#fear'

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Close your eyes tight and count to three, are there not so many wonderful colours to see? If you keep shut your eyes but open your mind, there are many wondrous things you will find. In the fairy-tale kingdom near the great pumpkin patch, you can see baby scarecrows beginning to hatch. You’re gone with the wind! My young friend you are magic! Your untimely death would be awfully tragic… Farther afield at the great bon-bon bridge; you’ll find the young toll-troll who calls himself ‘Midge’. Don’t worry about midge though, he’s awfully sweet. He just uses the river to soak his poor feet. Just give him a smile a wink and a song, and he’ll let you get over that bridge before long. Of course things are different for a buxom young lass, the troll wants something quite special to pass. (Sadly that thing is his dick in your ass.) Of course after that, which won’t take too long, you can continue your journey with a limp and a song. Look all around you, there’s creatures abound! Oh, can’t you hear that wonderful sound? I hear a ‘tweeting’ a ‘twirk’ and a ‘twoo’ and, oh, I hope, I HOPE, so do you! I heard something special, oh yes I sure did, and look it’s a ‘Slein’ but now he has hid! Have you ever heard of the cute little Slein? Trying to describe them is a bit of a pain. They’re all very small, about the size of your foot, and I really must say they’re indescribably cute. They’re purple all over with small legs and small arms, and sometimes they live in these very small farms. Blue bones like Mahicans protrude from their head, and if you were to step on one, you’d wish you were dead. But don’t you worry, the Sleins are so sweet, that the farmers who farm them cut them up for Slein meat. Sure they’re a docile and wonderful bunch, but Sautéed and fried they've quite the nice crunch. Oh my, you’re crying, you want to leave this place? Come now dear wipe the tears from your face. If you leave now I will feel awfully sad, you've yet to see gummy bear mountain and you’ll wish that you had. Come with me now, away from the Slein, and their torturous, indescribable pain. Scaling the mountain, you’re doing so well, let’s hope this isn't a gateway to hell. Gasp! What is that noise? Do I hear a bell? Oh dear, this journey is not going well. Uh-oh, here’s trouble it is plain to see, are you not scared? WELL YOU FUCKING SHOULD BE! It’s funny how dreams can turn into hell, at the faintest ringing of the tiniest bell. It’s funny just how fragile your sweet dreams are, All hail, Boogie; the nightmare Czar! Boogie is not going to slice you or dice you, He’s just going to take you and fucking de-nice you. He’s a horrible critter, you’ll wriggle, you’ll scream, but you’ll never awaken from this not so nice dream. I think I hear you asking, “Author, what the hell?” “That adventure you took me on wasn’t so swell.” OKAY! I guess it’s time for confessin’, I did it all to teach you a lesson. Here it is the lesson is plain and the lesson is true I’m NOT just insane; We are all walking along a very large knife, and the edge on which we walk is the thing we call ‘life’. So don’t be so serious, young lassie or lad, after all, children, we’re all fucking mad.

-Anne Lamott