#feastingonchrist

lots of anxiety because my dad is finally deciding to divorce his extremely manipulative & controlling wife and is moving back to my state and is coming today and really wants to see me and my siblings. Not sure what day we’re supposed to meet tho. I haven’t seen him in 5 years and i have had very minimal contact w him cause she isolated him and only allowed us to talk on the phone on speaker and none of us were having that. Obviously he is to blame in allowing that and never being present. I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this right now but i’m open to hearing him out. He even called my mom to tell her how sorry he was for what he did to her and to us. Apparently he is gonna put me back on his insurance. So we’ll see how this goes. It’s been many, many years of hurt and unspoken feelings/conversations. Definitely want things to move slow. Please keep us in your prayers - whatever is on your heart. Prayer for his and her (the wife’s) salvation, too. Thank you. Edit: things went well!!!! Thank you for the prayers!

this is not a sad post but an honest one. please be careful for what type of Christian content you consume online. there are people who do mean well in their approach in wanting to help others on their walk, but, they can get real legalistic/works based, real fast. it causes people to take their eyes off of Jesus and put a whole lot of pressure on themselves with a fear of messing up and trying to be perfect and micro manage ourselves all the time. there is so much pride in that and it's so sneaky that we don't even realize that's what we're operating under because we're trying to do our best but in our own strength not His. that has actually happened to me recently and i find that so crazy considering God brought me such a long way from doing all of that at the beginning on my walk with Him. it feels like i have gone completely backwards and it's discouraging, although i know He will deliver me from this again. it's also even harder because i feel like my trust in Him has severely declined already since last summer (it was extremely bad and i have still not really recovered from knowing how to trust Him like i did before) and now that a lot of change has taken place in my life since before the new year-now and not knowing what is going on in my life and fear i'm going to mess everything up..... it's like He keeps tearing down wobbly foundations i keep building my faith upon. i'm starting to learn if it's something i really need to know from Him and Him guiding me somewhere and not just relying on "confirmations" and self perceived "discernment" then i will know in time. not me trying to figure anything out but just "being". i've been exhausted and weary and overwhelmed. i told Him we need to start over with this whole situation. surrender is a beautiful, humbling thing. so thankful to have Him as my source of emotional comfort and safety, especially as someone who craves intimacy and vulnerability and personal connection but never truly had that or was ever able to express that or even feel like or know how to be a real person. He is the only one who can truly save us but it is also 100% okay to crave connection with others as long as we don't get that confused (this is why it's important to heal from trauma and unhealthy attachment styles!!) anywaysies: intimacy with Him is always more important than anything we can do. of course we have to do our part and be obedient but that's when it's through Him and by obedience, not taking it into our own hands or taking anyone else's word for it... especially those who aren't exactly "qualified" to do so. leadership and mentorship is very important in the body of Christ!!! it should never add burdens. put on Christ for His yoke is easy and His burden is light 😁❤️‍🩹

no wonder i’ve felt like garbage (other than the haze and derealization mind fog from the seizure) ITS BECAUSE I HAVE FALLEN OFF OF MY ROUTINES OH MY GOSH. This is why i haven’t eaten breakfast in 6 days now because i didn’t realize how important it was and since i’m not going to work i’m not thinking about how i need my chocolate milk and yogurt at 8:25 am…. You wouldn’t believe the common sense that just flies out of the window when i’m ultra mega super stressed out. This afternoon i just got back to feeling overall grounded and feeling normal for once since last Thursday. Idk if it’s because going to canes has been a safe food for me and i felt better once having it for the third time now this week. Maybe i’m in burnout idk but the constant change and stress has gotten the best of me and sometimes i just get scared.

Haven’t felt this lost, confused or delusional in my spiritual life in like 3 years i would say. I have no clue what’s going on. I could be totally wrong in what i have an idea of what God is up to and where i’m going next. Idk why He is so quiet but it’s stressing me out 😭

Lowkey prayer req cause i just ate rice for the first time in several years. Pls pray it doesn’t effect my digestion. I had to stop eating it because it’d get clogged in my throat and i was unable to eat anything for days. But since last summer, i have been testing my boundaries & eating in faith more. I have been able to eat pretty much anything other than rice. I got indian food and decided it was the perfect time to try it and i really enjoyed it :)

Been waterboarded by traumatic events back to back since May and now i think i’m drowning in grief, loneliness, shame, guilt, anger and too many other emotions that are overstimulating me to the point of numbness and it’s taking a toll on my physical health and i feel burned out and my appetite is so messed up and it’s making me very depressed because i cannot find any stability in my daily routines or if i do the routine gets interrupted and i am just in fight or flight.