#fightmarker

25. Chris Griffin vs. Bingo Heeler

Mr. Jay has an entire series of rap battles where a member of the Griffin household does battle with a Bluey character, the humor obviously being derived from the raunchy comedy characters trading disses with dogs from a show for children. Brian and Bandit’s battle is probably the weakest of the bunch, with Bandit coming off as a bit too harsh (though it does end with Bandit x Brian yaoi, which is a plus); Chili and Lois’ battle is solid but I ultimately felt it was a bit unremarkable; and Stewie and Bluey’s might be the most hilarious, with Stewie putting in insane effort to diss an opponent who is only rhyming with her own name. I actually almost put that one on the list, but for my money the best in the cycle is Bingo and Chris’ duel. The disses are great, the references are solid, and the fact Bingo is actually a better rapper than her sister is genuinely hilarious. Even the abrupt and jarring ending is hilarious.

24. Filthy Frank vs Eric Andre

Fightmarker’s battles are all about subverting or playing with the typical rap battle formula, and what better people to showcase that than the notorious prankster talk show host and the filthiest motherfucker alive? The battle plays out less like your typical rap battle and more like some deranged mix of the two men’s shows. Every single moment is baffling and bizarre, from Hannibal busting through and then getting shot by Joker, Frank getting testicular cancer, and Kraft Punk. I think the presentation here is the strong point, as the lyrics get a bit wild and messy, but this is still quite an achievement since both rappers feel incredibly accurate to the real guys and the magic of their shows is beautifully harnessed.

23. JonTron vs Scott the Woz

Fightmarker once again subverts your expectations of what a battle is. Jon gets in the first verse, sure, but he’s quickly dispatched by the AVGN, who Scott begrudgingly rap battles. What follows is something sure to delight fans of the two video game nerds, with tons of clever references to their shows and boatloads of profanity courtesy of the Nerd. Both of their styles of humor are captured perfectly, much like Frank and Eric from the last spot. But most importantly, there’s some delicious digs at Jon and his racist tendencies.

22. Regina George vs. J. Edgar Hoover

Snakebite126’s most out-there battle, but definitely one of his best. It is genuinely, painfully obvious that Regina is the winner, because she is so utterly unfazed by Hoover’s numerous threats and dismantles his whole life, but Hoover might be the funniest fucking character ever. His first lines are “Edgar. Hoover. Wrecking. Losers.” I think about that every single day. What an intro!

21. Hummer Driver vs. Sneakers O’Toole

It is actually miraculous what Mr. Jay did here. These are two one-shot Family Guy cutaway gag characters, meaning there is only the barest of characterization to work with, and yet an entire hilarious battle was crafted out of maybe a minute of television total. The Hummer Driver is loud, brash, profane, and offensive, while Sneakers oozes confidence (probably because he doesn’t take his sneakers off). The fact that the two have their own unique beats and that those animals that are so fucking funny they make you want to merge without looking get a cameo all make what should be a throwaway nonsense joke battle into something truly impressive.

20. Judge Holden vs AM

Powerscaler’s two favorite villains rap against each other, and they even get their answer at who is more evil! This battle is sort of a story, with Holden trying to pull out his typical violent philosophical musings only to have the tables turned and get turned into AM’s new plaything, with him being forced to feel empathy for the first time. Lots of clever references to the texts of both villains and an actual conclusive winner definitely help this stand out among the crowd.

19. Star-Lord vs Captain Jack Sparrow

Freshy Kanal is probably the best ERB spawn out there, producing insanely high quality raps with lyrics and flow that make Pete and Lloyd look like chumps sometimes. His willingness to tackle weirder matchups is also a plus. While this one isn’t super out there or even his best work, the incredible presentation in the music video and the sheer fun factor make this a great intro to the guy. My favorite little detail is Star-Lord doesn’t drop an F-bomb until his third verse, much like how he didn’t swear until the third Guardians film.

18. Annie Oakley vs Bass Reeves

Discord Rap Battles is a solid channel that has some truly inpsired matchups. This one, for instance, is so good that it’s shocking ERB has never touched it. The flow and Bass’ voice is incredible, and the wordplay and references are stellar, but what holds it back just a bit is Annie. Her lines are great but her accent is just a little too hokey and over the top for my taste. It doesn't hold the battle back much considering it's in my regular rotation, though.

17. Brian Griffin vs Snoopy

Mr. Jay really loves Brian, huh? This one starts out pretty typically, but after Snoopy’s verse Droopy, Mr. Peabody, and fucking Dogbert of all canines show up, turning this into a dog royale. It actually compares quite nicely with ERB’s director royale: the battle starts out with a pair of big name, hugely popular characters before getting interrupted by a weirder choice, who is in turn interrupted by a character who could easily claim to be the most impressive of them all before finally ending on a wacky choice who schools everyone else while also gloating about his own accomplishments. Dogbert is not nearly as fun a finisher as Michael Bay, but Mr. Peabody is definitely more enjoyable than Kubrick was so it evens out.

16. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde vs The Invisible Man

Well, ERB didn’t use Hyde, so someone might as well put him in a rap battle. The excellent presentation of the battle, from the old timey audio style to the black and white video, really help this battle stand out but the most impressive bit has to be the Invisible Man holding his own against a rapper who’s almost two separate people (but not really).

15. Patrick Bateman vs Sweeney Todd

While not a true story battle, this does something equally impressive: It condenses the entire character arc of Sweeney Todd into two verses (with Mrs. Lovett stepping in to spit a few bars before his second verse). Equally impressive is Patrick getting a verse as how he presents himself and then a second as his unhinged true self, complete with internal monologues kicking them off. Freshy Kanal truly exceeds with his battles using horror characters, and you’ll soon see an even more impressive example.

14. Bill Cipher vs Flowey the Flower

Snakebite is truly perfect as Flowey, and while his other rap battle against Monika is really good I think Bill is a much better match. Their reality bending is on par with each other, and when Flowey changes forms and gets a new beat rather than Omega with a harsher instrumental we get Asriel to spit bars. I honestly feel Bill was smoking that weed pretty handily until Asriel came in and schooled him.

13. Homelander vs Zoolander

See, this is why I love fan rap battles! They do these absurd matchups no one else could ever imagine in a million years! And what’s more, this kicks ass! Homelander is so fucking awesome, with his egotistical psychopathy front and center and a badass rap metal beat. And true to his memetic perception, he gets bodied by someone as wacky as Zoolander, who gets a groovy beat and shockingly hard disses. That’s not to say Homelander doesn’t put up a fight since he gets some damn good disses in, but boy is it funny seeing a fruity, brainless male model verbally brutalize him.

12. P. T. Barnum vs The Wizard of Oz

Two of the biggest frauds duke it out, and it’s as fun and funny as you can imagine it. Barnum’s punches pull from both the movie and Wicked, while Oz gets to be his Great & Powerful persona in his first verse before switching to his Goldblum-esque true self for his second. One would think this would be lopsided due to Oz’s disses holding more weight since Barnum was a real, awesome man, but Barnum’s bombastic delivery and flow kind of make you forget that. This is a close one.

11. Norman Bates vs Jack Torrance

This one might be my favorite of Freshy’s battles even if I wouldn’t call it the absolute best. The fact it features the villains of two of my fav films is one thing, but how the iconic themes of the two are first utilized in their opponent’s verse is just so fucking good.

10. Annoying Orange vs OJ Simpson

As much as a shitpost as this battle is, it’s actually one of the most hilariously accurate bits of character work Fightmarker has done. Orange spends the entire battle reiterating the same jokes (OJ is a murderer) while Simpson bytries to actually make disses, ultimately culminating in OJ confessing to all his crimes and ultimately getting arrested. In short, it’s a typical Annoying Orange episode with Orange ragebaiting his opponent into their downfall. Simply perfect.

9. Benoit Blanc vs Hercule Poirot

Freshy Kanal’s massive detective Royale epic is one of the longest rap battles around, but it kind of has to be to cram in all the extra rappers aside from the title characters. Columbo, Batman, L, Shaggy, and Sherlock himself all pop in for verses, and each one is fantastic in its own right. There’s even a funny little twist ending befitting any murder mystery, with a battle centered around a death the detectives are all bickering with each other as they try and solve it. My one complaint is that Sherlock really isn’t as fun as the others, but the final twist does make up for that. Funnily, Shaggy probably has the harshest disses, directed at Batman no less!

8. Weed vs Cigarettes

I do love when abstract concepts or stereotypes are pitted against each other, so having stereotypical embodiments of various sorts of addicts start rapping against each other is a winning idea. What really ties it all together is the ending, which is equal parts inspiring and hilarious as a normal, well-adjusted guy stages an intervention on the other rappers. Bro rolled in and performed an MK Friendship for the win.

7. Jigsaw vs Springtrap

Freshy is so much better at story battles than ERB. The concept is simple: Afton is in a Saw trap. Halfway through he dies and becomes Springtrap and kills Kramer, and then Kramer scores a posthumous victory by literally and figuratively spitting fire. The costumes and performances are amazing, and there’s a lot of clever disses here. It’s just a great Halloween episode.

6. Puss in Boots vs The Cat in the Hat

An absurd matchup to be sure, but they make it work. You'd think this would be an utter curbstomp considering Puss raps in Spanish, accuses the Cat of being a pedo multiple times, and disses Seuss' dying of cancer in his first verse, but surprisingly the Cat puts up a hell of a fight and utterly dissects Puss' entire life. For such a goofy concept this battle goes ridiculously hard.

5. Butt-head vs Patrick Star

Bet you didn’t think it was possible to have a Royale with only two characters, did you? Mr. Jay previously used Butt-head in a hilarious, so bad it’s good battle against Cuphead, but this one clears that completely. Each verse is a different iteration of the characters: Butt-head, Old Man Butt-head, and finally the hyper-intelligent Watcher Butt-head, and Patrick, his super hero alter ego Patrick Man, and the smart Patrick from when he got a concussion (with a bit of Bill Fagerbakke’s character from Jennifer’s Body thrown in for good measure). The whole battle is just a riot, aided by an unnecessarily epic instrumental.

4. Slenderman vs Jeff the Killer

Fightmarker followed up the wildly successful Deadpool vs Peter Griffin with another all-timer. The battle starts with a verse that goes way too fucking hard for something delivered by the world's dorkiest creepypasta icon, but then it veers into sheer hilarity as rather than a regular rebuttal from Slenderman, he stages an intervention to get Jeff to grow up and take responsibility. What ensues is one of the funniest things Fightmarker has ever put out, and it has one of the most diabolical twists you will ever see in a rap battle.

3. Eric Cartman vs Charlie Brown

Truly impressive character work here! Cartman is a flagrantly offensive asshole as usual, with his second verse being unfathomably good, and Charlie might actually be even better in that regard since he doesn't swear a single time and still handily dismantles Cartman (not that that fat bastard cares). But what really seals the deal and launches this to the top 3 is Lucy showing up in place of Charlie and fucking obliterating Cartman even harder than Wendy did--and it's even capped off with Charlie ruining the punchline and getting berated. Bro truly can't even win in his own rap battle.

2. 1999 vs Candle Cove

There's actually a lot of creepypasta rap battles, but this one really nails all of the ones represented. Candle Cove has Percy being a stammering coward who still manages to get in some good jabs, while Mr. Bear maintains his chummy persona right up until the midpoint where he goes fully manic and satanic, with the first half of the battle hitting all the major beats of the shows from their stories. Then we get an awesomely hammy verse from the Skin-Taker, and just when the battle seems to be ending it is hijacked by Happy Appy of all characters. What's even more surprising is he completely steals the show with a creepy verse, meaning this is the only time in history you can say Happy Appy came out on top of anything.

Deadpool vs Peter Griffin