talked to my lovely mom about how bad i've been feeling lately and how down on myself i've been and how Christmas really set it off and she was like "can we talk more about that" and i was like "NO because my problems with my sisters were my WHOLE CHILDHOOD and i can't deal with that *and* be a good student" and my mom was like. "not to be an 'everything happens for a reason' annoying bitch but maybe it would be helpful to deal with your feelings about this while you are in a relatively stable place and not trying to do big things and not in any romantic relationships."
which.
fair.
so.
blogging/journaling on the theme of "so i have one sister who has hated me from infancy and another who made me want to flee the house into the arms of my abusive ex-boyfriend c. junior year of high school" may be forthcoming. or like. mentions of the journaling. i plan to do a lot of it on paper for purposes of "i want to work on this myself before deciding if it's worth the risk of bringing a therapist in and also the effort of looking for one." i will be going *slowly*
but it would be nice to have the box of "i grew up in a house with people who hated me and were mean to me all the time (not my loving parents tho! they simply did not know how to stop it and also probably did not know the extent of it!) and was super lonely and felt inherently bad" a bit more. like. organized.
stupid fucking odyssey of emotions but show me an emotional odyssey that isn't stupid, huh!! in the poem the man gets so close to home so many times and for what!!!
i will work on myself and i do think, like. naming and feeling feelings can be helpful and will make my life easier.
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just had the thought "it's been a while since i've felt things." as if i did not spend most of today sobbing and screaming.
but i get where it's coming from? i've gotten some ~luxuries~ from the 42-days-savings and it was fun to spend some time daydreaming and i'm sure i will enjoy my new material purchases/experiences in a bottle. (thank you perfume, ilu perfume) but--usually i would have SO MUCH MORE INVESTMENT. the choices would be easier. i'd have a clearer picture of what i want to wear and smell like and why
and i just. i was moving so much for so long. and it turns out i can technically live like that! i can't do deep work like that, can't study or fix my laptop or do very complicated dinners or keep up with all of my friends as well or fix things that break. but i can keep moving one foot in front of the other for a pretty long time! and see friends a bit and eat food and do laundry and keep things in *decent* trim and be nice to people! and it was awful, yes, but--clear. easy because i didn't have to make as many choices.
i have done A Lot of lists on tumblr this year, and when i had 3-4 days of free time a week there were stretch goals and ambitious projects and shit to Catch Up On and Fix and side quests. and this past month and change has been infinitely more focused on survival. and survival is *easier* than trying to live a life that looks a certain way
(and harder.) (how do i say this? when you hit rock bottom the only place to go is up, or at least straight. when you're *not* at rock bottom there's room to fall, but it's also easier to get highs.) (i spent a lot of my life being a little suicidal and have loved NOT being suicidal but it's also...not what i'm used to. being in a stressful circumstance is a bit like being suicidal because you have to act like you'll get out even though it feels like you never will. but "acting like you'll get out" is a very low bar, when you're suicidal/incredibly stressed. you *can't* be as on top of things, so you maybe worry about it less.
except when i was actually depressed i did not worry about it less so...yay for meds and time? ANYWAYS.)
sometimes i don't know how to carry myself. because i'm pretty happy, actually. i like a lot of things. i want very badly to make the world better by being in it, and to walk lightly, and to laugh a lot. and also these past two weeks have brought up a lot of trauma for me and i don't feel like i will ever have a relationship with medical stuff that isn't badly scabbed over if not seeping with rot. and i'm really, really, REALLY tired. and i want to feel something good. and i want a hug. and i want to lie in bed and not move for days. and i go to work on Friday and i have to do PAPERWORK and TRAINING and NONSENSE.
today has been really hard.
wins:
- i survived a scary phone call and Advocated For Myself in order to Get Closure
- i did make the appointment
- i was clear about my feelings while being respectful to the people i talked to
- i went to a celebration for the work i did teaching this school year and won a little raffle prize, which was quite cute
- it took an age but i made a pear/walnut/arugula salad and that was very tasty
- i told my people i was upset so i wasn't alone with the feeling
- i knit a lot!!
- i made tea when i was upset and held the warmth of it in my hands
- i made some perfume choices and wore my favorite perfume and wore a nice outfit and started thinking about my style/self/identity expression again. that thinking sparked this very rambly post
which i suppose i will conclude by saying that it is great fun to think in the abstract about who you'd like to be and what you'd like to wear, but in the end that is determined by what you do and the things you actually put together on your body, not by an abstract vision.
reflection is fun but you don't have to come to any clear answers, actually, whereas you *do* have to do things
and right now the thing i need to do is clear off my bed and brush/floss my teeth and go to sleep! so. off we go
i remember--in college. going to visit my ex and driving towards the place we'd lived together, just vaguely in that direction, and freaking the *fuck* out. that whole trip was so hard and i left after. like. a day. because it was too hard and too much and we were both trying our best and it wasn't enough to fix what was broken between us. (what, it felt like, was broken in *me.*)
and it was only, like, a year after, then.
it's been much longer than that now.
and remembering isn't gonna kill me. but it feels like--god. i was so happy, the last time i went to this place. i was barely an adult and i was delirious with love and i remember exactly what i wore and. i had no idea i was heading into something that would traumatize me. it wasn't her fault! she was around but. the amount i blame her for not speaking up is limited by the knowledge that asshole ex-boyfriend was putting wedges between the two of us at least partly on purpose. because he liked me better, maybe? he acted like it sometimes. he said some real shit about her and it hurt and infuriated me and helped make me feel crazy.
sufficiently advanced incompetence and all that, on his part
us breaking up was not his fault. we'd already dumped him by then.
but--i wouldn't have left her if she'd been able to support me, after. and i guess it's good that we got that out of the way before we got married, because being in a situation where i needed stuff that badly, that i couldn't get, while married? nightmare! feel like i dodged a bullet!
but i wanted to marry her. i was so head over heels. i still *like* her, just...i don't want to be friends or hang out because it's. too much.
and. shame is not meaningful here, right. but shame is a part of the whole mess.
i was embarrassed of getting assaulted because i was the Friend Who Fucked and also i was supporting a bunch of people who had previously been assaulted and i was supposed to, like. have a working model of consent. not a "oh yeah this guy ran roughshod over my boundaries and i didn't speak up while it was happening and when i did i wasn't listened to and we were living together and he was paying rent, how could i leave. and then why would we break up, we were happy! we had a good summer! of course i visited him! on his dime. it was [static noises]" situation.
and she. well. i trusted her. and she said "i wouldn't call it rape, things can be bad and not be rape" and didn't remember the details i told her.
and was so stressed out by me talking about my experiences she puked in front of me when i did. (she'd tried to tell me it was stressful. i. did not get how much. great communication there, obviously! i love not repeating relationship mistakes!)
and asked him for his "side." and wasn't angry on my behalf.
and. god. this all feels so tawdry. who cares, it was years ago! god!
but.
it was bad enough that i couldn't shower without freaking out for two years and had to wear shirts all the time and didn't feel comfortable in my body and i couldn't cuddle my friends and i couldn't get off and i couldn't have as much sex as i wanted and i was deeply uncomfortable with my kinks and i couldn't, like, feel pleasure from half my body anymore.
that was bad enough!
but i got assaulted and it felt like it poisoned all my romantic relationships. and my capacity to feel love. and idk about the latter but if not poison it--sure fucking did not help the former!!
i stopped being hot and i stopped being fun and i went insane for months and took a break from being insane and went back to being insane and went to therapy and broke up and stopped going to therapy and broke up again and started freaking out when i heard her name or remembered she existed and talked to her and got an apology and friend-broke-up with my other ex.
i haven't dated in four years.
and it's just, like. one breakup wasn't enough?? i had to have THREE!?
yeah, apparently. yeah.
jesus fucking christ.
and, like. "show me a permanent state of the self" and all that. but jesus, i couldn't--i can't--
i want my fearlessness back. i want my comfort back. i want the willingness to trust people with my dumb-romantic-heart (which feels distinct from my normal reasonable heart that i do trust my friends with) back. i want my fucking masochism back because that was great, actually.
and i'll never get it back! it could regrow but i'll always have to be fucking wiser because of this! which, like, sure, i like being safe and making good choices, that's not the *point,* i'm grieving
how does this even make sense. what the fuck.
so. having a fun time in a city tomorrow, huh!
i'm giving myself a $50 budget. that's absolutely ridiculous for my current finances but we're doing it. if i hate our planned activities i'm gonna suggest thrifting. also we'll have to eat lunch. we could eat a fancy lunch. i want a banh mi. or sushi.
going back to places you went when you were younger shows you how much you changed. you've grown, which is change for the better. you'd laugh at the conversations you thought were intellectual then. poetry's still good, though! no one can take that from you.
you'll be with friends who love you who extremely provably will stick with you for a decade. one of them was there for your whole first round of PTSD, basically, so even if he was less supportive than your college friends due to the circumstances he is still very supportive and knows you extremely well. and your other friend is very kind and great at getting mad on behalf of her friends. they love you. they're family, in the queer sense and the lifelong-inseparability-regardless-of-distance sense.
you're allowed to have feelings about things you did six years ago. if you cry on the trip, or need a minute or an hour or whatever, your friends are forewarned and forearmed and have told you they're here for you. this is better than worrying about being haunted alone sometime. even if, somehow, one of your exes is there: you'll be with people who can and will guard you and get you the fuck out and hold you while you cry and take care of you. they're very kind. you choose friends well.
you're also gonna feel the sunshine on your face and share the cake you made and get ice cream! it'll have moments of beauty, if nothing else!
you're okay. you're gonna be okay.
i love you. i love being alive. drink some milk and go to bed.
when you want something to happen, it's good to take steps towards it or it probably will not happen
postulate:
people are likely to avoid things that feel bad
premise:
if both of these are true i have a fucking problem.
i hate! being this guy! i hate being up too late talking about how i haven't done my homework. i feel like i'm in high school or some shit and that feels *bad* on account of *high school fucking sucked* and i didn't like my life very much back then
(i mostly still did my homework except for the time i failed two classes. like. that did happen in midterms and i had a little mentie b or whatever. (after my grandma died? in senior year?? no, surely it was junior year, i remember how suicidal i was that break. it was...right, i think my school only did final grades, not midterms, i worked all Christmas to pull them back up.) i pulled my grades up through the power of generous teachers, actually. other people are often kind.
fuck!!!
question: if there is no reward for your efforts why make them?
answer: THERE ARE REWARDS, they're just long term ones!
also knowing i tried my best is usually rewarding but. at the moment. i think my best is pitiful and that feels bad
addendum: unfortunately for me, god's scrunkliest little bat, there are also a lot of ~adversives~ in this situation.
premise: shame is a bad motivator
supporting evidence: i haven't done anything since getting home and i literally just took my sleeping meds an hour after the Latest Possible Acceptable Time to do that and i didn't eat a real dinner and i'm still in my fucking work clothes
statement: i'm tired.
statement 2: taking a 7am class was a bad idea!
so glad i didn't take the 5am one! but also! when you know that you usually prefer to do One Thing Per Day, and to prep for that thing several hours in advance, in defiance of reasonable evidence-based arguments that you should do multiple things in smaller chunks per day. well. then maybe. you should make it so you aren't expecting yourself to wake up at 5am to prep for your 7am class if you want to do anything, OR stay up till midnight, or otherwise fuck up your sleep schedule *with no promise you'll actually get the work done or FEEL ANY BETTER*
issues:
- my skill level and knowledge base AS IT CURRENTLY STANDS makes doing this work. like. extremely difficult. it certainly feels like my options are a) put 8+ hours of work a week into it or b) fail.
- i'm intimidated by the people i'm in class with and i feel like i'm fucking up both my reputation + the environment of the class for everyone else
- in the past i HAVE tried doing the things i've done in similar classes. put, like, at least 4 hours of work in? i did thirty minutes of work earlier today. i'm not doing *nothing,* i'm just. fucking. failing?? it feels like no amount of work would be enough to keep me from failing???
- all i ACTUALLY have to do to "pass" is show up every day. this does not make me feel better because i like being good at things and feeling like my presence improves the world around me as opposed to the opposite of that
- i don't have a spare 8 hours! i barely have an extra four hours! this class happens on my Dedicated Study Day BUT, ALSO, CRITICALLY. IT HAPPENS AT 7AM.
- theoretically i could spend all my Monday coworking time and an hour after work each day on this? practically. i need to, like. do my accounting. fix my thrifted and old clothes. wind down after any long days of teaching. clean my room. eat food. make food to eat. and that would still only get me 6 hours. and i'm not sure that even fucking bridges the gap!!
[ - i need a second job so bad how the HELL am i supposed to manage any of this what the FUCK man]
- in the past i have prided myself on two things, academically. 1: doing the fucking work. 2: being willing to ask dumb questions and make an ass of myself if it means learning. turns out 2 is contingent on 1, at least in this context. as the kids say: Unfortunate.
- if i hadn't put this on my grad school apps i would seriously consider just. like. dropping this. i'm still considering that tbh. if the less advanced class weren't at, like, FOUR AM i'd consider switching to that and i've also considered emailing the instructor like "re: my failure to show up to your class prepared and able to participate. sorry. um."
and then i don't send that email, because i don't know what i WANT
- this isn't my first time failing a class. i've failed classes in high school. i went insane over them and somehow pulled it together. ...i'm not, like, objectively failing, i just FEEL like i'm failing.
- there's a fucking. easy bit of work we do every class that i could prep and i'd always rather do the Real Reading because that's what i *care* about but i don't have the *skills*
- last time i was this outclassed i WAS A FULL TIME STUDENT WITH A SUPPORTING LANGUAGE CLASS :/// SO I COULD DO 8 HOURS OF WORK AND IT WOULD MATTER!
and i still freaked the hell out a lot!!!!
(there were zero random respected profs there as my ""classmates""!!!!!!!!) (AND IT WAS IN THE AFTERNOON SO I COULD WORK ON IT ALL MORNING!!!)
- i can't afford to be this fucked up about this shit. i need to do other things with my energy and i need to feel good and i need to like living and i need to WANT to do this thing i do actually *like* when it's not *terrifying* and excruciatingly difficult!!
current thoughts:
i can actually just keep failing and showing up and disappointing myself and probably my instructor and classmates every day. like. there's no grade or threat stopping me, just Feeling Bad. historically that's not a great combo for me because i pick Feeling Bad over Massive Amounts Of Work While Feeling Bad every time and it never fucking feels good. since neither one feels good. and i'm tired and stressed so! what then!!
i should do Baby's Easiest Bit Of Work and then go to bed.
blaming everything on external stressors i chose to accept in the first place, especially when i have so much inner angst, feels very dumb. but that doesn't make it necessarily *wrong*
(also remember when my grandpa died and i showed up to class the next day? that sucked. this sucks! the material is fascinating and the language is beautiful and the people are lovely and i feel like i'm walking over hot coals made out of shame!!)
let's try, next week, a little experiment. the experiment is called Fuck It, I'm Just Showing Up. we'll do the very easy thing and nothing else unless we want to. rock up to class like i'm not a waste of space. listen and take notes and try to learn things and enjoy the experience.
i don't actually think it'll go well? but THIS (*gestures at the last ten-ish (non-linear) weeks of trying and failing to do the work adequately or. like. At All*) is going very badly indeed so something has to change. we'll try it.
the worst thing that can happen is that i'll feel stupid and look bad, right? and i already feel stupid and think i look bad.
...well, no, the worst option is that i'll feel stupid and like i could have done more and CHOSE NOT TO and i'll STILL look bad and it will be 100% my fault and i'll just be mad at myself forever.
find me 8 spare hours to spend re-teaching yourself a language and transcribing it between alphabets and translating objectively difficult language and then we'll talk, asshole. for now: FUCK IT. GO TO BED.
it is too late to chew over this for ages. you can ask friends for advice later. sleep!!!
had the realization talking to a friend tonight that, perhaps, instead of thinking "oh god do they like me, i need to impress them," i should focus on "do i like them? do they impress me?"
because one way i'm worrying about something very hard to control, and the other way i have my own standards and i get to hold the whole thing at a bit of distance
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how am i feeling? stressed. numb. overwhelmed. bad.
how does my body feel? floaty, cold, stiff. the floating started *after* i took my emergency anxiety meds, which is. annoying.
ok. put on socks and a jacket; that might start to help.
i haven't watered my plants in three weeks. been longer since i vacuumed, also.
haven't sent an email i need to send or a texted someone back.
i am so, so--i feel like i've just failed and failed and failed, and not just in a general "not getting what i wanted at the times i wanted it" way but in a daily "i haven't been eating food or giving myself tea or keeping my promises to myself that i would *do things to make my life better*" way.
ok. watered the plants.
i keep thinking "i want to give up" and i don't know what i mean by that. what do you mean, you want to give up? i mean i'm tired of picking myself up off the ground over and over again at both literal and metaphorical expense to fling myself at things that don't love me back. i mean i want to go to grad school but i DON'T want to tell my recommenders "haha yeah i got into [extremely prestigious institution] but didn't go because i'm too poor to afford it and too unimpressive to win the lottery that still calls itself merit-based." i mean i don't understand why i'm so tired all the time, and why doing the things i love scares me, and why studying is so hard, and why applying myself is so hard, and i keep sitting still for hours and hours and days and days and my whole WEEK went by and i hardly NOTICED because each day was the same. more or less. somehow.
Thursday feels like it didn't happen.
i don't want to skip poetry this week but i didn't prepare a single thing i was meant to and there's no point to it if i haven't prepared because i don't have the vocab i need to do this shit casually and anyways i'm past the point of doing stuff casually, i'm better at this than i used to be, i'm meant to be better
i'm so tired of myself.
backing out is easy, right? it's meant to be easy? "Hey, So sorry but I didn't make time for this thing that makes my life feel worthwhile this week, this passion project I've spent years on, the thing I feel like actually makes me interesting and knowledgeable enough to justify being a dumbass in other areas"--wow, it's nice to speak freely
i can tell i'm being crazy. i don't care. not saying it will only make me more crazy and less productive/capable of getting what i want/trapped in a cycle of Avoidance for things that Feel Bad.
my jaw's tense, my mouth's burnt, my throat is dry. drink some water. write an email.
i have, in fact, been pretty damn diligent about pursuing my goals for years. let's just--fucking--a bad month does not ruin you. a bad day does not ruin you. it's embarassing not to be prepared! it feels bad! i don't like it! nevertheless if i had the resources to be prepared i would be, and as i am not it is fair to assume i lack the resources, and my priority should be *getting* said resources so i don't *explode and die.* as it were.
placing this much weight upon my academics, on *not looking stupid,* is also very embarassing, but to be cringe is to be human and i'm stuck with myself.
listen. babe. do you think you can do poetry today? no. okay. that's fine. go communicate that like an adult.
(if i'd been that diligent wouldn't it have worked? if i'd been that diligent wouldn't i fucking have my goddamn life in order right now? ...does everyone you know who's worked hard have their just desserts for it, babe? does ANYONE? ask any of your mentors who are winning and they'll tell you it's at least half luck. privilege matters, your work matters, your character matters, and also sometimes people luck out and sometimes they don't.)
god this is excruciating.
EMAIL SENT.
i'm gonna resume this in a bit, i think, but i don't want to lost this so i'm gonna post it
ok. back at it. person texted.
i think the anxiety meds were a good call. talking to myself in public was also a good call. i wish i'd done this earlier but there's many things i might wish different and so instead i'll just be glad to be alive and moving.
i need to eat. and i need to start my grad school apps and email my recommenders politely, with respect and decency, without tearing myself down. firstly because tearing yourself down in front of others puts them in an uncomfortable position, and secondly because if you don't speak of yourself with respect you are doing an unkindness unto yourself.
oh, and i got an email about Job Onboarding. yay. (i have a job now btw, Go Me. that's not nothing. that was a significant source of stress for months and tackling it took a week, two on the outside, and soon i'll be making money and socializing more which is good for the monkey brain and improving my baseline levels of stress.)
plan:
- go to the bathroom oh my god
- eat + do dishes
- ~~account set-up~~
- schedule other job stuff
- vacuum the second half of the room
- grad school list; make/re-activate accounts; make spreadsheet of required docs and list of people to email
- make + eat dinner
- i would LIKE to a) catch up on my cards, b) Knit, and c) listen to my audiobook. and i'd like to do these things on purpose for fun. go me. let's try. if you don't get through all of Grad School List that's okay but PLEASE start in on it
(previously in q: what's up with mystery package from hell (figure out commute during lunch, change list if needed) (actually i do not care) (sent email, no response))
head hurty. back and body aches. how about i make some tea before i finish vacuuming.
update: i did not finish tea before vacuuming. i did not even start tea. things are Off The Floor which is good, but On My Bed which is less good. need to put the vacuum up also. blargh.
mystery mail situation is resolved thanks to the power of emails! huzzah.
3 hours 40 minutes after taking my anxiety meds i feel, uh, A Big Headache. tired in a drained way. i have a few things on my list left (*start* grad school shenanigizing, put up vacuum, make tea, make food (is banana bread + yogurt + fruit + seeds an adequate dinner, who knows not me. probably not given what else i've eaten lately. hush), eat food, Do Relaxation). i feel i have been more effective than i have been at improving my circumstances. i've been meaning to vacuum for actual weeks, and i managed to reorganize my bookshelf and put up some new books that have been languishing on the floor for two weeks in the process. i went through some very annoying job stuff that furthers my goal of making, like, Any Money At All this month! cancelling poetry today was fine actually. all my conversations with people were positive. i am kind of pleased with myself.
i think i may try some grad school bullshit now and THEN do upstairs taskz and then have a chill evening. maybe i will even vidya game, who knows. okay? okay!
evening update: i love approaching baking like it's cooking. instead of using a real recipe i used my two old bananas + 2 remaining carrots + bread like ingredients in quantities approximately similar in ratio and measure both to about three other recipes. it'll be a bit before i know how it tastes as it needs to cool but i'm quite pleased by the appearance, at least!
- so like. i haven't had a day with No Obligations since the 18th. that's 10 days. tomorrow and the day after i'm working. i need A Break because i am Tired
- aaaaaaaah grad schools why do people keep telling me i'm cool and promising and they're enthusiastic about me and then i DON'T GET MONEY (or. well. i turned a place that gave me money down because of a potential supervisor leaving)
- i have so many loose threads. emails unanswered for months. i spent a fuckload of money on some stuff with the intent to make it back and Have Not Taken Steps to do that which is crappy, actually!! feels REALLY BAD! all the time bad! bad for months!
- i fucking hate letting things fester and my whole day except for poetry and a text convo has been festering
- which feels like a microcosm of my fucking life. which is unfair, probably, but. ya rab
- i straight up just? dissociated almost all the time between 6:30 and 10am??? that's not great!
- my job is getting me money, yay, but it's part time and also i keep going wildly between "i am winning" and "i'm so miserably bad at this and probably no one wants to work with me i keep fucking up i hate myself" and "hey now stop beating yourself up" and boredom and misgendering and "Holy Shit Man I Hate Your Politics So Much but i do care about you as a person! so! guess some of the Christianity stuck!!! hahahahahaha fuck my life"
- i don't know if i can a) get a job and b) move in time to maintain the illusion that grad school worked out for me but 1) i need to move yesterday, i haven't hugged a friend since fucking January, and 2) i was really hoping August would work out and i don't want to work longer. my whole year has been "well maybe i'll get answers and know what i'm doing next month!" and by year i mean. since. like. december 2023. although Applying To Grad School sure ate all of my energy for a long fucking time. so i'd LIKE to get a job and move in late August/early September. but also holy shit man
- i feel some duty to myself to still apply for more grad school jobs but i haven't had a spare afternoon with emotional support since. like. the first weekend of June. (i have had mornings with emotional support (thanks babe)) but i have been mostly using those for homework (and fugue states of misery (sorry.)) so, like. aaaaaa??????
- i'm so mad and scared and also, like, i don't have TIME to be mad and scared, i'm behind on things and also this is my short and precious life! there's people to talk to and good food to eat and nice clothes to wear and fiction to read! i don't want to waste it being upset! i've been upset since 2022, basically, and i'm really fucking tired of it!!!
- what if nothing ever works out and i'm broke forever and rely on my parents like my sister does and am an even worse resource drain and they don't get to retire and I DON'T MEET MY SELF IMPOSED DEADLINE FOR. LITERALLY 40 MINUTES FROM NOW.
- and tomorrow i have/want to be fucking chipper at people! because goddamn it, i actually genuinely want people to have their days be a bit more pleasant from interacting with me and i like running a smooth ship! when i'm not making mistakes, which i make more of when i'm tired and upset!! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
so. that's a lot of self-loathing and fear and frustration. uh. i don't know that this. resolved anything, aside from me saying the crazy out loud (and yes, i DO KNOW where the crazy is, but going "well don't be crazy" to myself is deeply unhelpful since it turns into another beating stick so. alas)
and one of my friends did an apartment tour for me this morning (holy shit) so i'm Quite Buzzy about that
my emotions are such a godawful mix of disappointment (because i'm not doing grad school this year) and excitement (living! close! to! my! friends!!) and stress (autistic struggle with routine changes and i've been in limbo for. all year. and now i'm about to have real things? for real? i'm gonna be back in actually living and not waiting to live??? plus everything feels Pressing and i feel unprepared about everything in general, like i left the house without my mask or phone or keys) and Oh Shit I Need To Do Work For Three Hours From Now keeps warring with I Need To Stress Aimlessly About The Future
and i feel like there is a clear winner there, in terms of what's better
and yet reading fanfic may yet win over both.
i don't know! everything is so much. i want to just lock down this apartment and not look at any others, even if i should do that; i want to scream; i want to talk to everyone i know; i want to lie down alone on the floor and not move for half an hour
i think my actual plan is gonna be eating lunch. and from there we'll try to do work, and keep calm, and do something i love doing, and then buzz aimlessly into the future and knock off as many tasks from my big list as possible and figure out housing and work and--all of that.
