- Rough day? - Rough year.

This is so, so good.

I mean, in a really terrible, punch-you-in-the-gut kind of way, but still.

I just love the specter of Ziva’s presence continuing to haunt Tony. Not that I wish that pain on anyone, fictional or otherwise, but again, I like that it acknowledges the show’s history and Tony’s emotional history, and the Star of David in his desk is a constant reminder of what could have been and should have been. Because it shows us that yes, this did happen, and this is still important, and this person may not be here but she’s still here, and it’s really difficult to deal with that on a daily basis. 

Because Tony could have moved that necklace to a safer spot, or buried it deep inside his apartment and avoided it, but he chose to leave it in his desk drawer, where he’d see it constantly and be reminded constantly of her. Because he doesn’t want to forget, and in many ways, he probably doesn’t want to move on even though he knows he should, because she is it and he knows it and it’s really painful to admit that that is probably never going to happen. Abby’s right, he can’t keep living in this limbo, because he’s going to end up as alone and emotionally crippled as Gibbs, and while they all may love Boss, they must know that that’s no way to live, either.

But now that he’s been confronted with his past yet again via Zoe, he’s starting to question what it is he’s doing now. Because now he’s reunited with someone he also has a different kind of history with, and it’s comfortable and familiar and feels nice, and it may be time to admit that the time has come to give up on one dream in order to pursue another kind of dream. One where an old friend comes back to town and is there. (It’s probably no accident that all the talk of Ziva leaving and never coming back parallels Zoe returning to his life in DC and offering to stay the night simply to catch up. One door closes, another opens, etc.) And it’s a testament to Tony’s growth that he opens up to Zoe so easily, and starts to tell her things he obviously hasn’t been able to tell anyone else in his circle this year. 

But again, Tony is being allowed to feel the pain of Ziva’s loss, and the loss of what might have had, and everything that goes with that. It took them so long to get to where they were and they nearly lost each other a dozen times and a dozen different ways, that it must have been so hard to think that this time was it. Hell, he went to the ends of the earth to find her more than once and they still survived. An El-Al flight away probably seems like the least likely way to end it so terminally.

“Tony, I didn’t know where you went. One day, we were patrolling River Drive, and the next... You were just gone. You just up and left. Not a phone call, not a single word...

“You needed to find your own way. I never faulted you for that. But I deserve better.”

Okay, so who are we talking about here?

Yes, this is about how Tony and Zoe left things when he left Philly (btw did we know he’d worked in Philly before Baltimore?), but this is totally about what happened in PPF, too.

Because the gist of PPF is that Ziva had to find her own way, too. That she needed to heal herself before she could move on from her own trauma, because she’s never been afforded that luxury. And event though it broke his heart, Tony respected that and that is why he got on that plane a year ago. He probably knew it was a mistake as much as she did, but she said she needed to do this, and he had no choice but to respect her choice. But that doesn’t negate the fact that as far as we know, they’ve had no contact in a year, and at a certain point, he has has to read the writing on the wall. And he deserves better than to be strung along. Which is not to say that he is being strung along, but he can’t keep living in this limbo where he puts his life on hold because he holds onto the dubious hope that she’s going to change her mind and come back. He has to let himself move forward, because he owes it to himself to find happiness, which he never will if he keeps waiting for her.

Zoe may have uttered that line, but it could have easily been said by Tony in any hypothetical reunion with Ziva, too.

I’m not ready to move on, and neither is Tony. But sometimes you have to move on regardless of what you want. And Tony does deserve to be happy, and this clearly isn’t it. So maybe it’s time to try a different reality. He’s a work in progress, after all. 

Abby: Thoughts? McGee: Well, Tony’s never mentioned her before, but Bishop’s right. I’ve never seen him act like that around someone since-- Bishop: What? Abby and McGee: It’s complicated.

OH THE FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.

Let me just say that as much as the post-season 10 era hurts as a Ziva/Tiva fan, one thing I will give the show is that it’s allowing all the characters to “grieve” her departure, but more importantly, in her absence, it’s actually acknowledging what she meant to the characters, and specifically, Tony.

Like, when Ziva was still on the show, we got the teasing moments and the unspoken confessions of love and the pining and everything else, but, on-screen at least, they danced around the subject explicitly. Everything was coded into “friends” and “couldn’t live without you I guess” and “you are so loved” etc. We could infer lots of things from their glances and their double-entendres, but due to the constraints of the story and structure, everything had to remain between the lines at best.

But now that she’s left, it’s like they’re all allowed to finally voice what her role was, specifically to Tony. (Which makes it all the more difficult to swallow that they teased it for so long on the show but never followed through, since the aftermath we’re dealing with ends up being exactly that, but that’s another post.) Because they’re all acting as though this wasn’t just another friend who moved away, not to him. Everyone is treating her departure as a breakup, because everyone saw their relationship as more than friends. Complicated, yes, absolutely, but they all know that whatever was going on between Tony and Ziva, it was more than being just pals. And they know that that’s the reason Tony  hasn’t had his heart into the whole dating scene -- because he’s still reeling from the aftermath of whatever happened in Israel the previous year. 

So maybe this isn’t the way I’d hoped we get here. (Okay, that’s an understatement.) But, at least the show hasn’t swept it under the rug. They’re allowing the characters to feel the consequences of their actions, and I feel that Tony’s arc in particular is very realistic. He’s been noticeably different since PPF (Hell, since the end of season 10, in another way), between his self-awareness and self-discovery and general subdued demeanor, and I really like that it’s clearly on purpose. 

I like that McGee and Abby notice it, and they know exactly why he is the way he is, but that they’ve let him kind of deal with it in his own way, too. 

Basically, this is essentially confirmed Tiva a whole season and a half before it’s actually confirmed and while this is obviously not the way I’d expected it, I guess you can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need?

Baby!Ziva wrote a list of things she wanted to accomplish when she was a child.

She wanted to be a dance and ride horses and travel and live in castles, and dotted her i’s with stars, because there was a time where she was allowed those dreams like any other girl.

And it’s so sad to think that probably not too long after this whimsical list was written, she probably slowly started her training into the life she didn’t know she could opt out of. Because inch by inch she was groomed until this seemed like the only natural choice for someone of her abilities and talents to contribute to her country.

That the strength she learned in dance would be used in combat. That her compassion for animals would be used to fool targets. That her castle would become an aircraft carrier and her trips would be missions. That she would become a mother, but not in the way she probably expected, doing it all backwards.

uh oh this is going to turn into a fic isn’t it

It just kills me that Ziva, going through this journey of self-discovery as she’s fleeing her latest monster, is determined enough that she seeks out this relic of her past and digs it out, specifically to kind of martyr this girl. She is so lost in self-doubt and recrimination that she uses this specific memento to reproach herself, and force herself into this latest mission of sorts -- that is, throwing out this old life of hers.

Because if she wants to stop all this, she should be stopping it for herself, but she’s so far gone that it’s like she doesn’t think there’s any saving herself anymore, and she can only change course by honoring someone else. (Maybe it’s because she was brought up that way.)

Why SM doing this WHY !!