#fearingtheworst

About to do Episode 4 of the podcast, but after that Oiler game I need a drink, this should do for a couple hours anyway #Oilers #fearingtheworst #notlookinggood https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo0KxAXhdTf/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1r8o4h9vpv3lp

I just texted my crush telling him that I like him. Now I wait in agony fearing the worst about what he'll say...

I don't talk about it, nor do i want to consume myself in it. but it has gotten so bad i dont even know what to do at this point. I can't eat, sleep or even process thoughts normally any more.

Im not perfect and I dont pretend to be, and over the last few years Ive made a shit load of mistakes trying to figure out my place in life, who I can and can’t trust, and whats right from wrong. I have to learn by experience cus Ive never been the type of person to be able to just follow orders or do what Im told if its not for any reason other than my own or if I disagree with it. And having to deal with people using me while trying to learn how to live with a body thats avidly trying to kill itself has been a horrendous struggle in its own. Ill admit I’ve made more bad decisions than good ones in my half a decade long binge of drugs criminal life and influenced decisions but Ive worked my fuckin ass off tryin to mend the relationships ive damaged but managed to keep yet the one thing no one but myself can seem to do is come to terms with and let go of my past. Ive been clean n sober of all hard drugs for 14months now yet I dont get treated any different and when I was using gets thrown in my face almost on a daily basis. And the one relationship/person who is supposed to be completely without a doubt understanding and supportive is my fianceé but lately she hasnt been. Its been the opposite. Yes, I havent been the greatest boyfriend and fianceé but Ive done and continue to fight n do all that I can to make her happy especially seein how the last time I fucked up was 19 months ago and in that time have done everything and anything in my power to make her happy n make her feel loved n reassured that none of the mistakes from my past will EVER happen again but Im pretty sure she doesnt believe me and it doesnt help that she dwells on every little thing ive ever done wrong and replays them in her head so much that she tricks herself into this paranoia that Im either doing something wrong or that Im going to do something wrong or that Im hiding something. It doesnt help that within the last few months shes fucked up and has broken my trust in her yet Im still here trying to work it out all the while having to wonder if theres anything going on behind my back. Its a constant back n forth of hurt n distrust and its killing all that weve worked for. How do we get past all of this? How do we let go of the hurt n move on to the happiness we were striving for. Were supposed to get married on my birthday this year but things keep happening that give me doubts that shes ready. And I fucking hate it. Its hard enough having to be deathly ill 6 out of 7 days a week unable to get treated or even get answers as to why I have to continuously suffer but to have to go thru this all on a daily basis at the same time being afraid that love isnt enough in this relationship and that me being sick and the mistakes I made the first year we were together will be too much for her to handle. Im constantly afraid that shes guna break and leave. And I cant blame her if she does cus who wants to have to watch the one they love slowly die.. I watched the very diseases I have destroy any chance of my parents reconciling what little they have left for eachother and I see it happening to us already. Id give anything for us to be happy and have a long life together but Im scared it wont be possible cus I have to deal with my health dissipating at the same time having to be the strong reassuring force in her life that we can make it but it cant happen unless she can let go of the past n quit letting my past mistakes affect our current stage in our relationship n trust me and unless I can let the hurt ive been thru along with her mistakes affecting my ability to trust her. Ive more than given my heart soul and self entirely to her but its up to her if she can accept that and know for absolute certain this is what she wants and that shes willing to do whatever it takes to be together. Ive been doing n will continue to do everything I can to prove to her that she is the only one I love, ever really been in love with, and that when I say something I fuckin mean it. Not question everything with doubt and expect me not to do the same. There are many things in this relationship where equality doesnt exist All I can do is hope for the best n try my hardest to make her happy but she needs to let me do it and let herself be happy instead of drowning herself in negatives…..got a lot of work ahead of us. Im praying that it will work. I know it can, I know it can without a doubt. But both sides need to be willing to let go of the past, live in the now, n lool forward to the POSITIVES that will come.