#deedark

Dear Shay,

I write this letter to the universe, in hopes my words find you, and hug you…. There is so much I want to tell you.

I wrote you a letter when I found out about your passing. I was horrified, and confused. I couldn’t begin to fathom the pain of your loss. I thought of your birds, of your roommate, your friends, and your family, and how hard it must be for them to lose you 😢💔 I was concerned I wasn’t processing it well due to my Autism; we had talked a week prior to your passing, and finding out three days later filled me with dread.

I was afraid you had died a painful death, I didn’t want to know if it was related to our conversation. You told me you were almost done moving into your new apartment; you were so tired, but you sounded so proud 💝 You wanted to celebrate by going to the beach 🏖 I was so happy for you! ❤️‍🩹 You were so ready to start a new chapter of your life, it’s all so unfair!!!!! 😞💔 I was worried about you, wondering what was going through your head when it happened 😰😢💔💔 I cried over you that night, and the morning after.

A few days later a friend told me it was due to Cardiac Arrest. You had moved out on your own, and couldn’t get help when it happened 😞😞💔💔 I was torn by the news, but somehow it comforted me to know it wasn’t a car crash. My feelings were confusing at the time, I was concerned I wasn’t mourning you properly. I couldn’t cry properly for several weeks, I’d just weep a bit in silence and continue with my duties.

I was struggling to process what I was feeling, but it was that week I felt your presence the most. I went out with my peers, lagging behind for privacy, trying to keep myself together while keeping conversation, when there on the parking lot I found a $5 dollar bill. I know it sounds corny, but I just know, I just Know it was you! Like you were trying to tell me “Hey, don’t cry! Look! There’s a dollar!” 😢 It was like you knew I wanted to spend more time with you 🥹❤️‍🩹 I felt so grateful, and validated, so I wrote a second draft of my goodbye letter. I knew I had to finish these drawings.

On the first draft I had promised your memory would live in me. I took the making of these drawings as a way to spend more time with your memory. I’ve been listening to the music you sent me, and watching shows that remind me of you. Someone drew a Fawful in WPlace over my hometown, it put a smile on my face! I took a screenshot, I wanted you to see it.

I rewatched Enter The Florpus to test some TV settings because I remembered you got into Invader Zim through that movie; I thought of you the entire time. Remember when I told you Okarun from DanDaDan reminded me of you? It’s been hard not to think of you when they drop the new episodes every Thursday ❤️‍🩹 That character is as sweet and passionate as you, I always meant the comparison with love.

They released a documentary on the band DEVO last week. I remember you had told me you wanted to check them out, so I subscribed to notifications so I wouldn’t miss the release, and I don’t know if you would have been interested in watching it, but I watched it for you! And let me just tell you that it blew me away. I was astonished, I wasn’t expecting their message to be so intense! Who knew the funny hats and monkey imagery were trying to denounce Imperialist mindset of the American culture and warn us about the inherent violence of conformity! 😧 I have newfound respect for them now. I was checking out their music while working on these drawings.

I felt your presence, but it wasn’t easy. I was terrified of checking social media, afraid the algorithm would show me posts you liked. It was hard to shake it off my mind. It would specially catch me off guard when checking Instagram 😢 Friends would send me memes, and sometimes your icon would pop up. It was painful 😞💔 Instagram sent me this notification two days after finding out about your passing, it felt like it was playing with my feelings 😢💔

I miss seeing your activity pop on Discord. I miss your Instagram stories, and your personal posts talking about your new life 😞 I know we weren’t the closest friends, but you inspired me so much 🥺

On your 20th birthday, you asked people not to make comments about how things would get tougher from there. You wanted to live life with practical optimism, like you didn’t want to worry about things until they happened. I admired you so much for that, I wish I had told you. I guess I was afraid I’d come off as desperate.

I guess us Millennials are to blame for Gen Z’s anxiety. We were very vocal about our disappointment and impending sense of doom. As someone who had spent her early 20’s struggling with recurring S**cidal Thoughts due to depression, the passing of the years felt like an hourglass, reminding me that every year passed was a year wasted. I struggled with them so often, I developed Executive Dysfunction, which affected my art abilities. It took me many years of learning to love myself, but I was able to beat my depression. I know you had ADHD, and the reason you did so much animation was because a drawing wouldn’t feel complete enough for you unless it was elaborate. I always thought of us as the Immovable Object and the Unstoppable Force. I was so embarrassed so I never told you, but I genuinely looked up to you 🥹⭐️ It made me so proud to see you had chosen to prioritize your mental health at such an early age, you inspire me so much. You always encouraged me to try harder, and I’d be afraid I was disappointing you; I still feel it was for the better not to tell you what was going on, I knew it would kill the mood and I wouldn’t get anything done if I did. I can’t emphasize enough how much you inspired me ⭐️

I need to say Imposter Syndrome would trouble me in the passing of the weeks. I would question if my intentions with these efforts were good, or if I was even allowed to mourn you since I didn’t know you personally. I’d feel embarrassed to vent to my friends, afraid they’d hate me and think I was doing it for attention, and I’d feel embarrassed at the thought you’d hate me for mopping over your loss and that maybe I was trying to excuse the dark thoughts in my mind. Lucky for me I’m surrounded by friends who are very understanding ❤️‍🩹 I feel very lucky to have them, and….. Well, I don’t know what memory of me you took with you,… if you took any…, but I somehow feel confident you remember me, and that the impression you took of me was a good one 🥺❤️‍🩹 so I want to say Thank You 🫂 I’ve been struggling with health issues I attribute to aging, and been ignoring them due to my depression. A few weeks ago, I woke up to the sound of my heart palpitations. I was concerned because it sounded agitated; I thought maybe it was anxiety from a nightmare, so I did some breathing exercises to calm them down, but it would return to beating hard after they calmed. I remembered you died of Cardiac Arrest and….. I just couldn’t help but think… that maybe… you have been trying to warn me about something all this time 😢🫂

Today marks a month from your passing. It’s been raining for the past couple of days. This last week is the one I’ve cried over you the most 😢 but I’m so glad I waited before posting my goodbyes. On my second draft, I wrote “You haven’t given me the chance to properly miss you”. I feel so proud of myself; I feel like you’ve been with me for the entire process of this month, so I want to end my letter with gratitude ☀️

Thank you for going out of your way to spend some extra time with me 🥹💝 Thank you for sharing your headcanons with me; thank you for telling me about Zeus and Cupid; thank you for sharing your art, and your music, and for being kind enough to partake in small talk with me 🥹 Thank you for sharing your Five Below findings with me! It meant the world to me to see you thought about me 💝 Please send my hugs to your friends and family for me, I’m just a stranger to them, but I feel so much for them 🫂 I can tell your family loved you very much, I can’t even begin to fathom how much Cupid and Zeus must miss you 😞💔

You were funny, and sweet, and you genuinely wanted your favorite fictional characters to be happy. Thank you for being kind to me, and thank you for allowing me in your life ❤️‍🩹 I’ll continue thinking of you when I listen to 80’s Pop, when I see frills and ribbons, when I see characters with spirals in their eyes, when I see a parakeet, when I see crafting supplies, and when I see a weird little guy.

Your memory will be alive in me; thank you for allowing me to be your friend 🥺❤️‍🩹

Rest In Peace, Shay. I miss you so much 🕊