#feli-writes

As for Lohen he was no better. He was more than aware that she got on your nerves and that’s what he enjoyed seeing—you writhing in jealousy as she was batting her lashes at him and asking for her to teach her. He wouldn’t necessarily initiate contact with her, but the fact that he kept in touch with her annoyed you.

Sure, it might be his dutiful task, but he clearly savored your moments of jealousy whenever he saw you rolling his eyes at her. Every single day, without a doubt, you’d complain to Lohen about her behavior towards him. The way she tugged at his sleeve whenever she needed help, whining that she’s only able to learn when he’s around or how she always tried to get as close as physically possible to him.

But he’d always tell you that there was no other girl in his life, other than you, and there’ll never be. Whenever you voiced your thoughts about his relationship with the rookie knight, he cooed sweet words of affirmation into your ears, telling you not to worry about such trivial matters.

It was hard to believe him at first. Granted, the more you came to know Lohen, the more mistrustful you were towards him, always needing him to prove his love for you. However, it wasn’t like Lohen despised it. In fact he was very willing to listen to everything you had to say and would make sure to fulfill your requests. Moreover, his jealousy even exceeded yours. He was aware about your whereabouts, your relationships, your belongings—everything—there wasn’t a single part in your life in which Lohen didn’t have control over.

Ironically, whenever you were approached by another person, Lohen would practically beg you to tell him that you still love him or give you the cold shoulder, displaying a distant resentment towards you, because you’ve “betrayed” him—there was no inbetween. 

When he did it was alright—justfied, as he’d say. He’s never gone this far to seek out the people that approached you to tell them to stay away from you (as far as you know of), however he made sure, you’d never see them again. So would it be wrong of you to do the same, and go a bit further?

Your last thread of patience snapped when she asked Lohen to meet him outside of the official training times to meet with her, so she could “learn” more from him, smiling all sly. 

All while you were standing next to him, making it apparent that you wanted to leave as you impatiently tugged at his sleeve. Truly, you expected him to decline, but he must’ve seen the grossed out expression you wore, which made him agree to it right away, and probably reveled in joy as you walked away in a fit of anger.

Her face flashes in your mind and you wince as you think back of her scared expression.Your body stiffens as you recall the way her body squirmed against your chest as you held her with a dagger to her throat.

If it weren’t for the way she clung to your arms, scratching against your skin as she was trying to resist your attempts to knock her out, you would’ve finished the job much sooner. Her screams for help still ring in your ears supported by the marks her nails left on your forearm. 

At that very moment, all moral sense left your body. She continued to scream and cry for help, like a cub left behind and howling after its mother. Before you knew it you flipped her around, pressing her back against your chest, and from your peripheral vision you could see the fear glimmering in her eyes. However, that didn't stop you from putting your gloved hands around her throat and pushing her down onto the muddied earth floor.

You pressed down her neck even harder and before you knew it she started uncontrollably coughing, choking on her breath as she stammered incoherent words. She did all of that while tears pricked at her eyes. You’ll give her credit where credit is due–she was difficult to deal with especially with how she fought you off but that only made you more insistent on continuing to put an end to her.

Caught in a trance, still having your hands wrapped around her throat, you failed to notice that the time had passed until her breath started to hitch and her body eventually fell still. Only then did realisation hit you–what you’ve done–you attempted to murder someone–you did this for Lohen. Hastily, you pressed your gloved fingers against her pulse point, and in the moment without really realising it may have worsened her injuries, still to your delight there was a faint beating and you let out an exasperated sigh.

Exhausted you collapse onto the floor, back now slumping against a tree as you look at the body in front of you. You could practically feel the guilt seeping through your body and altering your system, however beneath that guilt was something else—something quite darker. How you were feeling as of now wasn’t considered normal. Internally you should feel regretful and resentful towards yourself–you should be ridden with guilt and hand yourself in, but no—you felt guilty for not feeling guilty. 

Honestly, you’d wish that you could have an ounce of sympathy with her now as a last act of kindness. But rather it's the opposite—you don’t really feel anything, this feels more accomplished rather than dreadful. After all it was her who kept on provoking you, sneaking around Lohen and you and interrupting your guys’ time—she dug her grave herself—this is what she should’ve expected. 

With the remaining strength you had, you reach up and lean over her almost lifeless body, you discarded the brown wool gloves you found tucked in Lohen's drawer without any ceremony somewhere next to her—at least now she has a token from Lohen—before gently brushing loose strands of her hair out of her face. “Schlaf gut.” you whisper quietly, cradling her face once more before pressing your index- and middle finger to her eyelids and shutting them. 

“Sweet dreams.” 

—

Tired, you drag your feet over the cobblestone floor and force yourself to keep your eyes open so you don’t doze off. You walk home wonkily, clinging onto your forearm that's been scratched open–her nails really sunk into the flesh of your arm leaving nasty marks that you attempt to cover up with your sleeve. 

In the end you didn't manage to kill her—you couldn’t bring yourself to muder her. Why so? You’re not so sure either. It’s not like you had any time to think about it anyway, because before you could even fully comprehend the situation that had just played out in front of you, you had to flee the scene of crime, hearing as there were heavy steps accompanied with neighing, approaching you from a distance. 

When you finally stand in front of your door, you barely manage to keep your eyes open, much less your body that’s leaning with one shoulder against your front door. After all of this you just want to take a warm bath and lay down without any care in the world, what you did just now was a worry for later.

Lost in your thoughts and paying less attention to your surroundings, you continue to rummage through your pockets to search for your keys, not noticing that you leaned more of your body weight against your door and it opened with a loud creak.

Deep down you know better than this—you know you should question why your door was open in the first place. Recently more treasure hunters have taken an interest in Mondstadt hence you made sure that your door was locked every time you went out. Oddly enough, as you step further into the house nothing seems to be out of place. Your shoes were lined up properly, the dishes in the sink from this morning were tucked away neatly—everything was almost too perfect—that is until you noticed the open windows in the living room.

As if on cue the moonlight streams through the curtains and casts a light on the figure who hid themselves in your living room. There on your windowsill sits none other than Lohen with his legs crossed over each other. Knowing Lohen he most likely let himself in, picking at the lock of your door before prying it open and forcing his way inside. He stares out of the window with no care in the world, as he simultaneously plays with his dagger. As you walk closer, you notice that he’s not holding his dagger by the hilt—no, he’s throwing it up and down and catches the side of the blade.

Smoothly he jumps off the windowsill and you can feel your whole body freezing as you stop in your tracks, too shocked to react. A cold gust of wind rushes in the room, Lohen steps closer to you and just smiles, raising his eyebrows before directing his gaze to the clock cabinet. Naturally you follow and that’s when it hits you—the time; it’s already past midnight. All of a sudden Lohen’s dagger flies across the room, you gasp as it misses you only by a hair’s breadth; you feel the sharp edge of the blade grazing your face, before boring into the wall right next to the clock.

“Um diese späte Stunde zurückkommen.” He slowly draws out the words, making sure that each and every of them is etched into your brain. “Sag mal, weißt du nicht, welche Gefahr da draußen rum lauert?" He coos as he moves closer to you, he positions himself behind you and you feel his warm breath fanning over your nape. It’s warm, so warm that it sends shivers down your spine.

His presence makes you uneasy and you gulp as you feel him guiding his fingers up your body. Still, you don't dare to turn back or to meet his eyes, fearing that everything you did would now crumble away. “Ich musste ein paar Sachen erledigen.” You nod, but he notices it too—how you’re trying to convince yourself more than him. 

Lohen’s fingers move up your neck before finding your chin to tilt your head upwards, leaving you no choice but to face him. “Aha.” He hums as he studies your face, eyes drifting from your lips, to your ears before they eventually find your eyes and stay there.

“Coming back at this late hour.” / “Tell me, do you not know the dangers that are lurking outside?” / “I had some errands to run”

“Hm.” He eyes you with a look that tells you he’s up to no good. “What kind of errands?” Getting rid of garbage. The words lie on your tongue but you know better than to confess a murder. “You know, I just helped Barbara at the cathedral today.” 

He tuts in disapproval and shakes his head as he chuckles. “Barbara was helping out Jean today, silly. I saw her.” His laugh suddenly stops and looks up, a dark shadow cast over his eyes. “Lügst du mich gerade an?” Lohen asks and he quickly strips his fingers away from your face. “Lohen.” your eyebrows furrow in confusion and you whisper his name like a foreign concept, unsure if this is another cruel joke of his.

One of the qualities you value about Lohen is patience, he always listens to what you have to say, except when it comes to situations like these. “Verstehe.” He nods slowly and adverts his gaze away from you. “Du gehst mir fremd.” He states coldly as if it’s a fact, a law proven over and over evidenced by peoples effort. 

“Are you lying to me right now?” /  “I understand” / “You’re cheating on me.”

“Entschuldige?” you yell in disbelief, backing away from him. “Warum ist das das erste, wovon du ausgehst.” It’s already past the quiet hours, but you don’t care anymore, whether you scream, yell or shout at Lohen right now, because how could he accuse you of cheating? If someone was cheating it had to be him. “Sonst würdest du mich doch nicht anlügen.” He replies curtly, his ruby irises staring right through you.

“Excuse me?” / “Why’s that the first thing you think of?” / “Otherwise you wouldn’t lie to me.”

Anger drips from your mouth as you continue to scream at him. “You haven’t talked the entire day to me.” You point your index finger at him to make your point. “And now when you do the very first thing you do is declare me as a cheater?” You’re seriously dumbfounded. 

It was you who attempted to murder someone for him just so the two of you could be together all the time. Where your bodies would melt into one soul and are unable to live without one another. Lohen was everything to you—he’s your everything.

“Well, I was working.” He shrugs in simplicity and turns his head away from you. “Told you there's a ton of danger outside.” Suddenly he starts to walk around in the living room, the old floor tiles creaking from his steps. “I had a really stressful day at work today, dove. Not long before you came home the squad on patrol found a fatally wounded woman.” He elaborates as he walks over to the clock cabinet. “You should’ve seen her. It’s a miracle she was still alive.”

Lohen pulls his dagger out of the wall and admires the hole it left behind, as he mumbles about replacing the wall. However that was the least of your concerns right now, it couldn’t be, right? Still if they’d found her body there is absolutely no way it could be traced back to you, you assure yourself.

But no, Lohen had other plans. “At first the knights were unsure if they just misheard, but when the noises suddenly stopped they decided to check up on where they came from.” He begins, tucking the dagger back into his beltholder. “Luckily they came right on time.” 

The end—you thought this was where Lohen would stop. He’d warn you about the dangers outside and tell you that he was worried and that everything’s fine now because you have him. Although what you didn’t expect was for Lohen to pull out a pair of brown gloves and hold them up for you to see, thereby bursting your bubble. “It’s weird, don't you think?” He tilts his head to the side and asks. “These are the gloves given to rookies starting in the knights. The culprit must have been someone from the knights.”

Panic is written all over your face and you feel your head overheating as you try to come up with an excuse. “I mean she’s a rookie knight right, couldn’t those just be hers?” You suggest, hoping it would provide a somewhat reasonable excuse.

A small smile twitches at the corner of Lohen’s lips and the look in his eyes is something you can’t quite pinpoint—contentment wouldn’t describe it right. He hums and takes another look at the gloves. ”We found her gloves in her pockets, so no. And did you know? A while ago the gloves have been changed. They were claiming that they had been too itchy and the material was unsuitable for any activity.” Lohen practically starts to reminisce as he thinks back to his junior years in the knights. “The rookies get other ones now. So it must be someone who has been with us for a long time and had the old gloves.” Lohen crosses his arms and looks back, pretending that he’s thinking very hard.

“Oh and, how’d you know the victim was a rookie knight?” It’s in this exact moment where you realise that Lohen is catching on–if not having it figured it out already. All you could hope for is that your expression didn’t give away your surprise, you gave him a half-hearted smile to mask your turmoil of emotions. “Well, just a hunch and don’t you think it’s so nice that many young women apply to the knights now?” You put your hands behind your back to stop them from trembling before innocently tilting your head to the side and blinking at Lohen. “If you ask me it’s kinda refreshing seeing women in male dominated fields.”

He hums and looks away as he wipes off the dirt on his uniform. “But then again others could also become jealous of these rookie knights.” Lohen gives you a knowing look, one that says more than words ever could. “Are you implying I did it?” Negative thoughts consume you and you can’t help but start rambling. “Ich bitte dich Lohen, du weißt ich würde sowas niemals tun.” He doesn’t answer—you don’t give him any time to.

“I’m begging you Lohen, you know I’d never do something like that.”

“Ich meine, es ist deine Schuld.” You pride yourself in being a composed person, but when it comes to Lohen it’s the complete opposite. “Aber du weißt, dass ich sie nicht einfach so ignorieren kann.” He starts to explain himself but you cut him off. “Warum nicht?” you ask, voice quivering. "Wer ist dir wichtiger, ich oder sie?” 

“I mean it’s your fault” / “But you’re aware that I can’t just ignore her.” / “Why not?” / “Who’s more important to you, me or her?” 

Lohen opens his mouth to respond but you don’t let him. “You don't even love me” your voice breaks and you tear your eyes away from Lohen. “You’ve never loved me. Just admit it.” You murmur but loud enough for him to hear. “All you do is spend time with her and when I ask to get even a sliver of your attention you refuse.” Verbalizing your thoughts into words was worse than what you expected, because you could even finish your sentence tears started blurring your vision.

Lohen is quick to act and cups your face in both of his hands and looks at you with wide eyes. He’s probably disgusted—no, he must be shocked that you guessed his intentions right. “No, no, don't cry please. I was just teasing you.” He hushes you while brushing over your cheeks to wipe away your tears.

He continues to smother your face, even as you try to break away. “You never spend any time with me and when you do you just talk about her.” You sniffle and push him away. “You’re always with her. Always, always, always.” The repeated words linger in the air along with your staggered breath. “I feel like you have become distant. You no longer love me. Did you ever even love me?” You attack him with statements, seeing how far he’s willing to go, but also to finally confess everything you’ve been bottling up.

There’s a silence that stretches across the room. “Why don’t you just admit it.” You whisper quietly. “I’d rather have you tell me the truth than continue to lie to me.” Eventually you’re able to look at him, looking at his eyes and trying to find something—anything that proves that he still loves you.

Drowning in the pools of his eyes, you don’t notice the way Lohen moves forwards, closes his eyes and presses his lips against your forehead. The warmth of his lips is a reminder of his love—no—it’s a sign of his farewell and you freeze. Lohen is already backing away but you stand there glued to the floor, still processing. Everything around you starts turning black, something ugly comes up and crawls its way into your heart. 

Lohen hates you. He doesn’t love you anymore, in fact he’s never loved you. All the sweet things he’s said were lies. You’re nothing special to him, he treats everyone like that. He never planned anything serious with you to begin with. Seeing him with other people makes you realize that he’s not your Lohen, he was never yours. Lohen didn’t see anything in you other than a source of temporary fun—no, not even that, he just searched for someone to emotionally exploit off. 

Exactly, that’s it. Lohen isn’t the good guy you’ve always imagined in your head. No, he’s just a miserable man who tries to manipulate you. How could you have ever fallen for someone like him? What was it that Lohen did to you? Lohen has never loved you. Why did you delude yourself into thinking that he did?

“Let’s break up.” you suddenly say. The tears that were flowing from your eyes just now seem to have stopped as soon as the words left your mouth. “I dare you to repeat that.” Lohen demands of you enraged. “Du hast schon richtig gehört!” You yell back at him and just as the tears have stopped you feel them starting to spill again. “Du hast weder Zeit noch nimmst du dir Zeit für mich.” You start off. “Du hasst mich doch.” Your words are accompanied by a laugh and you continue. “Immer hältst du dich mit irgendwelchen anderen Mädchen auf, und du sagst nie was, wenn sie sich förmlich an dich schmiegen.” 

“You heard right!” / “You don’t have time for me nor do you make time for me” / “You hate me.” / "You're always with other girls  and you never say anything when they practically fawn all over you.” 

Lohen stares at you in disbelief, his once worried expression contorting into one of pure rage. “Don’t come at me with that bullshit.” He spits and moves closer to you that there's barely any space between the two of you, on instinct you step away, but Lohen grabs your wrist to stop you from moving and to keep you on the spot. “Don’t I show you my love enough?” He asks desperately, the corners of his mouth twitching as if to smile, laughing at how ridiculous this situation is.

“No.” You say sternly. “Get out of my sight.” Unfortunately for you, your words only seem to spur on Lohen’s anger. “You hate me and you know what? I hate you too, so just go away.” Frantically, you try to wiggle your arm out of Lohen grasp, however to no avail. “You don’t mean that.” He whispers under his breath, eyes narrowing down at you and inspecting your expression. “Doch.” Strong willed, you attempt to push through, but Lohen doesn’t accept that as an answer. “Nein, tust du nicht.” He’s right you don’t. “Get lost.” 

“Yes” / “No, you don’t” 

This seems to do it for Lohen because he yanks you by your wrist and you’re certain that his touch will leave a mark. “Wen verarscht du hier eigentlich?” All of a sudden, Lohen starts to laugh—hysterically so, as if he’s overwhelmed and this is his last resort. “You’re gonna do what I say, doesn’t matter if you want to or not.” He declares and forces you to abide by it. “But we both know that you don’t want to leave.” Lohen whispers all knowingly before leaning in to kiss you, he lets go of your wrist and presses his hands on your waist.

“Who do you think you’re fooling?”

The kiss is messy and you can feel his tongue nudging at your teeth, asking for permission to enter and you let him. His tongue roams inside the cavern of your mouth and you can’t help but make embarrassing noises against his mouth. Suddenly he leaves your mouth and his tongue swipes across the tear stained marks left on your skin. You squirm to get away from him, but he doesn’t let you. 

If this continues you know you really won’t be able to stop.

Feeling the wet muscle on your face filled you with a mix of shame, disgust but also a certain enjoyment and you know you couldn’t let this go on. Leave—that was your top priority. You can’t give in, Lohen is manipulating you again, don’t fall for the same trick twice. Infuriated, you slap Lohen across the face and the noise echoes throughout the room as you shove him away by the chest.

The shock in Lohen’s eyes is priceless, he’s baffled. You catch your breath, heavily exhaling and so does Lohen before wiping his mouth with the back of his hands. Even without saying a word you know what he’s about to do next, so why is it that you can’t move? This time Lohen grabs both of your wrists and holds them above your head so you won’t be able to wiggle away again. You stare at him through fiery eyes and scratch his hands with your nails, but your plan backfires,because firstly, he doesn’t budge and secondly his desire to ruin you just became stronger. Lohen kisses you—once again, you let him. You can feel his smirk against your lips as he pries his tongue into your mouth and continues to aggressively kiss you. Not allowing him to take the lead, you bite down on his lower lip and the sound Lohen makes is music to your ears, fueling you to keep on biting until you’re hit with the metallic taste of blood.

What are you thinking about? Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Well, how are you supposed to know you’ve never known anything or anyone else other than Lohen. But this isn't normal. Normal people don’t kiss a person who’s manipulated them into loving them.

It’s as if someone rewinded time, because the same scene plays out again.You push Lohen away at his chest once more, shaking your head and he heaves. “We were enjoying ourselves just now.” He speaks, as if trying to convince you. “What happened?” He asks, voice shaking as his fingers press into the flesh of your skin. “Did you not like it?” Lohen’s eyes widened. “I can also start with a different approach, just tell me what you want. I’ll do it” Before you know it, there are tears brimming in his eyes and this time it’s you who’s taken aback. This can’t be real.

“I love you. I really love you. You’re the only girl for me.” There’s tears running down both of your faces now and you’re too shocked to even say anything to him. Something like this has never happened, this shouldn’t be happening you think. Without much thinking you let Lohen take your hand and guide it to his face before he nuzzles his cheek into the palm of your hand. “N..no Lohen.” You stutter, the words stuck in your throat. “I know you’re just coercing me. Stop it.” You scream and pull back your hand. “But it’s working isn’t it?” Lohen smiles before wiping away the tears, although some still cling onto his lashes.

The ticking of the clock makes you feel uneasy—the longer you go on without saying anything the more Lohen will take it as a sign. “No, Lohen, you seriously need to leave. Just go.” You urge him and he just stands there with an expression that's hard to read. 

Of course you don’t want him to go—you want him to stay. Why is it unhealthy to just rely on each other? You’re fine with it. Lohen is your world, but maybe that’s the problem. 

“I know that you don’t want me to leave. I love you therefore I know you.” He tells you and you can’t help but hold back a sniffle. Why does he have to make this harder than it already is? “Lohen, I told you we’d break up. We’re not together anymore so fuck off.” You declare bluntly, but you know that your eyes betray you. “No, I never agreed to breaking up.” Lohen exclaims in disbelief. “Well, too bad because I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, okay?” Whenever you and Lohen fought, you always needed to have the last word and Lohen would let you have it, because he knew that it made you gain a sense of control for a situation you didn’t plan.

But with Lohen you never know what to expect. There’s a pregnant pause and Lohen exhales. “If you leave me I’m going to kill myself.” That did it for you. You gave him so many chances to leave before it got to this point, but Lohen just couldn’t listen, could he? “Do it then. I don’t care. I hate you.” You challenge him, but it’s Lohen and Lohen never backs out from a challenge.

Upon not seeing you hesitating or showing much reaction, you can practically tell how irritated Lohen has become. Even if he doesn’t make it as obvious as you do, there are still signs. One of them is doing something impulsive, if not entirely reckless. The dagger he stored in his belt holder is in his hand again, only this time isn’t he just playing around with it. No, he’s putting it against his throat, the tip of the blade barely touching his skin.

“Tell me you love me. That you don't mean any of this” He starts to push the tip of the dagger into his skin slowly. “Youre just bluffing.” You snort and roll your eyes. “Am I?” Lohen starts to drag the tip over his skin and a streak of red comes to life. It starts off a small slit but the more you look at it the more blood comes out. He positions his dagger at another spot on his throat again and you start panicking. “No, no, Lohen, stop it!” You yell, taking the dagger from his hand and throwing it somewhere down the floor. 

The blood continues to flow and you press your sleeve against it for the material to soak up the blood. “Tell me you love me.” He whispers like a little kid making a wish that’s only for a certain pair of ears to hear. “Ther’s no one else for me.” Lohen starts off as he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. “None of the other girls could ever compare to you, so tell me that you love me too.” You don’t answer and only look up at him with a look that tells him more than enough. “It’s not working out, Lohen, okay? Just leave please and never come back.” You plead, you weren’t able to fulfill one last act of kindness for someone, but you hope that Lohen will for you.

Lohen doesn’t say anything as he removes himself from your embrace nor does he look back once. He doesn’t tell you goodbye. No nothing and maybe that’s the best farewell you could’ve asked for and the one you deserved. 

END NOTE: “I'm scared youre gonna abandon me so ill abandon you first.” Reader and Lohen probably + feli (me) too hahahahahahahah — call it a self insert atp 

It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.

Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.) 

Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.

It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“ 

Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the 

screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.

However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth. 

Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around. 

Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)

That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side. 

‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.

Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.

When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.

“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.

“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”

Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)

That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.

As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.

It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you. 

In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in. 

——

There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?

“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.

He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.

“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused. 

Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room. 

There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up. 

Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.

When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar. 

Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.

All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you. 

It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line. 

Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.

In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.

He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.

Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards. 

Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.

This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.

There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments. 

It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae. 

Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour. 

As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there. 

No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him. 

For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.

He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.

A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae. 

You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe. 

Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.

This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.

His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing. 

The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall. 

“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.

Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought. 

There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.

“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.” 

Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”

You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this. 

The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.

“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him. 

You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.

Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.

She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.

Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor. 

Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.

“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was. 

That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.

“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.

Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.

Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.

“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.

Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It  makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?

“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”

Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.

“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.

He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.

Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—

“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.

Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you. 

It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.

Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:

“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”

“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.” 

“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”

Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.

There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.

BONUS:

Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.

END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE

“500 mora.” 

“300 mora.” 

“400 mora.”

“350 mora!” This was getting beyond ridiculous. How could anyone demand so much for a mere book. Your jaw ticks, quite visibly flexing as you make your final offer. Coming to Mondstadt during the Windblume Festival practically means walking into a trap—one where they strip you of all your possessions, and you’ll leave with nothing but empty pockets. 

From a distance, you can hear bells chiming a tune, and bright laughter fills the air, adding to the cheerful melody, that is, until the woman opens her mouth again. “It’s a good price!” Annoyed, she lifts the book off the table and points at the price tag glued on the cover with her index finger, impatiently tapping against the sticker, as if to prove her point. “I even gave you a discou–”. You have a hunch about which direction this is going to go and decide to cut her off before she makes any more snarky remarks. “Es ist einfach nur unglaublich dreist so viel zu verlangen!”

“It’s just incredibly brazen to demand this much!”

For a split second, the woman’s eyes slightly widen in reaction to your words, her eyes fluttering rapidly in surprise. “Bist du aus Mondstadt?” She asks hesitantly and squints her eyes together to study you; her watchful gaze makes you shift on your feet. 

All you can do is meekly nod, awkwardly averting your eyes from her. To your surprise, she claps her hands together in delight, a newfound sparkle emitting from her eyes. “Warum hast du das nicht von Anfang an gesagt?” Her eyes take the form of crescent moons as she cocks her head to the side, smilingly, with her hands politely tucked behind her back.

“Are you from Mondstadt?” / “Why didn’t you say that from the beginning?”

You offer her a half-hearted smile, one that twitches at the corner of your lips on close inspection in irritation. If she hadn’t singled you out as a tourist right from the beginning and tried ripping you off—she might have known, but you don’t tell her that. 

It takes everything in you to simply laugh at her sudden change of attitude. It’s blatantly obvious—the favoritism she shows to people who are from Mondstadt. It’s not your business to meddle with but you doubt that this is how an earnest trade is supposed to look like, but it works out in your favor, so who’s to blame?

“Hate the game, not the player.” As Kaveh would say. Whenever he’d win against you during a game of cards, he’d blame it on anything else than the player’s ability (with the sole exception of Alhaitham, perhaps who’d taunt him first).

You can’t help but chuckle fondly as you think of the two back in Sumeru. Kaveh would’ve surely complained about the price too as he’d bargain for it to be lowered.

Only when her voice softens as she hands you the see de in exchange for the mora (which was all along not worth more than 200 mora) you snap back to reality. She attempts to converse with you, proudly slipping in her admissions about how many people she’s already ripped off today and eventually wishing you a good day, in an unexpected sweet manner, as you start to walk away.

“Danke Ihnen auch!” You shout over your shoulder before stepping further into the hustle and bustle, passing by people and skimming through the pages of your newly purchased book. 

“Thank you, you too!”

It’s a catalogue about typical Mondstadtian architecture throughout the centuries, each chapter telling the story of another architectural period that shaped Mondstadt. There are several terms you recognize—facades, cornices—things Kaveh has mentioned once before. As for the ones unknown to you, you make sure to ask Kaveh when you return.

When you get back home, you’ll make sure to wrap it up nicely and give it to Kaveh as a Mitbringsel (souvenir) from your little trip back to your hometown. At the very least you were relieved, because you were quite certain that Kaveh would be happy with his gift. 

In comparison to your other friends from the Akademiya Kaveh was the only eager one to receive a gift and you figured that this might be the best thing to give him. 

Thinking about it now, you might get something for yourself too. How often is it that you visit Mondstadt? You weren’t there for the last two Windblume Festivals, fearing that this place would evoke certain memories, but you suppose it should be fine now. 

After all, it’s been a while, so all the matters you left behind—the ones that were left unresolved, like a letter where the signature is missing—all you could do was pray to Barbatos that they flew away with the wind.

In all honesty, you didn’t plan for this trip to be long, thus you attempted to limit yourself to bringing only essential things, which meant that personal items became a second priority. 

Not even a full day has passed since you arrived in Mondstadt with all your luggage in hand. Truly, you love Mondstadt, you grew up here and spent a good portion of your life here, but if there was one thing you dreaded, ignoring how silly it sounds—the rough cobblestone paved floors. They were a pain to walk around on, especially with how bumpy the ways were.

But if there was one place in the entirety of Mondstadt that could ease this exhaustion it had to be Angels' share. The first thing you did when you stepped foot back home wasn’t going to your housing and unpacking—no—it was rushing to Angel’s share. Yes—with all your luggage.

After all, there was only one thing that could save you from the fatigue this trip gave you—a good wine brewed from the finest grapes in Mondstadt, and who else but the Ragnvindr’s could provide you that?

Upon arrival, you immediately rushed to the bar stools at the counter, propped your arms down and slumped your head against them to rest, practically hiding your face. All you heard was a huff from above and you could already paint out the image of a certain redhead rolling his eyes in disbelief at you. “Auch schön dich wiederzusehen.” Diluc said flatly, as he slid a glass filled with water over the counter towards you, before stepping away to prepare your drink. 

“Good seeing you again too.”

Although for the majority of your Akedmiya years, your studies kept you busy, in your leisure time you still made sure to find enough time to write letters to everyone. Despite the years you were away from Mondstadt, everyone treated you the same—your heart swelled at the thought and a small smile found its way on your lips. 

Diluc still knew your go-to drink and didn’t pester you with any infuriating small-talk, because he knows that you’re not in the mood to talk when you haven’t drunk yet. 

It’s almost like you never left. Everything was the same—the lively ambiance, groups of young friends encouraging each other to drink more while others had to drag their friends out before Diluc could catch them. You were under the impression that time had stopped and only continued when you were back here again, sitting with a certain someone every day after his shift ended. 

Being lost in your thoughts made you unaware of your surroundings that you almost didn’t notice the amused chuckle that came from right above you. “Oh, wen haben wir denn hier?” Hearing the familiar voice, with that tilt of tease to it, your head shot up, along with your widening smile. 

“Oh, who do we have here?”

In front of you stood Kaeya, practically grinning from ear to ear. “Mind if I sit next to you?” He didn’t even wait for your response before pulling the bar stool out and made himself comfortable. 

It was subtle, but the way his gaze shifted to Diluc's back and a somber shadow clouded his eyes, told you enough and you gave him a compassionate glance which he quickly brushed off with a reassuring smile. 

He’s quick to change the topic. “So how's it in Mondstadt?” He set his arm down the counter, before resting his face in the palm of his hand and stared at you in anticipation. “Well if we ignore that I arrived merely a few hours ago, I’m good.” You chuckled as you took a sip from the glass. 

Kaeya shot you an entertaining look. “Is that so?” His words left you confused and you furrowed your eyebrows. But it seems like he had no intention of answering, as his gaze wandered over to the group of adventurers who were sitting right beneath the table at the staircase and you followed him. Within the blink of an eye the group turned silent and ducked their heads together. Weird.

“Weißt du, wer letztens zurückgekehrt ist?” His sudden question took you aback. “Nein, wer denn?” You replied lost. “Großmeister Varka ist zurückgekommen, unter anderem mit der fünften Kompanie—du weißt, was das bedeu–”

“Do you know who recently returned?” / “No, who?” / “Grand master Varka came back, among others the fifth company—you know what that mea–”

Before you know it Kaeya’s words started to fade into the background as you got distracted by the touch coming from behind your shoulder. It was only then when you noticed that someone attempted to get your attention.

WIth ease you swivel around on your stool and face the person standing in front of you. On closer look, he was built quite slender, still you could see the lean muscles of his body peeking out from his clothes. 

He quickly noticed that you were scrutinizing him and quickly fixed his disheveled hair, before he coughed into his fisted hand as if to prepare himself to say something.

“Äh, hallo.” He starts off awkwardly. “Ich hab dich von da hinten gesehen und fand dich echt hübsch und wollte nur mal fragen, ob du vielleicht morgen zusammen das Fest verbringen möchtest?” 

“Uh, hello.” / “I saw you from behind there and found you to be really pretty and just wanted to ask if you’d maybe wanna spend time together tomorrow during the festival”

No wonder Kaeya was staring at the loud group of adventurers that were sitting at the back so intently. Whether it was a mere guess or intuition, you’re not sure, still you were impressed that Kaeya was so quick to connect the dots that one of them would come up to you.

Granted, he wasn’t quite your type or at least the kind of person you’d usually go for, but so was someone else. It wouldn’t hurt to give him a chance, you presume.

“Das ist sehr nett von dir und sicherlich können wir morgen Zeit verbringen.” You shoot him a polite smile. 

“That’s really kind of you and surely we can spend time together tomorrow.”

Whether it was the pressure of having his adventure peers looking at you, the exhaustion and your brain completely giving up on you or genuine feelings that made you agree, you weren’t quite sure. Admittedly, he didn’t look quite bad and seemed very nice, so why not give it a shot? 

It's only one date. He asked if he could pick you up and you’d just walk around a bit at the festival and then go eat dinner. There’s little that could go wrong, and even when things might take a turn for the worse, you’d only be staying here no longer than a few more days and return to Sumeru quicker than Kaeya would be able to open his mouth to order his next round of drinks. As for it if it turns out for the better—you’re still unsure. 

In all honesty, you weren’t sure if you had healed enough from your last relationship. However, you also don't want to spend your entire life mourning after a relationship that has sunken, so it’d be no harm to start a new one.

Just as you spotted a boutique where you could buy nice clothes to wear for your date tomorrow, a voice suddenly appeared from behind you, as if it had hidden itself within the shadows and jumped out at the right moment to scare you.

"Was ein Zufall, dich hier zu sehen.” An icy voice cuts through the atmosphere—the same voice that greeted you every morning and put you to sleep every night when you still lived in Mondstadt. It’s as if time has stood still, freezing everything into one place as you stopped in your tracks. “Lang nicht mehr gesehen.” The owner of the voice—Lohen—positions himself in front of you.

“What a coincidence seeing you here.” / “Long time no see.”

It’s only a natural reaction that the hairs on your nape would stand up in tension. Fear was an emotion that he could sniff out like no other, especially when it came to you. When he receives a whiff, he’ll already have his eyes set on you. The fear won’t disappear—you’ll be fearing for your life instead. 

Considering how close he stood to you, you were aware he wouldn’t turn a blind eye to the anxiety surging through your body. Not to mention your staggered, uneven breathing that was no different to someone catching their last breaths. You knew better than to ignore him, but how are you even supposed to begin?

Despite all the time which has passed, you didn’t even dare to look up to meet his eyes.

“How’d you know I was back?” Mere seconds which feel like an eternity pass and you muster up the courage to ask. The words are quiet, but you can practically feel his smug grin as he looks down at you. Involuntarily, but as if on instinct, you raise your head—Lohen is quick to act—squishing your face in the palm of his gloved hand, to keep you looking at him. 

Shame fills your senses, being treated like this in public by Lohen where everyone could see you, is beyond humiliating. Also, you’d never admit it, especially to him, but you missed him the most and out of all the times the feeling could’ve hit you, it had to resurface in a moment like this.

Fed up with him, you gesture for Lohen to let you go which only makes his grip tighten. “A little birdy told me.” He whispers sweetly, although the mockery his words are laced in doesn’t go unnoticed by you either, before finally letting your face go.

In response to his words you furrow your eyebrows together in irritation. “Kaeya.” You bite the inside of your cheek, as you recall your conversation with the cavalry captain from yesterday. 

Even if he’s pretending that he hasn’t heard you he doesn’t make it noticeable, instead he just gives you a tight lipped smile. At this rate you weren't sure if you’d be able to be around him any longer without  wiping that shit-eating grin off his face. 

Alas, you forgot how draining it is to talk to Lohen when he behaved like this—all innocent and oblivious, even though he’s always first to discover what's being hidden behind the curtain. 

It didn’t take long for you to grow restless. To make matters worse, you didn’t know how to remove yourself from the situation without Lohen leaving a dumb comment that'd go along the lines of you being afraid to talk to him.

“Lohen.” You call out his name, a cold sweat running down your nape. The reaction his mere presence has on you is akin to a blizzard that rages inside your entire body, causing it to shudder. “I think I left my stove on.” A measly excuse, you were aware and from the way his ruby eyes cast a glance at you in disbelieving curiosity, he knows you are lying.“I’d better go home to check. Excuse me.” Your lips press into a fine line as you nod your head politely at him and attempt to leave.

It happens so fast, you realize way too late that he’s seized your arm. “Lohen, let me go.” You warn him through gritted teeth. His gloved hands do a poor job at shielding your skin from him pressing his thumb further and deeper into your wrist.”Please.” You wince desperately. 

“Now, now, don’t be like that.” It’s immediate—the moment his eyes light up as you plead him and his smile widens, showing off his white pearls. 

More people start to gather around the two of you, standing still for a few moments before walking away as Lohen shoots them a look that screams no go away. Freshly returned Vice Captain of the fifth company Lohen causing a scene in broad daylight and quite literally holding you captive. 

Before his hands can slither any further, you firmly push him away. Lohen doesn’t even look surprised—amused would be befitting, as if he already knew that you’d do something like this. “Lass mich in Ruhe!” You snap and turn away from him. Deciding you’ve finally had enough you storm away.

“Leave me alone!”

It doesn’t take long for you to look back—pathetic, you know—would it be wrong of you to say that you were disappointed that Lohen didn’t run after you? All he did was brush over his coat to make himself look more presentable after what had happened just now. Not once did he look at you when you were walking away, you’d know, because your eyes were practically glued to him.

Whenever the two of you had your little play fights, you’d squeal and laugh while he’d insist on hugging you until you had to beg him to release you or else he’d squish you in his embrace. 

Well, you know the answer to your question yourself—you’re no longer together—you were the one who broke up with him. Taking that into account—you being the one who ended everything, you had no right to feel this way.

Just as you wanted to tear your head away from him, you see a young girl approaching him from your peripheral vision. In her right hand, pressed in between her index finger and thumb is an envelope, while in her left hand she holds a glowing red Windwheel Aster. That sheepish smile adorning her lips and her rosy tinted cheeks make you swallow thickly. Standing a few meters away from her are her friends giggling to one another and exchanging knowing glances as she chats up Lohen. 

For your own sake you turn away quickly before he reacts. An all too familiar feeling rises up in your chest—a puddle of disgust and jealousy—something ugly and one which you got rid of a long time ago—at least you thought so.

— 

Sure, you might not have had high hopes for the date, but you didn’t expect to be forgotten, like an important piece of advice that gets disregarded without a second thought. The clock keeps ticking in the background, as if mocking you that your date hasn’t come to pick you even though he promised to be on time.

Half an hour ago, you told yourself that you’d wait thirty minutes more, and maybe you should. After all he might’ve had difficulties finding your home and got lost on the way and has to ask for directions now. Maybe he stepped into a puddle and got his clothes all dirty, meaning he had to go back home to change. What if he was just too nervous and in reality he’s been standing in front of your door the whole time, trying to muster up the courage to ring the door be–.

The two-toned chime of your door bell jolts you out of your thoughts. He’s finally here, you think to yourself happily, as you walk up to the door and open it, inviting him in.

“Lohen?!” You yell in bewilderment, eyes widening in shock, as he stands in front of you with his hands neatly put behind his back. It wasn’t unusual for Lohen’s work clothes to be stained with all kinds of different substances. Be that mud, ash or even blood. Still there was something off. “Fancy seeing you here.” Lohen declares with that scheming smile on his face.

Hearing his words, you scrunch up your eyebrows. “I live here.” As soon as the words leave your mouth you regret them, because they sound more like a question rather than a statement. “I know.” He simply shrugs before barging into your house. 

“Hübsch siehst du heute aus.” Lohen says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, while you’re left speechless. He does it so effortlessly, as if he hasn’t just walked into your home; he came back into your life, and turned it upside down. “Wegen des Treffens oder warum?” He smiles slyly before shrugging off his coat and hanging it up on your hook.

“You look pretty today.” / “Because of the date or why?”

It’s only then that you notice the vermillion color staining his jacket and seeping into the dark fabric. The fluid runs smoothly down the piece of clothing, practically becoming one with the coat, and that’s when the gears in your head start turning.

“Lohen.” You say his name with a shaky breath. “Was hast du getan?” Your jaw tightens in anger and your clenched fists grab the material of his vest, pulling him closer for inspection. In hopes of finding any trace of regret or mercy, your eyes flicker over his face. His pale skin was dusted in brown ashy colors and without thinking twice you brush your fingers over his cheek to rub the dirt away.

“What did you do?”

Noticing what you did, you immediately try to pull away, but Lohen stops you. He moves your hands, the one you just pulled away and the one whose grip started to loosen on his vest, around his neck, pressing them into the flesh of his throat. You tried to pull away, but that only urged him to squeeze your hands tighter around his neck. 

“Suffered from external pressure to the neck which restricted the blood circulation.” Lohen expresses in choked out laughs. “Led to a deprivation of oxygen and the victim passing out.” He continues with an eerie smile on his face. It almost seemed like he wanted this. “And not to forget, suffered from long-term trauma and throat damage.” He took control over your hands and pressed them further into his neck. “Ich meine mich dunkel an sowas zu erinnern, du auch?”

“That rings a bell for me, for you too?”

Taken aback you try to pull your hands away from his neck, but he doesn't let you. Instead he tightens his grip that he has around your hands. “I’m having a good time. Why stop?” He chuckles dryly. However to your surprise he finally frees your hands from his hold and you fall back, stumbling behind in shock. 

Seeing that you’re in no position to talk, Lohen seizes the opportunity. “This is unlike you.” He takes a step forward and you can’t help but stare at him. You don’t move, you don’t shudder, you don’t flinch—nothing, all you can do is watch what he does next.

“Seriously, am I not just returning the favor?” He smirks and puts his gloved index- and middle finger beneath your chin to lift it up.”Did you seriously think that moving away, and starting a new life, would make you forget that you murdered someone?” He tilts his head to the side, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.

“I didn’t kill her!” Shivers run down your spine as you defend yourself frantically and Lohen lets go of your chin. “She was still alive, I made sure of it.” You whine. “Barely.” Lohen chuckles, seemingly amused by your panicked state. You can feel the way your heart rapidly beats in your chest, picking up at a faster pace every second. “I just wanted her to stay away from you.” You finally admit quietly.

Upon hearing your words, Lohen’s eyes start to glint with mischief, as if this was everything he ever wanted to hear from you, and maybe it was. “There she is.” He sighs in a relieved dramatic manner. “That’s my girl.” Your arm that rests stiffly at your side—Lohen takes it into his hand and brings your wrist to his lips. He then kisses the inside of your wrist slowly and deliberately while looking at you through half lidded eyes, as if to observe your reaction. 

Would you melt into him? Would you push him away?

After he lets go of your wrist he places your arm over his shoulder to get better access to you, closing the gap between the two of you. From this vicinity you could practically feel Lohen's warm breath fanning against your face. “You know, no one would have suspected you.” He mutters in a tone that could only be described as faux pity. 

“No one would ever get the idea that either you or me would kill mere civilians.” He whispers before kissing up your forearm until his lips eventually find the skin of your neck. You can feel the way he’s already latching his lips at your skin, nibbling on the part he wants to sink his teeth into. 

However you stop him by grabbing a fist of his hair, forcing him to look up at you. “That means you didn’t kill him?” You ask hesitantly. “Who?” He raises his eyebrow, seemingly unimpressed by your question. Only when you shoot him a knowing look does he sigh in exasperation. “Oh, him.” He eventually says. ”Yeah, of course not. Just taught him a lesson.” You wonder how Lohen is always able to act collected, even in situations like these. “He’s not in life threatening danger or anything.”

You’ve got the answer you wanted. Admittedly, you’d be lying if you said that Lohen’s actions didn’t stir something inside of you. The greed to keep him all to yourself came back—it never left, but now that you’re back with him—how are you supposed to live without him? He’s the only one who makes you feel like this—the only to give you this high. 

“I’m glad then.” You let out a breath you’ve been holding for a while and press your lips against the crown of his head. “Why are you thinking of someone else when I’m here?” Lohen jokes, but you feel the tinge of honesty in his words. “Niemals.” You reassure him by pressing a kiss onto his head, before giving him access to your skin again.

“Never.”

He continues on what he’s left off. With precision he latches his lips onto your skin and suckles on the spot, waiting for it to bloom in a pinkish color. “Did you think two years would wash away your actions?” He looks at the mark in satisfaction and licks over it, before moving his lips upwards to your jaw. “Don't forget, you're mine.” Subconsciously you start moving your arms around his neck, your hands now resting on his nape. “I’m yours.” He declares, before pressing a chaste kiss to your jaw.

“We share our sins.”