#fightersmind

Well i certainly never envisioned myself getting in a ring and fighting another human. This weekend will mark the fourth time, technically, (2 w giant puffy cloud gloves) I’m doing just that since I turned 30. What I’ve learned through training muay thai has been absolutely monumental. 

I never identified as part of a particular group. Sure from the outside you can take a few guesses where I ‘fit’. However, I’ve managed to dig myself into a hole so deep I don’t particularly belong anywhere. Whether you train in a martial art, you’re an artist, musician, a mother, a teacher, we are all fighting everyday. What matters is how we handle ourselves in these moments of FEAR or STRESS. Many of these fights we encounter catch us off guard - we didn’t have time to envision the worst case scenario or how to counter the bullshit that just punched us in gut but we respond in the best way we know how. This fight is different because I CHOSE it. I said YES put me in coach - on this particular date - I will test myself mentally and physically. Honestly the physical aspect isn’t what concerns me as it’s much more of a mental game in my eyes. You go in and you know nothing but this person you’re against is going through the same process you are - maybe they’ve been training their entire life, maybe they are a coach themselves, maybe they feel rage, You have no clue what the fuck is going to happen in there other than you prove to yourself you will walk away with your head held high knowing you prepared yourself to the best of your ability. These moments have proven to be where I feel MOST ALIVE. For years I drown myself to the point of numbness. Today I feel everything and I can take a punch. I think back on how many fights I’ve actually faced and the list seems endless. Forever a misfit -  against the law, rednecks, racism, coke head father, violent relationships, sexual abuse, sexism in the workplace, self loathing, dangerous shitty neighborhoods, drugged out roommates, and my own alcoholism - a never-ending battle...Ive been mugged, maced, kidnapped, dragged down ... involved in a terrible car accident to fuck up more than 10 years of my life (longer of the other party’s) and cause me to get kicked out of a grad program I had all my invested money and efforts in. 

Training in martial arts has taught me the importance of OVERCOMING ADVERSITY, BREATHING, being FULLY PRESENT, of CONFIDENCE, ROUTINES, valuing your HEALTH, SLEEP, and kicking habits // even relationships which would bring forth any negativity. I’ve learned SELF DISCIPLE to an extreme degree, to approach EVERY HUMAN with open ears and willingness to LEARN, to BE RELENTLESS, find BALANCE between crafts, APPRECIATION for all, and a disturbing level of SELF UNDERSTANDING. Did I mention fighting requires one to be SUPER SELFISH? In this state, I spend a great deal of time alone -- always looking to improve. Part of what makes this sport so beautiful is this endless opportunity for growth. Getting in the ring might get easier, in time, but man, just living life some days can be much more difficult. Feeling is difficult. 

For all the days I wanted to fall apart and pick up a bottle or wander into a bar, for all the people who continued to misjudge, or understand me as who I am today, for isolation from socialization, and the voice in my head telling me to go hard whether you want to or not. This is what makes me, for the first time, identify --- ok, yes, I am a fighter. I’m also an art teacher and this is my number one purpose - to heal through arts. If you’re verbal, if you make a scene, you stand up for what you believe in, defend your people, stick to your guns, you are a fighter too! 

We are fighting the current mind fuck of a ‘’presidency’’, we fight for education, for health care, equal rights, for our parks, fresh air, and LIVING working wages. Regardless of any results, I’m on top of this shit. I am far from perfect and highly aware of my flaws. The progress I have made is undeniable and honestly, I’m ready to get the fuck out of here to start over. I am confident I will continue to learn and progress while pushing myself into areas of DISCOMFORT and UNKNOWNS for my own betterment. 

To my friends and family fighting demons, for trauma suffered, the LGBTQ community, all lives and Black Lives Matter, stay up! I am a POSITIVE DAWG, a stupid happy punk, a big grin on my huge head, and though I may break and flip here and there, I have high expectations and so should you! I’m going to keep on fighting for my life. I won’t be stopped. I can’t wait to begin my next chapter out west....and pursuit of art therapy in the Pacific Northwest--- It’s only right around the bend. Smell ya later. I’m out as soon as I can put the pedal to the metal. 

some things I can’t get enough of currently // great resources

PODCASTS -

BRUCE LEE, TIM FERRIS, STRIKING CORNER, RADIOLAB, TED TALKS, THE SPANAIRD

BOOKS - 

MIND BOXING, ZEN & THE MARTIAL ARTS, THE 16TH ROUND, ART OF WAR, MENTAL TRAINING FOR PEAK PERFORMANCE,  THE FIGHTERS MIND, PSYCHOTHERAPY AND SPIRIT

YOUTUBE - SUBSCRIBE TO 

DAMIEN TRAINOR, CROM UNITED, MUAY THAI SCHOLAR, MUAY TIES