11/15/22-11/16/22, archived from Twitter
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Diluc having insomnia
It may appear he keeps himself up at night intentionally doing vigilante work, but really, he cannot stand laying in bed staring up at the ceiling anymore.
He doesn't remember being like that as a kid. Perhaps it's from needing to constantly be vigilant during his journey, sleeping light and little... He was so exhausted, but he had to keep moving. Stay on his toes and never let his guard down.
Now, it's unneeded. The truth of this fact is irrelevant, though, because his body does not care for facts - it cares for patterns and fight or flight, and he cannot remember a time he hasn't been in fight or flight.
Diluc stares emptily at the kitchen table, bringing a mug of warm drink up to his mouth. He takes a swig. He feels rather numb and tired.
It was a long day. He wishes for an equally long sleep.
He hears soft footsteps pat down the staircase. Diluc lifts his head.
"Luc?" Kaeya murmurs softly. His shadow dances in the candle light. "What are you doing up?"
"What are /you/ doing up?" Diluc asks in kind.
There's a moment's pause.
"Couldn't sleep," Kaeya replies.
"Likewise." Diluc takes another swig. "What's wrong? Too cold?"
Kaeya shakes his head and finishes his descent. He pulls up the chair next to Diluc and sits.
It's odd being up together at this time... So close, too, like it's old times. Kaeya keeps close like the chilly little boy he used to be, always curling up against Diluc's eternal warmth.
Kaeya looks like he can barely keep his eyes open, yet too wired at the same time.
Diluc doesn't know when Kaeya fell asleep - they're in separate rooms, after all - but it seems like the sands of the sandman did not grace him well tonight.
"Just couldn't sleep," Kaeya says lamely.
Diluc nods. "I made cider. Do you want some?"
Kaeya perks up. "Is it warm?"
"Of course."
Diluc tilts his now empty mug towards Kaeya and lets him feel the excess warmth in the ceramic.
"I'll get us some."
Diluc stands and slips into the kitchen.
When he returns, it's with two mugs of warm apple cider to fill their tummies. It definitely won't help Diluc any more, but Kaeya's a little easier to settle.
Kaeya picks his head up off his arms and cracks a smile.
"Thank you." Kaeya accepts the mug.
Diluc settles back down with a wordless nod.
Silence lies between them. Despite it, it's comfortable. The fire crackles in chippery pops and hissing of excess moisture.
"Why are you up?" Kaeya repeats himself, finally.
"I already answered you." Diluc's burning eyes fix on Kaeya.
Kaeya snorts. "It's not a good answer, then." He stares, expression unreadable. Diluc's not sure if he likes the attention. "Are you usually up?"
"What do you mean?" Diluc asks warily.
"I rarely see you without eyebags," Kaeya replies bluntly. "And I find you in the same clothes as the night before, or dozing in places you shouldn't be."
Hah. Diluc should have pinned Kaeya as more observant.
"Guilty," he reluctantly admits.
Diluc takes as many naps as he can - that his body allows. It also means naps he doesn't necessarily authorize. Sometimes this means accidentally dozing off at a tavern table or his office.
Really, it makes no sense sleeping in a public area when public areas make him jumpy.
Kaeya lets out a soft huff of a chuckle. "Insomniac, then?"
"Admittedly."
Kaeya hums quietly. He drinks from his mug, seemingly content with Diluc's answer.
It's not a secret, definitely. But something about Kaeya knowing something as 'private' as that makes it seem so.
Makes Diluc feel... an odd type of vulnerable. Perhaps it's the fatigue talking.
The fatigue talks further.
"I do try to sleep at normal times," Diluc says, eyes straight into his cider. "Honest. But something keeps me up. Saying it's not safe to, or it's not possible."
Kaeya stares at him wordlessly.
"Exercise, warmth, relaxation, any trick in the book, doesn't work either. So I get what I can."
"Saying that it's not safe to?" Kaeya softly prompts.
It's silly, isn't it? Diluc's not a child anymore, nor is he on a battlefield, or fighting for his life, or running in Snezhnaya.
Diluc watches the amber in his mug swirl. It's dark and rich, relaxing as relaxing can be.
"I don't know what'll convince my brain otherwise," Diluc laughs, rather humorlessly and dry. His eyes burn. "Sometimes it eases... Not often, though."
Diluc knows the cider isn't spiked - he made it himself - but he finds his tongue looser than he usually likes it.
He looks up at Kaeya, somber. A little pitiful too.
"I'm so tired, Kae."
Too tired to work, but too awake to rest. It feels like fight or flight is all he'll ever be in, even after being home.
Does vigilantism keep him in that state? Is he tearing himself down with his own hands for the sake of a city - and dare he say, his own destruction?
Diluc's temples pound.
Kaeya's gaze softens. Diluc cannot stand to watch, and instead drops his head to ease the ache.
"I can't say I know what it's like," Kaeya says, quiet and gentle. Diluc's thankful for the low volume. "Being... on edge in such a way constantly."
Diluc's heart skips a beat as Kaeya's hand reaches out and covers his own.
"Or consistently unable to rest."
Kaeya's skin is soft. It's home. Diluc's home with him.
"But I'm here with you, whether I understand or not. If you can't make yourself feel safe..." Kaeya nibbles his bottom lip. "Then it's my job to protect you for a while."
Diluc doesn't know what to say. His emotions are so shot that he's utterly numb. His thoughts feel like sludge.
Nonetheless... Kaeya's last sentence struck him. If Diluc had any energy, he would have wept.
Tonight, he stares with prickling eyes and a warm tummy.
Kaeya gestures to Diluc's mug. They resume drinking in peace in each other's silent company.
The fire crackles on. The candles dance in time.
Once their mugs are empty and the cider is gone, Kaeya stands. Diluc remains seated, staring at the table aimlessly.
"Luc?"
Diluc lifts his head. He locks eyes with Kaeya.
Kaeya smiles warmly. It reaches his eyes, just as he reaches out a hand. "I'm cold."
Diluc follows Kaeya to bed, hand in hand.
Kaeya strips him reverently. Each layer of clothing comes off in slow, methodical movements, his hands tender and kisses just as much.
Kaeya slips off Diluc's bartending vest. He folds it, puts it on a nearby chair. His hands splay across Diluc's torso, feeling his heat through the thin shirt. Once pulled off, that, too, is folded and set aside.
Diluc doesn't know what to do with his hands.
He feels awkward standing there, but his brain lags too much to find something intelligent to do.
Kaeya seems to read him easily and guides his hands to his waist. Then, ever so softly, he places kisses so tender it hurts on Diluc's bare skin.
They're chaste, but loving, grounding, bringing Diluc to this moment. His brain can float in fatigue another night; Kaeya nuzzles into his neck and tucks away stray stands of hair, and this deserves all of Diluc's attention.
"Take off your pants and I'll find you some pajamas," Kaeya tells him, pulling away.
Diluc obeys. He's pliant in Kaeya's hands, malleable, and oh so loved.
Kaeya returns from the dresser with long, soft loungy pants.
It's the only article of clothing Diluc wears to bed, usually, due to his vision making him prone to overheating.
Diluc changes into them as Kaeya wishes. When he does, Kaeya takes his hand in a soft grasp and brings him to bed.
It's been slept in. It's Kaeya's bedroom, and the blankets are messed, but Kaeya fluidly tucks them both in when Diluc lays down with him with his back to the wall.
It's comfortable. The mattress sinks beneath Diluc's weight and everything smells like Kaeya, Kaeya, /Kaeya./
He's so tired it's maddening.
Kaeya extinguishes the lone candle that gives them light on the nightstand. Then, he turns, and envelops Diluc in his arms.
Diluc's stiffens at first. Kaeya's hand cups the back of his head, though, and guides his face to his chest.
Kaeya tucks him under his chin.
"I'm cold," he whispers. "So stay with me and keep me warm. I can protect you."
Kaeya's fingers rake through Diluc's hair soothingly.
There comes a point where Diluc unfurls with the deepest sigh, unraveling before his love.
Diluc's head rests on Kaeya's chest. He feels his slow, steady breath and the rhythmic beating of his heart.
Slow. Steady. Not hurried, worried, or panicked... Kaeya is not afraid. He is not on guard.
Something in Diluc's exhausted monkey brain says if Kaeya's not in a state of alarm, then maybe it's okay. That he can relax too, and ease.
"I've got you," Kaeya hums.
It's the most calm Diluc has been in months... That's sad, but so needed right now. /Calm./
Their legs tangle, and Diluc lays on Kaeya, who holds him snug and protected. Who strokes his hair, kisses the top of his head, and covers all open areas that raise alarm.
Diluc's back against the wall, a locked door, snug blankets, and Kaeya's arms acting like a shield.
Safety.
It's safety.
"Thank you," Diluc manages to whisper.
Bit by bit, the tension in his body dissipates. He becomes loose and warm, adored and loved.
Diluc's safe. He relaxes.
And, with a last sigh and "love you," he sleeps.
