#felison

Toronto, September 1997

“You can’t be here,” an authoritative voice from the back of the auditorium shouted. From where he was sitting at the edge of the stage, Felix couldn’t get a very good view of the new arrival. As he squinted, he could see the small woman marching down the main aisle of audience seats. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, and she walked with her back way too straight and rigid to be in his year. That much he could tell already. She didn’t have the sixth grade slouch.

“What?” Felix asked, confused and with a thick accent.

“I said you’re not supposed to be here,” she repeated.

It was obvious that this woman thought she was threatening. She had an air of self-sophistication and an expression that said she had an infinitely large list of things to do more important than talking to Felix. He’d met her type before, and he really wasn’t in the mood.

“Last I checked, this was a public school. Public school, public property,” he countered defiantly. To him, it was logical. (The fact that he had crawled through a hole in a chain link fence notwithstanding.)

She scoffed before smiling sweetly. “Actually, sweetheart, the public school is down the street. Which I’m sure you know.” She looked him up and down. “I can tell that you’re not from around here, so I won’t press charges, but I suggest that you evacuate the premises as quickly as possible. You’re trespassing.”  

Private school girl. Typical and completely predictable. And apparently, she was still going.

“I’m supposed to be rehearsing, and I can’t do that with you sitting here like some vagrant. And look, I don’t have a problem with the gays. Obviously.” She made a wide, sweeping gesture towards the stage and surrounding seats. “Maybe under different circumstances, we could even be friends.” Her tone conveyed the opposite.

“I’m not gay,” Felix snapped angrily, regretting the eyeliner he had decided to put on that morning. And it wasn’t the first time that day. Far from it.

“Of course you’re not. Fine. My apologies.” She shook her head and put a manicured hand on her hip. “But you still can’t stay here. It’s a closed rehearsal,” she repeated.

He wanted to argue. He wanted to snap at her and defiantly inform her that he wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t have to leave if he didn’t want to. But the truth was that his retort was caught in the back of his throat. The truth was that he didn’t have any other place to go. Not until his foster mother was home from work. Felix had gone through the same routine enough times to know that the group of boys that he had been running from were waiting right outside the fence that he had crawled under. They were never satisfied by all of the insults and threats they hurled at him on a daily basis. They craved blood.

“I can’t leave,” he finally mumbled, his eyes downcast and his jaw clenched. He hated this, revealing the truth to this girl he just met, but already couldn’t stand. He didn’t want to be at the mercy of yet another person. He wanted to fight back. He just didn’t know how. “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

The other girl was quiet for a few long seconds. He couldn’t see her with his eyes glued to the floor and angry tears lining them. He wanted to look up, but he knew better.

“I’m sorry, but that—that’s not my problem.” She cleared her throat before shaking her head and bringing her hand up to frame her face. When Felix looked up, he could see the guilt in her eyes, but he knew that she wouldn’t budge. She was making a statement.

He should have expected as much. Rich girl, he reminded himself. Privileged. Entitled. People like her never looked twice at people like him.

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. Felix jumped from the edge of the stage and pushed past the girl on his way down the aisle.

-

Present Day

In no way was this a new trend. It happened the most when they were teenagers, but as the two of them entered their 20’s, it hadn’t seemed to slow down. Now, Sarah was creeping on 30 and she was still passed out in his bed, tangled up and sweaty in his sheets. (The recent heat wave assaulting Toronto only made things worse.) Felix was just glad that this time there wasn’t dried vomit in his bed or in her hair. (It had happened before, though to be fair, he was hardly more innocent.)

Currently, sleep crusted the corners of his eyes as he blinked a few times in rapid succession. He didn’t know what time it was, but he did know that Sarah, (whether she was still leaving or not,) was going to have a wicked hangover when she woke up. What started off as a few beers quickly escalated. (Beer before liquor… he had warned, his tone both ominous and teasing. Naturally, Sarah hadn’t listened.)

“Hey,” Felix mumbled drowsily, “United States of Sarah.” He poked his sleeping sister but only received a grunt in return. “Lazy bitch.”

Despite his body’s overwhelming desire for the contrary, he rolled out of bed, yawning as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m way too good for you, you know.” He tossed the declaration over his shoulder before standing up. Another yawn. “Why yes, Fe, I’d love a coffee, thank you. My head is killing me,” he said in a voice a note higher than his own. “No problem, sister.”

Dragging his feet, Felix made his way over to the condensed kitchen area to put on a pot. While he scooped coffee grounds into the filter, he stole another glance at Sarah’s sleeping form. Most people probably wouldn’t understand why he put up with her like he did, why he would never abandon her even though it seemed as if Sarah hadn’t thought twice about it. He knew his foster mother didn’t.

The two of them had met when they were young though she was a few years older than he was. Two older boys had been trying to rough him up when Sarah stepped in. She punched the taller one square in the jaw right then and there before threatening his friend. (Oy! Why don’t you arseholes pick on someone your own size for a change, eh? The one she punched could have been a foot taller than she was. At least, it looked that way to the sixth grade Felix.)

When she offered her hand to help him up off the muddy ground, their eyes locked and he hesitated. He had met her before, but there wasn’t even a spark of recognition in her eyes. Felix hadn’t gotten her name at the time, but even at eleven, he didn’t often forget a face. It was the girl from the auditorium, but everything about her was different, from the clothes she was wearing to her outstretched hand. Maybe they were twins, he thought. (He found out later how far from the truth that was.)

After he took her hand, they were inseparable. Mrs. S, Felix’s foster mother, thought Sarah was a bad influence. She was. Felix didn’t care.

He remembered the next time that Sarah wasn’t Sarah. She was supposed to walk him home from school and she hadn’t shown up. Their school buildings were only next door to each other, so he’d walked over looking for her. Instead, he found the girl from before. She was onstage rehearsing again, and just like the first time, when she spotted him, she ushered him out the door. She didn’t give any explanations.

Felix met Alison, Cosima, and then Beth all before he got Sarah back. Beth thought she was a freak. He thought they were amazing. The years that Beth was on the medication was bad for all of them. He didn’t have anyone to walk him home, but more than that, he lost his sister and his best friends all at once. To be sure, it didn’t happen all at once. It was a gradual progression from when Beth started taking the pills to when they left him completely, when prescription overlapped prescription.

From then on, he tried to protect Sarah, Beth, and the rest of them as much as they had protected him. Beth and Alison were usually paranoid about outsiders finding out about their situation, judging them, but they made an exception for Felix. He was family.

“Felix!” A sharp, commanding voice rang out behind him.

He jumped, startled, but he didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was and what had happened. “Holy shite.” Felix shot an accusing glare as he crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people. It’s rude.”

“So is making me sleep in that germ infestation you call a bed,” she quipped and folded her arms to mirror Felix, only looking much smaller and infinitely more threatening.

“Sorry, Alison. I’ll remember to wash the sheets next time you want to play invasion of the body snatchers.” He flashed her a sardonic smile. Behind him, the coffeemaker spluttered to a slow stop, indicating the full, dark pot.

Alison glanced over his shoulder at the freshly brewed coffee. He could see her silently working things out, and combined with the throbbing sensation he knew must be throttling her head, it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. “You wouldn’t happen to have an aspirin to go with that? I’ve got a ridiculous headache. No thanks to you and Sarah, I’m sure.”

“The things in my medicine cabinet are a little more recreational than anything you’ll find over the counter—”

She gave him a scolding look.

“—but if you look hard enough, I’m sure you’ll manage to find something to your liking. Or at least, something you can peddle to Scarberia when you’re feeling particularly suburban.”

He smirked. She bristled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Felix, but I don’t appreciate the accusation.” Alison walked over to the kitchen and took the mug that Felix had just poured for himself.

Felix rolled his eyes and poured himself another cup. “You’re welcome.” He blew lightly against the steaming liquid and looked Alison up and down. “When was the last time you were out to play?”

“I think I’ll check the cabinet after all.” She was dodging the question, naturally, but he wasn’t sure if that was because she just liked to avoid the elephant in the room or if it was because she genuinely didn’t know. From what he understood of their situation, either were valid options, and Alison was almost as bad as Beth--worse, in some ways. Beth may have had a hard time accepting who she was, but at least she recognized it. Alison always seemed to be in denial about something or another.

He didn’t follow her as she set the hot mug down and made her way over to his bathroom. He just watched her with his eyes. It had been about 15 years since they’d met and it still struck him just how different they were. They may have all been in Beth’s body, but they were completely different people.

“Find anything you like?” Felix called before taking another sip.

Alison shook her head as she walked out of the bathroom. “Nothing legal,” she said, turning to head over to the couch instead of the kitchen. He watched her pull Sarah’s jacket on though he knew the smell probably wasn’t pleasant. “I’m going to the store,” she looked down at what she was wearing, “and then going home and taking a shower.”

Felix just nodded. He didn’t try to stop her, and why would he? They may have all been different people, but they still had some things in common: they were stubborn as all hell, for one thing. And he knew what Alison was like after a switch. She needed air, and she needed space.

“Call when you get home, yeah?” He asked as she slid open his large door.

Alison turned and gave Felix a small smile. “I will.” She paused for a moment, her hand still on the screwdriver that she had pulled out of its slot. “She tried to run again, didn’t she?”