#fictionalcharactersarebetter

Well, this has been one of those weeks. Things keep happening that make me feel like a lame excuse for a human being, and then I have to turn around and tell people nice things about myself that feel forced and insincere. I don’t like talking about myself much to begin with, but, strangely, I’d rather talk about my weaknesses than my strengths. I don’t like bragging. (Actually, let me rephrase that: I don’t like bragging about myself. I brag about other people all the time.) I don’t especially like talking about my flaws either, but I guess I feel like I’d rather make myself vulnerable and risk getting rejected than potentially come across as arrogant or self-absorbed and risk upsetting people and/or pushing them away. I don’t like making myself look better than other people. I think maybe it’s partly a learned behavior, developed over the course of my life to help myself cope with the dilemma of wanting to be liked and appreciated by people who are always making me feel inferior. Reactive Fe, if you will. I am painfully aware of social expectations and power dynamics, and I will do almost anything to avoid conflict when it comes to advocating for myself. (Advocating for other people is another matter entirely.) Occasionally, I will try to assert myself when I feel like I’m being attacked (“Well, I’M good at it too, you know!”) to show that I’m hurt, but that only happens with people who are close to me. The only time I feel truly comfortable talking about myself in a positive light is when I trust the other party completely, when I know that (s)he really likes me and already views me in a positive light and doesn’t have a superiority complex. (In other words…it’s very rare.) When people compliment me, I will usually act pleased, because I genuinely feel pleased…but the pleasure is always accompanied by a twinge of guilt, because I never truly feel like I deserve to feel good about myself, and then I brush the compliment aside in a show of conscience-stricken humility.

Jobs for next school year are starting to be posted, so I’ve been busy updating my resume and writing cover letters. For me, writing cover letters and attending job interviews are collectively one of the most terrifying, uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing things on the planet. Every time I am faced with the prospect of an interview - once the excitement of having been “chosen” has worn off - my brain kinda goes: “Oh, crap. Wait. That means…I have to sit there and talk to complete strangers - who could potentially become my employers - about how AWESOME I am. FOR 30 WHOLE MINUTES.” *promptly dies inside* The interview process feels so disingenuous to me - so ridiculous it’s almost farcical - that I get sick with dread just thinking about it. (We INFJs can tell pretty easily when something smacks of insincerity, and things like job interviews can make us acutely uncomfortable for that reason. It’s also the reason why we aren’t overly fond of “small talk”.) Sometimes I imagine myself (the “interviewee”) as an amateur performer, tap dancing away on a makeshift stage in front of a panel of judges (the interviewers), who know nothing about me other than my seeming ability to execute the carefully rehearsed routine they see, and yet they make serious judgments about me based on my performance and repertoire. So I have no choice but to give ‘em the old razzle dazzle. Crank up the Fe. I dance away, sweating profusely, knowing that, at a moment’s notice, a cartoon cane could swipe in from stage left and drag me away if I stumble over a single step.

And then there’s the whole dating thing. Can I just tell you how much dating stresses me out? I’m the kind of girl who falls in love with her best guy friend after knowing him for ages, never really “seeing” him like that until one day…BAM, it suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks. And I’ve always been that way. It’s my design. For me, developing romantic feelings for someone - like developing any kind of feelings for anyone - has to happen organically, over time. As an INFJ, I get “feelings” about people right away, from the very moment I meet them. First impressions are key to helping me discern how to act around other people and decide whether or not I want to interact with them at all, but, in order for me to get close to someone and open up to him, it takes time and exposure and constancy and consistency. I am a “big picture” person. In order to truly know and trust someone, I have to see that person in lots of different social situations: how he interacts with other people, how he reacts to conflict and confrontation, how he responds in moments of crisis, etc. Once I have a more thorough understanding of who he truly is - what his heart, mind, and soul look like - then I can evaluate how I feel about him and decide whether or not I could commit to being in a relationship with him. (Unfortunately for me, both times I’ve fallen in love in my life, I have fallen in love alone, so a relationship was never really an option anyway.) Until this year, I have never had a good dating experience. Not EVER. Every guy I have gone out with has tried to rush things, tried to pressure me into “being in a relationship” with him before I’m ready to make that commitment - before I even know him well enough to form genuine feelings for him - and I would inevitably get uncomfortable and back out.

For the past few months, I have been dating a couple of really great guys. (At the same time. Yes. But that’s what “dating” is supposed to be, right? You’re getting to know the person to see if you want to be in a relationship with him or not.) Both of these guys are so right for me in so many ways, and clearly both of them like me and see potential in me (we’re still seeing each other, after all). It’s been great. They’re both really laid back and seem content to take things slowly, which is such a relief…and yet, I’m stressing out about it constantly. Instead of things developing “naturally” - becoming friends with no expectations - there’s this instant pressure to “make them like me”, because we’re getting to know each other under the pretext of “I might potentially spend the rest of my life with this person”. *cue internal panic attack* In order to get to know each other, you have to talk about yourselves, and getting to know each other “with intent” means you want to find out about each others’ strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, past and projected futures. Naturally, if you’re me, you want to paint yourself in as positive a light as possible, because you want the other person to like you, and this inevitably strays into “insincere” territory. I am trying so hard to enjoy this experience, but I keep overthinking and overanalyzing it every step of the way, and then I guilt-trip myself for overthinking and overanalyzing, and I just end up going around in circles in my head. Vicious, stressful little circles. And I start worrying that the guy will pick up on the anxiety I’m feeling and decide he doesn’t want to deal with my insecurity, and then I’ll miss out on something with great potential, and I will only have myself to blame. It’s terrible.

These are just two examples. There are others, but I won’t bore you with the mundane details of my silly life. Suffice it to say, I have been under a cloud for the past couple weeks. Then, the other day, out of the blue, I got this ask in my inbox telling me to “say 5 nice things about [my]self publicly”, and I just put my head down on my desk and mumbled something like, “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can’t. I just can’t. You can’t make me.”, and I ignored it for several days. But it got me thinking about how I have been treating myself, and I have come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what I needed right now. If I can’t think of anything nice to say about myself - or say nice things about myself without feeling guilty - then something’s rotten in the state of Oregon, folks. Maybe I need to see it as an exercise in self-advocacy. If I can’t muster up the confidence to say 5 nice things about myself relatively anonymously on the internet to my little band of lovely tumblr friends (who follow me because they like me), how can I expect to convince interviewers and potential boyfriends that they should like me and have confidence in me, too? After all, this person sent me this particular ask because she considers me to be one of her “favorite followers”, right? So I’m going to do it. It took one hell of a pep-talk to get this far, but here I am, taking the plunge. However, I’m going to change the rules a little bit. Instead of just saying 5 nice things about myself, I am going to take it a step further by saying 5 nice things about myself and then making 5 promises to go along with them.

So here goes.

1. I am very good at making other people feel loved, appreciated, needed, respected, and admired. I promise to try harder to allow other people to make me feel loved, appreciated, needed, respected, and admired, without feeling guilty about it. I also promise to try harder to love, appreciate, respect, and admire myself.

2. I am very good at my job. I am a thoughtful, considerate, intelligent, knowledgeable, creative, hardworking, patient, and passionate teacher. I promise to try harder to believe in myself, so that, when I attend interviews, my self-representation will be more genuine and I will exude a quiet confidence that interviewers will sense and be impressed by.

3. I am desirable, and, regardless of whether or not anything comes of it, I have two lovely men in my life who clearly believe this to be true. I promise to try harder not to worry about what they think of me; instead, I will focus on enjoying this experience and learning everything I can from it. I will allow it to bolster my confidence and self-worth.

4. I am a fortress, and I take pride in my strength and the knowledge that the people in my life trust me so deeply and so implicitly that they choose to come to me - above all others - for help and comfort when they need it. I promise to try harder to push past my fear of “being a burden” to others and ask for help when I need it, too. I don’t have to open up to others completely if I don’t feel comfortable doing so; I just have to find the courage to ask for support from the people I trust.

5. I am talented and possess many qualities that other people hold in high regard. I promise to try harder to allow myself to revel in the joy I feel when other people compliment me, without giving in to the little voice in my head that tells me I am unworthy. I will dispel the nagging guilt and remind myself that it is okay to feel pride and pleasure when someone offers me a compliment; I owe myself that much.