#fffffffffff--

I wish I had been able to suck it up with the physics class last spring and work harder and pay for my schooling.

I wish I didn't have to keep dropping classes and missing the chance to get ahead because I'm broke.

I wish I could get out and actually live or something. Like meet people or see places.

But I'm broke and everything comes to that even when I really wish it didn't. I mean I know I don't have to do anything right now but I've basically been sitting around for the last year. Not a whole year I guess, but a long time. Half a year, at least.

It doesn't seem like such a long time when you consider that I have time. Technically. I mean, I can sleep the rest of today and get on with things tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day. Or in a week. Or another month. But like. I only have 60 years. I've already spent 21 dicking around and learning the rules.

60 years sounds like a long time. But it's only 22,000 days. A little less than, technically. That's 525,600 hours. That's not nearly as many as it seems, or as many as you’d expect. And I don't want to waste them.

But I have no idea what else to do. I have no money, nobody in the area is hiring, I can't go to school, I've applied to tons of scholarships but in the end stopped trying because it never worked. I know I need to keep trying, but it’s so hard when nothing turns out and all you do is get shot down despite your best efforts. I don't want to waste more time and learn nothing and do nothing and leave nothing behind. But I have no idea what to do. It's not as easy as just getting up and going.

I mean I know situations vary. But. I think the worst thing of all is wanting out and not having a way. Being stuck in a nice cage is still being confined. Sure there are perks, and I can't deny that. But it's still stifling and I want out but I have no idea how.

And every hour I sit here doing nothing and feeling myself do nothing - don't get me wrong, don't misunderstand, taking time for things I like doing is not wasting time, is not doing nothing - the hours on the computer refreshing the page waiting for something to happen, staring at my walls and wishing I was anywhere else, that is wasting time. And I feel like I'm dying inside with every wasted hour. That's time I can't get back, and I used it on precisely nothing. And I hate it.