#farq

teri aur meri taaleem me

.

Tu ne ustaadon se seekha hai,

Aur maine haalaaton se

-

Sunday, September 20, 2020

Se siente muy raro volver a casa.

Ya no se siente como mi hogar, ya no me siento como el Rey de este lugar, ya no pertenezco.

Tengo que salir de aquí, huir corriendo, encontrar mi propio hogar y adornarlo con todos mis vientos, arreglarlo con miles de objetos, amarlo como una extensión de mí.

He's asking me about my school applications. The thing that's hard for me, that I don't want to talk about. That requires bravery from me. The things no one else really checks in on, the things I need someone to push me for but really need to learn to step forward towards myself. But he's checking in. In a way, holding me accountable to my dreams. To my effort. To life, to effort, to commitment. To myself. Self belief. He seems to reinforce my self worth, everywhere I go.

He helped me, saved me with my car when I was locked out and stranded. Put his own insurance out there to help me. Changed his plans for me. We didn't end up having to use the insurance but what a sweetheart. He came to save the day.

Then after he came downstairs to pick me up and then picked up the new person and started driving, he popped off with me. The vibe was crazy and strong and beautiful and so so flowy. Our chemistry was incredible. I didn't expect that. We kept laughing and joking the whole way across the bridge and even the new girl was cracking up in the back just hearing us talk to each other. She thought we were together because when we got out and I asked for some photos of me, she pushed him into it and had us pose together. Later on she found out we weren't a couple and that's when I knew he and I came off as flirty, affectionate, intimate, loving, and accepting of each other. Just naturally. We were literally talking about my ovarian cycle and he was saying to please warn him and I apologized and said I did get frisky last time and he'd been correct. We were joking around about different things.

We got those cute photos together with him wearing my college cap which made sense because he goes there now too! I matched with my jacket. It was awesome.

Then we went inside and he hung out awkwardly while I played and joked around with others. I noticed him coming by and complimenting me and trying to engage with me more, saying things like, so are you going to hit us with those dance moves at the place we're heading to? I know you got them. And stuff like that. I felt like maybe he admired me physically and socially.

Then we walked out and we were trying to decide on the car rides, and I stuck with him. The new girl, birthday girl and boyfriend, and him and I all went in a car together. I just felt so at peace as long as I was with him. So content and calm and warm. It was really more about being next to him the whole night, not the activities. So tbh I didn't quite care about the club or the arcade or dessert. Just liked sitting next to him. I put his things in my lap as he drove and he looked at me with gratefulness and said he didn't want to ask but he did need someone to hold it. We drove and I asked to stop at a food place and the birthday girl tried to insist on the three hour club visit without food and I'd eaten nothing that day. Because he was there, I felt comfortable saying I'd just pick something up to go on the way from nearby bc I really needed something. He immediately headed there without any comment. I called and ordered, and the new girl jumped in and ordered with me. I could tell the birthday girl really wanted her own way but I didnt give in this time. We stopped at a Walgreens for her stuff and I let them go inside without me and stayed with him. Later I had to go in anyways to get something, and he was pleased with my choice bc I guess he eats similar things. We got to the food place short on time and so the new girl and I jumped out to get it while he waited. When we came back out, they were across the street standing on the sidewalk while he looked awkward in the car waiting for them. We joined them and there was a guitarist serenading her while she danced and reveled in the attention. She wanted us to watch her but I was hungry, so I just sat at a nearby chair and ate. He came out of the car and joined me. The new girl walked over and joined me. The birthday girl and her boyfriend just stayed by the guitarist and kept lavishing themselves with attention. The three of us had pleasant conversation. When it was done, the guitarist told her how much he wanted to be paid. She refused to pay that much. Then she insisted she didn't have the money. Then she said she doesn't carry cash. Then she pulled out three dollar bills. The guitarist was upset. She looked at her boyfriend and he didnt budge. It was awkward for all of us watching this argument. Finally she just said to the live musician, too bad this is all I have, I'm leaving. You're charging too much anyway. And turned to go in the car. The others turned to go and I calmly got out of my seat and told the man I'd pay. They tried to stop me and she said she'd pay me back, I refused and said it was a gift. And I paid him on venmo while they loaded up into the car.

When I got inside the car, it was awkward and silent but I felt calm. Then the birthday girl started saying how we shouldn't have paid him anyway because he overcharged. And that it was all his fault for not telling us the price ahead of time. It was only 10 bucks tbh. That he went on too long and that it wasnt even good. I just diplomatically responded every time, because I understood her ego was bruised. I just said it was so we could have a smooth night, regardless of who was right or wrong. We drove to the club. There was traffic and no spots, so I told the others to go in and we'd join them after finding parking. They got out and then realized I was staying. I told them I'd help find parking and walk in with him. They accepted it and left, and then he thanked me for choosing to stay and keep him company. During the ride there he'd teased me about his hair and how his would get longer than mine soon and I'd better watch out or he'd catch up. We started joking back and forth and it just felt so positive and wholesome.

As we looked for parking, I started playing him some songs I wanted to introduce him to. An indie, soft genre. They were mostly love songs, heartache or yearning. It set a different vibe in the intimacy of the car with him. We parked and then we just sat there, listening to each other's songs, showing each other what we liked, spending time together. We started talking about poetry, and he said something about me felt like a poet and he knew I must have written growing up. I confirmed it and I felt warm shivers of his attention all over me. He kept playing me songs he thought I'd like or that were meaningful to him. We spoke in urdu to each other.

We listened to rap, and I talked about how eminem meant so much to me growing up, and why. How his songs were this beautiful introduction to love and beauty within pain, an expression we all needed, and a rage I had to release. That's when he said I must be a poet in some way. Then he asked me if I could rap, and when I said no, he said he liked to try. I asked him to demonstrate and he actually started rapping really well. Then we put on a fun rap beat and coming up with raps together. It was so fun and cute and beautiful and creative. The whole rest of the night, we conversed through rapping together. It was actually so interesting and explorative and fun. Eventually we started getting texts and phone calls from the others because it had been an hour, or maybe an hour and a half. We got out of the car and meandered through the streets to them. We found them waiting outside the club taking a break to talk, and they jumped on us asking us why we pretty much skipped everything and took so long. They were done with the dancing. I felt content. I talked to one of the girls in urdu, and then one by one, people started dropping. I confessed to him that I wanted to go home as well instead of staying out further past midnight. The others tried to convince us to stay, and I had to put on a polite face and search up places, but then he and I left and I gave the urdu girl a ride. It wasn't as fun with her there because she was a bit critical every time she spoke to someone, but after we dropped her off, he and I drove to the bridge to go back home and get to my car. I apologized for wanting to go early but instead he thanked me for leaving early and said he'd wanted to check out early too but didn't want to say. When we got to the bridge, we saw the beautiful view, and he asked me if I'd ever visited a secret part of the mountains. I said no, and he asked me if I wanted to see a cool view and hang out at the top for a bit. It was exactly what i wanted and i was so touched at the idea. I realized then that he was fine staying up late, as long as it was with me. We got there and the view was something I'd never seen before, so beautiful. I'd lived here my whole life and never saw the mountains around me like this. I turned to him and said, I've lived here my whole life, and you aren't from here, yet you are the first person in this whole state to introduce me to a location in my own home that I didn't know, a place that is awe inspiring and breath taking and blowing me away. This is insane.

He took photos of me against the lights and told me I looked so good, and that it was coming out perfect. He let me look through them and approve them, and he had some really incredible ones that impressed even me, and he said, I told you. I told you you looked great, I told you I would capture it. I told you it looked beautiful.

And he wasn't wrong.

The cops came after a bit and had everyone go. We drove back to his city and to the parking garage where I left my car. When he parked, he turned off the car and just sat there, then settled into his seat and turned to me. I realized he wanted to talk. He asked me about how my guy situation from last week ended up going, the one who made a move on me. I talked to him in detail about it. For an hour or two we sat in that car, talking about friendships, relationships, not just me but him equally. Then I asked to take a break because I had to use the restroom so we got up and went inside. After using the lobby, he looked at the time and said he'd make me chai if I wanted for the long drive home. I said yes after he confirmed he had all the right ingredients. I knew he hadn't wanted me to see his apartment that day because he'd said it was insanely messy that day. Yet he led me up at the end anyways, just for me.

We went upstairs and he apologized for the mess, then we joked around. He made Chai for me and he watched me put in the spices to my preferences. He said, something about you that I've noticed is that you're a very sensory oriented person. I asked him to explain, he said you are really particular about smells, like laundry, my candle, the cologne I got you, the air freshener, and now the aromatics of this chai... I had never thought about myself like that, in the third person, and was shocked. I tried to argue with him about it but he had the evidence and I felt my face get hot under his scrutiny. Eventually I admitted maybe he was right and he said, see I notice things about you that even you haven't connected about yourself. I got shy.

We sat on his couch and I just looked at him, and then I started drawing him, just like last time. I complimented the pen and the scratch of it over the napkin, and he said, there we go. Another sensory appreciation moment. And I smiled and he said, I told you, I know you.

then we started talking more. I asked him about the girl who'd badmouthed him to me, the reason why we hadn't been friends for a year until recently when I understood I'd been misled and apologized. He answered my questions about what happened, and he said it wasn't just me who made him suffer over the rumor, there were others. I apologized for putting him through that out of misguided solidarity and personal immaturity and ignorance. He said, you know something, out of everyone who did turn around and become my friend, you are the only one who's apologized to me, openly and directly, to my face. I felt some respect from him.

I told him about a situation I went through that was similar, and he told me he would challenge the guy and put him in his place if I'd allow him. I absented. We started talking about the cultural environment that raises guys like this to treat women or view women a certain way and create skewed belief structures in their head about how society should function. As we spoke, I had a moment where I realized this was the first time I was expressing myself about these things in a year, since I'd moved back home, since I'd spoken freely about critical theory and spoken in my own voice, without using layman's jargon to make it easier for others to understand.. and he completely understood my ideas without me needing to edit or water it down or adjust them for him to comprehend them. And he was engaging me on the same level with reflections that were on par conversationally. I felt like I could just be honest about my views and my vocabulary and my intelligence and have an educated conversation about things I was surrounded by and involved with in college, instead of burying that part of reality away. Politics, sociology, critical race theory, feminism, gender norms, even manufactured consent... so much. I felt open and free and fulfilled. He opened my own mind up. It was an engaging conversation for the first time. I didn't need to explain things to him. He was using words even I had to look up.

Then he asked me if I knew martial arts in terms of defending myself from a guy physically. I said I liked it and I did it here or there as a kid but never trained officially. He said he knew one type, can't remember what he said it was called, and he could show me some moves if I liked. So we got up, I prayed first and he gave me a hoodie as my hijab, and it felt so comfy and felt so good on me and i knew immediately i wanted this piece of him. and then we got started, me in his hoodie in front of him, feeling small but safe under him. He showed me some moves and our hands touched, and we kept practicing. But then we got into choking. I asked him to go gently, but even before he'd approach me slowly, I'd freeze up and curl my arms protectively over my head. My trauma which I didn't tell anyone about. The assault when I was a kid. I guess guess Still panic and hyperventilate when someone comes near that part of my body.

I asked him to go gently and slowly, and he slowly put his arms around me and it felt like a hug. It took us many iterations to even let him come close enough to practice, but after some time I started to feel safer, though still triggered slightly. I wanted his arms to just stay around me, where I could hold them, and remind myself this wasn't a dangerous experience, and I was safe, even with someone's arm around my neck and chest. I wanted to just keep it there. It felt comforting, my back to him, his big arms around me, holding me as I held his arms in place, and just standing there while I got used to that big bear hug and soaked in the safety until I wasn't freezing and shutting down and I felt calm. It still was difficult for me to allow the approach, but once he was around me, I was able to calm down. I don't think he fully understood what I was going through, as I didn't say much about it. It was like grief passing.

I did get bruised here and there during quick movements during the practice, but it wasnt painful and he was a passionate teacher and I a passionate student. I'd find out that he was only using a quarter of his strength while I couldn't come close to moving him slightly. Eventually I asked him to use half strength and I felt the acute awareness of our disparity in strength and gender more than ever. And most of all, I felt safe and comforted. Every time his arms locked around my shoulders, and I asked him softly to lessen his grip or that I could take more, and he immediately adjusted and responded, and I could feel the warmth of his body through his sweater, as he held me, even though it was meant to be a fighting stance. And yet he didn't kiss me. Completely out of left field, but I would have loved for him to just hold me there and not move from the hug. Just hold me, no words, just quiet. No explanation. It felt so good to feel safe that way.

Then when that was wrapped up and I needed a break, it was around 5am. It was time for me to go for real for real. I prayed again, used the bathroom, chatted with him about upcoming Halloween events and costumes for a bit more, before getting up and saying I had to go. I was exhausted and he offered that I could nap on the couch in case I really didn't feel fit to drive. I wanted to but knew it was unwise and too extra to accept, and he was being kind but that scenario wasn't preferable. So I said no. He walked me to my car, and said goodbye from a few steps away, and I wanted more than anything for him to stay with me a bit longer, and for it not to be necessary... even to sleep in the same room just so his presence would stay around me, comforting and calming, warm and soft, strong yet safe. But I said my goodbyes and he watched me from a distance as I got into my car. Then he respectfully left. It didn't occur to me to hug him or touch him more, but maybe I should have. I couldn't tell sometimes if it was platonic or romantic with him. The whole time, touching me to teach me martial arts, and he was focused on instructing me, correcting me, helping me, and didn't once seem to think of it as romantic. I wish he had felt it, but I was just working through my own trauma and he was unwittingly helping me to not get triggered. Exposure therapy in a safe, loving environment. A reintroduction to physical contact around my neck. It felt so good to prove to my body and mind that I wasn't in danger every time that happened. I still freaked out sometimes, curling up into myself if I knew his arms were about to embrace me from behind for the exercise, but I was more often than not, allowing him. With the frequency and duration of it. He didn't know until I told him at the end that it was hard for me as I'd been assaulted in a similar way before. He immediately offered to end it but I told him this taught me more than anything how vulnerable I still am because even in a safe environment, I was physically reacting and freezing up. He was helping me stay in my body and not dissociate or give up. I just needed to get used to him around me first, and then slowly we could work on the fighting reflexes. I hope he got it, but I didnt ask him to stand there for long periods of time, in case it was awkward for him or too cheesy and romantic. I would go to the next step before I wanted to, within a few seconds instead of minutes.