#featuring wolfstar

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third year

“Before we begin please make sure your partner next to you has properly secured their earmuffs”

Professor Sprout circled the rows of desks as students turned to one another, chatting for a bit while they waited for the next set of instructions. In the back of the classroom James Potter laughs at something Sirius Black says then looks at his own partner. He hadn’t had the need to speak to you all year, but all of the sudden there you were and he couldn’t think of a single reason why he hadn’t tried.

“How loud do you reckon they actually are?”

You’re pulled out of your daze, shifting your eyes to meet the hazel ones of your partner. You knew of James Potter and his friends. You were lucky enough to have never been subject to their merciless pranks, but heard tales of the four’s reputation and their seemingly reserved seats in detention. And now here James Potter was, asking you about Mandrakes and ‘how loud you reckon they are’

“Not louder than your mum in bed last night” Sirius interrupts in the background, James whips his head around and grimaces, “Gross mate, really?” Sirius shrugs, cackling to himself, and moves into conversation with Remus beside him. You laugh once and the ice between you and your tablemate is broken at long last. James smiles at the sound of your laugh, mentally making a note that he should hear it more.

“Sorry about that-” James starts but is quickly interrupted by Professor Sprout resuming her instruction.

“And now once you’re sure your ear muffs are on- grip the mandrake by the stem and pull firmly.”

Students all around lift their mandrakes and re-pot them according to the professor’s specific directions.

It wasn’t until after the class ended that James had the opportunity to speak to you again.

“That was some handiwork with those screechers.” You turn to him as you close your textbook. 

“What can I say, I guess I’m a natural” you muse and James’s smile only grows.

“I’m James by the way. Potter” he offers a smirk but not in a way where he expects you to be impressed but more in a genuine boyish way.

“I know who you are. I mean- everyone knows who you are. I’m Y/N. L/N.”

---

“Lily I mean it- he blew up the poor bird, it was awful.” You walk next to Lily Evans between classes, a normal occurrence but somehow never dull. The two of you had been friends since first year, finding solace in being the only two of your roommates with any connection to the muggle world.

“Evans! L/N!” Sirius Black shouts down the hall. The pair of you stopped short, silently agreeing to continue your conversation later. Sirius, Remus, James and Peter pick up their pace to meet the two of you.

Months had passed since your first interaction with the marauders and since then you found yourself around them more often than not. You didn’t complain though, it was nice to have a secure group of friends at hogwarts, especially if it meant you didn’t have to awkwardly squeeze between random students in the great hall.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?" You jest. James eyes you fondly, taking note of your warm smile. You met James’s eye and your own heart began to race. A moment of silence passed before Sirius stepped forward.

“Nothing at all, lovely L/N. Dearest Evans, will you accompany Remus, Peter and I on a stroll through the courtyard” Sirius winks at Lily, a mischievous glint in his demeanor. You looked between the trio and your friend, confusion taking over.

“But we were just-”

“Of course, Black. Let’s be on our way. I’ll catch up with you later,” Lily patted your shoulder once before leaving you in the hallway. You watched them walk down the hallway, a shortlived sense of betrayal overcoming you.

“Uhm- hi.” You looked back to James who watched Sirius and the other’s walk off just a moment longer. When he looked back to you a soft smile overcame his face.

“Hi.” James offered back then continued, “uhm I wanted to ask you something”. Your eyes widened slightly at the stutter in your heartbeat. You and James have spent loads of time together in the past. Why was now any different? Was it related to your sudden longing to run your fingers through his dark curls? Or the giddyness you felt whenever he called you something sweet?

“Yeah of course,” You shook your head and brought your thoughts back to the present conversation, “What’s up?”

“Well, you know there’s a Hogsmede trip coming up,” James started, his head dropped to watch the shuffling of his feet, “I was- well I thought maybe you’d like to, uhm, come with me? To the three broomsticks or anywhere else?” James didn’t meet your eye again until he finished his statement. He brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. Your eyes brightened and you took a step toward the boy.

“Like a date?” You asked, hopeful. Jame’s features lit up. “Yeah, like a date.”

---

seventh year

The marauders sat in the Gryffindor common room, celebrating finally being done with their N.E.W.T.s. While Lily cradled a bowl of popcorn in her lap on an armchair, Peter played a card game Remus and Sirius watched his boyfriend with adoration, you and James sat on the couch in complete bliss.

The past few weeks had been stressful on everyone, studying for exams and keeping up with classes meant very little time to galavant around the castle or even converse with friends for more than a few minutes. Exams finally being over was the best thing to happen to your friends. Relief washed over not only you and your friends but the entirety of Hogwarts. Where once the libraries were full and free spaces were sparse- now that same population was found out on the green or near the Black Lake.

“I am so glad we’re finally done. It feels like I can finally breathe” You let out a sigh, playing with the few rings on James’s fingers. Sirius nodded enthusiastically and Peter looked up for a minute, missing the jack that had just been laid down and thus losing that round of cards.

“I think it’s best for all of us that we are never given a test again” Peter concludes and sits back on his knees, taking a few chips from one of the bowls of snacks placed around the floor. Lily hums in agreement.

“It’s strange to think that we’re almost done with our studies altogether” Remus comments, “Hogwarts feels like my entire life”. It was James’s turn to nod now. “Now is when the rest of our lives begin.” Dorcas and Marlene walked into the common room then, swinging the fat lady portrait open, Mary not too far behind them. The three girls joined the group in front of the dormant fireplace. Mary ruffled Sirius’s hair then stole a handful of popcorn from Lily. 

“So, how are we celebrating?” Dorcas grins, leaning against the back of the couch where you and James are sat.

“This isn’t celebrating?” Peter asked, his eyebrows raising slightly.

“Heavens no!” Sirius jumps up, “We have to take on the town, we are done with the last ever standardized tests we will have to take! We don’t have to worry about remembering the ingredients to whatever bloody potion Slughorn demands ever again!” James laughs at this, having had to study particularly hard for the potions exam.

You look up at your boyfriend, quickly pecking him on his jaw then looking at the rest of your friends.

“I’m out, I still have muggle studies tomorrow” Remus sighs, beginning to put the card game away.

“Booo” you exclaim.

“Speaking of, Y/N, aren’t you supposed to leave after we graduate? For America or something?” Peter inquires. Eyes are suddenly on you. Your neck grows hot at remembering your father’s request to join him in America to get in touch with your muggle half.

“Uh, yeah…” You trail, finding your thumbs twiddling more interesting than anything else in that moment. James slings an arm over your shoulder and rubs it comfortingly, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“What’s your guys’ plan for that? Surely long distance?” Sirius swat’s Remus’s thigh at his statement. 

James looks down at you, a certain fondness having never left his eye since that first day in Herbology. The two of you had held off on talking about life after Hogwarts. You had tried to bring it up to James, but the boy deflected the topic each time- ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’- but now the bridge was a mere few feet away and no plan had been made.

You were nervous, scared even and if James was too- he didn’t show it.

“We’ll work it out.” He was terrified.

---

months later

You stopped in the middle of the airport. Your friends rallied behind you, not quite ready to say goodbye but ready to see you move into the next point of your life.

You turned to face your friends, a suitcase on either side of you. Lily took a step forward and was the first to bring you into a tight embrace.

“You have my number- please call. I don’t care how much it costs, I can't not talk to you ever again.” She muttered so only the two of you could hear. You wrapped your arms around the redhead and tears pricked at your eyes. Before now you and Lily hadn’t been apart for more than a few months over 7 years. You didn’t know what you were going to do without her.

After a moment Lily stepped back, she wiped a few tears from her vibrant eyes. Remus and Sirius were the next to step up.

“Good luck out there Y/N, it’s been a pleasure.” Sirius put a hand on your shoulder and you laughed at his serious expression. “I’m not going off to war, Black, I’ll be back to visit soon enough.” you pulled the boy into a hug. When the two of you broke apart you turned to Remus. You and him hadn’t been very close, but he was still a very dear friend in your heart.

“You’re going to do great things, Y/N.” He offered a small and sad kind of smile. You nodded “You will too Lupin. You’re one of the smartest people I know.” You and Remus hugged each other, he patted your back a few times then went to join the group.

Your remaining friends- Peter, Dorcas, Marlene, Mary, even Regulus (though you were sure he was there because his brother was his ride)- said their goodbyes, and with each hug from your loved ones, it became clearer to you how hard this was going to be. You couldn’t believe you were leaving. It didn’t feel real and you didn’t want it to be.

James stood at the back of the group, taking a few steps forward. His eyes still puffy from your joint crying session the night before.

“I- I don’t know where to begin-” he started, in front of you now. You took his hands in yours, trying to keep yourself from sobbing in the middle of the airport. 

“We’ll be okay, James. I promise. I will call and write and I’m looking for times I can come visit.” You sounded like you were trying to convince yourself. Hogwarts had been your entire life, you didn’t think you’d ever truly be prepared to leave. You lifted a hand to brush the side of his handsome face, pulling lightly on a stray curl.

“I know.” James responded and moved his hands to wrap around you. One last hug. You squeezed the boy for what seemed like forever. James pulled back for a moment and dipped his head down to yours, capturing your lips with his. One last kiss. This kiss was made of eagerness and uncertainty. You wanted to believe you would see him soon, that you would see all of your friends soon but the only thing you were sure of was that you couldn’t be sure of anything.

When the two of you broke apart you looked up at a clock on a wall and dropped your head. Your flight was leaving in an hour and a half and you still had to make it through security. Sorrow swallowed your heart, and you couldn’t bear to look up at your boyfriend- it would only make it harder.

“I have to go.” your words were soft, barely above a whisper and even if James didn’t hear you, he could’ve caught the message.

“What if I came with you-” Your head sprung back up, meeting James’s eyes once more. Your brows furrowed, “What-?”

“I can still buy a ticket, probably. I’ll come with you, I’ve always wanted to go to America.” James grabbed your hands once more and tears pricked your eyes.

“James…” you trailed and the boy nodded in understanding. His head dropped and he nodded. James knew he couldn’t go with you. Not now as he is starting his quidditch career. When he looked back up his eyes were glassy, leftover tears threatening to fall. He couldn’t cry though, he knew it wouldn’t do anything in the grand scheme.

“I love you,” He whispered, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. You sniffed, smiling sadly.

“I love you too. I’ll call you as soon as I can find a phone.” You pulled your hands from his and took your suitcases. James took a single step back and watched you take a deep breath and begin to walk towards the security line.

It took everything in you to not look back, because if you did, you knew you’d never make it to America.

---

approximately two months later

You knew it would be hard accommodating to your new life, but you didn’t think you would be so immediately homesick. The culture shock wasn’t even the worst part. You could get used to the different accents and driving on the other side of the road but what you couldn’t get used to was your roommate.

Lydia seemed nice, she really did, and you tried your best to get along with her when you initially moved into the university dorms. She just- wasn’t around much. Constantly partying and going out with her American friends meant you were alone most of the time in an unfamiliar city.

You tried your best to keep in contact with your father but his job left him unavailable as well for most of the day.

But by now you had established a routine- go to class, stop by a little cafe on the way home, study, call whoever was awake back home, go to sleep, repeat. Tonight you called Lily.

“So your roommate is out again?” Lily sat on her own couch, the chord of her phone stretched almost to capacity in an effort to catch some privacy from her family in the other room.

“Yeah, I don’t even know how she finds something to do every night. I mean- it’s Wednesday, there can’t be much open tonight.” You laid your head back onto your pillow, staring up at your ceiling.

“I mean, it sounds like she’s got wicked stamina,” Lily joked. You laughed with her. You missed her knowing smirk whenever she joked with you.

“Yeah I guess so. Hey, have you heard from James recently? I keep trying to catch him but haven’t been able to get through.” Your smile fell a bit, hoping Lily would offer some reassurance about your missing boyfriend.

“Uh yeah- him, the guys and I went out the other night to a pub- that’s why I didn’t pick up Saturday. I thought he would’ve called you afterwards.” Your frown deepened. You knew Quidditch was going to eat up his time but you didn’t think he wouldn’t have any time at all for a quick catch up.

“He didn’t- but I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll try him again a bit later” You and Lily talked for a while longer before she had to leave for work. You checked the time- you should get to bed soon but you couldn’t without trying James one more time.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ri-

“Hello?”

“James? Finally- I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in forever.” You smiled.

“Love, I am so sorry about not picking up- I know these collect calls are a lot- I’ve just been busy with quidditch and work-”

“Hey no- I get it. I’ve been pretty locked in too.” You sat up, turning to look out the window next to your bed. “I’m just glad I got through to you.”

You and James talked for what seemed like forever, though in reality it was only an hour or two. When you two finally hung up you felt a sense of relief wash over you. In the back of your mind you were worried James might have been avoiding you for whatever reason. 

Yours and James’s calls became more frequent after that- even if it was just a quick call to say “I love you”. You even started going out with your roommate- maybe she finally caught on to your loneliness and started inviting you out with her and her friends.

Things were looking up. For a while.

You had originally planned to return home for the winter holidays, wanting to check in on your mother and friends, but as work picked up you began to doubt that you would make it back. For some reason your professors believed it was a good idea to assign a ton of homework for the winter break- and your father began insisting on you getting a part time job to fill some of the empty spaces in your life.

“James I-”

“No I understand- you’re still adjusting over there. I just thought it wouldn’t be this long until I saw you again” James was pacing in his kitchen. Euphemia and Fleamont watched their son with worry. They had never seen him so distressed.

“I know darling, but I didn’t think I would be this busy during the holidays.” You were sat on the edge of your bed. A stack of paperwork waited for you a couple feet away. “And I’m really busy right now so could we just- talk about this later?” You felt yourself getting a little choked up- but held back any tears.

“Yeah- yeah whatever. Talk to you later y/n.” James sounded defeated as he slammed the phone back on the hook. He grabbed his coat and walked out the front door.

You on the other hand tried to get your bearings together because no matter what the state of your relationship was- your homework wasn’t going to wait.

---

You and James didn’t talk much after that. You didn’t know how to talk to him since it looked like you would be in America for longer than planned. The next time you called him you were on spring break.

“Hey James.” When you spoke your voice was nervous. You didn’t want to fight with him again.

“Hi lovely.” There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “Uhm, how’s school?”

“Good, it’s good. Lot’s of work, per usual. But… good.” It was awkward. It was never awkward. Not with James.

“That’s uh- good to hear. Quidditch is going well. We won this past weekend and everyone came to see it. Remus got trashed at the after party if you can believe it,” You smiled at this. You knew he would be doing great things. You wanted to be there for him more than anything.

“That’s amazing,” You wanted the best for him, and since your last talk your mind has been racing. In the back of your mind you knew you needed to let go before it was harder for both of you.

This was the farthest thing from what you wanted to do.

“Jamie,” James stopped his ramble about how the weather had been recently, “James, I-” you started tearing up. Despite your best efforts your voice began to betray you.

“What’s wrong lovely?” Oh how you wanted one of his famous James Potter hugs right now.

“I- it’s been really hard being so far from you all. And all I want- all I’ve ever wanted is the best for you. I just- I don’t think-” You stopped to take a breath “I think we should break up.” 

“What? Y/N what are you talking about?” James swore he could feel his heart shattering.

“I mean think about it James, we never have time to call- who knows when I’m going to make it back over there. It’s just- it isn’t realistic for us to stay together. It’s hurting us both. I want you to go far in your career and you can’t do that if you’re staying up until the crack of dawn to talk to me” It took everything for you to not break down. “I don’t think this is working anymore.”

James was quiet for a moment, on his end of the line he was in shock. He knew things had been hard and the two of you had been distant recently but nothing could have prepared him for this.

“Is that what you want?”

No.

“Yes.” You squeezed your eyes shut, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You ran a hand over your face before speaking again. “I love you so much James, I think I always will. But this is too hard on the both of us to prolong the inevitable any more than we already have. I hope we can still be friends but the pressure of a relationship from so far away and so much uncertainty on when we’ll even be able to talk to each other…”

James was quiet again.

Fleamont had walked into the kitchen where James was sitting on the counter next to the phone. His son had been worried about the state of his relationship- even going so far as to inquire about plane tickets to America but he couldn’t find a good enough time.

On a certain level James knew what you were talking about. He was only getting busier the more he practiced for quidditch and looking for a place to move out into now that he had a steady income.

On a certain level, James agreed with you. He just didn’t want to.

“We can work it out. I’ll call more and- and I can come visit you-” You shook your head even though he couldn’t hear you.

“James…” You trailed off. Just like you had at the airport when you left. He knew that you had made up your mind. “This- calling every night, and then having to do work after, it’s- it’s exhausting. I’m so tired of giving myself hope that a relationship over the phone will work forever.”

“You’re-” James sniffed, his own tears forming in his eyes, “You’re probably right.”

With that you hung up the phone, finally allowing yourself to break down. Your roommate came in, stunned when she saw you hunched over and crying. She sat next to you on your bed and held you. You sobbed into her shoulder for the rest of the night.

After you had hung up James didn’t know what to do with himself. He hung up the phone and walked past his father and out the door. He soon found himself at Sirius and Remus’s apartment a couple blocks away and when they answered the door it’s like they could tell what happened.

An over the ocean call is how I told him ‘this isn’t working anymore’...