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i felt guilty about my parents spending money on me or even spending time with me when it seemed liked adults were much happier without children. i couldn’t imagine why they chose to have kids when it seemed like they constantly wanted the money and time we took away from them.

and as an older child, i would have even strangers comment to my parents “just wait til she’s a teenager” as if i would become this terrible monster that would make them miserable. those comments weren’t based on me in particular, just the general agreement that teenagers were awful. but it made me feel like it was only a matter of time before my parents hated me for something i couldn’t control and further cemented my belief that i was inconvenient, expensive, something to be complained about and gotten rid of as soon as possible. 

One year ago today I spent the entire day excited to have plans with you only to be told not to come over. Not that day and not ever again. Our relationship had already had its rocky moments up to that point, but our love was so strong, so intense, that I thought it would outlast any obstacle. I was wrong. And it wasn’t until recently that I finally saw how wrong I was. 

As I sat in that Taco Bell parking lot, crying hysterically over your declaration of un-love, I refused to believe that it was over. So much so that as the weeks went by, I desperately tried to get you back. Eventually, you caved and we gave it another shot. Once again, it didn’t work out. We fell back into each other’s love a few times over the next few months, but it always ended the same, always ended in a heartbreak unlike anything we’d ever expected to feel. I don’t know why we’d never expect it, why we’d think that this next time would be different.

That otherwise gorgeous fall afternoon, in that abandoned Taco Bell parking lot, something inside of me was changed. I had never felt heartbreak, never felt betrayal like that before, and I’ll likely never feel a heartbreak that strong ever again. I was broken. I couldn’t get out of bed for days. Entire work shifts were spent trying to hide my tears from customers. I was a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and my depression marred even the sunniest of days.

My therapist recommended I start a journal for every time I had an anxiety attack or a breakdown, since I insisted that there was no one cause that was specifically attributing to my attacks. Within weeks I had an entire notebook filled with declarations of love, heartbreak, confusion, and oh so many tears, all over you. You truly broke me. Even when I thought that I wasn’t thinking about you, that my panic attack was caused by stress or work or something like that, once I started writing about it, the truth came out. You were on every page. Your heartbreak was my only truth.

As time went on, and as we tried and failed to make it work time and time again, it became easier and easier to let you go, yet it was still near-impossible to come to terms with the fact that it was over each time it would end. Perfectly good relationships that I had with other people were ruined by the fact that deep down I was still burning a flame for you and only you. Of course they never knew that that was the reason, that their feelings that it “just isn’t working out” was because I wasn’t emotionally available enough for them because all of my emotions were still invested in you. You of course saw other people as well, a sign that should have meant that it was over but just acted as a dagger through my heart. It was somehow alright for me to dull the pain of you by searching for love in another but the mere thought of you doing the same sent me off the deep end.

I was manic. You sent me down such a dark hole of depression, confusion, and anxiety that I’m surprised I managed to come out. In fact, I didn’t just come out of that hole, I defeated it. The gaping wound you left in my soul has healed and you can barely even tell that there was a scar there at all. The last time we tried and failed to give it another shot, I knew it was the last time. Absolutely no part of me wanted to fight anymore. Absolutely no part of me even felt remorse that it was over. I’m not quite sure how I was able to pull myself out from under your spell, but I am so glad that I did. 

I finally began to see your mind games as abuse and how unhealthy our patterns of breaking up and then getting back together were. It was because of our never-fully-ended relationship that I wasn’t able to trust anyone, even myself, enough to hold a relationship, let alone a friendship. It was because of you that I still feel like I’m never good enough for anyone or anything - not enough for my friends, not enough for another lover, not enough for my job, and certainly not enough for my dream job. That is really the biggest obstacle I have left to overcome in the aftermath of you.

well, what can i say about me? my name is alexa, i’m 22 years old from mexico. i like going to concerts, watching movies, playing videogames, etc. i pretty much go with the flow. an important part i should mention is that in the past year i feel like i’ve grown as a person and learnt a lot about myself and my own worth.

i feel like i’m the kind of person who always leaves out little details about oneself, i just don’t know what’s relevant about me but if someone wants to find out, i’m pretty much an open book once you have my trust.

i’m a digital communication major. i’m kinda passionate about and i would like to be involved with music (in editorial/photography/music video production) and pretty much any other audiovisual media like film or tv, whether it’s tv series or shows. right now i’m an instructor at an english learning center and it was kinda tough at first cause i have a little social anxiety, but communicating in english is one of the things i’m better at, since spanish is my first lenguage.

i hope to save enough money to move to mexico city in about a year

Application + Network Badge (if accepted) Hi there! We’re starting a network so that everyone who wishes can use the #femsplain network tag to talk about life, self love (selfies), vent/rant, get advice, make new friends, etc! The application process is super easy and you will be most likely be accepted, we just want to make sure you really want to be a part and will take it seriously.