#fessing up

Tonight, I told Dean every lie that I've ever told. I was completely honest and, for the first time in months, the feeling of life not being real dissipated and I was left with the mess that I had created. I realized that I've been lying because I don't think that people will love me for the person that I am and I feel they won't care if I told them what has really happened to me. Tonight, I realized that being honest is the only way to really feel love, to receive love and to forgive myself.

So, for anyone I have lied to, here it is. I have never once gone into cardiac arrest. I've never really tried to commit suicide. I did not meet my father. My grandfather was never sick. I never changed my own oil on my own. I was never pregnant. I have never really lost anyone close to me. My mother never left, although she has threatened to. I was not raped or beaten this summer. I have never been raped.

Why did I lie? Because I was afraid. Because I felt all of these feelings, had all of these fears that I was afraid to admit to. I was afraid of what would happen if they came true. And I was afraid to admit the things that had really happened to me. I was afraid to admit that really, I'm still heartbroken that Dennis abandoned us. I'm still heartbroken that I was supposed to have a little brother that my mother aborted because she was with an abusive asshole. I'm still heartbroken that the relationship with my mother is now burned to ashes because I hate her for forcing me to hold all of these things inside, never muttering a word about any of it until tonight. I hate her for making me hide the pain I felt from the abortion, from all of the abandonment and cruel words, from the hands that hit me and the fears that linger because of the terrible people that have come and gone in my life.

I lied because it was easier to "deal" with these fake events in my life than deal with these overlying fears. It was easier to "deal" with fake trauma than it was to deal with the real thing. I never thought that what I really went through was trauma - to my mother, I was just an overdramatic child that didn't deserve to complain. Looking back, I realize that anyone that went through what I did as a child deserves a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen and comfort you. Because it's only human to want to be loved, to not be alone in a time of hardship.

I don't know what the status is of my relationship, and it's something that's giving me a lot of pain right now. But honestly, I wouldn't take this back for the world. I wanted to be honest, I wanted to relieve everyone of the burden of lies. It was weighing me down. It was killing me. I will do anything and everything to ensure that I will never lie again. I will write it down every time I want to and tell myself why I shouldn't, remind myself that I, as a human being, deserve love and compassion no matter what mistakes I have made. And that's what this was. A very big mistake. Hopefully, the ones that truly love me will be able to forgive me in time, but I'm not counting on it. I am praying that things will be okay. The only thing that I am sure of right now is that this is rock bottom and I refuse to sink lower. I am going to recover, I will get better. I will not cut myself, I will not purge, I will not restrict what I eat, I will not hit myself and most importantly, I will never lie again in my life. That is a promise. Not to any of you, but to myself. Because I don't deserve to commit mental suicide, I don't deserve to go through that kind of pain. And no one around me deserves to feel that way ever again.

So hopefully anyone reading this will be able to forgive me. My hope is that if I'm able to forgive myself and move on from this, anyone that loves and cares about me will be able to, also.

So here is a formal apology. I am sorry for lying, for leading you to believe that I have gone through things that I haven't. From the bottom of my heart, I regret every lie that I have ever told. If I could pinky promise each one of you that I would never lie again, I would. But that wouldn't mean much, now would it? I'll show you that I'm changing. I'll show you that a new person is going to come out of this, because no matter what happens with anyone that reads this, no matter what happens with Dean... this is a life changing experience. And I am going to change. Because no one deserves to live this way and no one deserves to deal with me when I am like this. This is a life changing experience that I will not take for granted. I will recover from my eating disorder, from self-harm, from lying and I will recover from this devastation.

Love always,

Okay that would be great! It’s at 3, so after all of my classes. Thank you Momma. I thought about asking Dad, but I don’t know if he’d want to come.

Alright. So remember that post how I was all "I'M GOING TO BE SO AWESOME AND WORK OUT ALL WEEK AND TRACK MY FOOD AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND NOT MAKE EXCUSES?"

To be honest, my friends, I pretty much did the opposite of all those things. My emotions have been so up and down. I can't wait to go back to counseling on Monday. - What?! I dunno. It's been a few weeks now and I am looking forward to getting some things off my chest.

tl;dr? I didn't commit to my plan this week because I don't have one. I am reaching out for more help from all of you, while being grateful and greedy about the help and love you've all poured out, and am trying to fall in love with myself again.

It's hard to not feel lonely for me. I live in a 2 story, 3 bedroom house by myself. This week I'm watching my parents' dog and have managed to use having her as an excuse to not workout.

But you can take the dog for a walk, you say? Yeah, I did that. But it's not a workout to me. I haven't done my video, or the exercise bike, or the gym. I haven't been to the gym in a few weeks. Now that the half marathon is over, I don't have a regimen to follow. And while the regimen I did have mentally and motivationally exhausted me (not to mention physically), it kept me honest a simple majority of the time. 

So what to do now? I don't want to do another half for a while; I'm thinking Disney or PF Changs in 2013. I want to start cycling but I don't really know the best way to start training and while I have friends who bike, they're all F.A.F. (fit as fuck) and I don't want to slow them down by asking them to take me out. I've got appointments almost all week after work and then I don't want to go to the gym.

I've got a lot of excuses, don't I?

Today, I gave in to some of my "weaker" moments, I guess. For breakfast - Venti Peppermint White Mocha (made as "skinny" as possible, including minimizing pumps - but still) and a cheese danish. Coffee alllll the day long at work. Including creamer. At lunch, I had some homemade vegetable stew/soup concoction but only had half what I brought; it was all I was hungry for. Some saltine crackers. I had some chocolates. I had the things I wanted, when I wanted them. I just had a bowl of whole grain penne with arugula, feta, and sundried tomatoes with balsamic vinegar. It's after 10pm. But I was hungry. 

Today, I listened to my body. I took the dog for a brief walk. I was gentle with myself. I said moment by moment, I will get through today.

I know that WIW next week will probably not show a loss. The other day I stepped on the scale and it said 190. I haven't been back on it. I want to know but I don't want see it over 190. My clothes are still fitting fine, so I'm not entirely concerned, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment and restarting the cycle.

I know this is a long post, and if you've made it this far down, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's disjointed and a little crazy, but I wanted to get this all out. Thank you to the special few who reached out to me directly during the hard moments, it meant more than you know. I haven't responded to all of you yet, because in the meanwhile, the simple kindness you showed me remains a cherished gift, and selfishly, I don't want to lose a part of that by thanking you and closing out the things you said (that's sort of how my head works).

I don't know what I'm going to do exactly to get back on my plan. I don't have a plan yet. I need your help, friends. Help me with a plan. You've reminded me that I am worth this fight for my health and my happiness. I know that I'm not entirely alone. This week has been especially difficult for me with what is happening in the news and all the triggers that come along with it. I need to get a handle on those. I'm going to talk to the therapist about it. I'm getting a handle on my drinking, because I don't need the empty calories and it's been a very inefficient way of dealing with my problems.