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the weight of expectations â hirugami sachirou x reader
synopsis: many times, you've found yourself torn about your career choice. on one bad afternoon, you find yourself making the choice between honoring your feelings or the expectations of those around you. sachirou is more than ready to help you arrive at the right decision. (long author's note at end of fic!)
details: romantic/platonic childhood friends â dialogue-heavy, emotional hurt/comfort â vet student!hirugami and gn medtech student!reader â ~1.3k words â part of @d1strict99's tea party event
When Hirugami Sachirou comes back to your shared apartment one afternoon, the words come bursting out of you.
âSachi, I canât do this anymore.â
He stops in his tracks, setting his bag down and rushing over to your spot on the couch.
âWhat?â
âI feel like this isnât for me.â
âWhat isnât- wait, what happened?â
A tinge of guilt hits you for springing this onto him so suddenly, but you genuinely cannot hold it together any longer.
âStudying to be a medtech.â
His weight causes the couch to dip in his direction, and he immediately embraces you. âYou wanna quit?â
âMaybe. But how do IâŚâ
Tears somehow build up again, despite having cried your entire afternoon away. Your eyes hurt. Your head hurts. Your heart hurts. Everything just hurts.
âI spent all of high school working my ass off to be good at math and science. And now I just feel like I donât know what Iâm doing. I donât know if Iâm being overdramatic or if itâs just a phase, but getting out of bed feels harder. Going to lectures or the laboratory doesnât excite me like it used to. I feel like Iâm just disconnected and rushed to do things.
âMaybe itâs a me problem, because most people seem fine despite the stress and difficulty. Itâs practice and repetition, there are systems and theories, butâŚit just sucks, Sachi.â
He sighs. âI thought you were just tired, but there was more to it, huh?â
âYeah. Sorry.â
âDonât be. Was today the last straw? I remember you left early today for a practical exam.â
You look up at him. âYeah. Fucked up big time. Proctor told me I failed.â
âOh. Iâm sorry.â
âI made a stupid mistake. There was a specific protocol and I fucking forgot it during her station because I panicked.â
âThat must have been frustratingâŚâ
âAnd the worst part? That specific proctor that graded me happened to be one of the senior professors who knew my parents personally.â
Sachirou nods in recognition. Youâve told him about her before, and how unnerving it has been to be in her presence. Just a month ago, she went off on you for asking a simple question, as if you were the dumbest person in the room.
âShe told me that she expected more from me. She couldnât understand why I didnât know what I was doing when I both of my parents are actual med techs. Even worse, my parents were some of the best in their year. Then here they are with a fucking kid who is barely passing!â
The floodgates open, and you donât care how horrendously whiny you sound.
âAnd she told me that at the first station, so it just dominoed from there because I got all shaky and started questioning myself during the other stations and then- I donât know! I just tried to calculate my grade and Iâm here trying to accept that Iâve fucked it up, and I donât know if I can save it.â
You cough for a moment, overwhelmed by how much youâre saying. The physical sensation is horridâitâs like your thoughts, voice, mouth, and breathing arenât working together.
Itâs exactly how you feel. A disorienting, conflicted, confused, heavy mess.
âI donât know, Sachirou. I feel like Iâm going nowhere. Iâm not happy and not just because of what happened today, but in general. I was good at solving and memorizing but I feel like nothingâs working. I donât know how to tell mom and dad, they were so happy that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. I donât wanna tell them I failed. I donât wanna tell them I hate this.âÂ
For a few moments, thereâs silence; all you can hear are your unsuccessful attempts to steady your breath.Â
Still, you wait. You know Sachirou needs to a moment to think about everything youâve told himâand a part of you also recognizes how your feelings touch on the very thing youâve helped him through before.
Eventually, he speaks up, stroking your back gently and pulling you closer to him. âCan I ask you something?â
âMhm.â
âFor as long as Iâve known you, youâve said that your dream was to help people.â
âYeah.â
âBeing a medical technologist is one of the many ways to help people. But, what exactly interests you, or makes you happy?â
Sachirouâs question makes you pause. What makes me happy?
âI-I donât know,â you respond, sniffling. âI didnât think about that just yet.â
âHmm. Say, even if you were having a bad week, what were the moments you looked forward to? Or, anything that fulfilled you.â
âMmâŚI liked the opportunities to talk to patients when we had to do supervised extractions. Slow days were good. I hated when we were rushed and could barely get anything past a âhelloâ and âIâm sorry if this hurtsâ.â
He nods. âYou value deep conversations with people. Thatâs true.â
âI suppose. I mean, every person I meet has a whole life.â
âThatâs right. And believing in that is your strength.â
âWhat?â
âYouâre always so eager to unravel the layers of a person. Your final judgments are never based on first impressions or the things youâve heard about them. You like getting to know people as they are, and you always find some way to do something special in their lives.â
You turn to look at him. âIâŚreally?â
âYou did that with me when you insisted on calling me Sachirou. You helped me realize that I was more than just a Hirugami who was expected to play volleyball.â
Oh.
âYou were always there for me whenever I struggled with the sport. You got me through times I felt like I could no longer tough it out. You had my back when I told my family I wanted to quit. You supported my decision to pursue what I wanted to do with my life. I will never forget those acts of kindness. You changed my life for the better, so I think you deserve to give yourself more credit.â
âSachirouâŚâÂ
With a whisper of his name, he gives you a quick kiss to your forehead. Â
âYouâre more than what people expect you to be.â He mutters into your hair. âWhat do you want to be?â
Your mind scans through hundreds of memories in your senior year. Nights of studying for the entrance exams, pamphlets from various colleges, discussions with your familyâŚthen it hits you.
Filling out application forms took a long time because you had to come up with a list of ranked courses. Medical technology as your first choice was a no-brainer. It was the path you were âsureâ you wanted. However, the second choice was the hardest one to decide on. That was your fallback if things didnât turn out how you expected.Â
Your parents didnât care as much for what you put there, reasoning that you could always shift into medical technology if your grades were good enough. Still, you were careful about your decision because you didnât want to be assigned to a random program.Â
So, you read through the college website, narrowing it all down. Fourth choice filled, third choice filled, second choiceâŚ
âPsychology,â you blurt out. âThat was my plan B.â
Sachirou chuckles, and you can feel the deep vibrations through his chest. âI definitely think that suits you.â
You remember reading through the program curriculum. Psychology was something youâve had some interest in, but you never had the chance to delve into it, too focused on your main dream.
âThanks. I remember thinking that it was the course I would have taken in my second life.â
âWell, whatâs stopping you now?â
You huff in amusement. That was the exact question you asked him when he opened up about wanting to be a veterinarian.
âHey. Youâre sneaky, Sachirou.â
âThanks. I learned from the bestâ He snickers, bumping your shoulder. âBut seriously, donât tie yourself to something thatâll make you unhappy for the rest of your life. Your parents cannot force this dream on you.â
The corners of your mouth lift. âYeah, yeah.â
âThe semesterâs almost over. Finish whatever you have to and talk to your program adviser about everything. Okay?â
âOkay.â
âThank you for telling me how you felt.â Sachirou gives you a brief peck on the cheek. âAnd if it happens again, Iâll listen. You and I both know how heavy the weight of expectations are.â
Additional Notes:
I wrote the conversation/dialogue during a very hard time of my uni life. The referenced professor is real, including the incidents I talked about. Thankfully, for this subject where I failed my return demonstration, I pulled it together for my finals and other written exams, and passed with a better grade than I had anticipated.
Initially, I had written this fic to be based on my experiences as a speech-language pathology student; but ultimately, I did not want to quit, even if the option was there. I still wanted to graduate and become an SLP despite the immense struggle. That is why I shifted the career/course for reader to medical technology. Continuing with an SLP student!reader felt contrary to my positive realizations about my future in speech-language pathology.
Fun fact, there was a time I thought to myself that I should have just chosen medical technology instead of SLP because I thought I might've been able to play to my strengths more (especially as an introvert). But after pondering the what-ifs of medtech, I realized it was not for me. And, this fic is NOT medtech bashing! It's more about the reality of what aspects of a job match with what a person wants.
Another fun fact, psychology was actually my first choice in another university. I still think it's an interesting field and I do have some background in it because of child development, but in this life, I'm grateful that I get to do speech therapy with kids now! :D
By the way, I know this fic is very ranty, so perhaps there wasn't much Hirugami characterization coming through as you might've anticipated. Still, I chose him because he is the perfect listener for someone going through a degree/job crisis.
Hirugami knows what it's like to have to choose between his dreams and the dreams others have for him. It was though his friendships with Hoshiumi (and childhood best friend reader, in this fic) that he realized he had a choice, and an option to quit. He reminds reader of this, because sometimes, people don't follow their advice (or realize that the same can apply to them).
Anyway, this fic was a way for me to process my feelings (about quitting vs. persevering). While I didn't end up quitting, it still felt nice to explore the "what if I did?" and remind myself that I always have an option to dictate what I want to do with my life. That's why it's heavy on the dialogue because what I really wanted was a conversation to myself.
This fic been in the drafts for such a long time, but thank you D99 event for prompting me to revisit and continue this one. A part of me wasn't sure about how I felt about it, but the point is to write to your heart's content, right?
A special thank you to @seumyo, my beloved, for giving me the insights on what it's like to be a medtech student (sometimes, experience beats a google search lol!). Thank you for hearing my idea out and really understanding what I was going for. I hope you're doing well! <3
Corresponding TEA99 Order: mixed wild berries tea in a red cup, and a smoked salmon sandwich!
w.c. is 2k which just checked my last fic, pretty sure this is the most I've ever wrote. yayyy
For @d1strict99 tea event
leafyâs notes: first time writing kurooâŚkinda scared acc
banner art by celmiu (I think...)
You donât remember what made you and Kuroo drift so far apart, it was pure coincidence in your mind that you both would make it to the same class, let alone always being in the top 2 of your whole class as well. Sometimes it would be you who would make it top of your class, and sometimes it was him. Over time that rivalry grew when your classmates would make bets on who would ace the test this time. You had never taken it that seriously at the time, but you both were highly competitive in your own way.
âLooks like I beat you this time Y/n-chan,â Kuroo laughed, his voice almost teasing as you looked at the rankings for your mid-term .
Tetsuroo KurooÂ
Y/n L/nÂ
Stared you in the face, it bothered you far more than you liked to admit. Mostly because it meant you would have to watch Kurooâs stupid, hot, smirking face as he bragged to anyone who would listen. Hold onâŚhot? Since whenâŚwell, uh, it didnât matter!Â
âHuh Y/n, do you have a screw loose? Did you just call me hot?â
You felt Kurooâs chest brush against your back, looking up to glare back at his mocking smirk, god how you wanted to wipe that smug expression right off his stupid face. Had you really said that aloud?
âWow, Tetsu! You really are so self centered yâknow? Thereâs plenty of guys that I could be talking about, why do you think Iâm talking about you?â
You went on, pausing as you saw the way Kuroo looked back at you, you really had no reason to say all that. And you knew it, but if your words meant covering up how hot your face felt whether it was from just embarrassment or not. He never got much of a chance to decipher as you practically ran back to your shared classroom. Classes were about to start soon anyways, which meant your teacher would likely go over the answers anyways.
 It wasnât like second place was bad. That was still second overall in your whole class. It just wasnât what you had wanted.Â
Class felt like it dragged on forever, not like that was anything new, but it felt so much worse when you were hyper aware of how close Kuroo was. I meanâŚhe was only a few desks over. You paused, taking another not so sneaky glance in his direction, had he always been that close? You didnât remember, but you did know that the fact that you had been so focused on Kuroo the whole classtime meant you hadnât been focused on what you should have been.Â
âYou were staring at me the whole time, werenât you?â
There it goes again, you were hearing things, right? Until you actually open your eyes and notice Kuroo standingâno towering over your desk. Fuck.
âNo, I was staring at the door.â
You stated, sounding as composed as you possibly could. It wasnât like it was a completely unbelievable lie. His desk was by the door, and it wasnât like you didnât rush to leave class as soon as the bell rang. Except class was over, and you were still seated, you had hardly gotten to packing up your stuff.Â
âReally? I find that hard to believe when your eyes were piercing a hole into my very skull all of class. You canât bring yourself to have a single thought without having me in it, right?â
He teased, making you drag your hands across your cheeks as you tried to hide how on point his words seemed. You both had been friends long before you both had become rivals or whatever the hell your classmates called it, it made you forget how observant Kuroo was, how well he could read you.Â
âYou really are so self-absorbed TetsuâŚâ
You sighed, looking at him with a thinly veiled glare, your hands still pressed against your cheeks as you used your elbows to hold your head up.Â
âThen why are all the times, how do you put it âSpeaking your thoughts aloudâ? Involve me?â
Kuroo rebutted, he really had you there, huh?
âThat is not trueâŚ! Youâre so nosy, constantly eavesdropping on me!âÂ
You argued, trying to ignore how you truly felt.Â
âI have to meet some friends to study.â
You stated, quickly gathering your bag as you put the things from your desk into your bag haphazardly, you could fix it later you reasoned to yourself. Really your main priority was getting away from Kuroo. But as you passed by his hand caught your wrist, his grip firm but not painful.
âI can join you, you know?â
He suggested, it wasnât like it was unusual for either of you, before you both got to high school you had studied together pretty often. It was more that High School made everything busier and your schedules didnât quite align like they used too.Â
âI thought you had volleyball practice today.â
You noted quietly, easing your bag further over your shoulder.Â
âTheyâll be fine without me for one day.â
He answered, not seeming to care. Although in your mind the captain should care a bit more, it wasnât your problem if he got scolded. Well, maybe if some of his teammates got onto you for it, it would be.Â
âOkay, well, donât blame me if you get into trouble.âÂ
Was all you said, moving to go to your locker, not bothering to see if Kuroo actually followed you. It didnât bother you that much, if Kuroo came to study with you, it felt like every year meant you both spent less and less time together. And in all honesty it did make you miss him somewhat.Â
âWhere were you supposed to meet your friends?âÂ
You paused, you were never meeting with anyone. You had simply planned to go to the library to study on your own. You really had just said that so maybe Kuroo would feel more awkward to tag alone, but who were you kidding? This is Kuroo.Â
âItâll be just the two of us, I was going to go to the library. Which means you need to be quiet.â
You added the last part after a pause, not wanting to be kicked out of the spot that had become your favorite place to study because of Kurooâs recklessness.Â
âSo itâll be just the two of us?â
Kuroo asked, as if not knowing there would likely be other people at the library.
â...yeah, it will be.â
You answered, voice growing quieter at the implication his words held.
âSo like a date?â
He asked, you not missing the slight teasing tone to his voice.Â
âWhatâŚNO!âÂ
You stated, pressing a hand over your mouth as you realized how loud that had come out. I meanâŚif it wasnât obvious you had a crush on Kuroo. Maybe some of your classmates would be surprised, since even without the rival status you both didnât seem to get along. But what many didnât know was that long before the two of you had gained such a label you had been friends, and long before the both of you had become ârivalsâ you had started crushing on him.Â
âWow, Y/n-chan! And here I thought you liked me plenty.â
Kuroo exclaimed, making a big show of the words, clearly made to embarrass you.Â
You knew if you seriously asked him to stop Kuroo would, because despite his teasing remarks he was genuinely still your friend. But maybe you just liked the fact that it meant Kuroo would pay attention to you, you werenât sure.Â
The actual walk to the library was mostly uneventful, outside of the fact that there were times where you felt that he got a bit too close. But you tried to reason with yourself that it was Kuroo trying to avoid bumping into other people.Â
Once you actually made it to the library, you tried to find a seat without many people around, and as you sat down you couldnât help but glance to your side as Kuroo sat right next to you.Â
â...seriously dude? There are plenty of seats open and you choose the one that is right next to me?â
You sigh, not bothering to hide your slight annoyance. Out of all the places he couldâve taken, he sits right next to you? When heâs been getting in your personal space all the way here?Â
âWeâre supposed to be studying together, right?âÂ
Kuroo questioned, which while true, it wasnât like he had to be that close either. You sighed softly, nudging the legs of his chair with your foot to create a bit more distance between the two of you. Much to Kurooâs amusement, but, surprisingly, he didn't say anything else on the subject. Every so often, Kuroo would ask you for help on questions that, in the back of your mind you knew he could solve on your own. But you did feel a hint of satisfaction that Kuroo would even bother to ask you.Â
âAre you even listening to what Iâm saying?âÂ
You asked all of a sudden, pausing in your demonstration of a math problem as you saw how instead of paying attention to the math problem he was looking straight at you.Â
âMm, Iâm just copying what you did in class today.â
He teased, leaning his face into his palm as he looked straight at you. You felt yourself grip your pencil tighter resisting the urge to yell at him since well, you both were still in a library.
â...if youâre just going to mock me Iâm not going to help you, you know.âÂ
You sighed, turning away from him for just a moment before you heard him speak again.Â
âNo, I like it when you help me.â
His words were innocent enough, but in the back of your mind you couldnât help but wonder if he was doing that on purpose. I meanâŚput on top of all of the other incidents today.
âYou didnât have to say it like that.â
You stated, fixing him with the best âwhat is with you todayâ type look before once again trying to go back to your work.
âLike what?â
He asked, and when you met his gaze he had that stupid grin on his face.
âYouâve been acting weird all day.â
You noted, which was true, or maybe you had been more hyper aware today? No, that couldnât be it.Â
âWell you like to act weird all the time.â
You sighed at his words, maybe he was being his usual self.Â
âI like you, you know that.â
He said it so suddenly, almost if the words didnât have the same weight you always treated them with.Â
â...you what? Youâre joking, right?â
You huffed a soft sort of laugh, not that you thought any of this is funny. You felt so breathless, why was he being like this today? It wasnât like you thought Kuroo would ever joke about something so serious, but it felt wrong to think he was saying all the words you so desperately had wanted to hear for so long.Â
âYou didnât hear me the first time? I like you.âÂ
âJustâŚjust shut up for a momentâŚ!â
You stated a bit too loud, completely disregarding your own warning you had given from the start.
âSorry, Iâm going to have to ask you two to leave, and please donât come back.â
You didnât fully register the librarianâs words until you heard Kuroo gathering his own stuff. How could the best day of your life suddenly become your worst? I meanâŚyour crush had confessed to you, sure. But now you were probably banned from the public library.Â
You sat at a bench by the door for a minute, bag pulled close to your chestÂ
âI like you too.â
You said all of a sudden.
It took a while for anyone to realize the two of you had started dating, mostly because nothing up until that point had changed between the two of you. It only did when Kuroo offhandedly called you his girlfriend. It was safe to say close to no one was expecting that.
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