;; ๐ก๐ญ Headcanon Time, featuring @fawfulydoo
Your hands moved almost as fast as your mind. Iโm sorry you couldnโt see these drawings. Rest in Peace, my friend... I miss you so much โค๏ธโ๐ฉน๐
Dear Shay,
I write this letter to the universe, in hopes my words find you, and hug youโฆ. There is so much I want to tell you.
I wrote you a letter when I found out about your passing. I was horrified, and confused. I couldnโt begin to fathom the pain of your loss. I thought of your birds, of your roommate, your friends, and your family, and how hard it must be for them to lose you ๐ข๐ I was concerned I wasnโt processing it well due to my Autism; we had talked a week prior to your passing, and finding out three days later filled me with dread.
I was afraid you had died a painful death, I didnโt want to know if it was related to our conversation. You told me you were almost done moving into your new apartment; you were so tired, but you sounded so proud ๐ You wanted to celebrate by going to the beach ๐ I was so happy for you! โค๏ธโ๐ฉน You were so ready to start a new chapter of your life, itโs all so unfair!!!!! ๐๐ I was worried about you, wondering what was going through your head when it happened ๐ฐ๐ข๐๐ I cried over you that night, and the morning after.
A few days later a friend told me it was due to Cardiac Arrest. You had moved out on your own, and couldnโt get help when it happened ๐๐๐๐ I was torn by the news, but somehow it comforted me to know it wasnโt a car crash. My feelings were confusing at the time, I was concerned I wasnโt mourning you properly. I couldnโt cry properly for several weeks, Iโd just weep a bit in silence and continue with my duties.
I was struggling to process what I was feeling, but it was that week I felt your presence the most. I went out with my peers, lagging behind for privacy, trying to keep myself together while keeping conversation, when there on the parking lot I found a $5 dollar bill. I know it sounds corny, but I just know, I just Know it was you! Like you were trying to tell me โHey, donโt cry! Look! Thereโs a dollar!โ ๐ข It was like you knew I wanted to spend more time with you ๐ฅนโค๏ธโ๐ฉน I felt so grateful, and validated, so I wrote a second draft of my goodbye letter. I knew I had to finish these drawings.
On the first draft I had promised your memory would live in me. I took the making of these drawings as a way to spend more time with your memory. Iโve been listening to the music you sent me, and watching shows that remind me of you. Someone drew a Fawful in WPlace over my hometown, it put a smile on my face! I took a screenshot, I wanted you to see it.
I rewatched Enter The Florpus to test some TV settings because I remembered you got into Invader Zim through that movie; I thought of you the entire time. Remember when I told you Okarun from DanDaDan reminded me of you? Itโs been hard not to think of you when they drop the new episodes every Thursday โค๏ธโ๐ฉน That character is as sweet and passionate as you, I always meant the comparison with love.
They released a documentary on the band DEVO last week. I remember you had told me you wanted to check them out, so I subscribed to notifications so I wouldnโt miss the release, and I donโt know if you would have been interested in watching it, but I watched it for you! And let me just tell you that it blew me away. I was astonished, I wasnโt expecting their message to be so intense! Who knew the funny hats and monkey imagery were trying to denounce Imperialist mindset of the American culture and warn us about the inherent violence of conformity! ๐ง I have newfound respect for them now. I was checking out their music while working on these drawings.
I felt your presence, but it wasnโt easy. I was terrified of checking social media, afraid the algorithm would show me posts you liked. It was hard to shake it off my mind. It would specially catch me off guard when checking Instagram ๐ข Friends would send me memes, and sometimes your icon would pop up. It was painful ๐๐ Instagram sent me this notification two days after finding out about your passing, it felt like it was playing with my feelings ๐ข๐
I miss seeing your activity pop on Discord. I miss your Instagram stories, and your personal posts talking about your new life ๐ I know we werenโt the closest friends, but you inspired me so much ๐ฅบ
On your 20th birthday, you asked people not to make comments about how things would get tougher from there. You wanted to live life with practical optimism, like you didnโt want to worry about things until they happened. I admired you so much for that, I wish I had told you. I guess I was afraid Iโd come off as desperate.
I guess us Millennials are to blame for Gen Zโs anxiety. We were very vocal about our disappointment and impending sense of doom. As someone who had spent her early 20โs struggling with recurring S**cidal Thoughts due to depression, the passing of the years felt like an hourglass, reminding me that every year passed was a year wasted. I struggled with them so often, I developed Executive Dysfunction, which affected my art abilities. It took me many years of learning to love myself, but I was able to beat my depression. I know you had ADHD, and the reason you did so much animation was because a drawing wouldnโt feel complete enough for you unless it was elaborate. I always thought of us as the Immovable Object and the Unstoppable Force. I was so embarrassed so I never told you, but I genuinely looked up to you ๐ฅนโญ๏ธ It made me so proud to see you had chosen to prioritize your mental health at such an early age, you inspire me so much. You always encouraged me to try harder, and Iโd be afraid I was disappointing you; I still feel it was for the better not to tell you what was going on, I knew it would kill the mood and I wouldnโt get anything done if I did. I canโt emphasize enough how much you inspired me โญ๏ธ
I need to say Imposter Syndrome would trouble me in the passing of the weeks. I would question if my intentions with these efforts were good, or if I was even allowed to mourn you since I didnโt know you personally. Iโd feel embarrassed to vent to my friends, afraid theyโd hate me and think I was doing it for attention, and Iโd feel embarrassed at the thought youโd hate me for mopping over your loss and that maybe I was trying to excuse the dark thoughts in my mind. Lucky for me Iโm surrounded by friends who are very understanding โค๏ธโ๐ฉน I feel very lucky to have them, andโฆ.. Well, I donโt know what memory of me you took with you,โฆ if you took anyโฆ, but I somehow feel confident you remember me, and that the impression you took of me was a good one ๐ฅบโค๏ธโ๐ฉน so I want to say Thank You ๐ซ Iโve been struggling with health issues I attribute to aging, and been ignoring them due to my depression. A few weeks ago, I woke up to the sound of my heart palpitations. I was concerned because it sounded agitated; I thought maybe it was anxiety from a nightmare, so I did some breathing exercises to calm them down, but it would return to beating hard after they calmed. I remembered you died of Cardiac Arrest andโฆ.. I just couldnโt help but thinkโฆ that maybeโฆ you have been trying to warn me about something all this time ๐ข๐ซ
Today marks a month from your passing. Itโs been raining for the past couple of days. This last week is the one Iโve cried over you the most ๐ข but Iโm so glad I waited before posting my goodbyes. On my second draft, I wrote โYou havenโt given me the chance to properly miss youโ. I feel so proud of myself; I feel like youโve been with me for the entire process of this month, so I want to end my letter with gratitude โ๏ธ
Thank you for going out of your way to spend some extra time with me ๐ฅน๐ Thank you for sharing your headcanons with me; thank you for telling me about Zeus and Cupid; thank you for sharing your art, and your music, and for being kind enough to partake in small talk with me ๐ฅน Thank you for sharing your Five Below findings with me! It meant the world to me to see you thought about me ๐ Please send my hugs to your friends and family for me, Iโm just a stranger to them, but I feel so much for them ๐ซ I can tell your family loved you very much, I canโt even begin to fathom how much Cupid and Zeus must miss you ๐๐
You were funny, and sweet, and you genuinely wanted your favorite fictional characters to be happy. Thank you for being kind to me, and thank you for allowing me in your life โค๏ธโ๐ฉน Iโll continue thinking of you when I listen to 80โs Pop, when I see frills and ribbons, when I see characters with spirals in their eyes, when I see a parakeet, when I see crafting supplies, and when I see a weird little guy.
Your memory will be alive in me; thank you for allowing me to be your friend ๐ฅบโค๏ธโ๐ฉน
Rest In Peace, Shay. I miss you so much ๐
