#fatpanda

Original 4 posts below.

I’m taking art lessons since september and this time the teacher asked us to draw a red panda plushie. He thought it was a racoon because he never heard of red pandas before-

ちょっとクセのあるアトマイザーである。仕組みとか特に。

随分古いんですね、コレ。YouTubeだと2015年初頭にユーザーレビュー動画がちょっとあるくらいで人気もなさそうですが(笑)。

It’s me again. It’s 10th of May, late night/ early morning, and the smell of summer nights that floats in the air makes me miss you even more. There’s that saying ‘missing you comes in waves, tonight I am drowning’, well, I kinda learnt how to breathe underwater. I have no idea why I’m feeling like this. I’ve been writing about you pretty much every day lately: on my phone, on paper, and now here. I honestly hate that those feelings are so deep and profound that I actually need to just let it out. I’ve been thinking about texting you every other minute every day for almost a week now. But what good would it do? You’re gone, like, looong gone. And I get it. It’s life and it’s how things go. And let’s be honest, you’ve been gone for years now, only coming back to me every now and then to visit and recharge your ego. I know you said that finding out about my ‘relationship’ helped you move on, I totally get it and I don’t regret telling you. Or at least I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t. But why would I? You haven’t been mine in ages now, and my fear of losing you is just some dumb shit.

It’s so strange how I go from not giving a fuck to feeling like I love you so deeply. I wish I had the freedom to just love you. I feel like I never had it. There were always obstacles: not living in the same town, your studies, my studies, other women…

I know we were young, and I think we still are, even though you’d disagree. But damn do I miss being a fool… I think that’s what I miss the most: believing everything you’d say. All those big words every girl would love to hear from someone. I miss that. And the tears running down my cheeks stand for a proof I guess.

I hate you for stealing my ability to connect with other people, boys or girls, like I did with you. And I hate you even more for ruining so many good memories we have together. But I get it, and I’m sure one day I’ll simply accept that I was just a flower in your path, like the other Camelias…

I often try to convince myself that I didn’t actually love you, that I was just a kid infatuated by the idea of love. But I think I did love you. I mean, I put up with a lot of shit and I would’ve always thought about you and how you’d feel and I would usually forget about myself and my own happiness. But you were my happiness…

Regardless of whether all the things you ever told me were true of not, I loved you in the purest way I even knew. And at the end of the day, what we had is the only ‘love’ I’ve ever known.

I was fine a while ago, Idk what happened. It was always hard to put up with the fact that one day you’ll fall for someone else. And I find it funny and also stupid how after literally going through hell and back so many times I still cry like a baby when I have to go again.

I know you’ll love again, and I’m sure you’ll be loved again. You may already be there. But, deep down, I know no one will love you as hard as I did. And that’s because instead of giving some love to myself, I would’ve given it all to you. And still, I never felt like I was enough. But that’s a different story, a different personal issue.