#fifth date

We hung out at my house again she came by and we cuddled a lot

Us being super silly! I don’t rememebr that day very much I know we drew in my room we kissed a bunch! And cuddled in my bed. I saw her so much in a short period that it’s all started to much together haha

So I accomplished my goal of finally getting a second date. But then you know I’m an overachiever so I got the fifth date as well :)

Second Date:

So I drove to Marin County and met Rob in a shopping center. We were going to take his car to Muir Woods. The drive there was pretty nice, we caught up a bit and talked. We get to Muir Woods and the entrance fee is $10. I paid for my own ticket…no he didn’t offer but I don’t know, it was half a strike for me so I just moved on. Anyways, we’re hiking up Muir Woods and basically just having great conversations. There was a couple times I had a hard time climbing up the rocks so I needed his hand to support me. Same with the muddy areas. I told him I wanted to see the sunset so we went all the way down and left to go to Mount Tam (no fee this time). The sun was setting and I could see the lights of Marin County at this cliff. It was super romantic…cold…but romantic. He wanted to go to the top and we attempted to but it was getting too dark so we hiked back down and we were on our way back to the shopping center. It was a great date. We talked about a lot of things and I got to know him better. He seriously puts a smile on my face and I think I do the same. During the ride up to Mt. Tam, he kinda told me about his dating history. Mostly Friends With Benefits situations, nothing long term. Apparently when he went to the beach with his friends, he was basically 5th wheeling and kinda felt bad about being single? I’m glad he was comfortable to tell me about his dating past without me bringing it up first. I kept quiet about mine however, I don’t want to give out my long list of disappointments and failures. Anyways we get back to the shopping center. I look at him and I said I had a great time. He looks back at me. No attempt to kiss or even hug. SERIOUSLY??? I smiled and left his car. Awkward. Maybe he just wasn’t ready yet.

That night he texts me and I tease him about him not giving me my kiss and eggnog (we had a bet that whoever’s car had the best horsepower, gets a kiss and some eggnog). He tries to defend himself that he is a winner since we never went into my car. So he asks to see me again before I leave for Arizona. We set a date for the next day, Marin Headlands. I agreed

Third Date:

So we meet each other at the same shopping center and he doesn’t even bother to get up and hug me. So I just go into his car and we drive to Marin Headlands. We’re being silly and laughing in the car and we get to the beach (Stinson Beach?) anyways, we walk across the beach and take pictures. Still talking and laughing. My left leg was hurting so I started limping. He reaches out for my hand and I take it (this is on our way up the stairs, leaving the beach). I didn’t realize it but now we’re basically holding hands for like more than a minute. On our previous two dates, when I needed his hand to climb up something, he would hold my hand and then I would let go. I start teasing him about the kiss and he finally stops and kisses me. The first kiss was kinda awkward…a little too sudden…but the second kiss was better and we kept kissing more and more :) I was out of breath so we sat on a log, still holding hands, kissing some more, laughing. We went back to his car and drove to another spot where we could see the Golden Gate Bridge and watch the sunset. We’re still holding hands, this time I’m laying on his lap. Its really peaceful, just hearing nothing but silence, feeling the breeze, light pink and blue areas of the sky as the sunset, holding a cute guy’s hand…it was perfect. We went back into the car and we got to the popular area where we saw the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge a bit closer. The sun had finish setting and it was slightly getting dark. We sat on this wooden stump near a tunnel, still holding hands, cuddling, talking. He kissed me on my cheek a few times :) We madeout again ahaha. The kisses were getting better lol. Anyways we looked at the city lights that surround the Golden Gate Bridge and then we finally left to go back to the shopping center. He held my hand on the drive back. This time when I looked at him before leaving the car, he kissed :) This was a Friday night and he had to leave early because he had a family dinner so he asked about seeing me on Sunday. I said maybe because I was leaving the hospital late so I didn’t know if I could see him.

No text that night or Saturday night. I texted him on Sunday during my shift to see if I can still see him. I know I couldn’t take out the car to see him so I asked if he can pick me up and he said he could. Which leads to:

Fourth Date:

Tonight’s date was at the Berkeley Marina and he picked me around 9PM. I asked him how long he can stay and he said till 12:30 AM since he works at 6AM and has to wake up at 5:30AM. We finally get to Berkeley Marina (10 minutes from my house) and I ask him, “You didn’t even greet me! No kiss, no hug” and he kisses :))) We hang out on the bench, holding hands while I lay in his hand. Its cold and he asks me to share my infinity scarf, so now we’re sharing a scarf and its cute and I’m really happy. We start to walk around, holding on to each other and discover a restaurant. There is a raccoon walking across the path and Rob tries to intimidate it, holding both of my hands. “Rob stop it! Leave it alone!” I yell, trying to leave but he’s gripping on my hands, not letting go, still intimidating the fucking raccoon. I finally broke free out of his grip and ran away. I’m laughing because he’s just so fun and adventurous to be around. He really puts a big smile on my face. I’m smiling really hard as I type this. We try to drive off to a new place but that has no free parking so we go back to the Berkeley Marina and stay in his car. Cuddling, making out, talking. It was so relaxing, being in his arms. He was suppose to leave at 12:30AM but we kept procrastinating and didn’t even leave until 1:30AM. I remember on our way back, he grabs my hands while he’s driving and looks at me. He looks back at the road and squeezes my hand. “I think I just got butterflies” I blurt out. “When I squeeze your hand?” he asks. I smile and look at him, “yeah”. We get back to my house, he walks me to the door. “I’ve never been walked to my door and kissed before” so we basically made out at my door. We thought it was going to be my last time seeing him, so it was sad.

The following Monday afternoon, he asks about my flight departure time and asks if he can see me. I was leaving Tuesday evening so I said, of course, come over and we can watch Netflix and Hulu. My mom works night time and doesn’t come back until 8AM. 

Fifth Date:

So he once again, drove ALL the way from Novato and came to my house. We went to Safeway to grab a drink, still holding on to each other. We get back to my house, set up the couches and watch Netflix for a while, then some Hulu, still holding on to each other and cuddling. That night we madeout, humped (BAHAHAHA), little fingering, he went at it with my boobs ;). I asked if we should have sex but he said that we should take it slow and not tonight. I’m really happy he said that because I like him but I want this to be something meaningful. Anyways we played 21 questions, then he fell asleep and I fell asleep. When I was getting sleepy, I went to take out my contacts and I kept saying “fuck” in the bathroom. When I came into the living room, he opened his eyes and asked if I was doing okay. I told him my nails are too long so its hard to take off my contacts, plus I can’t sleep in them because its bad for your eyes. And he said “Yeah I don’t want your eyes getting messed up”. He’s so fucking sweet. 

Anyways we woke up around 7AM, cleaned up. We said goodbye, it sucked a lot, but I’m glad I got to experience it with him. That evening when I was in the airport, I sent him a text.

Me: “I have 5 things to tell you:

1. My mom came around 8:15 AM and didn’t suspect anything.

2. My scarf faintly has the smell of you.

3. I can see the hickey but it isn’t too noticeable.

4. My right nipple is still sore.

5. I’m going to miss you.

See you during Spring Break ;)”

His reply: “I’ll miss you too. Can you believe we had 4 dates over the span of 5 days? See you soon, spring fling”

Idk how I was feeling based on his weird texting skills, so I wasn’t going to put much thought into it. I told him the day before that we should probably hang out at his place, since mine was a mess. He said yeah sure. He told me to drop by whenever since he would be home studying. I told him good luck, he had no response for me so I just left it.

The next day (when we were supposed to meet) he texted asking if I wanted to catch a movie. We’d been talking about seeing the new Bond, so I was like :D?? Lab ended up screwing me over so I showed up an hour later than expected. Typical. I told him 5 minutes but he wasn’t downstairs when I got there, so I awkwardly sat in the lobby with his doorman and said I was here to meet my friend. Lol.... Doorman was like ok sure.... “friend” and then promptly lost interest.

He finally showed up looking like his usual cute self and we walked to get some ramen, slowly easing into holding hands. It was a little awkward, maybe... but it ended up being okay. We just chatted for a bit, he apologetically said that he probably had to go back after this and study a bit tonight. I think he’s just preoccupied, his exam is on monday. Still.... I guess I shouldn’t worry because it’s still early stages yet but for some reason I’m sad that he doesn’t like me or something.

We ate our ramen, and looked up movie times... he looked really stressed, poor thing. The next showtime was at 10:45. He asked me if it was too late, and I was like well, you’re the one who has to study, I’m a bum who doesn’t have anything. He laughed at that, and then asked if it would be ok if we went back and he studied while I ... chilled. I was like haha sure, I can entertain myself. Then he changed his mind and asked me if I wanted to go ice skating, since i was already down here. Sure, sure, ice skating... so I can fall on my ass and lean on him all cute/make a darn big fool out of myself. At this point it started snowing pretty hard... like that awful half rain half snow kind of deal. We walked towards the rink and then halfway I was like ok let’s just go back haha, maybe some other time? And he’s like yeaaaaaaah that’s probably a good idea. We head back to his place, looking like a couple of sad drowned puppies. The doorman just appraised us and was like ... so, its snowing real hard? Yep, yep it is....

He offers me a drink when we get upstairs, and I ask if he’s drinking with me, and he’s like, yeah, I’ll have a little. He struggles with his crappy bottle opener this time, and he’s like oh I totally understand your struggle last time, and I joke that he just thought I was a fool this whole time. I sit on the couch, and he decides that he can probably hang out for a little bit. So we settle into netflix and chill with Bob’s burgers because ladies and gentlemen, guess what, we finally found the search function on netflix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh glorious day. It was all the way at the bottom of the suggested shows lmaaaaaao. We watch a bit of Bob’s Burgers, and then he’s smelling my hair, and then we’re making out, and then next thing I know I’ve climbed onto him and we’re really making out, and then he’s like we should take this to the bedroom, and he kind of guides me gently into the bedroom and we fall onto the bed kinda and start making out some more and then we get naked and he asks me if I’m on BC, and I’m like ...:/ no.... and he’s like .. okay :( and then he puts on his last condom, and then he realizes he needs to pee, so he takes it off, because, “its reusable right?” and I’m just like oh dear.... and then he comes back and tries to put it on... and he’s stretching it to try to slide it on and my face is like o_O... and then he realizes that it’s a terrible idea, and he decides he’s gonna run to walgreens again, and I’m like lol buy a giant pack this time, and he’s like ok! and he puts on his pants and I ask him if I can steal a shirt, and he’s like well there’s t-shirts and there’s shirt shirts... 

Like I’m gonna steal one of his work shirts??? OK lol

I take his school t-shirt and I just sit in that and my boyshorts on his couch watching Bob’s Burgers, and he comes back a bit later and he’s like, I got lube too! Water based this time (vs the coconut oil last time, cuz it is still latex). We don’t end up needing it. I ride him, then my legs give out, and we flip over and he does some work, and I feel like I’m about to come, and he comes first. Womp. We curl up for a bit and he takes a tiny nap, but overall we’re just cuddled really close and he’s like this is really nice, and I’m like yeaah :). Do we have to leave? And he’s like well, we don’t /have/ to do anything.... we could just stay. But I decide that i really want to see the movie, so we cuddle for a bit more and I’m like well we can just come back... and he’s like well, we are coming back. You’re staying over right? And he has his little smile and I’m just like, oh, am I? :P and he’s like well, the weather outside is just so bad, it would be terrible to leave now.... 

We watch the new movie. It’s as awesome as we thought it would be. We cuddled for a bit during the first half and then we just ended up holding hands. We walk back, and he asks what i want to do, and I say that we should probably sleep (cuz I’m tired, and he’s wired for some reason but I know he has to sleep). We brush our teeth and head to bed, and then it turns out he sleeps naked, so he just strips completely, underwear and all, and I’m like uh oh haha you’re making me feel all frisky, and then I climb on top of him again and we make out and then I get off because I assume we’re going to sleep and he’s like where are /you/ going? And then we have round two and I realize that his dick is also pretty nice and curved up and it feels pretty good. He finishes first again, and he goes to clean up, and then I go to pee as he comes back, and then he asks me if i want to finish, and I’m like oh... sure :) because I learned from last time. He tries his best, then he asks me what gets me off. Wasabi told me last time but I think he just knows what he’s doing... or maybe I was just done, Idk. Either way I had to tell skater that it was ok, that it wasn’t going to happen. And he was all like, aw, I’m sorry. Is it me? And of course I say no, it’s not. It’s just me fixating too much on the end result... so I can’t get there. Ugh. Fucking football, ruining my life. Probably should’ve just let him fuck me that night -__-. We cuddle up and go to sleep, except I can’t sleep, and I’m just laying there listening to him breathing. At some point, I wake up and it’s morning, and we’re both kind of groggy, but he’s got like a half-chub going and I’m just reaaaaaaally really wet. Because mornings I am all for it. #Spoiled by football again. We don’t end up pursuing it... I don’t think he was really into it. I asked him about his sex drive and he said maybe 1 or 2 times a day. Like average. I think I’m about a 2 or more times a day now... could be a problem later on. I’m kinda sad we don’t have sex again. But that’s ok.

We finally get out of bed around 11, he asks, after some preoccupied thought, if I want to get food. We head back to the brunch place we originally wanted to try, now with a shorter wait time because of the crappy weather outside. It’s pretty standard fare. I pay for brunch, we randomly bring up religion and race issues, and then make some more small talk. I think I’m still grumpy from the morning, and he’s worried about his exam. We start walking towards the bus stop but I see him hesitate and then I tell him he doesn’t have to walk me if he’s stressed about studying. He has this feel bad look on his face, and then he’s like, are you sure? I should get back to studying. and i’m like no, no, of course. So then we part with a smile and a kiss, and hopefully it will turn out to be better when he’s not stressed? 

So of course I am pissed off af, about the whole condom thing, my head hurts from lack of caffeine and all I can think about is how I have nasty morning breath but somehow his was nice and sweet as always. What the hell? Apparently he also doesn't use deodorant ... And he doesn't smell. What the hell. What kind of shitty Asian genes did I get? I'm both hairy and smelly. Like a regular Sasquatch. So sad. He's very sweet though and offers me a bunch of options but I'm too busy being grumpy cat to appreciate them. We end up curled on the sofa for a bit and he apologizes for killing the mood the night before. I think I tried to reassure him but it came out as growling... Welp. It's a wonder he still wants this to happen.

Fast forward, I get some honey bunches of oats in me, and I’m a little more sociable. With the couch. He keeps glancing over at me and smiling, unsure, rubbing my arm and my side soothingly. He pokes my cheek and I bite my teeth at him. Sometimes I’m really a cat, Idk. It’s a mystery. We get into another talk about I won’t commit. Really, again? I don’t know! I didn’t feel ready at the time... but the boy made me kbbq! I pondered to myself at that moment, what was wrong with me. He’s clearly wifey material. I stared into his hopeful eyes, and I felt panic. I tried to deflect... I sounded corny even to myself. I wanted to play the field, basically. I was trying to see what was out there. He could tell I was getting agitated... he kissed me, trying to make it deeper... his hand sliding under my skirt... we almost christened the couch but made it to the bedroom, at which point he made me cum so hard I almost passed out. He was awfully proud of himself for that one. 

We’re both tired and getting slightly hangry, so he jumps out of bed to make steak for us for lunch (I know! Like, marry me already! Twice in one weekend??)... I revisited my reluctance and couldn’t figure it out, why couldn’t I do it? What was holding me back? I looked over at him, tending the steak in his cast iron pan, cutting the butter carefully to put on top of the steak, and I just let myself fantasize for a while...then it was the steak in my mouth, clouding my judgment. He was sitting next to me at the bar counter, cutting his steak with his one steak knife that we were sharing. I started to picture our future together, and the future looked a lot like that moment. He looked up at me at that moment and smiled, and he pinched my cheek. I think my face wanted to cry, I’d never felt worse than I did in that moment... here was a guy who was willing to put up with me and my morning grumpiness, make me steak for lunch, and still smile and think no less of me? And I couldn’t say yes to him. Everytime he asked, I could feel his confusion, and his hurt when I let that silence stretch on... He asked me, who was I waiting for?

We ended up sitting on the couch again, with my feet in his lap, and I take a little nap, wake up, and he’s dozing too. We’re so old LOL. We end up just building his desk, which took 5 seconds to do, except that he lost the screw that lets you change the leg length and then I helped him figure it out. He was so cute though. There are definitely some things that the non-feminist in me wants him to do, like open doors for me and treat me like some kind of princess... but the stronger feminist in me appreciates that he treats me like an equal, that he lets me do things, and that he accepts that we have different strengths that defy stereotypes. He says hes happy to cook for me in the kitchen and I said I was happy to build all the furniture he has, and other things I’m good at, forever. It was practically a confession of eternal love, and yet....

We’re on the couch, he’s dozing. Ive got my right hand stroking his chest, my left hand I’m on tinder, swiping left. The epitome of blasphemous. I am not proud. I did get a few matches that day. The poor boy, snoozing, he probably knows what I’m up to. He wakes up, its later in the evening now, like almost 5pm. I’d said I was going to leave at that point, because I really had to do grocery shopping and I felt like I needed to escape... but we ended up talking... actually about big dicks... apparently to check condom size, you put your dick in a toilet paper roll... if its loose you need a snug fit, if it fits youre average, and if its too tight.. you need the magnum. WHAT. THE. FUCK?? I just changed out the toilet paper.... THERE ARE DICKS THICKER THAN THIS... NO WAY. I’m crying LOL. He finds out about my traumatic experience with martial arts dude (he’s more like dog boy, really....  Hmm I bet he would give amazing head...OK STOP) and even he’s like wait, why do you want to see him again? I tell him, for closure, but truth be told, I don’t know. He asks me how come I haven’t made an emotional investment yet, how I’m gonna compensate for that when I leave... I don’t know. Ultimately he tires of talking about penises and his curiosity turns to fear when he realizes that I probably talk about these details with my other friends. LOL little does he know....

He offers to buy me dinner of pho, so that’s how I ended up staying the entire weekend. Walking from the restaurant, hand in hand, marveling at the amazing lightning storm above, never felt so right, so natural. And yet...

Moving is a very particular kind of hell. It doesn't seem like it would be difficult, but it's a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, I'm still grateful that I had the help of my roommate's very patient father, or else I would not have been able to get my belongings from one place to another, even though the new apartment was less than a mile away.

But the stress of having to move 75% of my belongings and make a trip to Target (also known as the seventh circle of hell) before heading to a closing shift at work (all after getting less than three hours of sleep and reeling from a terrible fight with my dad) was the definitive catalyst for the situation I would find myself in later that night. 

Work was not going well. All i could think about was going home and crawling into my bed (even though the sheets were at the new apartment) and reenergizing myself for the rest of my move the next day. But none of that was going to happen. While on my break at work, I receive a text message from #4, whom I hadn't heard from in close to two weeks. He apologized for not staying in touch, as he had been out of town and busy with work. When I mentioned that I was working until well after midnight, he suggested that we hang out when I was done. "Oh," I thought to myself. "I guess we're back to this."

I could feel any glimmer of self-respect fade to nothing as I left work to meet him. As I waited for him on a street corner I told myself "This is what empowered women do. This is what empowered women do." While I waited I chain smoked my way through most of my cigarettes, and thought over and over again about giving up and going home. But I wouldn't let myself flake. My phone was about to die and I didn't technically have a bed to sleep on that night. When he finally arrived, I knew he didn't like that I smelled like smoke. I didn't say much as we walked back to his apartment. He asked if I wanted to get a drink, but I knew that in that specific state of mind alcohol would only make things worse. I felt irritable and impatient, but at least there was someone out there who wanted to see me.

In his bedroom, he interrupted what we were doing to ask about my life, how the new job was, etc. I tried to be nice. I wanted to ask "Is this really the appropriate time for these questions?" but instead I responded kindly and vaguely, and asked him about his recent trip. "New Hampshire sounds lovely. Do you have to travel a lot for work?" Without any hesitation, he said "No, I went with my girlfriend."I thought that was a rather odd joke to make while a half-naked female sat in his bed, so I laughed and said "Oh yeah, very funny." He maintained that he was telling the truth, and I said "You're joking" about four more times before I finally believed him.

He couldn't understand why I was so confused. "But... but..." I sputtered as he tried to pick up where we left off. I was not going any further until I got some answers. He told me she went to Los Angeles (where he went to law school), and I shouldn't be surprised as his OK Cupid profile said "Available" rather than "Single." He very clearly does not want to pursue the subject, so, with him assuming that I should have seen this coming and with me becoming more and more confused we continue. 

An hour or so later, I'm wide awake and as he sobers up he realizes how much this is bothering me. "Does she know about this? Is she okay with this?" I ask. He doesn't say yes or no, only "Well, she lives three thousand miles away..." 

I leave when the sun comes up. I grab my things and he says "We should hang out again soon. I've missed you." As I walk home I realize I left my jewelry and phone charger there. I pack my few remaining belongings at the old apartment and walk to the new one. As I enter the door, I greet my roommate with coffee and a bagel and "Have I got a story for you."

I would tell countless people that day what had happened. I needed every perspective I could find, because I didn't know how to feel. A friend from home told me that he sounded like a sleaze, and I shouldn't speak to him again. My roommate told me that I could do what I want, but he isn't allowed inside the apartment. I couldn't know if, at a weak moment, I would be okay with seeing him again. But I did know one thing: I needed those necklaces back. I called him, and walked to his apartment after quite a few drinks with my roommate. He gave me back my things, and told me we should watch The Wire together. As I was about to say goodbye, he said "I think this is the first time I've ever talked to you when I've been sober." I thanked him for meeting me, then turned around and walked home. Suddenly I wasn't so confused anymore.

Coming up next: I turn over a new leaf.

'Til then,