he didn’t mean to be following lidiya everywhere she went --- hannes hoped she hadn’t noticed him, or it would be extremely awkward --- but he couldn’t help himself. she was so beautiful, almost ethereal. and while they didn’t have anything, hannes still needed to keep an eye open for anyone who tried to take advantage of her. the feelings he had for lidiya he knew like the palm of his hand --- the way her smile could make him smile, or just how her sight could make his day better --- but hannes was aware that nothing good would come out of it. her saints loved a tragedy, and perhaps they were their newest one. what could he offer her ? he was a fjerdan, for djel’s sake. hannes had nothing back on fjerda than a thirst for revenge and five graves to visit. lidiya deserved way more than he could do --- she deserved a war hero, someone who could give her all the golds in the world and a beautiful family. he couldn’t give none of it. and it pained him to see her talking with people who could. he sighed, tired of just following and doing nothing. wasn’t pretending to be someone else the outcome of a masquerade pretending to be someone else ? hannes did that every day, but today he was going to be ivan, and just him. he walked slowly to where lidiya was, glaring deadly at the person talking to her until they left. “ i hope you wasn’t going to dance with them. ” he commented casually, suddenly feeling aware of how poor dressed he was. 

however, he wasn’t at the training grounds to dwell about how he wanted to die. lidiya asked him to help her to learn how to fight, and while he wasn’t the best fighter --- because of his leg --- he didn’t trust anyone there to help her rather than himself. he understood why she asked his help, but he wasn’t happy. he was a druskelle above all, and was afraid to hurt her. learn how to fight wasn’t easy, and hannes had scars, both physically and mentally, from his at as a druskelle pupil. but what did lidiya ask of him smiling that he didn’t do, even if he was crying ? she had that power over him, even if hannes didn’t admit.  he turned around, just in time to see her arriving. “ lidiya. ” he greeted her, getting up from where he was sitting. “ i hope you don’t mind if i’m out of shape. it’s been a while since i sparred with someone else. ”

hannes was well aware of what that could bring --- he heard many, if not all, older druskelle, telling him to not get attached to anyone. he tried, at first. it was easy until he needed someone to repair a shirt for, and then he met her. hannes blamed the homesickness firstly, as she reminded him of the fjerdan women. then, he blamed the grisha. if they actually treated her right and valued her work, hannes wouldn’t be feeling whatever he was feeling. he couldn’t bring it to words, or even think about them. grisha or non grisha, she was still the enemy, and an obstacle between hannes and his primary objective. but his face softened, almost imperceptible, at the sight of her. “ i hope you can save a dance for me, lidiya. ”

oh, lidiya. what would she do if she knew the truth about hannes ? that he wasn’t ivan, the wuiet and ruthless guard who had a soft spot for her, who helped her with self-defence --- who, just hours ago, was dancing tenderly with her in a balcony ? that wasn’t fair with her. hannes was the one who chose that life, and he never wanted to drag her with him. it was almost a curse, and he accepted that romantic love wasn’t for him, but he wanted to try for lidiya. and it seemed like djel was punishing him --- or congratulating him --- because hannes was sure he saw lidiya’s blonde locks exiting the ballroom. “ lidiya ? ” he asked cautiously, trying to not sound as broken as he felt. “ lidiya, is that you ? ”