One day a while ago, my husband asked me, âWhy do you have three-thousand pictures of yourself on your hard drive?â This was not an easy question to answer. A little background: From the time I was about nine, I was told almost daily by my peers that I was unforgivably ugly. During childhood, for a long time, I appreciated the way I looked. I liked my face, my shoulders, even my wispy baby-hair. I knew that no one else could see what I saw, I knew that I was not âprettyâ in the tightly-defined way girls are supposed to be, but I liked myself. I looked in the mirror with some amount of pleasure, a recognition that what I saw there was human, that it was me, and that I liked being me. This liking was slowly eroded by two things: 1) being told, over and over again, that I was ugly, would always be ugly, and 2) being told that if I betrayed any sign of liking myself, I was vain. I wanted to be pretty, and I was supposed to be pretty, and if I wasnât naturally pretty I was supposed to work at it, but I wasnât supposed to let anyone know I was working at it. It was a confusing way to grow up. By the time I was 12, I started to suspect that the whole idea of âprettyâ was bullshit â that year, I kicked a dentist who yanked my tooth without any warning/consent/anaesthesia, and who then tried to sell me braces with, âDonât you want to be pretty?â I left the room with crooked teeth and blood on my chin. There were several confusing years after that, culminating in a moment, at 16, when people suddenly decided to find me pretty, and to loudly and aggressively tell me to my face that I was pretty, and to treat me as though I were now a more valuable and sought-after person because of it. I messed around with peopleâs perceptions whenever I could, dressing down at first, then suddenly showing up in my Pretty Lady Costume, and watching the same people whoâd ignored me the day before become deferential. I decided the entire thing, top to bottom, front to back, was a steaming pyramid of bullshit. My value as a human being could not possibly fluctuate as readily as people wanted me to believe, based on whether or not I wore certain clothes or put on makeup or didnât bother with my hair that day or gained or lost weight. I was a person, not a fucking junk bond. A few years later, I got fat, which meant that I was persona non grata again. Bullshit: confirmed. I didnât look in the mirror for a long time, still believing in the misogynist fever-dream of âvanit