#fascape

Aeryn's grief fits her character so well, that mix of vulnerability combined with anger, depression, and detachment. Her reaching out to shady strangers, knowing fully well that this is not real, this can not be, that this is a scam, yet somewhat maybe hoping for one more reminder, for something that will bring vivid memories of him. Him being with her all the time, speaking to her her own thoughts, the sweetest memories, him being the only person who she allowed to get close to her, and now without him, the world is dark and hostile, and everyone is grotesque and twisted. The way she retrieves and avoids everyone, every attempt someone to touch her is met with almost disgust. All of a sudden everyone is an enemy. Crais never had her trust, Rigel is not exactly someone whom she takes seriously, even if he attempts to show her that he cares, even Stark. I was almost pissed off with her when I understand that she knows from the beginning that this is a scam. Why would she allow them to torture her like that? But then it's another way to stay a bit longer with the idea, the image of him maybe...

I am not sure why I felt that I was missing something in Xhalax's behaviour. I assume that the price for her choice to have a child changed her and made her angry toward the person who least deserves it, some form of punishment toward both herself and the last person she ever loved changed her. But then again she says it - I died a long time ago...

I love the reminder at the end - yet again, about the powerful forces that stand behind her existence. Her mother's fucked up behaviour, her idea of love... and the admission that it was out of love, and yet again, a sacrifice that marked Aeryn's existence. John would risk everything without a second thought for her and he did. Somehow it felt like Zhaan's was the most profound and meaningful sacrifice. Zhaan became a mother to everyone on Moya and she saw the best albeit somewhat obscure sides of everyone. From deep mistrust and hate for all Peacekeepers to the idea that one of them(and at the same time all of them) is so valuable as a person, that it is worth giving her own life for hers. And if someone has doubted her decision the first time, she does it again to confirm it. Aeryn feels guilty, and she resists her, she later says it was a bad deal - her life for Zhaan's. A Peacekeeper soldier, like so many others, for a powerful spiritual being. But Zhaan knows by now - she is calling her selfless. The most spiritual person on Moya, who stands against violence and