#feelingpeace

Life and its so many combinations of choices. It's truly a mind corkscrew. I think of all the ways each and every single detail of the choices I make affect my life.

The people I encounter, the lives I cross paths with... It's all a testament to my existence. Sometimes I like to think that some of the small details don't matter, but the truth is that they do.

The truth is that everything is all interconnected, according to a higher power's plan for my life.

Scripture states that I can make my own choices, but nothing will ever hinder the plans of God. I take true refuge in knowing this. Because sometimes I feel as though I am ruining my life, but I remind myself that I will stumble at times, but my intentions are always good and my heart remains pure in every situation I find myself in.

Acknowledging this, allows me to remember that I am not as grand as I believe. That I cannot disrupt the plans of God, for he orchestrates everything. He goes before me, and paves my way, knowing my innermost thoughts and feelings every single moment of my life. He watches me sleep and keeps me safe. He is my fortress and my refuge. How amazing is it to know that I can rest in my silly human mistakes, because God loves me so deeply he will use my errors to create something beautiful.

This evening, I reflect on my solitude. How I play a part in my own heartache, and challenges. It makes me question why I've been willingly choosing hardships my entire life up until this moment. The short answer boils down to the deep hatred I feel for myself. It's because I have grown to learn that I deserve punishment and a hard life and this stems from childhood. It's as if it was lingering dormant like a virus, but finally, like a bamboo shoot, the truth has sprouted into the light, overnight.

It's ugly. The truth. I don't hate myself in a way that I wish I was someone else; more-so, in a way that I wish I was more worthy of my parents love. Because I have familiarized myself with this truth, I have entered a room of wrestling with what my conscious has recognized as truth, but it is so far from the actual truth is.

As I understand this, it is my job to rewire my brain to understand and not to self destruct. This life and all my goals and ambitions would be more easily achieved had it not been for an auto immune disease in my psych. The mind is the most powerful tool, it can work for you or against you. Rewiring this thing to work for me.