#feat. jesse

Their head angled to one side as they considered the lighting, finally happy with it before moving to sit back on the floor pillow they had set up, starting to record. “Okay,” they murmured, giving themselves a little shake, as if to reset their thoughts. “Where to start....I wasn’t going to do this, originally. I’m not sure I agree with time capsules, as like….a concept,” they said, wrinkling up their nose. “Besides, I’m a freshman. I’ve only been here for a few months. And it’s not like they’ve been….normal. So I’m not sure if I’m the best person to speak to what Ogden was like fifty years ago. For you. Fifty years ago for you guys. Not to mention, I kinda….doubt any of it mattering that much. No matter who is speaking about it,” they added, shrugging up their shoulders, an exhale accompanying their slump to their original position.

“But I also feel like everyone is going to give the same sorta refrain - somewhere between college is the best four years of your life and fuck this place. And I don’t agree with either of those,” Jacqui mused, eyes losing their focus, looking off into the distances as they rambled. “Maybe I just feel like playing the contrarian,” they quipped, a grin lifting one side of their lips.

“But, you know...when I was touring colleges last year, and came to see Ogden…the campus made me feel like I had found something special. Something to treasure. And that’s pretty fucking cool, with how fucked up everything in the world is. Honestly...I had been looking for that ever since…well, ever since I met this guy a couple years ago.” 

As soon as Jacqui said it, they scrunched up their nose, curling their lip up in a hint of disgust - damn, couldn’t even pass the Bechdel test when talking to themselves. But...it was honest. 

“He made me think he cared about me,” they continued, the words coming out slowly as she began to speak again. “Made me feel like….I don’t know. Life is so fucked up, you know. Nothing matters. We’re all just trying to get from point a to point b, but…Jesse made me feel like I mattered,” she said, refocusing into the camera lens as their expression turned contemplative, a small crease appearing on their forehead.

“And then it turned out it was all just…fake. A game for him. A literal bet. And once he won, he just ghosted. Even though I was…”

With that, Jacqui shook their head, cutting themselves off. No, somethings were better left unsaid. Even if no one would know about it for decades.

“Anyways. I don’t hold it against him,” they said, pressing their lips together. “Maybe I should, but I don’t. Because I think that while he was pretending to be whoever he needed to fool me…he was actually more himself than he normally is. And damn, if I can’t relate to that. Think we all can, in a way.” Jacqui shrugged again, a quiet sniff following the words.

“All that to say that I guess my advice or whatever…life is too short. Do what you want to do. Even if you’re scared how it’s going to look to other people. Just be yourself. God, we’re all just floating in space on a fucking rock. Who cares what other people think?”