#fey talks

As a trans man, I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere in the lgbt+ community because I’ll never be attractive to anyone (which is why I ID as queer but even then I feel outcast) and it…. it really hurts sometimes. I’m simultaneously too masculine and not masculine enough.

in the men who are attracted to men spaces, most people when they see me think I’m a twink because of being short/small and/or for being trans/nonbinary. They think I’m hairless, feminine, boyish, submissive, etc. I’m…. at this point in my life I am really really not. Testosterone has made me male and everything that entails. I’ve gained (healthy! good for me!) weight and my stomach sticks out, I’m covered in body hair, I am partway to balding. All the things that are conventionally unattractive about men. All the things that are demonized in trans men. I’m too masculine to fit their idea of a nonbinary person. But masculine in “the wrong way”. I have to either be muscular/fit or small and hairless to be wanted here. I don’t even count as a bear, you’d probably just call my shape a “dad bod”. This isn’t just some vague feeling I get in these spaces- people have legit said to me “oh I love twinks” or “oh I love femboys” and I have to awkwardly explain that no I’m not one actually. I’m not what they want me to be. And I’m really tired of people placing that expectation on me- that I’m a slender hairless twink who is submissive and likes bottoming. Just because I’m small and/or trans. so gross. 

and then in the women who are attracted to men spaces well… they’d never look twice at me. I’m short and not at all muscular/toned/fit. Again, I have gained weight, am hairy, and halfway to bald. Bedsides not being conventionally attractive- they usually want a man who can “provide”. I am disabled and can’t work. I can’t drive. I can’t give them flowers or pick them up for a date. I can’t be any of the things they’re looking for in a partner. Being disabled makes me seen as “less than”. Being dependent on other people is a trait that is endlessly mocked in men. I’m not masculine enough. 

so where the fuck does that leave me? I’m not even going to talk about how being aromantic in queer spaces alienates me further. I love testosterone, I love what it’s done for me and how I feel healthier on it. But like. fuck. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be attractive to anyone. I never get to feel pretty or handsome. I never get to feel happy about my appearance anymore and that makes me so sad. I used to derive so much joy from picking out outfits and accessorizing and applying glittery make up. I’m too sick to leave the house ever so I don’t do those things anymore, besides the fact that I *can’t* present feminine anymore without risking my safety. People would assume I’m a trans woman and act accordingly because they see a man attempting to be feminine. I am fully man and fully nonbinary, but I never get to exist as both at the same time. I can’t be feminine without people invalidating/forgetting my manhood. I can’t be masculine without people invalidating/forgetting my nonbinary-ness. I’m too masculine for nonbinary spaces and too nonbinary for masculine spaces. I just…….. I get incredibly sad about this.

anyway

I’ve never been one for spells or deity worship although I really tried at first. I tried to make it work. But if I’m being honest it all feels silly and fake and like I’m playing pretend. I see all these other pagans/polytheists/witches really vibing with their practice and truely believing in it, talking to spirits and deities. I can’t… I can’t seem to do that? It makes me feel… disconnected? alienated? from humanity, the fact that I can’t. Because religion and spirituality are deeply human things- the drive for ritual and tradition is so engrained into us as a species. And I can’t? seem to do that?? no matter how hard I try??? I don’t really know how to describe it and it might be connected to being schizoid. Barely anything feels truely real to me because my ego is split (the “false” self that is presented to the world and the “true” self locked high in a tower away from any emotions). It’s a personality disorder, I don’t know if the split will ever heal. So what am I to do?

Genuinely, I have no idea where to start. I know I feel strongly called towards my ancestors and the things they believed. Irish, Scottish, and Welsh polytheism/paganism calls to me and so does Quakerism. But I don’t know if I believe in any deities in the sense of them being deities. I vibe with animism- with believing that everything has “god” or spirit or “awen” inside of them. Humans are just another animal that exists within nature. And maybe deities don’t exist in the sense of them being a named person from a certain culture but like… maybe they are a spirit representing/originated from/inhabiting different domains and ideas and concepts. Like a spirit that contains war and battle and sovereignty in all that it means (even though that god would have different names in different cultures) or a spirit that contains hospitality and shelter and hearth fire and healing. I’m not sure I’m expressing this properly. I’m not even sure this is right.

This reddit post has the comments locked now but it and all the responses rubbed me the wrong way so here’s a PSA that all cis people need to be aware of. (cw for frank discussion of genitals)

So first, I think it’s INCREDIBLY WEIRD that cis people automatically assume that if someone is trans, they have the genital set up associated with their assigned gender. Like bottom surgery exists and a fair number of people get it. Not everyone who was assigned male at birth has a penis. Like. Why is that so hard to understand? And bottom surgery has some great results nowadays. Sometimes you can’t tell it’s surgery by looking at it and sometimes you can and both are ok. This isn’t even touching on intersex people who might have genitals not typically associated with their assigned gender or they may have had a non applicable gender assigned to them at birth. I’m really tired of the bioessentialism. Not all trans women are women with penises and not all trans men are men with vulvas. Not all people who were assigned female at birth currently have a vulva and not all people who were assigned male at birth currently have a penis. It’s incredibly arrogant to assume otherwise. If you do have a genital preference then tell the person ahead of time so they can bail or get to know them first like an actual person.

but SECONDLY, trans genitals (on HRT) are completely different from cis genitals even if the basic anatomy is the same. Hormones are incredibly powerful stuff. Like dicks on estrogen have a completely different mouth feel, vulvas on testosterone have a larger clitoris/little dick. And hormones will also change the smell of the genitals. It’s definitely noticeable. Also the fluids produced during sex will have a different taste and/or texture. HRT changes the entire experience. Usually the people with a genital preference have these expectations that trans genitals are exactly like cis genitals and that’s the ENTIRE problem behind having said preference. It’s a completely different experience. You might be pleasantly surprised because regardless of whether she has a vulva or a penis, you’re still going to be having sex with a woman. Having sex with a trans women who has a penis is a very different experience than having sex with a cis man who has a penis. Trans women are still women, not a different species, not something halfway between man and woman. And trans men are still men, they’re not something between man and woman either.