“ you’re enough. you’re more than enough. ” ( from fenrys ! )
nesta didn’t know how it happened, how she became a weeping mess in front of fenrys. the icy walls that she had spent years building and perfecting had splintered. shattered thanks to this male before her. the truth came tumbling out like a tidal wave, a cluster of words and sobs; starting at her childhood, going into the years suffering in the cottage, continuing with being forced into the cauldron and the aftermath of the war, then ending at the reason why she had fled prythian to come here. the true reason she had joined aelin’s court. she had been such an embarrassment to feyre they wanted to force her into the house of wind to train with cassian or be sent back to the human realm. it felt like a knife through the heart, no matter how hard she tried to pretend as if it didn’t bother her.
what a disgrace she had become, a pathetic waste of life as amren had said. it was true and it was hitting her so sharply, so deeply, it felt like a wound that would not stop bleeding no matter how she tried to cover it. the drinking, the sex, it wasn’t just to stifle the power she had stolen. it was pure escapism for her, to be out of her own head because she hates herself, hates the parts of her that are cold and cruel. she felt like a rabid wolf that had to be put down otherwise she would destroy everyone in her path. from a young age nesta felt as if she had been born wrong, even being made a high fae couldn’t stop that feeling. the feeling of being different from the others, from being an outsider looking in.
“don’t,” she hiccupped and began furiously wiping the tears streaming down her face. feeling too exposed with the closeness to fenrys and the truth she laid bare, she stood up and walked away from him. she tried focusing on rebuilding the walls within her, wanted to close herself off again, to not feel any of this. it hurt too much to let everything in, she hated crying, hated having people know how violently she feels, how she drowns in it. coming off as cold and closed off was easier than this, it was easier to turn her back on someone rather than be vulnerable with them.
her chest rose and fell rapidly while trying to calm herself. she now stood near the window, her eyes focusing on the scenery outside of it. her throat bobbed, “don’t tell me i’m enough. i was not enough to help my youngest sister, i was not enough to save my other sister from being thrown into the cauldron then kidnapped by the king, i was not enough to stop the king from snapping my father’s neck.” her eyes did not leave that window, too much of a coward to face fenrys while she spoke for she knew there was a great chance of her becoming undone again. her lip curled into a snarl, “i will never be enough, i fail at everything that matters. i even fail at being a sister. it’s no wonder she wanted me gone, in the human realm and here. i would want me gone too.”
