Aug 24, 2019
Send me asks to help me with reression?
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Send me asks to help me with reression?
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tw: death, anxiety, etc.
So, I'm still carrying around a lot of guilt about Dakota. Grieving definitely goes through stages and this one is particularly painful. I wasn't there when he really needed me. I'm not under the impression that I could have prevented what happened but I wasn't there. I was selfish. Everyone told me to take care of myself, that I was doing the right thing. But I would have survived picking him up that day. I would have survived him staying with me for a while. It would have been worth it to have that time with him. And I wasn't there. I feel so horrible and if I think about it for more than the time it took to type this paragraph I break down. Today I had a panic attack and a memory of my ex is what triggered it. It's been a long while since that happened and it felt like being tackled and torn down. I don't even know. I'm proud of myself for moving past it but it's tripped me up a couple times lately. I don't know. It's shit. I'm not choosing to still deal with this, it's just still here sometimes.
Perfect love doesn't exist. I know that. I'm 30 years old, so I'm beyond aware of this notion. I know how it is to feel in love. You can say ten thousand times a day "I love him," or "I'm in love with her," and it's easy. But at the end of the day, you face the reality that no, there is no perfect love. Don't mistake me. I believe in one love, in true love, but not perfect love. To have perfect love would be to love in a way that bears no flaws, no breaks, no weakness. It would mean to have love that knows no anger, no mistrust, no jealousy. You would have a love that knew no negative connotations at all. And that just isn't possible. By human nature alone, we are incapable of being positive 100% of the time, or even barely 50% of the time. As a people, we expend too much energy fighting ourselves and each other, and leave so little time for the love the world needs. How can we expect to have perfect love when we cannot simply even love ourselves? And it is love of ourselves that could open the door to nearly-perfect love. Because when we love us, we show our truest forms to others, our deepest happiness. But in a world full of pain, when trusting our neighbors is a sad, awful joke, it is safer to hide behind a wall of, "I can handle this," and "I'm fine on my own," and other such self taught lies. It is a lesson hard learned by so many to just trust, and normally when the lesson is over, it is often too late. But there is one love, and true love, and neither of them strives to be perfect. They only simply exist. They are the love that stands through pain, through the storms of life. They don't want to be perfect, because then they could no longer grow. People must grow in themselves to grow together. But it's so hard.
After a long day of being out or being alone it's nice just to be in someone else's presence. Don't need to talk much just sit next to them and watch tv or something. Yeah, that's what I need most days now
It seems i'm not close to anybody anymore.
self destruction its great really.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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