#fat rant

Three generations of women told me about all the shit I’ll be able to do once I’ve “lost the weight”. I can start life anew, meet the man of my dreams, travel the world, and wear all the beautiful clothes, if I just lost the weight.

It took me almost 40 years to understand that “the weight” they’re really referring to is the internalized self hatred for their own bodies that they’ve externalized onto you.

Don’t become a victim. Set boundaries now.

It’s okay to tell your mother, your grandmother, your aunt, your great aunt, and all the men too, that unless their opinion is asked for, to keep your body’s business out of their mouths.

Even if “they mean well”. Even if “it comes from a place of love.” Even if “they just want you to be healthy.”

YOU have a say. YOU determine what’s right for you. YOU have autonomy.

None of the women in my family ever “lost the weight” until they were terminally ill. And they all died miserable.

What they say: I LOVE curvy girls! They are beautiful and plump and I wanna squish them with love! <3

BUT WAIT THERES MORE

had a girlfriend between then and now (didnt even last a month)

AND APPARENTLY THOUGHT “I should try <insert my name here”

WHEN HIS FRIEND SAID HELL NO CUZ I DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM

And he STILL continues to ask to hangout n shit

In the friendzone text I SPECIFICALLY STATED

Well paraphrased- “no one on one”

I was only comfortable in groups

He is actively blocked on all social media

Steam and discord included

If he texts me about it either im cooked or he is

But the fact that HIS FRIEND told him to back off cuz I dont have feelings for him AND HE STILL CONTINUES TO TRY TO WHAT I ASSUME IS GET ME TO RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS

HE GAVE ME AND ONLY ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT AT **HIS** CHRISTMAS PARTY

And it makes me sad, knowing that no matter how much money you make, your status, your talent, the best stores you can shop at if your plus size are torrid and layne Bryant. You will always have only two main options when shopping for clothes.

I remember once a skinny women came in and was like “wow these clothes are so cute! I wish they came in my size!” And it’s like yeah lady, that’s how we feel everywhere we go.

I remember a teenager bursting into tears because she, after looking through the whole mall, finally found something that fit and was cute for her dance.

I remember a women looking for a wedding dress because her dress didn’t fit and the wedding was a week away. Luckily we had a bunch of high end white dresses for her to choose from. She looked amazing in the tea length off the shoulder dress I picked for her.

ANYWAY I went through a phase for a while where I was kinda into skirts? Like I rarely wore them in public but I was like yeah cool this is okay. They’re comfy and flowy and pretty and I went a little bit wild at the thrift stores with skirts. 

Now I’m eh again, haven’t worn any of them for like 2 years, even at home, some of them don’t and never HAVE fit me comfortably. Cause you know. The cardinal sin of “well when I lose weight I can fit into it” HAH. Good one past me, good one you fuckin idiot.

So I’m going through my closet and like “I should get rid of these” but... I like them still. I know I’ll never wear them, I’m firmly back in jeans and mens t-shirts land and even if I did have the stones to wear a skirt in public I don’t know how to match tops with skirts with my fat ass and. I’m never going to wear them? Get rid of them??

But my gremlin brain keeps going “but i like them this one’s pretty this one has nice fabric this one has a cool pattern” But we’re not going out in public in them and we don’t even wear them at home what the fuck you want them for??

“I like them”

Like god damnit you fat bitch. Lose weight or get rid of the skirts. And that’s not to imply I think fat people can’t wear cute stuff? I love and have hella respect for my fellow not-stick-thins of any weight rocking that shit. But I’m. So fucking self conscious and hate everything about myself I just can’t... do it. I can’t. I’d love to change the thought I always have of “I wish I could wear cute stuff” cause I COULD physically wear whatever the fuck I want. I just. Can’t. 

It’s so fucking exhausting fighting with myself over this shit all my life. Ever since I was a little fatty in grade school already trying to diet cause you get called fat by your classmates and you see everywhere how it’s bad to be fat and your mom gives you advice like suck it in it’s just. It fucks you up for life especially when you’re just someone who no matter how hard you try you diet you exercise you ‘eat healthy’ as best you can with depression and zero fucking energy you just can’t lose the weight and/or keep it off. I remember when the atkins diet was first hot and I was like. Very young. Maybe ten? And I was like mom I wanna diet? And she was like okaY. And you fucking starve yourself for the first week of the plan and I DID THAT AS A CHILD.

Sometimes I get into short little bursts where I’ll tentatively wear stuff that’s a little more on the feminine side and I always give up and go “fuck it” and donate all that shit right back to the thrift store I got it from. 

And it’s dumb cause lately I’ve been caring less about “I want to wear some girl stuff” cause I’ve never been girly in any sort of capacity. I’m fucking 30 and my ears aren’t pierced, I’ve never worn make up, I don’t do my nails or my hair, I’ve been wearing boxer briefs lately and it feels FUCKING GOOD AND LIBERATING AND TMI BUT I LOVE THEM I’M NEVER GOING BACK TO GIRLS BRIEFS.

SO WITH ALL THAT WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET RID OF SOME FUCKING SKIRTS.