#fellow!ava

Sarah didn’t show up for rounds one day and Ava was mildly concerned

Because this was only about a week after her avoidant moment and Ava knew she hadn’t been in the best mindset

She went to ask Goodwin about it because it was customary when a student didn’t show to double check and apparently Sarah had called in

Ava really tried to leave it alone

Maybe Sarah was just sick

So she went about her day and let surgeries be a distraction 

Until the next day Sarah wasn’t there still

Ava was completely preoccupied her whole shift

Connor was surprisingly the first to pick up on it

Mostly because he found Ava in the locker room before a pre op typing away on her phone

He was of course annoyed with her and was like “Ava you’re not seriously stalling a pre op meeting for whoever you’re texting”

Ava just shook her head because she wasn’t in the mood to argue

So she didn’t push him away when Connor peaked over her shoulder

A long winded email thread boasted Sarah’s name at the top

“You seriously don’t have her number?”

“That’s not very professional, Connor. She’s my student.”

“So why are you blowing off work to message her?”

So Ava conceded and told him her worries

And it was really that moment where Connor realized Sarah meant a lot of Ava

Not just in the way him and Sam teased her about

Like Ava clearly cared about the med student a lot to check in on her like this

And in a way he got it

Ava was still surprised when he didn’t press it anymore

Just elbowed her gently and said “she’ll come back when she’s ready. Just come do the pre-op, Avey.”

Connor calling her Avey has been on my mind all week

So she did eventually go back to her work

And Sarah responded eventually

“Sorry, Ava. Family trouble, I had to go see my mom.”

Ava didn’t really believe her

Maybe she did go back to Connecticut

But it didn’t sit right that she hadn’t told Ava and she wasn’t responding to her

It just wasn’t like her

And maybe Ava was super anxious until she saw Sarah again <3

The backstory to this tsf which I may actually write as a oneshot

Ava had been called to the NICU

A baby was born premature with hypoplastic left heart syndrome

He also had transposition of the great vessels (aorta and pulmonary artery are switched)

She was called to consult but the second she saw his heart on the echo she knew there wasn’t anything she could do

The neonatologist knew that but needed the confirmation

The mother was in surgery, complications during her emergency c-section

And the father refused to leave the surgical waiting area

Ava broke the news to him up there

“Your son has a critical heart defect. Given his weight and the state of the organ I cannot ethically recommend surgery.”

“What are you saying?”

“Unfortunately his body is not receiving enough oxygen and we can only make him comfortable. His organs will begin to shut down, we’ve already seen indications of liver failure.”

The father was silent

He stared at Ava for a while but then turned away, returning to his pacing of the hallway

She was taken aback but couldn’t help but explain again

“Sir, I’m afraid your son does not have long. If you would like to hold him…”

“No,” he said firmly, “Cassie should be the one to hold him first.”

“I don’t think-”

“I’m not leaving until she’s okay.”

So Ava went back to the NICU

She couldn’t stop herself even though she had other things to do

She knew medically this baby would not survive until his mother was out of surgery and stable enough to see him

And Ava knew far too much about grieving fathers to know she shouldn’t push him to see his son

She couldn’t bear the idea of this baby dying alone in that incubator

They had given the child painkillers, though he did not have the energy to show any indication of his pain

He wasn’t on the vent because they knew it would do nothing, his heart was not connected properly to sustain a proper rhythm or oxygenate him at all

Ava tried so hard to be careful as she picked him up from the bed, the infant fitting almost in one hand alone

He was cyanotic and cold, even as she wrapped a blanket around him and held him close she knew his body couldn’t hold any heat

And so she stood, holding the baby close because no one deserved to die without knowing a little comfort

Ava had never been one to do this, it felt like a boundary a surgeon shouldn’t cross in most moments

But this was different

He was so little and she knew every single thing that was going wrong in that moment

The clock on the wall said half an hour had passed, the infant’s breathing hoarse and barely there

He was mouth breathing and each inhale shook him

Ava knew it was time

All she could do was press a kiss to his tiny head and watch helplessly as the monitor flatlined

And Ava was shaking when she reached out to silence the tone

A nurse came in then, she had been hovering outside because she didn’t want to disturb the doctor

But Ava knew she couldn’t stay and risk bursting into tears

So she let the nurse take the baby and she left the NICU

Beelining for the elevator to the roof because she couldn’t stand being in the building

Ava found herself standing by the guard rail of the roof

And she let the tears starts

Even though she hated how helpless it made her feel

Sarah didn’t budge, rather she nudged the door open with her hip and slipped inside the lounge. The click of the door made the surgeon scowl but she didn’t look up, which Sarah noted observantly. Ava was never this dismissive with her, not since they got closer, and being shut out made her nervous.

“What’s wrong, Ava?”

“Nothing,” her tone was thick with enough emotion to say otherwise. The blonde shifted from her perch on the couch, looking ready to flee at a moment’s notice. She kept her gaze trained on a discarded paper cup on the table, one that bore Connor’s name scrawled on the side.

“I highly doubt that,” she retorted, making her way across the room. She was pushing it, she knew that, but she couldn’t leave Ava like this. She knew her mentor left a lot of stuff bottled up and the last thing she needed was to explode at the next stressor.

“Reese,” Ava warned lowly, annoyed at the student’s sudden confidence. Of course, she couldn’t be truly upset about that, since she was the one who insisted upon helping her build it. Still, it was majorly inconvenient when she wanted to wallow in silence alone.

“Ava, you aren’t going to scare me away. You can talk to me about anything, you know?”

The blonde finally looked up at her, shocking her a little. With tear-filled eyes glaring a hole into her scrubs, Sarah realized Ava definitely was not okay. Her fist clenched into the hem her own shirt, she huffed before finally giving Sarah an answer.

“I just had a premature HLHS baby die in my arms because his parents couldn’t be there,” her words were shaky enough that the venom in them didn’t land, “So excuse me if I’m not being polite.”

Speaking the words was what caused the dam to break, though. Sarah saw the way she clenched her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears. That’s what had her closing the distance between them, risking a harsh scolding because all she wanted to do was make sure Ava was okay.

“Hey,” she crouched down in front of the couch cautiously, “I’m not your student right now, okay? Let me be a friend for just a few minutes, please.”

That gentle request tore a muffled sob from the other woman, making Sarah’s heart break a little more. She was standing in seconds, nudging Ava over so she could sit beside her on the lumpy seat. She saw how stiff the blonde was, clearly using all her power to not let her emotions take complete control. A gentle hand on her knee was enough to bring her guard down, though, and she looked over at Sarah.

“I can’t-”

Sarah had hoped no one would notice, though she quickly realized her body gave itself away all too easily. No amount of caffeine could hide the sluggishness in her movements, her limbs feeling heavier than lead. If it wasn’t that it was probably the way her voice held no cheerful tone like it usually did, instead her words fell flat and had April casting her concerned glances.

She kept to herself that day, all too exhausted to even try to be social. As long as she made it through her clinical hours she could go home and sleep, at least for a few hours. She hadn’t gotten more than six the past few days, instead pouring over her textbooks that had taken their rightful place strewn across the floor. The exam for her latest rotation was coming up and Sarah was feeling the anxiety far more than usual. That was at the fault of her mother, though the woman would say it was her daughter’s problem alone.

“Sarah, you need to stop worrying over such silly things,” she had told her over the phone, “The only thing you should focus on is school.”

“Mom…”

“Now, you know how important this is. You don’t have time for friends, it will only slow you down. My daughter will be a doctor, right? You wouldn’t let me down after all this money I’ve sent…”

It always ended like that, the passive aggressive cherry on top of narcissism. Her mother wasn’t maternal in the slightest, though she would still use her relationship to Sarah for her benefit. Sure she made certain Sarah had all the money she needed to be successful, but it all came with a price. She was expecting her daughter to make a name for herself as a doctor, which would of course leave room for bragging and manipulation on Elizabeth’s part. Sarah’s whole future rested on her mother’s money as much as it did her own success, which was an unfortunate feat she was beginning to despise.

“Reese,” if she hadn’t already been sitting down, the sudden voice on her right could have knocked her off her feet. She winced at her own jumpiness, turning to look at Connor sheepishly.

“Dr. Rhodes,” she pushed a scrap piece of medical tape into her textbook before letting it fall shut on the marked page, “Hi.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah… yes of course. Just getting some studying in.”

“Uh huh,” he looked at her for a moment and Sarah knew she probably wasn’t helping her case by looking like a whole mess, “Ava was looking for you.”

Usually a mention of her mentor would immediately grab her attention and send Sarah scurrying off to find out what she wanted. This day, however, she wanted to do the opposite. Ava could see through her in seconds and Sarah didn’t have the energy to be chastised for being spacey or distracted. She was burnt out and as much as she enjoyed being on the surgeon’s service she would much rather go home.

“Oh?” Was all she said, getting to her feet. She checked her watch, realizing it was just in time for her break to begin. Sarah gathered her textbook along with her glasses she had opted to wear that day instead of contacts. One more look at Connor preceded her reply, “I’ll go find her in a bit then.”

She didn’t look back at the fellow but she knew he was probably watching her in confusion, her attitude much different than usual. Usually she would be following after Ava like a lost puppy, so the fact that she didn’t even ask where she was was wildly out of character. Sarah didn’t have the time to worry too much about it though, a chirp from her phone letting her know her mother had more to say to her.

***

“Check on your med student.”

“What?” The look Connor got from his colleague was a guarded one, clearly she didn’t know where this was going. Connor and Sam had been pestering her for a while about her soft spot for Sarah Reese, so Ava had become accustomed to assume teasing would ensue at any mention of her.

“She looks like a mess today,” he said as he snatched a chip from the bag she had been munching on, “Bloodshot eyes and way more jumpy than usual, and that’s saying something.”

“What happened?”

Connor shrugged but couldn’t help the little smirk at how concerned Ava immediately became, “Don’t know. That’s why you should check on her.”

***

Ava found her in the locker room reserved for med students and interns, thanks to one of Sarah’s classmates who pointed their instructor in the right direction. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she nudged the door open but what she got was a bit of a shock.

Sarah was sitting in front of her locker, knees pulled up to her chest and her grey scrubs already a bit dusty from the floor. She was staring blankly at the textbook propped up on the bench, completely unfocused from the words. She mustn’t have heard Ava come in because she didn’t react, the only sound being a sniffle.

“Sarah?”

Just like Connor had pointed out, she jumped far more than she had ever before. Ava knew the medical student was on edge most days, but this seemed a bit concerning. That worry only grew when she came around the corner to face Sarah properly, not expecting quite the sight she found.

Sarah’s eyes were swollen and red, as though she had been crying for quite some time. That theory was pretty much proven by the tears tracking down her ruddy cheeks, leaving little stains where they landed on her top. Her hands shook as they worried the fabric over her knees, a rhythmic movement that must have been an unconscious thought. The med student looked like she hadn’t slept for days or like she had been to Hell and back; or maybe both.

“D-doctor Bekker,” she looked up in alarm at her mentor, very deer-in-the-headlights as if she was terrified of what she might say. Something told Ava it wasn’t a coincidence that she hadn’t seen Sarah at all that day, since the other woman looked like she had been caught red handed by just the person she didn’t want to see.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Ava was crouching beside her without a thought, “What happened to formalities making you nervous?”

“I-”

“Sarah, what’s wrong?”

The brunette’s rapid head shake sent rouge curls tumbling into her line of vision, “Nothing! I’m fine.”

“Oh yeah you definitely look fine,” she was a bit shocked with the casual way Ava dropped onto the ground beside her, seeming unlike the focused surgeon she knew. Ava should be working, not sitting on the dirty locker room floor with her medical student who had spent the whole day avoiding her like the plague. Still, she showed no signs of leaving without an explanation, which made Sarah sigh.

“My cardio rotation exam is coming up…”

“Yes and? We’ve been preparing for this for weeks, Reese. You know the content like the back of your hand.”

“I don’t… it’s not that easy,” she protested, “If I don’t do perfect on every exam from here on out I might not match into the program I want. I need to be perfect, Ava.”

“No, don’t do that. You aren’t allowed to psych yourself out like this. You will do just fine, I didn’t train you to hide from the scary stuff now did I?”

“No…”

The blonde nodded affirmatively, “Exactly. So you’ve been studying and not sleeping, I take it?”

Sarah scoffed, “What gave it away?”

“The bags under your eyes are bigger than Connor’s ego,” she teased, “Plus the fact that you haven’t put that textbook away all day and you’re shaking like you do when you’re living off of caffeine.”

“Not fair,” Sarah sighed, “Don’t psychoanalyze me; that’s doctor Charles’ job.”

“Oh I would never take his job,” Ava replied, “I have a hateful relationship with Sigmund Freud and refused to do psych after med school.”

That was what finally got a smile out of Sarah, though it was followed by an incredulous headshake. Of course Ava would say something silly or unrelated to make her feel a bit better, she always did. She shifted uncomfortably on the hard flooring, looking at her mentor cautiously.

“Why are you here, Ava?”

“Because I needed to check on you.”

“You have other things to do…”

“Sarah, you’ve been spacey and avoiding me all day. I can’t very well let my star med student blow off rounds just to sit on this Petri dish of a floor and cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, just tell me what’s really wrong so I can help.”

“I told you… exams.”

“Yeah but exam stress doesn’t often make you look like you’ve been crying for hours straight. What happened, Sarah?”

She knew she was backed into a corner, very aware of Ava’s concerned, stern eyes watching her every move. It’s not that she didn’t want to talk to her, Ava was probably the only person she wanted to talk to about this, but it wasn’t that simple.

“Exams are coming up; I’m moving to neuro in a couple weeks.”

“Yes? What… oh.” The surgeon seemed to have a sudden realization about what really was wrong. She sighed, slumping back against the locker beside Sarah’s before replying, “Reese, are you upset you won’t be on my service anymore?”

“Don’t say it like that,” she couldn’t help the whine in her tone, “I know I’m being a baby about it, just forget it.”

“No, Sarah,” the comforting hand that fell on her knee made her jump a bit, “It’s okay to be upset about it. I know you weren’t all too excited for CT in the beginning so it’s… rather endearing that you like it so much now.”

Sarah’s cheeks flamed at that and she tried to hide them behind her hands, not replying. She hated how upset the thought of rotation change made her, especially since she never even wanted to do cardio. Pathology was going to be her specialty in the end so that’s the residency she was applying for. She had no reason to feel so attached to cardiothoracics, not to mention the gut wrenching worry that Ava would forget about her.

“Hey,” Ava nudged her gently, “Sarah?”

“My mom is on my ass,” she admitted suddenly, “She’s very controlling and our whole relationship is based on money. She expects me to only think about school and stop ‘playing around’ in clinicals because I’m supposed to go to path in the end. That’s why I wanted to hate cardio, I shouldn’t have gotten attached.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she shook her head, “It’s irrational the way she makes me so anxious but… I need to do perfect, Ava. I can’t afford any other outcome, you know?”

“That’s far too much pressure on you,” Ava looked at her seriously, “You’re allowed to have a life, Sarah.”

“Not in her eyes. I have to be a pathologist first and a human second or my mother won’t be happy.”

“And what about you? Are you going to be happy?”

“That doesn’t… it doesn’t matter.”

The blonde scoffed, “That’s rubbish and you know it. You can’t do your best if you aren’t sleeping and you sure as hell won’t do well in something you’re not passionate about.”

“But-.”

“No arguing,” she couldn’t help the small amusement at Sarah’s immediate compliance, “Please take care of yourself, Reese. Do this for you, not anyone else, or you’ll regret it.”

Ava didn’t wait for an answer, instead she got to her feet and dusted off her dark pants. She held out a hand for Sarah, looking at her with expectant eyes. The student let herself be tugged up off the floor, though she had trouble holding eye contact for very long.

“Sarah?”

She hummed in reply, busy wiping ruefully at the tears that had started to fall again during their talk. She saw the worry in her mentor’s face and it hurt a lot more than she wanted to admit. Ava Bekker cared for her of all people and here she was spending the day sulking and avoiding her.

“Come here.”

She was a bit taken aback when the blonde opened her arms, offering a hug for the first time. She wasn’t a physically affectionate person as far as Sarah had seen, not with her students especially. Still, it had been a very long time since she had received any sort of comfort like that and she had a hard time finding a response.

Eventually she did melt cautiously into Ava’s arms, surprised by how strong and secure they felt.

The surgeon didn’t say anything, just let Sarah lean into her until she relaxed into the embrace like expected. It was clear the other woman didn’t get a lot of physical comfort and Ava felt her stomach twinge a bit at how socially distant Sarah seemed. She deserved a support system, especially in such a competitive med program, and it broke her heart to realize she didn’t have much of one.

“Listen, you are a brilliant student, even if you have trouble with confidence. Enjoy neuro, don’t waste that time being upset and instead learn as much as you can. Don’t doubt yourself or downplay your abilities just because you think you should be in a lab instead. You would make an amazing surgeon, Sarah, whether it’s in CT or not.”

“Ava,” her reply was muffled slightly by her hair, “I don’t…”

“Just put yourself first, okay? And don’t be afraid to ask for guidance. Even if I’m not your mentor anymore once your rotation is up… I’m here, I promise.”

“I can’t make it tonight,” Ava’s voice interrupted the conversation Connor was having with Sam, not really worried about busting into their discussion. The two other surgeons looked at her questioningly, a bit of annoyance on Connor’s face.

“Ava, we’ve had this planned for weeks. You said you’d go with us to Molly’s for the playoffs.”

“I know, but something came up.”

Sam looked at the CT fellow for a moment, just observing her in the way only Sam did. She noted that Ava had taken the time to curl her hair that day, ringlets falling into her eyes despite it being pulled into a half ponytail for work. She was wearing a bit more makeup than usual, nothing too fancy but certainly more eyeshadow than the woman ever did on surgery days. She certainly had time to plan for whatever she was ditching them for, if that and her evident nerves were any indication.

“Something came up or you have plans with your med student?”

“Sam,” Ava groaned a little, “Don’t start.”

“I didn’t do a thing,” she replied smoothly, “Just a question.”

Connor set down his coffee cup, glancing between the two women for a moment before realizing what Sam said was obvious, “You’re skipping out on us for Reese?”

“Connor.”

“Ava,” he replied in a mocking tone, “What happened to being subtle and not fraternizing with your students?”

“It's strictly professional.”

“Yeah sure.”

Sam had fallen silent to watch their bickering in amusement, sipping at the bottle of sweet tea she had been carrying around. In reality it was Ava’s business and she knew she wouldn’t do anything to actually risk her career or Sarah’s at Gaffney. If she said it was business then who was Sam to believe otherwise? Ava wasn’t Connor, after all.

“You’re one to talk about professionalism. You don’t see me showboating my one night stands through the CT unit, do you?”

“Low blow,” the man retorted, “It was one time.”

“And that’s fucking pathetic,” Ava laughed as she nudged his shoulder with the edge of her tablet, “We know you’re all about quick ins and outs, Connor, don’t try and compare my assisting a student to your whorish ways.”

“Damn it,” Sarah muttered to herself as she slipped out of the exam room, tugging on her scrub top because the fabric felt too tight in her frustration. Yet another case where she froze during a central line insertion, which led to Doctor Zanetti taking the kit from her and giving her a dismissive look. Ava promised her that the surgeon wasn’t mean, just liked things done in her way and in a timely manner. Still, Sarah had a hard time believing that when Zanetti was so quick to push her out of the way, she clearly had no patience for teaching or mistakes and it was hitting Sarah’s pride more than she would like to admit.

That’s why she found herself in the skills lab after shift that day, even though her head was aching from the harsh fluorescents and she had a test to be studying for. Sarah needed to get this right, so she could finally get through a case without an attending or nurse taking over her jobs. It was just a simple catheter insertion, she could do it, and there was no reason to freeze up the way she did.

It was the nerves, Ava always told her. She was too cautious and lacked confidence in herself, which meant she scared herself any time she interacted with a real patient. Sarah was afraid to mess up or hurt the patient, which was foolish and she knew it, but it was a hard habit to break. This is why she wanted to match in pathology, there were no procedures to mess up that would physically harm one of her patients.

It was simple, she had successfully done it a million times in the lab, yet in the ED it was so different. Insert the needle into the internal jugular, wait for blood to kick back, then insert the wire. After that the needle can be removed and-

“No!” Sarah spat quietly when the line slipped, making the wire slide back out of the training dummy’s neck. She had been doing it right, she went over it all step by step just like in her books. She was supposed to be able to do this, she knew the steps by memory, so why was it so hard in practice?

“You’re hesitating too much with the needle,” the tone was matter of fact but not unkind, laced with a bit of amusement.

“I’m trying,” Sarah mumbled and swiped at some curls that had fallen to obstruct her vision. She didn’t look at Ava, too embarrassed for the surgeon to see her struggling yet again with a simple procedure.

“I know, Reese,” she nodded and gestured for her to continue, not moving to help her directly. Ava was someone who believed students had to learn hands on and with as little training wheels as possible. Of course in a surgery she would assist way more but in the skills lab the fellow was content with basically throwing her students into the deep end and hoping they figured out how to swim.

Still, with Ava watching over her shoulder like that Sarah only got more nervous. Maybe it was the way her hands were shaking a little too much that made the needle slip or maybe it was just Sarah overthinking. Either way she cursed a little under her breath when she missed the vein again, glancing at Ava for the first time since she arrived.

The blonde could see how frustrated the student was already, her eyes shielded by the safety goggles she had on but Ava noticed the gleam of unshed tears. Sarah hated crying in front of people but she was upset with herself, it was obvious, and she didn’t want her mentor to think poorly of her in this situation.

“Sarah, hey,” Ava put a gentle hand on her shoulder, “Look at me.”

The med student sighed and met her eyes properly, setting down the instruments when Ava gestured for her to do so. She looked at the doctor expectantly, waiting to be chastised for her lack of skill and confidence. The discipline never came, though; instead, Ava surprised her.

“Just breathe,” her hands were still on Sarah’s shoulders and she mimicked a deep breath, “Like that.”

Sarah obliged, though embarrassment flooded her in a suffocating warmth. The deep breathing did help though, as did the comforting feeling of Ava’s touch. She was way more patient and compassionate than the other doctors gave her credit for and she always showed it with Sarah.

“That’s it,” she nodded with a reassuring smile, one that ease the nagging shame in the pit of Sarah’s stomach. As much as she messed up and as flustered as she managed to get, she knew Ava didn’t judge her. She was blunt with her but she knew this wasn’t all Sarah’s fault, she just needed proper guidance and a confidence boost. As her mentor Ava decided she would see that through, especially since Sarah Reese showed so much potential.

“You alright now?”

Sarah nodded, smiling back weakly. Ava didn’t mention her blush and she was glad, they never really talked about it. Sure there was unspoken tension but neither woman dared mention it. They could only have a mentor-student relationship and even humouring the idea of anything else could cause trouble. Still, that didn’t mean Ava couldn’t help Sarah improve. She saw a lot of her student self in the American girl and she was determined to help Sarah become the top of her class.