were birds and a cat, and that meant her understanding of human interaction was gone. What did people talk about when they made eye contact? No clue.

It didn't help that he didn't seem in a hurry to break either the silence or the stare.

"So!" Holly clapped her hands and rubbed them together, hurrying toward the hallway. "I'll be in my room. If you need anything, just come ask. Food's all available. Bathroom too." As if he didn't use it already, Holly, you silly egg. "Um. Good night!"

She shut her bedroom door before he could even reply.

Trapped as she was, she didn't give herself room to escape the frustrated thoughts. So look how the evening's gone. You gave him a lukewarm takeout dinner, absolutely no conversation, a shitty Internet connection, a couch too short for his legs… They circled like hawks, waiting until she was just vulnerable enough for them to dive and take a chunk out of her mind. Anxiety filled the gaps.

Another sleepless night - except this time she had a house guest to make it twice as bad.

When it felt like she'd taken up every ounce of the oxygen, her lungs struggling to fill, Holly gave up. She wrapped a scarf around her neck, bundled up in her thickest sweater, and even had the presence of mind to put on gloves. Just a short walk outside would do her well, she decided, popping around the back near the pigeons and getting a breath of fresh air.

Two steps down the hallway had her slowing.

Danny was asleep on the couch. With his head turned toward the room and his long eyelashes flush with his cheeks, he held a youthfulness that she hadn't seen on him since those early days at Maker. One of the sheets was pulled up around his bare collarbone and arms - and Mojo, bless her, rested on his chest, lifting her head to see her when she came a little further into the room.

"You little terror," she whispered, extending a finger for Mojo to sniff and rub against, then lingered a few seconds more. Danny breathed deeply, lips parted. Was he dreaming? What did he think about, in that too tight brain of his? He kept too many plates spinning at once - she couldn't imagine carrying all that and having anything but nightmares about something going wrong.

You're staring again.

Heat flooded Holly's face as she let herself out the back door. She welcomed the cold. It embraced her, inviting her further into the yard, and she followed, grateful for the nip on her cheeks and nose to be a willing distraction.

The stars did the trick. She tipped her head back and admired them, trying to pick out every constellation she'd ever learned. I missed you all. I haven't greeted you enough since I came out here. I'm sorry. I'll do better. It was too easy to hide in the house every night, after spending so much time outside during the day taking care of her feathered brood. But being here, beneath the night sky, she felt the power in the air down to the tips of her toes. She remembered what called her to witchy roots in the first place.

She had to stop hiding from it. She came up on her tiptoes, stretching her fingers toward the moon…

"Can I join you?"

Holly whipped around, flustered. Danny stood there in his thin hoodie and sleep pants, feet shoved into his awful tennis shoes. He looked like a Californian through and through, one who had never experienced weather below fifty degrees in his life, and she covered her mouth to hide her smile. "You're gonna freeze. You don't have to."

Danny laughed. "Hey, I haven't experienced nature in years. Maybe seeing some stars for once might do me some good."

"Even though you're shivering?"

"Shut up, I'm not."

He totally was, and he couldn't hide it from her, but he still stepped into the yard. The hoodie was tight on his frame, but it didn't keep her from missing the fact that his skin was bare beneath it. Rather than risk noticing the long line of his neck leading down to his exposed breastbone just above the zipper, Holly busied herself with removing her scarf. This happens when you don't talk to people every day, she reasoned. You start watching people like an asshole, and…and it's weird. Holly cleared her throat. "I-I, uh, I know nature's helping me do better now that I'm out here. Just, um, seeing some green every day? It can make you feel so much more connected to the world."

Holly came up on her tiptoes to put her at Danny's height, where she could wrap the scarf around his neck. The silence came back - her greatest enemy.

Danny had always been a babbler. Why wouldn't he speak now? Why did he keep letting Holly's words trail off into nothing so she could see exactly how much of a loser she was?

"Sorry," she whispered, because she couldn't think of anything else to say. She had no idea why she was apologizing, but she must've missed something obvious. She risked a glance upward and caught Danny watching the stars overhead. For the first time since he'd arrived, she saw the heavy bags under his eyes and the wrinkles on his skin. How she had missed them when he was sleeping, she had no idea. The likelihood that he was anything like her - carrying the weight of something he could only escape in his dreams - was slim to none. He'd achieved a level of success she would never meet.

Yet still he looked so damn tired, enough that her chest ached as she watched him.

"Will you show me some tomorrow?"

"What?" she asked, jolting in surprise.

"Nature. Something green. Whatever helps you connect." He furrowed his brow. "Whatever…makes you feel like more than a fucking cog in a machine."

Holly opened her mouth, then closed it again. She had no idea how to respond to that. "I…yeah. I can."

"Cool." He looked back at her and smiled, eyes sleepy. "Don't stay out here too long, okay?"

As he turned and went back inside, Holly found herself neglecting the sky again, settling for watching how he walked. He slipped inside like he belonged there, and she watched even still.

You really need to get out more, Holly.

~~~

For once, the day was quiet. Danny couldn't remember the last time he'd had silence. Holly spent her time outside, caring for her pigeons and giving their roost a deep cleaning, then retreated inside with a coffee cup and a book that she buried her face behind. It left it to Danny to entertain himself - the last thing he wanted to do was disturb her concentration.

The first bit of time, he spent on his phone. There was the check in from Arin, asking if he was alive or if he'd been eaten by a bear yet. A text from Ross, delicately asking Danny to make sure Holly was taking care of herself. A follow up from Brian about an email he'd given him charge over now that he was out of town for a few days, paired with a blunt reminder for Danny to remember he couldn't just hide in the mountains forever.

That one got a lovely string of obscenities back, but Danny highly doubted Brian would give any kind of a fuck. What did he know, anyway? He wasn't the one dealing with this shit.

When he was raiding Holly's kitchen for dinner, however, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for himself for the second meal in a row, he heard quiet footsteps behind him and turned his head. Holly leaned in the doorframe, dressed down in simple leggings and an oversized sweater that hung off her shoulder, her feet bare. Adorable, really. The warmth from the day before came rushing back twofold, and he sucked in a sharp breath and swallowed it back down to a safe, platonic level.

He might be a bastard sometimes when he was dealing with the shit he had going on, but he wasn't going to let it touch Holly.

"I thought I'd take you through the woods," she said softly. Had her voice always been so quiet? "Maybe once you're done eating."

Something about the shape and color of her big eyes made him forget his appetite entirely. "I can go now."

"You don't have to."

"I know." He couldn't help but smile. "Holly, this nature loving thing is rare as shit, okay? I've gotta take advantage of it before it's gone."

She nodded, but didn't laugh. That was fair. It hadn't really been funny. Danny hadn't been funny in days. "I'll get my stuff, then."

"Cool." Danny watched her leave, then looked down at the peanut butter smeared bread. Good enough. He shoved it in his mouth as he wandered into the living room to wait for her.

To his surprise, they didn't drive. Holly led the way down the winding road like a silent pied piper, until she brought him to a copse of trees. Clearly this wasn't going to be a journey through a national park. No, she took him straight off the side of the street, but the further they journeyed, the fewer cars he heard, until it was just the two of them with the sinking sun casting less and less light through the branches.

"You remember the way back if it gets dark?"

Holly gave him a thin smile. "Don't tell me you're scared."

He bumped his shoulder against hers. "Not if you're there."

He caught how her cheeks turned pink as she looked away.

Not for the first time since he'd arrived, he wondered how much of an imposition he was on her daily life. He'd swooped down in the name of being a hero - building himself up - without considering that she might not need him there. He used her silences to rest his mind, but didn't see what she wanted in turn. He forced himself into her space.

Only assholes did that.

"You know," Danny said quietly, fearing somehow that she'd jump. "I haven't been out in the woods like this since I was a stoner."

Holly laughed suddenly and shook her head. "Sounds like a personal problem. You should get out more often."

"Oh yeah? With what time should I be doing that?" It was all in good humor - just a little verbal sparring.

She shot him a look. "You had time to come here and see me with only twelve hours notice."

Fuck. There it was. She'd called him on his bullshit, and he couldn't really keep it quiet now, could he? After considering his approach, Danny cleared his throat. "Yeah. I dunno. My girlfriend broke up with me that day, and…I guess my weekend opened up."

Only the sounds of the wildlife beginning to settle for the evening surrounded them for long seconds. It gave him plenty of time to remember the state he'd been in when he left - pride shattered, heart numb, eyes forcibly turning toward the horizon. Sometimes a man just needed to pretend that this time - the fiftieth break up in a row - didn't really matter, that he could just keep collecting them for the rest of his life. But it left him craving. Wanting.

Taking advantage of that to come hold a woman together while she patched herself up…it wasn't smart. Especially when it unearthed curiosity from years prior.

When Holly chuckled again, it sounded far less alive than the woods around them. "Right. God, I was stupid. Obviously you didn't come here for me."

He looked at her, studying her smile - one that looked shakier than stable.

"I mean, I'm happy to help you heal in any way I can, of course," she said quickly. "Didn't even know you had a girlfriend, but-"

"I did come here for you," he interrupted.

Holly flinched. "Don't tell me what I want to hear just to be a nice guy, Danny. I think you're better than that."

Think? Not know? The blow that struck his chest was stunning. It shouldn't have hurt, not even remotely, but he shook with the force of it.

Of course it hurt, idiot, just look at her. With each passing moment that he stared, the heat spread further through him. No, he couldn't judge it as wholly platonic anymore. But with a fresh break up on both of their minds, he couldn't do a damn thing about it - not even if it had been there for years. He'd been so much closer to her before - when they crossed paths every day, when his position Grumping hadn't even been suggested yet. He'd wanted her even then. But he wasn't an asshole.

Friends didn't stick their noses where it wasn't allowed. They didn't think about ruining relationships that already stood firm, and he hadn't.

A man couldn't be responsible for what he dreamed about at night, however. Whether they were fervent, sweaty ones six years prior about hooking up in a work closet, or the quietly shared kisses he dreamed about last night, they were only images, not prophecies.

So why did she sound so upset that he might have come here for something other than her?

Holly sucked in a ragged breath, voice sharp. "I-it's okay if you came here to get away, but don't you dare pretend it was for-"

Something whooshed overhead, and Danny darted a step backward with a gasp. He caught a glimpse of color, and then it was gone in the fluttering leaves above. "What the fuck was that?"

Holly stayed quiet. He looked at her, then up again, and this time he caught a full view of the owl that flew low, scooped something he couldn't see off the forest floor, then disappeared into the branches again.

He'd never seen the likes of it before. It was stunning - the earthy colors of the plumage, the soft hoot that broke through the air, and the sheer speed and power it possessed. It took his breath away.

When he looked at Holly again, she was shaking.

He didn't fully know why he reached for her hand, but as their fingers collided, she pulled hers away - then slowly returned, lacing with his grip.

"When I bought that ticket, I did it for you," he whispered, because it was truer than anything he'd ever said before.

She shook her head. "I'm not a rebound."

He came a few steps closer, until his chest almost touched her shoulder. "What, and I am?"

Holly squeezed her eyes shut - but she didn't pull away. "No. You're not. I just…I don't…"

Fuck, he wanted to hold her. That was all he needed right now, just a long night with her in his arms figuring out how long he'd been repressing the needy attraction boiling right under the surface of his skin. But she looked terrified, and he wasn't going to make another move. "It's dark. Nature's fucking cool and all, but…we should head back."

As Danny started to walk away - to let her hand go - she squeezed it tighter. "Don't."

He looked.

Holly didn't say another word - just led the way back through the darkening forest, his hand still tightly locked in hers.

~~~

She built them a fire in the yard once they got back, glaring at Danny when he tried to lift wood to help her. She could do it all on her own. She might be so weak that she made a broken man ignore his own pain to come across the entire country to see her, but she wasn't going to let him do everything.

Especially not when he had her head so stirred up.

So maybe she had seen how he watched her while they were both working at Maker - so what? She'd told herself that if he was a fuckboy, she could get the whole office to tear him a new one, but no, he'd been good and kind and hadn't ever once made her feel uncomfortable. And now? It wasn't like she was wearing a ring anymore, and neither was he.

She could think about things, dangerous though they were. Being interested in someone who lived over a thousand miles away wasn't her style anymore.

Once the fire was lit, she collapsed beside it in the grass and put her chin in her hands. Danny sat beside her, their thighs brushing, and the shock that shot through her wasn't entirely unwelcome.

Before she could talk her lonely, contact deprived body out of it, she sagged against him, head on his shoulder. "What are we doing?"

"Sitting."

"Danny."

He chuckled. "Fuck if I know. I don't try to make this a habit."

"What?"

"You know."

"I need you to spell it out for me." Holly tipped her head back so she could see his face illuminated by the flickering flames.

Danny sighed and put an arm around her shoulders, one that hovered awkwardly for a few seconds before it dropped fully into place. "Getting feels for a girl I've been friends with for, what, six, seven years?"

"Why not?"

"It's easier when it's somebody you barely know. You can kind of…drift off without too much pain, if things don't work out."

She knew a little something about pain - how it wracked her and kept her awake at night in an empty bed, making her ask herself what she could've done differently. Her eyes filled, and, embarrassed, she quickly looked at the fire. "So we don't do anything. You go home tomorrow and we just forget this ever happened."

Silence. Fingers found her hair, trailing through the strands, and she leaned into the touch, her eyelashes fluttering. She felt a tear fall down her cheek as her eyes shut.

"If that's what you want," Danny finally said.

"What do you want?" she shot back, voice tight.

Danny snorted. "Holly, I waited for you without even realizing I was doing it. If what you want is…to be alone, I can dig that. We all need it sometimes, right?"

Her muscles exploded into action. With one stab of fear at that word - alone - she flung herself into his lap, straddling his hips and throwing her arms around him. "No. No. I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of being alone, I-I don't…"

"Hey." Danny buried his fingers in her hair and held her tight with his other arm around her waist. "You don't…you don't have to be. You know?"

"Right." She pressed her face into his neck. "You'll just magically be here all the time, if we do this, sure."

"I might be almost forty, but I can fucking use a phone," he murmured without anger. "I know how FaceTime works. I can buy plane tickets and come see you."

"I don't know if I could fly to you."

"You think I wouldn't have thought of that?"

Have you? That California would only be full of memories and anxiety and fear?

"You only showed me one part of the woods. You need to show me a hell of a lot more, don't you?" Danny asked.

This isn't real, her mind insisted. You don't deserve the soft. You don't deserve to be held. You're hallucinating.

But she wasn't. She was being held right here, more warmed by Danny's body than the fire they sat before. It was real.

All of it - her pounding heart, Danny's soothing voice, and the tight embrace from the stunning landscape around them - was real.

"When can you come back?" Holly whispered.

When he laughed, Danny's chest vibrated pleasantly against hers. "Suzy's been after me to take a vacation for years. I could be back here in two weeks."

Two weeks. She sought his curls, tingling all over when he made a soft sound and let her give them a small tug. "Two weeks by myself."

"No. No, you can't just…stay here. Holly, you've gotta promise me you're gonna get out there and meet some people. I don't care how, just…" He shook his head. "You can't."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." Even as she said it, the fear raced through her again - but she could push through it. Meeting people was terrifying, yes, but she couldn't do the solitude anymore. Days bled into nights. Speaking grew too difficult. Her skin went even paler. Each day, she turned more into a ghost - a monster that walked among humans.

There were plenty of ways to get around up here. She'd just have to try her hardest.

"Okay," he murmured.

Holly pulled away from his neck and tentatively touched his face. The roughness of Danny's stubble scratched her palm. He watched her with those unfathomably warm brown eyes, his pupils wide and dark.

His lips were parted.

Suddenly it seemed vital to find her guns and stick to them. "I'm not having sex with you tonight."

Danny burst out laughing again. He pressed their foreheads together and nuzzled her nose. "As long as you don't judge me if I jerk off in your bathroom."

"Gross," she said with a slow grin.

He quieted, eyes sparkling. "What about a kiss to seal the deal? Maybe on your hand? Is that cute? You like cute shit like that, right?"

She did, in fact, like cute shit - but, after all she'd lost, she liked feeling brave even more. She slid her hand to cup the back of his scalp and leaned to meet his lips instead.